UPJOKE
hillvolcanomountglaciermagmamount everestorogenymountainsideriveralpinehillsideasiahighlandafricaplateau

I like mountains.

But volcanoes are ash holes.

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.





I'll show myself out

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..

…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.

The lion then drops to his knees, lo...

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

Mountain Climbing Joke

A politician, 3 doctors, and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt. Everest.
They arrive there and started the long way up the tallest climb on Earth.
It's a grueling climb and they have to stop many times to rest and pull each other up.
Half way into the climb, the rope starts to break. <...

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(Censored version so it doesn’t get taken down again) Three men climb to the top of a tall mountain

Suddenly, it begins raining, therefore the three men won’t be able to get back down safely until the rain stops. Suddenly, a genie appears and informs the men that if they name an object, they will be able to jump off the mountain and land on that object. “Pillows,” says the first man. The man then ...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

Did ya hear about the pilot that flew in to a mountain?

He had a bad altitude.

What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

Often i see people my age out there climbing mountains and ziplining..

and here I am feeling good about myself, because I managed to get my leg through my underwear without loosing my balance.

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A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory

You gotta have a can dew attitude.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing brunette and an old lady are sharing a coach on a train as it winds its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

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Rocky Mountain Oysters.

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just...

Why did the girl break off with the frostbitten mountain climber?

She was lack-toes intolerant.

(P.S. "DAAaa-a-a-a-aad!! Ugh!")

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How is a mountain similar to a penis?

While measuring its lenght, no one can agree where the base is.

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A hitchhiker in the mountains

A guy is driving a serpentine road in Polish mountains. He sees a local waving at him to get a hitch, so he stops. The guy — a 2 metre tall, muscular guy pulls his ciupaga (shepherd’s axe) from his belt and growls:

— Masturbate!

The guy is confused, but he obliges and quickly completes...

A renowned climber walks into a mountain bar

A lousy climber doesn't because the bar was too high

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Do you know the story about the salmon in the mountain lake?

Imagine. A snow topped mountain, evergreen forests, clear blue skies, a beautiful lake reflecting the light of the sun.



Well in that lake, there was a salmon. Above the salmon a fly was buzzing around.


The salmon thinks: "if that fly flies ten centimeters lower, I can catc...

I’ve never killed a mountain lion

but I choked a cougar once.

A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ...

Time is like a mountain

It is very difficult to budget

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub

He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 4!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

Moses returns from the mountain with two tablets.

I've got good news and bad news. Good news: I gottem down to ten. Bad news: Adultery is still one of them

A blizzard hit a remote prison way up in the mountains, the faculty were all evacuated but there was no time to save all the inmates.

After the weather calmed down, the roads were snowed over, and would be impassable until the thaw come springtime. Rescuers were flown in to find the the inmates had all perished due to the unbearable cold. It seemed the only think left to do was to remove the bodies to give closure to the families ...

Why are mountain jokes the best?

Because they're HILLarious

Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she fell off a mountain?

Because she was wearing mittens

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

My mountain climbing partner's last words were wasted on giving me advice about toys I don't even have.

"DON'T LEGO."

Odd.

Why did the chicken lay its egg on the mountain?

It wanted to make an egg-roll.

I was trying to climb a Himalayan mountain and I asked the local guide, “What does a Sherpa do?”

Him: Let me..summit up for you.

Did you hear that Shaquille O'Neal asked Afghanistan to name their tallest mountain after him?

They said Noshaq.

Have you heard about the new show about mountain goats?

Every episode ends on a cliffhanger.

Why don't pirates travel on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

Why are mountains always tired?

Because they don't Everest.

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Italian journalist takes a trip to Gennargentu's mountain

An italian journalist flies over to Sardinia to make a documentary on the Gennargentu mountain. He gets to a little town and finds an old man sitting by his house. The two of them talk a little, our journalist finds out the old man was a sardinian sheperd when he was younger so both of them agree on...

What was The Mountain’s favorite fast food restaurant?

Popeyes

No matter what I do as a mountain climber, I’m always the best.

I just can’t stop peaking.

A Swiss mountain guide gives his tourists the final instructions on how to behave when climbing the Matterhorn.

"So when crossing from the summit ridge to the Hörnligrat, you have to take good care that you don't slip. If a mishap should still happen to you, then do not miss to look sharply to the left after 100 metres of free fall. There you have a fantastic view of the Dufour peak".

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A professor sits with a farmer on a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The fa...

[OC] Whats a mountain goats favourite name?

Cliff

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

I had a friend who almost died from eating Mountain Oysters.

The bull must've drug him a mile.

A man is hiking along a narrow mountain path.

As he's walking round a bend he sees a beautiful, and completely naked women walking towards him. As she gets closer he realised that with a steep rock wall on one side and a sheer drop on the other, there's no way the two of them will be able to pass safely. So he takes one last look at the woman a...

God created the first Swiss and asked him:

"What do you want?"
"Mountains," replied the Swiss.

God created mountains for the Swiss and asked him, "What else do you want?"
"Cows," said the Swiss.

God created cows for the Swiss. The Swiss milked the cows, tasted the milk and asked, "Will you taste, dear God?" The Swiss fill...

What's the most intelligent mountain?

The Cleverest

What is green and glides down a mountain?

A skiwi

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Three men are climbing a mountain...

Three men are climbing a mountain. As they are going over a particularly narrow and dangerous path a strong wind gust blows them over the mountain ridge and they start falling in a deep canyon.

