UPJOKE
gamblingcard gamebettingblackjackcasinojackpotbluffpinballsalamandermississippiantepoker gameraiseflushpoker face

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

Three cows were playing poker while smoking weed

The steaks were high.

Why don't people play poker in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs

I was playing poker with tarot cards last night.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

Poker joke for you

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress:
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ta...

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

I beat my chiropodist at poker, pool, darts, table tennis AND 15 different video games, but at no point did he stop smiling.

The man knows how to deal with de feet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

Why don’t dogs play poker?

Because they have very obvious tails

Why wasn't the cat invited to the poker game?

Because it was a cheetah.

Plumbing is like poker

Plumbing is like poker.

You can't have a full house and a straight flush.

What’s the similarity between a Poker player and a Butcher?

At some point, both will raise the steaks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a person think when they are playing poker and have to poop/pee?

*Hold em*

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don't understand the term "full house".

What’s the loneliest hand in all of poker?

Jack King off

6 guys playing poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game, Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife...

Alison Brie, Anna Kendrick, and Keira Knightley play a game of strip poker. Who wins?

The internet

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

How do you wake lady gaga up?

You poker face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

Cheating at poker

A group of businessmen sat down for a game of poker after work. There was quite a lot of money involved, so everyone was a bit on edge. As the cards were dealt, everyone was looking thoroughly at each other. One of the businessmen called the hand and put his cards on the table. The dealer of the gro...

Why can't a pirate play poker?

He sat on the deck

A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker.

He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”

The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:

“Father, were you gambling?”

“As God is my witness,” the priest replies, “I was not”.

They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:
...

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We are playing poker

One night this little boy walks into his parents room & they were going at it. The little boy asked "what are y'all doing?" His dad looks back & quickly says "uggghh. We are playing poker & your mom is a wildcard"

A few days later the little boy walks into his sister's room. Her &...

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

What do you call a fish that won’t walk away from a poker table?

A gambling haddock.

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies



his friends didn't know how to inform his wife, so the best friend went there and told the wife

\-There's something you need to know, your husband was fired from his job three months ago

\-what? then what is he doing outside all day long since then ? and how did ...

while playing poker my friend said "my hand trumps your hand"

So I said "alright that means you lose but won't acknowledge it, right?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

Let's review the rules of strip poker. It might take a while

so bare with me

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

Did you hear about the poker player that frustrated the palm reader?

He refused to show his hand.

What do you call a visually impaired obese poker player?

Big Blind

A poker opponent once said I was "like an open book".

"You think I'm bluffing?" I asked.

"No," she said. "You keep showing me your cards."

Which animal is best at playing poker?

The bluffalo.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

Life is like game of poker

If you don't have pair you must have good hand..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay Poker...

A new card game. Where Queens are wild and straights don't count.

Poker

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!" Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your m...

clever dog

Bloke walks into a pub and sees a dog playing poker with 3 men. "He must be a clever dog" the bloke says, "not really" says the barman "whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail"

What does playing poker and sleeping with women have in common?

A pair of 9's is pretty good.

But four 2's will beat it.

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

How does the king win at poker every time he takes a dump?

With a royal flush

(Original corny joke) Why are Israelis so bad at poker?

Because they have so many Tels!

What is the difference between a politician and a poker player?

None. They are both lying with a poker face on.

Poker-playing dog

So there's a traveling salesman who loves to play poker. Every town he visits, he manages to find a game.

One night he's led to the back of a saloon, and seated among the locals is a German Shepherd. The guy is surprised to see a dog at a poker table, but the dog appears to be very well behav...

Four frogs are playing poker behind a bar in New Orleans. One frog said: "You know I used to be a pet to a prince that came here one time." The other frogs roll their eyes, "You know what happend next? I was suddenly down their toilet and in the gutter" the frogs ignore and place their final bets.

Without skipping a beat the frog says: "I guess you can say, it was a..." throws cards down "a royal flush".

What Are The Three Parts Of A Wood-Burning Stove?

Lifter, legs, and poker.

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

A guy gets home late, his wife says where have you been it's 3.00am Guy says I had some games of Poker, Wife said get out of my house, Guy replies Oh forgot to say..

It's not your house anymore either.

Did you hear Jerry Seinfeld is hosting a new poker show

Its gonna be called "What's the Deal?"

What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

So I was playing poker with my friends, and I was dominating. One of them asks, “How are you so good at this?” And another answered, “He’s got aces up his sleeves! Pat him down!” Which they did.

You wouldn’t believe how long it took for them to realize I was wearing a tank top.

I won my poker tournament last night with the five of clubs and the five of spades.

Black fives matter.

I was playing poker with my friends. Dunno why they got so mad at me.

I was just eating chips

Why shouldn't you play poker with really fat people?

Because they're going to fold a lot.

Two grave robbers walk into a bar

They go to a corner and start playing poker together.

An hour later the first grave robber goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks, “what happened? You look upset.”
The grave robber replies, “i just lost an arm and a leg!”

My friend likes to setup a poker table in his tent when we go camping.

The game gets intense.

A man came home from a poker game...

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards

Total game changer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joined a poker club

Just signed up for poker at a club and all the members have these "lucky charms" on the table this guy has a glass cube with a 4 leaf clover in it that girl has a mini bronze doggie statue, you get the point. So the next week I wanted bring a charm to fit in, but I forgot but the novelty store next ...

When does a strip poker game start getting good?

When somebody's got a big pair showin'.

My buddies and I were playing poker with children’s story books and I got a good hand.

Read em and sleep boys

Why do Poker players only use analog clocks?

It helps them practice reading hands

My wife says she is going to divorce me because I love poker more then her.

I think she’s bluffing!

What did the poker player do with the last piece of toilet paper?

Fold

my friend played poker at the castle

at some point, he had a sick hand

but he also had a sick stomach

he left the game to take a dump on a golden toilet

he did not fret

he smiled

for either way,

it was a royal flush

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

Do you know why poker players can't have tattoos with words?

Because the others could read them like a book.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home from the pub...

...four hours late last night.

"" Where the fuck have you been?!" Screamed my wife.

I said "I've been playing poker with the lads"

" Playing poker with the lads?" She repeated "Well you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you" I said "This isn't our house anymore"

Why should you never play poker in Africa?

Because there are so many cheetahs!





^(Sorry I know this is super cringe)

I hate playing poker in the jungle...

They're all a bunch of cheetahs.

I asked the caveman if he wanted to play poker

He said:

"Deal, me in!"

Why do so many deadbeat dads love to play poker?

It’s the only time they can call or raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.