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Stump Jokes

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

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How do you stump an archaeologist

Show him a used tampon and ask what period it's from

I just stumped Siri.

I asked what "IDK" meant, and she told me she didn't know.

If you take a dump in a stump…

does it become a toiletry?

Trump gets stumped

Donald Trump is reading the news and the press calls him a word he does not know the meaning to.

"Mike!", he barks.

Mike Pence scurries into the office nervously.

"Yes Mr. President?"

"What does this word mean?", Trump demands.

"Huh, I don't know Mr. President."...

Tree joke

I had a tree I wanted removed ,because it was to close to the house. I called a tree guy and he came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He ask me what I thought and I said it was nice but what about the stump ?..He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, If I wanted th...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

A teacher asked the students a question about bombs, which left them stumped...

So, the teacher asked a new clear question.

What did Patrick Stump say to the double arm amputee?

I AM AN ARMMSS DEALER

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A woman with stumps for arms and stumps for legs is on the beach...

...and she's sobbing. A man walks up and asks her what the problem was. She said she's sad because she's never been fucked. He picks her up, and tosses her in the water and yells, "You're fucked now, bitch!"

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

If I told you that I had carved a female sheep from a tree stump...

Wood Ewe believe it?

Today, I had a hard time getting a tree stump out from under the ground...

That was pretty root of it if you ask me

As an amateur dermatologist detective this latest case has me stumped...

I'm not too worried though alopecia it all together in the end.

If you know a scientist, here's a good question to stump them:

How come meteorites always land in the middle of a crater?

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

How do you stump two nudists who are dating?

Ask them who wears the pants in their relationship.

Which one is more brave, a stone or a stump?

A stone, because it’s a little boulder.

Who would steal an artificial leg?

***I'm stumped.***

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Imagine a woman with tree stumps for boobs..

It would be weird, wooden tit?

What do you call

An amputee getting a lap dance?

Stump grinding

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

A sad farmer is sitting on a stump by the road, and a traveler greets him.

The traveler asks the farmer: "It's such a beautiful day today, how come you are so unhappy?"

The farmer replies: "Some things simply cannot be explained."

The traveler then asks him to explain what had happened, and the farmer says: "Today I was milking my cow. When I eventually milke...

Help me figure out a knock knock joke that's had me stumped for 20 years

When I was a kid my sisters and I ordered a book of knock knock jokes from the book club at school. I remember reading them to everyone who came by the house but there was one that I never understood. No one in my life has ever had a logical explanation for it and I have never forgotten it:

K...

A man is walking through a forest and sees a huge hole

The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep.

He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound.

He throws in a big stick; still no sound

He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothin...

A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw.

"Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."

Little Stump was a very, very sad boy...

Because he had no arms and no legs.

But his friends always tried to cheer him up and bring him along on their trips. One day, they decided to go to the beach and invite Little Stump.

"No, I better not, I'll be a burden!" Little Stump reluctantly replied.

"Common, you've never be...

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

A redhead goes to buy a bull

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one ...

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The New Cowboy

Young man is on his first cattle drive, new to being a cowboy. Chow time, all the men are sitting around the campfire, new cowboy asks, "So what do we do for fun?' One of the old hands tells him, "Well, it's dark and nobody around - just go find yourself a stump and fuck the hell out of it."
<...

An old lady was walking down the street

An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady:
“Excuse me, I think one of your...

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

I really don't know how I lost my legs

I'm completely stumped

I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.

I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.

Why do trees make bad detectives?

They always get stumped!

A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exc...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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No one expects it!

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he ...

A pilot crash lands on an uncharted island

He awakens bound by natives, and is dragged to a clearing in front of the tribe. Next to him is a large tree-stump and an absolutely massive native.

The natives are are cheering and hooting wildly, until the chieftain holds up his hand, bringing instant silence and rapt attention.

He b...

The sheriff at the press conference said “we have a torso with no arms, legs, or head.”

“Frankly, we’re stumped.”

Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar...

...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch.

The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale.

Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg?

Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says "SHARK!"...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

So this amputee hadn't told about his condition to his fiance yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "T...