Luckily on the way down the first man manages to grab a branch of a small tree growing from the sid...

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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.

They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to sha...

A man climbed a mountain in search of the legendary Monk of the Moon, said to be the wisest man to ever live...

The man explored the mountainside until he found the monk's cave. "Oh, great Monk of the Moon, what is the meaning of life?"

The monk turned around and lowered his pants. A voice came from his rear end. "One day, your life will end. What you do with that knowledge determines your life's mea...

Young mountain climber

My son made a model of mount Everest for his school project.
"Is it to scale?" I asked him.
"Don't be stupid Dad, it's just to look at!"

Don't get lost in the mountains

Disclaimer: I know this is a childish joke, but I like it and when you tell this one at a party with drunken people, you can almost guarantee a laugh from everyone.

A journalist went to a village in a mountain range to learn about their traditions. He walks up to the village elder and asks: "...

Mountain climbers do so much climbing

Don’t they Everest?

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A bear, a mountain lion, and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “holy shit okay everyone stay calm, I’m calling animal control”

How do mountains see?

They peak.

Mountains are really funny.

You could say they are hill-areas

Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains?

Mountains peak.

Two mountaineers pass a crevasse during a mountain tour

One climber says to the other: "My travel guide fell into this crevasse last year."
The other mountaineer says: "And didn't that really take you away?"
The mountaineer replies: "No, he was already very old anyway, and besides, some pages were missing!"

What do British people call a mountain they've forgotten the name of?

Summit

Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box

The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?”

The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”

What do you call a mountain goat with a fear of heights?

A goat

A young reporter heard about an old man living alone on a mountain who had never asked a question in his life...

*(Before you comment on how terrible this joke is, you should know I wrote this tonight and didn't get it from a joke book. i.e. at least now you have to look me in the eye as you groan ;)...)*

A young reporter heard about an old man living alone on a mountain who had never asked a question i...

How do mountains hear?

with mountaineers (mountain ears)

Three children were walking on a mountain when found a magical slide.

Next to it, there was a sign that said, “whatever you wish for comes true when you slide down”. The first child stepped up, slid down, and wished for a river of chocolate. And voila, he swam in his chocolate river! The second child slid down and wished for a mountain of money. His wish came true...

Did you hear about the climbers who froze to death in the mountains?

They discussed heading back down the hill but cooler heads prevailed.

Why are mountains so good at listening?

Because of all the Mountaineers!

A truck driver reverses down a mountain road

A policeman stops him and asks: "Why are you driving up backwards?"

Driver replies: "My boss said there's no place to turn around."

A little later the truck comes back down, again in reverse.

The policeman asks: "Why are you reversing down now?"

The driver replies: "The b...

What did the small mountain say to the big mountain?

Hi there Cliff!

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion…

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

Why do the older ants go up the side of the mountain and the younger ants go down the side of the mountain?

Because they're descendants!

what's the difference between a Pakistani elementary school in the mountains and an Al-Queda outpost?

I dunno man I just fly the drone.

What does a mountain say when it's sick?

I'm feeling hill

What was Lawrence Welk's favorite mountain range?

The Polkanos.

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

Man on the mountain

One day on a nearby mountain a man stood atop it. He looked at the view and turned his pockets inside out. Powdered gold gushed out at amazing speed as he stood there.

Soon the media caught wind of this and went to investigate. After stuffing as many buckets of gold into their van as they cou...

A man was hiking on a mountain when a small rockslide took him towards a cliff

The man managed to grab ahold of the cliff but was barely hanging on. Not knowing what else to do he looked up towards the sky and shouted “God, if you’re up there, please help me!”

The man heard a voice say “I’m here. I will protect you, but you need to let go.”

The man then shouts “I...

How did the geologist get down the mountain?

'e rode

What sound does a Swiss donkey make on a mountain?

Yodel-ay-hee-haw

Why did the mountain top butcher shop go out of business?

The steaks were to high.

Did you hear about the mountain climber who summited Mt Everest.

safe to say his mountain climbing career peaked

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

What's the difference between a freshwater fish and a mountain goat?

One mucks around in fountains,

How does a Pakistani man find a goat in the mountains?

How does a Pakistani man find a goat in the mountains?


Quite lovely, actually.

Little Timmy is skiing on a mountain with his family

At a certain point, he decides that it would be nice if he impressed his mother, so he shouts: "look mom, without hands!", then proceeds to drop the ski poles on the snow and go down.

After he manages to return on the top, he shouts again: "look mom, without seeing!" then puts his wool hat on...

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

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An Amercian, a Russian and a Shepherd from mountains are drinking.

American starts boasting : " Guys , in USA we have such a big hangar , that it takes a full tank of fuel to cross from one side to other." Russian: " aa that is nothing , we in mother russia , we have such a large pot for potatoes , that we use two nuclear submarines for stirring." . Shepherd " Well...

What mountain is just smaller than Mt. Everest?

Mt. Everer

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A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

I decapitated myself for a mountain rolling competition.

I guess you could say I was ahead.

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Man comes running in the door at home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery" she asks "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

I don't care. Just get the fuck out.

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

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A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now...

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin.

Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male ...

Do you want hear mountain jokes?

Every mountain is edge case.

Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:
"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village...

Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...

...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.

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What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above

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Fun fact: mountain lions pose a very low threat to humans. They're scared of us.

That's because they're big pussies.

What makes mountains such good singers?

They have great range.

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

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