My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

What do you call a buffalo playing poker?

A bluffalo

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What does a person think when they are playing poker and have to poop/pee?

*Hold em*

What do you call a fish that won’t walk away from a poker table?

A gambling haddock.

Why can't a pirate play poker?

He sat on the deck

What kind of poker do stoned cows play?

High steaks.

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

My wife left me because of my poker addiction.

I for sure thought she was bluffing.

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We are playing poker

One night this little boy walks into his parents room & they were going at it. The little boy asked "what are y'all doing?" His dad looks back & quickly says "uggghh. We are playing poker & your mom is a wildcard"

A few days later the little boy walks into his sister's room. Her &...

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

Let's review the rules of strip poker. It might take a while

so bare with me

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker.

He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”

The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

What do you call a visually impaired obese poker player?

Big Blind

Did you hear about the poker player that frustrated the palm reader?

He refused to show his hand.

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Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:

“Father, were you gambling?”

“As God is my witness,” the priest replies, “I was not”.

They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:
...

A couple of steers were smoking a joint , and playing poker

The steaks were pretty high

I'll see your dad joke an raise you one

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many chee-tahs

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

while playing poker my friend said "my hand trumps your hand"

So I said "alright that means you lose but won't acknowledge it, right?"

Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back.

Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"

Life is like game of poker

If you don't have pair you must have good hand..

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

What do you call when a man with no hands who's a womanizer, second in command to the boss, wins at poker?

A no-hands handsy right-hand with a good hand.

How does the king win at poker every time he takes a dump?

With a royal flush

What did the Joker say while playing poker?

"Wanna know how I got these cards?"

Poker

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!" Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your m...

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

A murderer was playing poker in a shady alley.

"I choked someone to death" he said

The person next to him exclaimed "Ahh man! nothing can beat such a strong hand"

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

Always use a proper deck of cards

A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

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Gay Poker...

A new card game. Where Queens are wild and straights don't count.

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

they don’t know what a full house is

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

(Original corny joke) Why are Israelis so bad at poker?

Because they have so many Tels!

What is the difference between a politician and a poker player?

None. They are both lying with a poker face on.

My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards

Total game changer

So I was playing poker with my friends, and I was dominating. One of them asks, “How are you so good at this?” And another answered, “He’s got aces up his sleeves! Pat him down!” Which they did.

You wouldn’t believe how long it took for them to realize I was wearing a tank top.

Four frogs are playing poker behind a bar in New Orleans. One frog said: "You know I used to be a pet to a prince that came here one time." The other frogs roll their eyes, "You know what happend next? I was suddenly down their toilet and in the gutter" the frogs ignore and place their final bets.

Without skipping a beat the frog says: "I guess you can say, it was a..." throws cards down "a royal flush".

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

What does playing poker and sleeping with women have in common?

A pair of 9's is pretty good.

But four 2's will beat it.

Wisdom of ages

Johnny is cutting his nails when his grandpa stops by, and comments that he should not be cutting nails on a Thursday. Knowing that grandpa is the superstitious kind, Johnny ignores him and carries on.

A few weeks later grandpa visits again, and guess what - it is Thursday, and he catches Jo...

Why shouldn't you play poker with really fat people?

Because they're going to fold a lot.

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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

Poker-playing dog

So there's a traveling salesman who loves to play poker. Every town he visits, he manages to find a game.

One night he's led to the back of a saloon, and seated among the locals is a German Shepherd. The guy is surprised to see a dog at a poker table, but the dog appears to be very well behav...

I won my poker tournament last night with the five of clubs and the five of spades.

Black fives matter.

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.

"It’s Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it’s not another emergency."

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, "Hi, what’s up?"

"Don’t worry, everything’s OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game...

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs!

Why do Poker players only use analog clocks?

It helps them practice reading hands

I had to stop inviting my rancher fried to poker night

It's just a casual game among friends, but he always insists on raising the steaks.

