All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost.

Now they know how we feel

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Hooker in casino

Two guys win big in a casino and one wants to hire a hooker. They’re not familiar with the area so they’re not sure how this works.

After hours of random searching they finally find a pretty stunning blonde. So the one guy says to his friend that he’ll catch up with him tomorrow so he can le...

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Nude blonde in a casino.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $5,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the...

Whats the difference between the people praying in a church and the people praying in a casino?

The people in the casino mean it.

Why does Africa has less casinos?

Too many cheetahs.

What does a nun wear to a casino?

A gambling habit

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Did you hear about the blacksmith who ran an underground casino?

He who smelt it dealt it.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

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A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

Why are there no casinos in China?

Because they don't like Tibet.

How has Donald Trump managed to bankrupt so many casinos?

He hits on anything twelve or higher.

What is the worst part of selling a casino?

Everything is a gamble.

There's two ways to walk out of a casino a millionaire...

1. Walking in as a billionaire
2. Walking in with a ski mask on and a gun in your hand

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

What do you call a T-Rex that works as a croupier at a casino and sells handguns on the side?

Small arms dealer.

What do you call a disabled man when he’s smoking pot at a casino?

A high roller.

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A blondie goes to the casino

A beautiful blonde girl goes to the casino with all her cash and sits at the roulette desk. She goes to the clerk and asks if she can play being nude.

The amused clerk asked, "This is an open club and you are free to do anything you want but why would you do something like this?", to which t...

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

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What do illegal casinos and sex have in common?

Liqueur at the front.

Poker in the back.

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting a...

I once met a T-rex who was working at a casino.

He said he was hiding out from the cops.

I think he was a small arms dealer.

I lost 100 pounds!

I guess the casino really does always win.

I want Dwayne Johnson to take me roughly behind a casino

Call that being stuck between the Rock and a card place

Thanks to COVID-19 both churches and casinos have closed

When heaven and hell both agree on something, you know it's serious!

Why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?

Because he was on a roll...

In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.

And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He's the Chip Monk.

I’m going to open a casino in the Mariana Trench

So I can be the world’s biggest pit boss.

What's the Difference between a Casino and a Strip Club

You actually have a chance of getting screwed at the casino.

How do you get out of a casino as a millionaire?

You go in as a billionaire.

Just found out my wife's credit card was stolen! They are spending it all on jewellery and casinos!

But I wouldn't report it because they are spending less than my wife.

Why do fat people lose so much at casino tables?

Because whenever they are out of chips they always grab more.

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Why don’t they have a Casino in every zoo?

Too many cheetahs

A man is panhandling outside a casino in Las Vegas

He approaches a well-dressed couple, thinking they have some cash, and says, "Please, could you spare ten dollars? You see, my wife is sick and needs an operation. My insurance won't cover it all, and I need to come up with $25,000 to pay the hospital before they'll even consider scheduling her su...

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A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

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I got a job as a janitor at a casino

It's a lot of shit to deal with

How do you win 1 million dollars at the casino?

Start with 5 billion.

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A man goes to a casino

He stays there the whole day and he's always losing. The next day he comes once again and loses everything. The third day he does the same and the dealer asks him what his job was so he could afford to lose so much money and he says that earning money has to do with personality. He says: "I for exam...

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had ...

A girl named Jennie went to the casino.

J-J-J-Jennie and the Bets

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

One armed Billionaire walked into the Casino.

He puts a few million dollars on the blackjack table and wins every hand for 2 hours.

The pit boss walks over and says "Oh my God...he's about to take down the Casino....Single-Handedly"

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There was a guy leaving Las Vegas and needed a taxi ride to the airport..

There was a line of taxis outside the casino, waiting for customers. Unfortunately for the man he lost all of his money gambling. He approached the first taxi, he asked the fella for a ride and promised him to pay him $5,000 the next time he visited Vegas (since he usually wins big when he is there)...

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

What do you call it when a womanizing casino mogul is in the White House?

Two vice presidents.

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My friend is addicted to visiting Vegas and watching craps in a casino for hours.

Then one day, security dragged him out of the bathroom

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A guy decided to see a prostitute for the first time in Vegas. (NSFW)

The man was recently divorced and just wanted some action. So he walked the streets and found the best looking hooker he could find and took her to his hotel room.

The guy asked the hooker for a hand job, and she said, “sure, that will be $500”

“$500 for a hand job? Are you insane”...

A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino

He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,

"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"

The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."

They just built a steakhouse on the second floor of the casino

The steaks have never been higher

Why did the deer get mad at his girlfriend when she got back from the casino?

She told him that she blew 30 bucks while she was there.

The Lucky Frog

A man goes golfing and notices a frog in the green at the first hole. He doesn’t think anything about it, puts the ball on the tee and prepares to swing when he hears, “Ribbit, 9 iron.”

The man looks around in surprise but doesn’t see anyone. He turns back to his ball and prepares to swing a...

I was in a casino last night and had a few spins on the roulette wheel...

Before the manager told me to get off...

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A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

I walked into a casino and walked out at the end of the night £10,481 richer.

It's great being the owner.

Having owned a few casinos,

Trump should have known that the House always wins

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Dave goes to the casino

I went to a casino today and came home with a briefcase.

As I walked through the door, I looked at my wife and said, "I fucking won!"

