Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the--

Car driving by: *HONK*

Me: Because if the--

Second car driving by: *HONK*

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the--

Third car driving by: *HOOONK*

Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cop...

Just a week after joining the Bloods, a rival gang member tied me to his bumper and dragged me around town.

It was a Crip-pulling experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bumper sticker: I snatch kisses

and vice versa

I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Trump'

So that everytime someone honks I can give them the finger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to th...

A man was selling the bumper of a pick-up on Craigslist...

A potential buyer calls and asks where it came from. The man replies, "Let's just say it fell off a truck."

Whoever coined the phrase "tailgater" missed a golden opportunity...

They should have called them a "bumper humper".

I saw a bumper sticker saying

Im a vet so i can drive like an animal'
suddenly i realized how many gynecologists are on the road.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Now I just wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

Train conductor who killed a pedestrian gets asked why he didn't stop in time

'Jumper to bumper traffic you know'

I got in an accident today.

So I was on my way to work, and driving absent mindedly. I ended up just tapping the bumper of the guy in front of me.

So I get out to do the right thing and make sure the guy is ok. When all the sudden his door swings wide open and he jumps out screaming at me! I was a little shocked becaus...

I saw a bumper sticker today that said “War is NEVER the answer.”

And I thought, unless someone asked me to name the band that sings the song “Low Rider.”

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

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I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now....

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Horse and Chicken were standing in farmer Brown's yard. [Long]

Horse was standing in the biggest puddle of mud you ever did see, not paying attention to anything. Before he knew it, he had sunk up to his haunches and couldn't get out.
"Help me Chicken!" He cried. "Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with his tractor"
"Can't!" Squawked Chicken. "Farmer Brow...

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A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

A blonde buys a new convertible ...

*(I'm translating this from a foreign language so please bear with me, hopefully it's unique on* r/Jokes*)*



...then she takes it for a spin on the interstate. Then comes a near miss with a truck. The lorry driver catches up to her, overtakes her and proceeds to force her to stop her c...

Police officer talks to a driver

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 \-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garag

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

I’m going to make a bumper sticker and put “Honk if you think I’m pretty”

And then I’m going to start stopping at green lights so I can feel good about myself.

Last week, a burglary was reported at the fairgrounds

The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel. Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.

The Ferrari and the Moped

A man saves up his entire life to buy a ferrari. He goes to the dealership and chooses a red one. As he pulls out of the parking lot he comes to a red light. As he is waiting for the light to change he sees a fat kid pull up next to him on a moped. The kid grins at him showing his puffy cheeks and s...

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NSFW the grossest joke I’ve ever heard

College girl is home for the weekend and asks her Dad “hey, can I use the car tonight?”

He says no, and reminds her that the last time she borrowed it she didn’t put any gas in and she scuffed the bumper. Despite her pleas and promises, the Dad steadfastly refuses to lend her the car. Since s...

Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.

One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.

"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"

"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."

If every car in the world were lined up bumper-to-bumper...

Some prick in a BMW would try to pass them all at once.

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The story of horse and chicken (long)

Horse and chicken were the best of friends and loved to play together all day on the farm.
one day, while playing near the swamp, horse gets too rambunctious and falls in the swamp up to his neck. Slowly he starts to sink, and as he sinks, he starts yelling to chicken. "chicken! chicken! quick...

The best way to disguise an undercover cop car

would be to put a Black Lives Matter bumper sticker on it. Nobody's gonna think thats a cop car now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m...

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A farmer had a

Audi Quattro in his garage. He did maintained his car very well. Also he had a horse and few chickens and their chicks. On his field he dug a pitt . Once the chicken were scratching the ground near the pitt for seed and worms the chicks were following them .While doing this the chicks fell into the...

A guy asks a girl to the carnival.

She says yes! So they meet up and head out for their date.

He wasn't the only one with this idea. There were so many people there that there were lines around the block to get in.

When they were finally admitted, they wanted to go on some rides. So they found the Ferris wheel line and ...

