UPJOKE
getcaptureseegrabtakehookovertakehitchseizetake inhearsnatchclutchacquirewatch

Catches Jokes

A guy catches his best friend smelling his sister's panties and gets really mad.

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Anette.

^^^^Just^thought^of^this^i'm^sorry^it's^bad..



Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!

Edit 2: Thanks everyone, this is my highest up-voted post ever!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.

"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."

"But... Why, daddy?"




"Because my hands are starting to ache"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

NSFW Husband catches wife...

I came home early from work the other day & caught my wife in bed with my best friend!

So I did what any man would do in a situation like that. I hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper & told him, "Bad dog, very bad dog! Get down! You know you're not allowed on the bed! Very ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

Our local fish market ranks their catches on how rare they are

I noticed today that they had rare salmon. It definitely isn’t common plaice!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Jimmy catches a priest masturbating

And asks "What are you doing father?",

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing it soon."

"Why father?" Jimmy asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me"

A man catches a goldfish...

The goldfish tells the man:

'Look, I'm going to be straight forward with you. You can let me go right now and receive a wish. But just so you know, I'm not like those other goldfish... I grant only 1 wish, and you better pick wisely, because sometimes, people are better off without their ...

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

Game warden: "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

"But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket."

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll...

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing som...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fisherman catches a golden fish

A fisherman catches a golden fish, and when he was about to put the fish into the net, the fish speaks to him:
- I will fulfill a single wish of yours so please let me go.
- Interesting, let me think a bit.

After few minutes of silence the fisherman continues:
- My country is poor an...

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

You know what always catches my eye?

Short people with umbrellas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese have finally invented a robot that catches thieves…

They decided to test it and put the robot in Belgium. In the first day it caught 10,000 thieves.

Then they put it in America. In the first day it caught 20,000 thieves.

Then they put it in Russia. In the first hour, someone stole the robot.

Dad joke: Pelican catches a fish and shows it to his buddy…

Pelican’s buddy: wow, nice size catch.

Pelican: yeah, it definitely fits the bill.

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

An old Russian joke. "A fisherman catches the Golden Fish..."

A fisherman catches the Golden Fish.

"What is your wish?" - the Fish asks the man.

"I wish I had everything!"

"Done, old man. You **had** everything".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a dad catches his son masturbating...

A dad walks into his son's bedroom and finds him masturbating.

"Son! That is bad for you, it'll make you go blind".

"Dad, i'm over here''.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having sex with a young girl...

Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having sex with a young girl and says:
Sherlock, what are you doing? This girl looks like she's in middle school.
Sherlock: Elementary, dear Watson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a dick?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

A guy with bad luck goes fishing and catches a golden fish

This might work better at /r/dadjokes since my dad told me this one but what the hell

So the fish says to him that he would usually get 3 wishes,but since he has such bad luck he gets one, so he starts thinking about what to wish for and he says to the fish: "I wanna be a prince!" and the fis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. so who gets out first?

The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?

When he's always coffin

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father catches his daughter...

Father catches his daughter masturbating with a cucumber.

Father says "what the fuck!! I was going to eat that! Now it's going to taste like a cucumber."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small town Sheriff catches a rapist and con man.

While thrilled that he finally caught the two, he wasn't sure what to do with them as the town jail in need of repairs and he didn't have staff to watch them.

He got the idea of letting the townspeople teach them a lesson and to raise money at the same time.

The next day, he tied the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

What happens if a cop catches you peeing outside?

Urine trouble.

A man catches a cab in a new city

A man lands in a new city and catches a cab to the hotel. As they approach a red light, the cab driver keeps going, not stopping.

Man asks what’s going on?
Cab driver responds “oh don’t worry, my brother always runs through red lights.”

They keep going, and the cab driver doesn’t e...

A plane's engine suddenly catches on fire

As the plane starts to descend rapidly, a woman gets out of her seat, rips off her clothes and yells

"I want to feel like a woman for one last time!"

A man gets up, takes off his shirt and shouts

"Wash mine, too!"

What happens when your dinner table catches the coronavirus?

It turns into a coughy table.

Every time a Reddit post catches my eye

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife catches him watching porn

She gets hurt and angry and asks him why he needs that.

He says, "I'm sorry, but these cam girls do things you would never do, honey."

She says, "That's simply not true! You just didn't scroll down far enough."

A blonde student catches her teacher at his desk after class

She puts her arms on his desk and pouts saying "this class is hard, I would do anything to get a good grade on the final. Anything."

He leans in close and says "Anything? Anything at all? Would you.... Study?"

What do you do when your ship catches coronavirus

You send it to the doc

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of three catches a goldfish

The fish tells them that if they let it go, he will grant each one a wish. The mom and dad decide to let their kid go first with the wish.

Kid: "I want a hedgehog"

Father: A MOTHERFUCKING hedgehog?

Mother: GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OF ME!

And the fish was free

A park ranger catches a man illegally fishing

As the man is getting off his boat with his entire catch, the ranger jumps out in front of him and detains him. The man asks him what he's being detained for.

"Fishing here is illegal. You're coming with me."
"But I wasn't fishing! These fish are all my friends. I come here once a week,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dragon catches three men

A German, a Japanese and a Russian. Tells them he'll give them a chance to live if they survive his fire blow. They can also hide behind one object.

German goes first and decides to hide behind a steel plate, claiming he believes in manufacturing and quality of products. Dragon blows at him a...

What dance move catches everyone by surprise?

The Plot Twist!

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

Dad catches little Johnny beating off in his room before school one morning

"Son! If you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind."
Little Johnny thinks about this for a moment then says, "Well, is it okay if I keep doing it until I need glasses?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fisherman catches a shark.

As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, “Wait wait wait… I’m a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.”

“Alright,” says the man, “I want my penis to reach the floor”. So the shark ate his legs.

A police officer catches a speed runner who passed a red light

The driver said, sorry sir. I didn't notice cuz I'm daltonic. The officer replied 'So you mean there aren't traffic lights in Daltony?'

What do you call a women that catches fish?

Annette

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man catches his wife in bed with another man. He pulls out a gun...

...and holds it to his head, saying "I'm going to kill myself!"

His wife turns to her lover and says "See? I told you he was an idiot."

The man turns red-faced with anger and shouts "Oh, don't you worry, you heartless bitch. You're next!"

Plagerism software catches computer on fire

After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid goes to the zoo with his mom one day

They come to the Elephant enclosure. The Elephant is horny for some reason and his dick is fully erect. It catches kid's attention

Kid: *pointing to Elephants dick* - Mom, what is that?

Mom: It's...oh...its nothing. Let's move on.

*Comes with dad a few days later and they stop...

A luxury yacht catches fire somewhere in the South Pacific and sinks....

A single male survivor, let's call him Roy, washes ashore on a small, deserted tropical island.

Roy spends the next three years of his life struggling to survive, but, by collecting debris and materials that wash up on the shore, he manages to thrive.

Then one day, as he's combing the...

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.