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Casino Jokes

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Hot Irish Blonde at Casino

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the D...

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

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Hooker in casino

Two guys win big in a casino and one wants to hire a hooker. They’re not familiar with the area so they’re not sure how this works.

After hours of random searching they finally find a pretty stunning blonde. So the one guy says to his friend that he’ll catch up with him tomorrow so he can le...

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

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Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…

The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”

“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”

“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar,...

Why does Africa has less casinos?

Too many cheetahs.

All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel

A father takes his son to the casino.

A father takes his son to the casino and they lose $1,000 in one hour.
Dad tells his disappointed son “don’t worry son we’ll come back tomorrow and do better”
The next day they come back to the casino and the dad grabs $1,000 and throws it in the garbage and heads for the exit.
The son asks...

Why are there no casinos in China?

They hate Tibet.

How has Donald Trump managed to bankrupt so many casinos?

He hits on anything twelve or higher.

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I almost played craps at the casino today...

... but the game looked a little dicey.

(Just made this up lol)

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

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A casino is a lot like sex.

Liquor in the front.
Poker in the back.

Casinos make a lot of money from Han Solo

They never tell him the odds

What snack do casinos give to their patrons?

Chips Ahoy!

Did you hear about the blacksmith who ran an underground casino?

He who smelt it dealt it.

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a classically dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".


The smartly-dressed man says "Th...

An attractive blonde walks into a casino

The two bored dealers look at her and their eyes spark up. The blonde then makes a huge bet of $100,000 on a roll of a dice.

Before she rolls, she asks the dealers whether she could take her top off. The two dealers immediately agree.

The blonde takes her top off, and proceeds with the...

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A blondie goes to the casino

A beautiful blonde girl goes to the casino with all her cash and sits at the roulette desk. She goes to the clerk and asks if she can play being nude.

The amused clerk asked, "This is an open club and you are free to do anything you want but why would you do something like this?", to which t...

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.

And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He's the Chip Monk.

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

What do you call a T-Rex that works in a casino?

A small arms dealer!

What does a nun wear to a casino?

A gambling habit

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

What's the Difference between a Casino and a Strip Club

You actually have a chance of getting screwed at the casino.

While playing blackjack at my local casino, the pit boss came up to me and asked what the count was.

I replied "he's a purple Muppet with pointy teeth, but that's not important right now."

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A man walks into a casino with some friends

He places some bets on the roulette but can't win a single one. After all the unfortunate bets, he's about to leave but sees how one of his friends comes after him with loads of chips.

-Man, I won big time!

-I can see! -says the man- Tell me, how did you do it? I've not won...

After going to the casino every weekend for years, I finally won big. A brand new Nissan.

I call it my Vice Versa.

What is the worst part of selling a casino?

Everything is a gamble.

Why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?

Because he was on a roll...

What do you call an iguana that runs a casino?

The lizard of odds.

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

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A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

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A man goes to a casino

He stays there the whole day and he's always losing. The next day he comes once again and loses everything. The third day he does the same and the dealer asks him what his job was so he could afford to lose so much money and he says that earning money has to do with personality. He says: "I for exam...

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Casino

So a guy is looking for a hooker, he finds a beautiful woman behind a casino and asks how much for a hand job. She points and says you see that Ferrari over there; my hand jobs are $500. He is taken back and says that sure is a lot for a hand job. She says baby I bought that car with all my hand job...

How do you walk out of a Casino with $1 Million?

Walk in with $2 Million.

Why did the monks go to the casino?

Tibet.

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Dave goes to the casino

I went to a casino today and came home with a briefcase.

As I walked through the door, I looked at my wife and said, "I fucking won!"

"Bloody hell, Dave." she smiled, "How much?! How much?!"

"£40," I replied, "So I bought myself this."

I once met a T-rex who was working at a casino.

He said he was hiding out from the cops.

I think he was a small arms dealer.

How do you get out of a casino as a millionaire?

You go in as a billionaire.

Why don’t they have a Casino in every zoo?

Too many cheetahs

Having owned a few casinos,

Trump should have known that the House always wins

A man is panhandling outside a casino in Las Vegas

He approaches a well-dressed couple, thinking they have some cash, and says, "Please, could you spare ten dollars? You see, my wife is sick and needs an operation. My insurance won't cover it all, and I need to come up with $25,000 to pay the hospital before they'll even consider scheduling her su...

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting a...

Thanks to COVID-19 both churches and casinos have closed

When heaven and hell both agree on something, you know it's serious!

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Two kinda oldish guys visit a casino...

And they arrive at the Roulette table. "Hey, what number should we bet on?" "I dunno. How often do you have sex in a week?" "12 times." "AWESOME! Me too! Let's bet on 12!".