What does a bumper sticker and an old man have in common?

The older they are, the harder they are to get off.

Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends

Dearest Ones:
 
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker an...

I was tailgated going 15 over

I was going 15 over the limit in the fast lane and being tailgated so I moved to the slow lane. The car behind continued to stay on my bumper. I couldn't shake him and was becoming very annoyed.

He looked so ridiculous with his flashing lights and his annoying siren.

Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

Road Rage

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailga...

I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

A man rolls up in the workshop with his car

The mechanic asks:
"Woa there, what did you do with that? The Bumper is ruined!"
The man replies:
"Yeah, I kinda ran over a frenchman"
The mechanic replies:
"What? I mean all the mud there, I don't see any blood"
The man replies:
"Not my fault he ran into the field to escape!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a new bumper sticker the other day.

It says 'honk if you think I'm sexy.'

I've never felt so confident. I should probably stop waiting at green lights though.

How do you know if you're driving behind a physicist?

Their rear bumper has a red sticker that says "if this appears blue, you're driving too fast."

Hope it isn't too niche.

If we can get Al Franken to run for President, with the Green Party candidate as his running mate, my bumper sticker would be...

Franken Stein 2020

Isis bumper sticker

I'd rather be heading.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy comes across an American Indian.

Indian has his ear to the ground and says “White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker.”

Guy; very impressed says “wow, you can get all that information just from listening to the ground.”

Indian “no you dumb ass, that’s what the asshole t...

I was driving home today and got stuck behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Be an organ donor!"...

They were doing 20 in a 30.

I guess they aren't feeling that committed to the cause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Radio Contest...

A radio station is having a call-in contest where callers are asked to come up with a word that's not a "real" word - not in the dictionary - but can still be used in a logical sentence. The person with the best answer gets a gift certificate & bumper sticker for the station.


A calle...

[True Story]: I was following a semi-truck full of coffins...

I tried to get as close as possible to read the bumper sticker on the back. When I could finally see the writing, it read "Drive safely. Yours may be on this load."

Warehouse fire (long)

There was a warehouse that caught fire. It started as a single alarm fire but quickly grew to a 3 alarm blaze. The owner of the warehouse arrived on scene and quickly realized that the fire department wasn't going to be able to save the building. His biggest concern was the secret formula stored in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Letter home from summer camp

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened...

Heading to work this morning there was a car parked on the train tracks, with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!"

That train engineer must have REALLY loved Jesus.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "Work hard, Pray hard"....

I couldn't tell if there were Christians or Asians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof that men are logical:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myse...

Parking spot

Today I had to go to Lowe's. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a female driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!" Well...

Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."

Rabbi and peace officer's son.

A young boy had a father who is a member of the local S.W.A.T team. The boy is proud of this and shows his pride by printing up some bumper stickers and putting them on random cars. He comes to a Jewish synagogue and places one on the rabbi's car. The little boy goes inside to tell the rabbi what h...

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was attached to my bumper...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the g...

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So this general contractor...

Is working on the 5th floor of a new apartment complex, he takes a measurement then goes to his tools for his handsaw, only to see that it wasn't with his stuff. After looking around the floor a bit he steps onto the half-built balcony to look down at his truck. Lo and behold, his handsaw is sitting...

I just crashed into the back of a dwarf driver....

He gets out of the car inspects the rear bumper and goes up my window. "I'm not happy" he said "well which one are you then?"

A carny invited me back to her place for a good time last night...

She wasn't kidding, there were bumper cars, a ghost train and a mechanical bull. I had a blast!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A creepy joke, but still fun

So one night I was driving home from work. It was really late out. As I drove, I saw an old woman. She looked like she was having trouble walking, so I thought "If anything happens, I can handle it." So I pulled over and offered her a ride. She looked at me for a moment and then decided to get in. O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TEXAS SURVIVOR

Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show "Survivor" by hosting its own version.

Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amari...

I'm going to the inaugural meeting of the Dodgem Car Appreciation Society later.

They're expecting a bumper crowd.

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