"Bloody hell, Dave." she smiled, "How much?! How much?!"

"£40," I replied, "So I bought myself this."

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Two kinda oldish guys visit a casino...

And they arrive at the Roulette table. "Hey, what number should we bet on?" "I dunno. How often do you have sex in a week?" "12 times." "AWESOME! Me too! Let's bet on 12!".

The ball spins around and around and finally settles on the Zero.

Moral: Be honest.

I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.

I just rolled my eyes.

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A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.

"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".

"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same...

Jones is asleep in his bed and in his dream

... he hears a voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!“

Jones wakes up thinking “That was a weird dream” and goes about his day. The next night, he hears the same voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!”

After the third night with the ...

4 men were standing outside a casino (long)

A Mathematician, an engineer, a stock broker and a gambler were standing outside a casino talking.

Suddenly the gambler walks in and comes out broke a few minutes later. I just didn't have any luck.

That's not how you do it the stock broker remarks, let me show you how it's done. The s...

I was in a casino on the roulette machine last night, when the man standing next to me turned to me and said, "Black, 27."

I shook his hand and said, "White, 23."

The best thing you can do is betting your house in the casino.

The house always win.

A local casino is offering marijuana infused beef to their best bettors.

That’s really high steaks for their high rollers.

A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intell...

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I've just opened a casino for dogs. They can play roulette, poker and blackjack all under one roof! However...

...they have to go outside for craps.

What is it called when you're having second thoughts about booking a room at a Native American casino?

A reservation reservation reservation.

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

There's a VERY easy way to leave every casino with a small fortune.

Go there with a large one.

I took my masochistic girlfriend to the casino, but she lost all my money.

She kept screaming “Hit me!” at the blackjack table.

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a man takes a day off work to go golfing

He’s ready to tee off when he hears a frog, “ribbit, 9 iron”

The man is confused, but the frog speaks again, “ribbit, 9 iron”

To prove the frog wrong, the man pulls out his 9 iron and swings at the ball.

Hole in one.

The man bends down and says “you must be a lucky frog...

I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune

Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

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A man wins $5000 at a casino in Las Vegas.

He is so excited after winning some cash he decided to get a prostitute for the night. He goes to the lobby of the casino and finds the prettiest working girl in the whole place. He takes her up to his room for some sexy-times.

"Alright, so what'll it be?" asks the girl.

"hmmm, how abo...

Why do African casinos always go out of business?

Because there's too many cheetahs.

There aren't that many casinos in Africa.

Cause there are too many cheetahs.

And if you meet one who claims he isn't a cheetah, he's probably lion to you.

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A Southern minister began preaching to his congregation about sin

"I know you've sinned, brothers, I want to hear you confess your sins so that you may be forgiven. Tell it all, brothers, tell it all!"

A man in the front row stood up and said "Preacher, I been drinkin'. I been going out on Friday nights and drinkin' with my sorry friends."

The prea...

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Night out at the casino

So this one night I go out to the casino, I feel it's gonna be my lucky day today. I get to the ATM, take up all my motherfucking money (I'm poor so it's like 1000 Euro's). And I proceed to pimp-walk into the casino. I go hard, I'm up like 10K at one point, but even though I got swagger like Mick Ja...

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A man is at the Casino...

A man is sitting at a blackjack table. He's not doing very well, and is about to get up and walk away, when he hears God, 'play again'. The man sits back down and plays another hand. He's dealt 20, and God says 'Hit'. The man, nervously says 'h-hit please'. He's dealt an Ace and wins. He is dealt ag...

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What does a casino and a prostitute have in common?

They both fuck people for money.

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Casino

So a guy is looking for a hooker, he finds a beautiful woman behind a casino and asks how much for a hand job. She points and says you see that Ferrari over there; my hand jobs are $500. He is taken back and says that sure is a lot for a hand job. She says baby I bought that car with all my hand job...

Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?

Because they, like, can't even deal.

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Guys! Guys! I just lost over 200 pounds!!!

Fuck online casinos

Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino?

He was caught counting carbs.

How can you always break even at the casino?

Play the change machines.

What do you call the spirit of a Native American women who haunts a casino?

Poker Hauntress!

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A man is driving to work

A man is driving to work. While he’s waiting at a red light he hears a voice say; “Sell your car and your house and bring all your money to Vegas”. The man is a bit perplexed but decides to ignore it and carry on with his day.

The next day while driving to work he again hears the voice; “Sell...

Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino?

He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.

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Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas.

A man walks in his front door after a long day at work. Upon entering he hears a voice from out of nowhere that says:

"Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas."

He thinks he must have been hearing things, so he ignores it. The next day, upon arriving home, he...

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A blonde woman near the entry of a Las Vegas casino...

A blonde woman is standing near the entry way of a Las Vegas casino at a Coke machine. She puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke…puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke…puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke. A man interrupts and says, “Excuse me maam, can I get in there an...

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A country boy goes to Las Vegas, hits it big at the tables, and meets a gorgeous woman at a ritzy casino.

She's his dream girl, with long red hair, flawless hourglass figure, a stunning smile and intense blue eyes.

She sees him checking her out, and just as he's about to come over and introduce himself, she saunters over and says, "Hey, handsome. Do you like what you see?"

He nods. "Yes, ...

What did the stressed-out casino worker say to their boss?

I literally cannot deal.

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