The ball spins around and around and finally settles on the Zero.

Moral: Be honest.

I’m going to open a casino in the Mariana Trench

So I can be the world’s biggest pit boss.

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

What do you call a dressed up yeti at the casino?

A tie bettin' yeti.

What do you call a disabled man when he’s smoking pot at a casino?

A high roller.

A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino

He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,

"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"

The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."

A girl named Jennie went to the casino.

J-J-J-Jennie and the Bets

Why do fat people lose so much at casino tables?

Because whenever they are out of chips they always grab more.

4 men were standing outside a casino (long)

A Mathematician, an engineer, a stock broker and a gambler were standing outside a casino talking.

Suddenly the gambler walks in and comes out broke a few minutes later. I just didn't have any luck.

That's not how you do it the stock broker remarks, let me show you how it's done. The s...

What do you call an abbot that owns a casino?

A chipmunk......

Ba dum tsss

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

They just built a steakhouse on the second floor of the casino

The steaks have never been higher

I just walked out of the casino with $1000.

It's a good thing I don't gamble.

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A man wins $5000 at a casino in Las Vegas.

He is so excited after winning some cash he decided to get a prostitute for the night. He goes to the lobby of the casino and finds the prettiest working girl in the whole place. He takes her up to his room for some sexy-times.

"Alright, so what'll it be?" asks the girl.

"hmmm, how abo...

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I've just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

There's a VERY easy way to leave every casino with a small fortune.

Go there with a large one.

There aren't that many casinos in Africa.

Cause there are too many cheetahs.

And if you meet one who claims he isn't a cheetah, he's probably lion to you.

A local casino is offering marijuana infused beef to their best bettors.

That’s really high steaks for their high rollers.

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My friend is addicted to visiting Vegas and watching craps in a casino for hours.

Then one day, security dragged him out of the bathroom

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

I was in a casino last night and had a few spins on the roulette wheel...

Before the manager told me to get off...

I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune

Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year

My first day at the casino I was late for work, my boss yelled at me, and they put me at a Blackjack table with no cards.

I looked at all the players and said "I can't deal with this. "

I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.

I just rolled my eyes.

A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."

"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."

"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the...

Just found out my wife's credit card was stolen! They are spending it all on jewellery and casinos!

But I wouldn't report it because they are spending less than my wife.

What do you call it when a womanizing casino mogul is in the White House?

Two vice presidents.

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Guy dies and goes to Heaven and God grants him a final wish. He tells God, "I've never won in Vegas." God winks and says, "Okay! Let's go." And God snaps his fingers and - poof! - God and the guy are at a blackjack table at Bellagio Casino on the Strip.

God gives the guy $100,000 in chips and says, "Bet it all." The guy shrugs and puts up all the chips and the dealer deals him an 19 - against the dealer's 6. God says, "Take a card." The guy says, "Hit a 19 against a bad hand?"

Gods insists. "Take a card." The dealer deals him a 2. The guy sa...

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A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.

"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".

"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same...

Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino?

He was caught counting carbs.

How can you always break even at the casino?

Play the change machines.

I walked into a casino and walked out at the end of the night £10,481 richer.

It's great being the owner.

Why did the deer get mad at his girlfriend when she got back from the casino?

She told him that she blew 30 bucks while she was there.

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Rich is drinking at a casino in Atlantic City

When a hot prostitute walks up and asks if he wants to have a good time?

Rich asks "how much?" and she responds "$500"

He tells her "okay, but for that kind of money, I want to do it with the room pitch black dark". She agrees so Rich tells her to meet him up in his room in fifteen min...

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A man is at the Casino...

A man is sitting at a blackjack table. He's not doing very well, and is about to get up and walk away, when he hears God, 'play again'. The man sits back down and plays another hand. He's dealt 20, and God says 'Hit'. The man, nervously says 'h-hit please'. He's dealt an Ace and wins. He is dealt ag...

I took my masochistic girlfriend to the casino, but she lost all my money.

She kept screaming “Hit me!” at the blackjack table.

Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?

Because they, like, can't even deal.

Two doe walk out of a casino...

One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks."

What is it called when you're having second thoughts about booking a room at a Native American casino?

A reservation reservation reservation.

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this prostitute gives the best handjobs in town... (NSFW)

and this guy hears about her and goes to her asking "so you really give the best hanjobs in town?" the girl goes "see that mcdonalds? i've used the money i got from giving handjobs to buy that mcdonalds" so the guy is convinced and asks for a handjob, gives her 50 bucks, and it's the best handjob he...

A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intell...

What did the stressed-out casino worker say to their boss?

I literally cannot deal.

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