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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

Why do mountains grow so big?

They have no natural predators.

I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women

On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...
Will be lotion.

Why can't you play hide and seek with mountains

Because they are always peaking

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's strip club. Let's go in."

"But we're privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, let's go sit down and buy some beers."

"But we're privates," sa...

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

You can't combine a vector and a scaler!

Why did the mountain climber drive into the tree?

Because it was there.

What does the NFL have in common with "Brokeback Mountain"?

Cowboys that suck.

How do mountains see?

They peak.

Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

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A man goes to a mountain to talk to God...

He shouts on the top: "God, I asked you to let me win the lottery, but I lost!"

Thunder, wind and a cloud opens giving shinning rays of light, a voice roars: "I told you that I would put the winnning numbers on your wife's buttocks, all you had to do was take a look! The winning number was 77...

What does a mountain say when it's sick?

I'm feeling hill

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A journalist is given a task to interview a man that lives in the mountains and get a funny story out of him.

So the journalist arrives and asks the man a question - "Tell me a funny story that happened in these mountains." The man with a smile on his face says - "I remember this like it was yesterday. Once a neighbour's goat got lost. We got some other men, got booze and food. Went out looking. Took a brea...

My friend climbed the fourth highest mountain in the world. The next week, he climbed the third highest mountain, and the week after that he climbed the second highest one.

Gosh, will this guy Everest?

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A Female Journalist Ventures Into A Village

A female journalist ventures into a village in a faraway land, away from all modern civilization, to write a story about the people that lives there.

When she gets into the village, the villagers give her a warm welcome, tell her that she can talks to anyone and photographs anything that she ...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing brunette and an old lady are sharing a coach on a train as it winds its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

How does a shepherd find a sheep on a mountain top?

Acceptable

There’s was a Mother’s Day retreat in the mountains

there were too many cougars

A man is asked to retrieve a Joke lost in the mountains.

After hours of searching, he returns to the owner, who asks him, "Did you get it yet?"

Shaking his head, the man replies, "I didn't get the Joke."

When I die, I want my remains sprinkled around Disney World, maybe a little bit in "Space Mountain", a bit in "It's a Small World."

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

An Elf Ranger was touring the remote mountain village in which he lived, when suddenly a man ran out of the house and came up to him.

"Ranger!" the man demanded. "My wife recently gave birth to an Elf! And you are the only Elf anywhere around here, everyone else is human! Explain yourself!"

"Now, don't judge too harshly," The Ranger answered and pointed towards the boars in the man's front yard. "You see, boars are normally...

3 Mountain Men Are Sitting in a Bar Trying to decide What to Name Their Newly Settled Land

They throw all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and draw them out one at at a time.



The first draws, "'C', eh."

The second, "'N', eh."

The third, "'D', eh."

I saw a mountain lion the other day.

Almost made me puma pants.

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A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

What do mountains do at dinner time?

They avalunch.

What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

Who put all these mountains in California?

It wasn’t me, it was all San Andreas’ fault!

How does Sisyphus deal with his boulder falling down the mountain?

He just rolls with it.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a mountain.

Ba dum tsss

Why did the mountain laugh?

Because it was hillarious!

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What do you call a Russian blowing a Russian in the mountains?

Ural sex

God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...

He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.

Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?"

God replied, "oh yeah, Andes."

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. ...

What do The Lord of the Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common?

They're both movies about going to a mountain to destroy someone's ring.

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NSFW A man is trekking to a remote, but classy, mountain hostel...

on his way there he sees a guy fucking a goat. About a mile from his destination he sees another dude doing a goat. Arriving at his destination, he sees a man with a wooden leg masturbating behind the shed. He goes in and confronts the manager with what he saw and says "I thought this was a four ...

Mountains aren’t just funny...

They’re hill areas.

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

What's the difference between lord of the ring and brokeback mountain?

The color of the ring that gets destroyed

A Joke Told to Me by an Old Mountain Man.

An elderly gentleman has been placed in a prestigious nursing home. After staying here for several weeks, his family returns to check on him and see how he likes the place. The old man says, "I hate it here. Every time that I lean to the left, a nurse comes and straightens me back out. Every time I ...

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Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.

He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, w...

The Greatest Dad Joke: Moses goes to the top of the mountain and encounters the Heavenly Father, bewildered Moses exclaims “I’m confused, I don’t know what to call you?”

Gods voice booms back “HELLO CONFUSED, I AM”

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Why were the Dwarfs under the Lonely Mountain so good at sex?

All they wanted to do was go deeper.

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.

"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."

"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.

"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to se...

Mountains aren't just funny.

They are hill areas.

They don't ban you for bad and stolen jokes here right?

A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps

One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first.

He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries:

"Ha! ...

Why should you never get undressed in front of a mountain ?

Because they're always peaking

What do you call a poem written while climbing a mountain?

A hikeu

My friend laughs at regions with small mountains

He thinks they're hill areas

On the snowy mountains of eastern Asia, there live a secluded group of monks

Bi-weekly the head monk teaches a class of young monks the way of their order. One particular class began with the head monk explaining that while the world is full of hidden meaning, objects are nothing but themselves, and thus meaningless. The head monk said 'you see children, this vase I hold is ...

I tried to stop my 103 year old grandfather from going mountain climbing

He told me not to worry because he was in his prime

A renowned climber walks into a mountain bar

A lousy climber doesn't because the bar was too high

What did one insomniac mountain climber say to the other?

"Bro, do you everest?"

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

What do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a mountain?

A lambslide.

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin.

Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male ...

There was a shepherd working on a mountain near a road.

One day, while he was chilling on the mountain with his sheeps, he saw a car driving backward on the road. He get closer to the automobilist and ask him :
"Why are you driving backward, man?"
"Because if, when I get to the top, i can't make a u-turn because the road is too small, I will be abl...

What do you call a mountain made of cats?

A meowntain.



:)

A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.

The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.

The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the m...

A man sits next to Albert Einstein on a flight

Einstein says to the man, "This will be a long flight, so let's play a game. I will ask you a question and if you cannot answer it you will give me $5. But if you ask me a question that I cannot answer, I will give you $500."

Thinking $100 to $1 is a good deal, the man says "Ok, you go first....

What do you call a small and funny mountain?

Hillarious.

A man was admiring the mountains around him one day when he asked allowed, “God, did you really make all of this?”

A man was admiring the mountains around him one day when he asked aloud, “God, did you really make all of this? Are you really out there?”

To his great surprise, God answered, “Yes, I did.”

The man was so astonished that God was speaking to him that the only thing he could think to as...

What did the farmer say about his hot pepper farm in the mountains?

It's a little chilly.

Time is like a mountain

It is very difficult to budget

If my wiener was a mountain...

It be Mount Saint Helens

A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ...

Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?

Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!

A mountain man walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no-one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunte...

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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are

Dad: I know, it's nuts

We we’re on a roadtrip over the mountains.

I tried to grab fog, but I always mist.

What do you call flat Mountain Dew?

Plateau Dew

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What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly scept...

What did the happy pebble say to the grumpy mountain?

You need an altitude change!

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Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!

Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!

I just saw brokeback mountain

The action was in tents.

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Two guys hiking in the mountains

There were two guys hiking in the mountains far away from any towns. A venomous snake, from out of no where bites one of the guys on the penis and slithers away. The one guy is on the ground in pain and tells his friend to go to the nearest town to find a doctor. He sets off as fast as he can to the...

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

I've spent three sleepless nights trying to think of a mountain pun.

I'm starting to think I won't Everest.

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

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