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

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Blind guy at he lumber yard Long

A blind guy applies for a job at the lumber yard. Owner can't discriminate so he gives him an interview with the understanding that he has to get 100% on the interview to get hired.

1st task is to walk over to a skid of oak and tell what it is. Guy bends over and smells it, says that is easy...

The lawyer and the car wreck

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to m...

A tree is cut down...

When the lead detective arrives, he asks the tree, "do you have any idea who did this to you?"

The tree replied, "I have no idea. I'm stumped."

A professor makes a bet with a student

A professor makes a bet with a student. Every question the professor asks that the student can't answer the student will owe him $1, every question the student asks that the professor can't answer he owes the student $100.

Professor: What element has the atomic number 45?

The student h...

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Little Johnny Strikes Again

A very Petty school teacher wanted to stump the children so she instructed them to use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence when she called on them.

The 1st student called said, "The sky is definitely blue."
With a smirk on her face, the teacher said... "No the sky is sometimes other colors. ...

Why did Anakin fail to answer the trivia question?

He was stumped.

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

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A teacher was testing her students' ability to guess what objects were without using their sight...

She had the kids all blindfolded and gave them things such as pine cones, little bars of soap, or small toy animals, and they had to figure out what they were by using their sense of touch or smell. Then she gave them a real treat, Life Savers in all kinds of flavors, and they had to taste them to g...

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover ...

3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first wo...

How do surgeons feel when they don't know what kind of amputation to perform?

Stumped

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

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Mike stopped by the bar and ran into his friend Jack.



"I've been taking evening classes at the university," Mike told Jack, "and I'm learning so much." "Who is Hobbes? Who is Mill? Who is Bentham?," Mike asked Jack.

Jack replied, "I gotta admit I don't know any of them." "But do you know who Richardson is?" Jack asked Mike. Despite ...

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Animals in the forest have a meeting. The bear as the chief of the forest decides to create an outhouse and they immediatelly built it.

The next day the outhouse has broken window.

So the Bear called everyone and said:

Who knows something about that?

A squirel put her arm up and says:

"I know something about that.."

"I was jumping from a branch to a branch and suddenly the wolf took me, clean his a...

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A man was stopped at a farmer's market

When he comes across a stand advertising peaches of every flavor, he asks the owner "do you really have peaches in every flavor?" to which he responds "I sure do, what flavor are you looking for?" Doubting the owner the man asks for peanut butter and jelly, the owner selects a peach and hands it ove...

What kind of math involves trees?

The ones that stump you

He cut off both of my legs and then asked me a question I couldn't answer.

I'm stumped.

I'm freshly amputated but can't remember the word for my condition

I'm stumped

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Boudreaux pulls up to Thibedeau's house towing his boat.

He calls for Thibedeau, who comes out the front door

Boudreaux says "I got a new outboard, let's see how she runs."

Thibedeau says "I'll get my gear!"

They head down to the bayou and are cruising along when Boudreaux hits an underwater stump . His brand new outboard gets knocke...

Three Nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Nuns die and go to heaven, but in order to enter, they must prove their faith by answering one question each.

The first nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?"

The nun replies "Obviously it was Adam"

The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The first ...

The farmer's nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out p...

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A fur trapper walks into a bar

A fur trapper walks into a small town bar. He tells the guys at the bar "I bet you a drink that I can identify any animal pelt, and what it was killed with, by touch alone." Amused, one man went out to his truck and got a pelt out. The trapper was blindfolded and handed the pelt. "Ah, gray squirrel,...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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So there was a mighty hunter...(long but worth it)

Who went out hunting one day. The hunter comes upon a field and spies a massive grizzly bear. So he crouches down with his rifle, lines it up just right and Ka-boom! After the shot rings out, he can't see the bear. He looks around left and right until he feel a tap on his shoulder.
It's the b...

i found a talking tree

i woke up one day and i heard a crying voice, i followed it and i found the source to be from a cut down tree

i said: "hello?"

the tree said crying: "what do you want?"

i asked: "you can talk?"

the tree answered: "yeah I'm a rare variant, now you answer my question: who...

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A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.

He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari! You like it?...

Is it still considered Fisting if they have no fingers?

Really had me stumped the other day.

