One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Was fighting with wife over the thermostat

She wanted it at 72 degrees.

I wanted 66 degrees.

We settled on 69.

Not sure either of us was ultimately satisfied.

Dog Fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in t...

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

I saw two blind people fighting...

and I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" They both ran away.

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I just found out that cock-fighting involves chickens

Well that's 12 months of training wasted

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

How do you stop 2 blind men from fighting?

Scream, “look out he’s got a gun!”

Why are chromosomes like fighting prisoners?

They both get pulled apart to opposite sides of the cell.

My brother and I were fighting over a Mobius strip.

I said there's no reason to argue about this, we're both on the same side.

I see two Mexicans fighting

Call that a Juan on Juan

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

[NSFW] Superman had a hard week fighting crime and was ready for some fun.

He was flying home when he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on the beach. "Wow", he said to himself, "I can fly down there at the speed of light and get a quickie before she knows what happened"
So Superman flew down, took advantage and then was gone.

"What the hell was that" asked Won...

I saw two ladies fighting over the PS5. One knocked the other out.

She must have been an ex-boxxer.

I'm thinking of starting a marsupial fighting championship

I'll call it mortal wombat

What’s the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities?

Riposte

What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war?

I ambush

What do you call it when a kid is fighting going to sleep?

Resisting A rest.


(yup! Lamest. Joke. EVER!)

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Today , I learnt that cock fights were chickens fighting!

Months of training wasted!

What do you call a retirement community for crime-fighting arboreal rodentia?

Squirrelock Homes

(wait for it)

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

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Apperantley some guy just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

He said he lost 2 years worth of training

WHERE DID HE TRAIN?

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

I was fighting overseas

She wanted B's but I said it wouldn't hurt to upgrade

Fight with wife

Neighbour: Hey, your wife was shouting & fighting with you this morning and then suddenly she stopped, what did you tell her?


Husband: I told her that she should not shout too much taking advantage of her beauty, that would cause dark circles around her eyes.

An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife

were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, t...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

A drunk guy starts fighting a random guy in a bar.

The random guy neither fights back nor calls the cops. But he makes the drunkard shut up with just few words.



How?



The random guy asks, "wanna have another drink?"

Once upon a time, there was a pirate who never lost a battle...

He was so courageous. His strategy was simple, lead by example, as long as he was at the front of the battle his crew were motivated.

But he had a trick up his sleeve. A new crew member joins this pirate to study him as he is so fascinated by his victories.

First battle comes along, hi...

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

Davy Jones was a lucky man

He had 3 grown men fighting for his heart

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

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3 people are fighting

An American,British, And Chinese are fighting over who is the best swordsman. They say whoever can slice that fly on half wins.

The American slices in half with ease.

The British does 2 slices, and it's in 4 pieces.

The Chinese does one swipe. The American and the British are l...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte

Somewhere in Alabama:

\*siblings fighting\*

Brother: "OH YEAH, WELL I WANT A DIVORCE!"

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne.

There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear.

"Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear.

"Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas."

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A Curious Child

It's the night before Thanksgiving and a mom and dad are fighting in the living room. The child comes in, curious about all the yelling.

**"You're an Asshole!"** yells the mom.

**"Mom, whats an asshole?"** asks the child.

**"Men are."** answers the mom.

**"Well, you'...

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

screwing for virginity.

Why is society fighting to eliminate the word 'black'?

It's cheaper than equal opportunity.

I don’t like fighting girls.

You can’t kick them in the nuts.

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat

As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.

The mermaid looks at him...

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A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to

A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to do a number 2. The best alternative he could think of was to do it on a bedsheet, grab the bedsheet and get rid of everything by throwing it out the window. It fell on a drunk man who was sleeping under his window. He woke up startled and he starte...

Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all?

Anyone sorting by new.

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

Two crows were fighting and another crow came and broke it up.

"Stop carrion on like that," the third crow said.

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