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Poker Jokes

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

How is plumbing like poker?

How is plumbing like poker?

You can't have a full house and a straight flush at the same time.

John was at the grocery store buying beer for poker night with his buddies

When he is in the frozen food section a voluptuous redhead approaches him and says:

“Excuse me, I think you are the father of one of my kids”

John replied: “ohhh, we’re you that redhead that I banged in the bathroom at Shannon’s a couple of years back?, you certainly look good”

...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

Three cows were playing poker while smoking weed

The steaks were high.

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Tough as an iron poker

Three cowboys are standing around a campfire. The first cowboy says, "I know I'm toughest cowboy there's ever been. I'll break any stallion in a day."

The second cowboy replies, "I'm tougher than that. I fought off a grizzly with my bare hands and got right back to work."

T...

Never play poker with a toilet

They get too many flushes

6 guys playing poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game, Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife...

Why did people stop playing poker at the zoo?

Because of the Cheetahs!

XDXDXD

Why does King Charles play poker in the bathroom?

Because nothing beats a royal flush.

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We are playing poker

One night this little boy walks into his parents room & they were going at it. The little boy asked "what are y'all doing?" His dad looks back & quickly says "uggghh. We are playing poker & your mom is a wildcard"

A few days later the little boy walks into his sister's room. Her &...

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Gay Poker...

A new card game. Where Queens are wild and straights don't count.

Poker

So There's a traveling salesman who loves to play poker. Every town he visits, he manages to find a game.

One night he's led to the back of a saloon, and seated among the locals is a German Shepherd. The salesman is surprised to see a dog at a poker table, but the dog appears to be very well...

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turns out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

Why did the poker player get beat up off his uncle?

Because he upped his ante

What’s the loneliest hand in all of poker?

Jack King off

What is a common phrase that both poker players and cannibals say?

Just finish the hand!

A man came home from a poker game...

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "I...

Cheating at poker

A group of businessmen sat down for a game of poker after work. There was quite a lot of money involved, so everyone was a bit on edge. As the cards were dealt, everyone was looking thoroughly at each other. One of the businessmen called the hand and put his cards on the table. The dealer of the gro...

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

What’s the similarity between a Poker player and a Butcher?

At some point, both will raise the steaks

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Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:

“Father, were you gambling?”

“As God is my witness,” the priest replies, “I was not”.

They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:
...

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

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A group of mafia men are playing poker

One turns to the other and asks: "What's two times four?"

"Eight" the other answers, upon which the first guy pulls out his gun and shoots him down

"Why did you do that?!" another guy screams.

"He knew too much"

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

I was playing poker with tarot cards last night.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

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Sex is like Poker...

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!

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Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction

but I think she's bluffing

Why can't a pirate play poker?

He sat on the deck

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

Which animal is best at playing poker?

The bluffalo.

Why wasn't the cat invited to the poker game?

Because it was a cheetah.

Let's play strip poker.

You can strip, and I'll poke you
.

Did you hear about the poker player that frustrated the palm reader?

He refused to show his hand.

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

Poker

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!" Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your m...

Monthly Poker game

A behavioral psychologist, mathematician, and a chemist meet up for their monthly poker game.

As the psychologist is shuffling, he notices the chemist has a slight grin on her face. Considering the chemist usually loses, the psychologist asks her what the grin is about.

“Well, I’m us...

Alison Brie, Anna Kendrick, and Keira Knightley play a game of strip poker. Who wins?

The internet

while playing poker my friend said "my hand trumps your hand"

So I said "alright that means you lose but won't acknowledge it, right?"

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Poker Night.

John is playing poker with his friends in Peter's house. But Peter's 5 yrs old son disturbs them by running around looking at their cards and shouting it. So John took the boy in the room for five minutes. After that they played the game smoothly without any distraction. So Peter got curious.
...

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, “Don’t worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time.”

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, “I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we’re feeling dow...

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What does a person think when they are playing poker and have to poop/pee?

*Hold em*

A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker.

He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”

The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

What do you call a visually impaired obese poker player?

Big Blind

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

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Poker

No YouPorn I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

my friend played poker at the castle

at some point, he had a sick hand

but he also had a sick stomach

he left the game to take a dump on a golden toilet

he did not fret

he smiled

for either way,

it was a royal flush

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Joined a poker club

Just signed up for poker at a club and all the members have these "lucky charms" on the table this guy has a glass cube with a 4 leaf clover in it that girl has a mini bronze doggie statue, you get the point. So the next week I wanted bring a charm to fit in, but I forgot but the novelty store next ...

Let's review the rules of strip poker. It might take a while

so bare with me

What do you call a fish that won’t walk away from a poker table?

A gambling haddock.

Why shouldn't you play poker with really fat people?

Because they're going to fold a lot.

When does a strip poker game start getting good?

When somebody's got a big pair showin'.

Origami is like Poker...

You gotta know when to fold

Last night I played Origami poker

Things were going great, until I had to fold.

Why do Poker players only use analog clocks?

It helps them practice reading hands

How does the king win at poker every time he takes a dump?

With a royal flush

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

(Original corny joke) Why are Israelis so bad at poker?

Because they have so many Tels!

I hate playing poker in the jungle...

They're all a bunch of cheetahs.

I beat my chiropodist at poker, pool, darts, table tennis AND 15 different video games, but at no point did he stop smiling.

The man knows how to deal with de feet.

Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:

“What’s the deal?”

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

Never play poker with lepers.

They always throw their hands in.

What is the difference between a politician and a poker player?

None. They are both lying with a poker face on.

Fibonacci’s day at the fair

One day Fibonacci goes to the fair with his friends: Ms.One, Mr.Five, and Dr.Twenty.


While Fibonacci perused the fairgrounds, his friends decided to enjoy a variety of different competitions and games.


Ms.One thought to try her hand at the ring toss and ball throwing games. S...

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"...

What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house

2 lepers playing poker...

1 throws his hand in, the other laughs his head off.

Why should you never play poker in Africa?

Because there are so many cheetahs!





^(Sorry I know this is super cringe)

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I told a dark joke at the poker table.

I made the final table with someone who made it for his first time that night after a year of playing.

I proclaimed, "Like the Virgin Mary said, 'There's a first time for everything.' "

It took the table a few seconds to get it.

Doug was playing poker with some friends

As the night went on, he noticed the mood at the table was getting tense, so he decided to lighten the atmosphere a bit. As the next round started, and everyone else put their ante chips in, Doug reached into the snack tray and tossed a handful of potato chips into the pot.

"What the hell are...

Do you know why poker players can't have tattoos with words?

Because the others could read them like a book.

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

My friend just accused me of cheating in poker

I think he is just mad i beat him with five kings

Why do so many deadbeat dads love to play poker?

It’s the only time they can call or raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.

I asked the caveman if he wanted to play poker

He said:

"Deal, me in!"

I was playing poker with my friends. Dunno why they got so mad at me.

I was just eating chips

My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards

Total game changer

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