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Joined a poker club

Just signed up for poker at a club and all the members have these "lucky charms" on the table this guy has a glass cube with a 4 leaf clover in it that girl has a mini bronze doggie statue, you get the point. So the next week I wanted bring a charm to fit in, but I forgot but the novelty store next ...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

my friend played poker at the castle

at some point, he had a sick hand

but he also had a sick stomach

he left the game to take a dump on a golden toilet

he did not fret

he smiled

for either way,

it was a royal flush

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

Monthly Poker game

A behavioral psychologist, mathematician, and a chemist meet up for their monthly poker game.

As the psychologist is shuffling, he notices the chemist has a slight grin on her face. Considering the chemist usually loses, the psychologist asks her what the grin is about.

“Well, I’m us...

I was playing poker with my friends. Dunno why they got so mad at me.

I was just eating chips

Lifter legs and poker

Just three parts of a wood stove, you dirty dog you!

What did the poker player do with the last piece of toilet paper?

Fold

A guy gets home late, his wife says where have you been it's 3.00am Guy says I had some games of Poker, Wife said get out of my house, Guy replies Oh forgot to say..

It's not your house anymore either.

What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

When does a strip poker game start getting good?

When somebody's got a big pair showin'.

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I like to think of the act of pooping like a game of poker

You go all in with a royal flush.

I hate playing poker in the jungle...

They're all a bunch of cheetahs.

Do you know why poker players can't have tattoos with words?

Because the others could read them like a book.

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

Last night I played Origami poker

Things were going great, until I had to fold.

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Anakin, obiwan and yoda are sitting round a table playing poker

They’ve played a number of rounds until Anakin has built up quite a big pile of chips

Suddenly his face lights up as he sees he’s got a nearly unbeatable hand.

Feeling lucky he force pushes all of his chips to the centre of the table

Obi wan: don’t try it

Anakin: I’m goin...

My wife says she is going to divorce me because I love poker more then her.

I think she’s bluffing!

My friend just accused me of cheating in poker

I think he is just mad i beat him with five kings

Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:

“What’s the deal?”

A man came home from a poker game...

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "I...

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I'm teaching my friend to play poker...

...but he came to me yesterday with a problem. He says "I've been trying to play at the casino and I swear I just can not get away with a bluff for the life of me. It's like they know what I have every time"

Considering myself to be a pretty decent teacher, I think that's strange, so I go ove...

What did the orphan poker player say?

Will you raise me?

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A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

Why should you never play poker in Africa?

Because there are so many cheetahs!





^(Sorry I know this is super cringe)

Why do so many deadbeat dads love to play poker?

It’s the only time they can call or raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.

I asked the caveman if he wanted to play poker

He said:

"Deal, me in!"

Why was the origami master so bad at poker?

Because they folded every hand.

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I've just opened a casino for dogs. They can play roulette, poker and blackjack all under one roof! However...

...they have to go outside for craps.

Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games?

His poker decks.

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Poker Night.

John is playing poker with his friends in Peter's house. But Peter's 5 yrs old son disturbs them by running around looking at their cards and shouting it. So John took the boy in the room for five minutes. After that they played the game smoothly without any distraction. So Peter got curious.
...

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

“I know this is difficult for you ma’am, but we need to know exactly how you were tortured by the accused. You said that after the hot poker came the pliers pulling out your toenails, but each time you start to tell us the final torture, you break down. Now take a deep breath, & tell the court...”

“Well”, she sobbed, “before he let me go [sob] he made me... he made me........ watch ‘Holmes and Watson’ twice in one sitting”

Which piano player is the most predictable poker player?

Ben Folds

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

You never want to play poker with Vlad the Impaler

A lot is at stake

Doug was playing poker with some friends

As the night went on, he noticed the mood at the table was getting tense, so he decided to lighten the atmosphere a bit. As the next round started, and everyone else put their ante chips in, Doug reached into the snack tray and tossed a handful of potato chips into the pot.

"What the hell are...

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A man wakes and finds himself in hell

One day a man with many vices dies and finds himself in hell.

Wallowing in despair that his decisions in life have landed him in hell, he has a meeting with Satan.

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a l...

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Growing up I always heard life is like a game of poker....

And I’m one jack off

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