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.

I was stumped.

Little Johnny is goofing off in math class and Ms. McHeiney calls on him.

"Johnny, three birds are sitting on a fence, you shoot one of them how many are left." Johnny sits up straight and says "none, the bang would make the others fly away." Ms. McHeiney says, "well, the answer is two, but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says "OK, I have one for y...

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

A speeding blonde.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'...

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Hanging out at the bar, a man is talking to his friend and says,

“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I’m stumped.”

His friend has an idea.

“Why don’t you make up a gift certificate that says she can have 2 hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll prob...

You try

Spell the word 'cow' in 13 letters – a question asked in a competitive exam Intellectuals went mad analyzing it. Highly-reputed professors were stumped thinking what could be the answer. Lecturers debated that the question itself was wrong, maybe there was a printing mistake, etc. Toppers were confu...

An English man got his legs blown off

Another man runs up and says "oh my god where are your legs?!"
The English man say "I dunno, I'm bloody stumped"

A blonde and a lawyer on a long flight

A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on a long flight. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer keeps waking her up. "Let's have a quiz," the lawyer suggests. "If I answer wrong, I'll pay you fifty euros. If you answer wrong, you pay me five."

The blonde agrees.

The lawyer goes first: "What'...

Materialism

A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his w...

A: What did the tree say?

B: I didn't know they could speak, now I'm stumped.

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Bukka Bukka *warning a little foul language*

So, These 2 explorers get captured by a bunch of natives down in africa, well theyre tied up to a stump outside the village when the chief walks up to the first guy an say " Death, or Bukka Bukka" well fuck, i dont wanna die. so bukka bukka. well the chief drags him into the middle of the village an...

What do you call a puzzled one legged man?

Stumped? Me too.

I'm trying to figure out how to be intimate with my new girlfriend who doesn't have any hands, but...

I'm stumped.

I met this Amputee Lumberjack

He said his specialty was stumps

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. Th...

Timbuktu

This one I got from Playboys joke page in the late 80s.

Two guys with identical education and experience were applying for the same marking position in a company. The hiring manager could not decide which one to give the job offer to, so he calls them both in for a final interview at the sam...

Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle?

He was stumped.

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

It must be tough for a comedian at a cricket club

He gets the same reaction whether he bowls them over or stumps them.

My friend asked me about getting fisted by a man with no fingers

Needless to say, I was stumped.

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

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Sick Dwarf

So two Dwarves are walking through the woods when one of them starts to feel really queasy, he turns to the other dwarf and says, ‘I really do not feel well! I feel really dizzy and light headed’
The second dwarf tells his sick pal to sit down on a tree stump put his head between his legs and tak...

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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux had been hunting together ever since they were kids.

Squirrel, rabbit, quail, deer, you name it - cleaned and on the table. Now old men, Thibodeaux had developed a habit that greatly annoyed ol' Boudreaux... he would wander off, find a nice comfy spot to rest, and fall asleep, leaving Boudreaux to wander the woods looking for his friend.

Well, ...

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If you woke up in the woods?

Guy: "If you woke up in the middle of the woods bound and gagged bent over a tree stump with your trousers round your ankles and your arse red raw would you tell anyone?"

Girl: "No I don't think I would"

Guy: "Do you want to go camping?"

Mark was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage

as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying wa...

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I was having sex with a girl she had no arms

We were going at it and she was shoving what was left of her arm up my arse. She asked me what I wanted to do next. I had no idea I was completely stumped

Pyotr is a poor serf in Tsarist Russia... (Wife's favourite joke)

...tilling his field one day, he unearths a lamp. As he starts to rub off the dirt, a genie comes flying out and in a great, booming voice, says, "Pyort Petrovich, you have freed me! Fortunate you are, for I shall grant you any wish your heart desires!"

Pyort thinks a moment and says, "No, I ...

A hillbilly and a weatherman are talking about the weather.

Hillbilly: We don't need you here. We have the best way to tell the weather.

Weatherman: What is that?

Hillbilly: We have a bucket.

Weatherman: What if it rains?

Hillybilly: The bucket is full of water

Weatherman: What if it snows?

Hillybilly: It has snow ...

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

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