Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

An Elf Ranger was touring the remote mountain village in which he lived, when suddenly a man ran out of the house and came up to him.

"Ranger!" the man demanded. "My wife recently gave birth to an Elf! And you are the only Elf anywhere around here, everyone else is human! Explain yourself!"

"Now, don't judge too harshly," The Ranger answered and pointed towards the boars in the man's front yard. "You see, boars are normally...

What do mountains do at dinner time?

They avalunch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

Mountains aren't funny

They are hill areas

Who put all these mountains in California?

It wasn’t me, it was all San Andreas’ fault!

3 Mountain Men Are Sitting in a Bar Trying to decide What to Name Their Newly Settled Land

They throw all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and draw them out one at at a time.

​

The first draws, "'C', eh."

The second, "'N', eh."

The third, "'D', eh."

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A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

I saw a mountain lion the other day.

Almost made me puma pants.

What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

How does Sisyphus deal with his boulder falling down the mountain?

He just rolls with it.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a mountain.

Ba dum tsss

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing brunette and an old lady are sharing a coach on a train as it winds its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

How do mountains see?

They peak.

God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...

He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.

Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?"

God replied, "oh yeah, Andes."

What do The Lord of the Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common?

They're both movies about going to a mountain to destroy someone's ring.

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What do you call a Russian blowing a Russian in the mountains?

Ural sex

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Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.

He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why were the Dwarfs under the Lonely Mountain so good at sex?

All they wanted to do was go deeper.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. ...

Why did the mountain laugh?

Because it was hillarious!

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.

"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."

"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.

"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to se...

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A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work.

A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work. He walks into the town saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender serves him. After he finishes his whiskey, he asks the bartender,

“Say, is there anywhere around here a guy can get some action? I’ve been in the mine and I ha...

A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps

One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first.

He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries:

"Ha! ...

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NSFW A man is trekking to a remote, but classy, mountain hostel...

on his way there he sees a guy fucking a goat. About a mile from his destination he sees another dude doing a goat. Arriving at his destination, he sees a man with a wooden leg masturbating behind the shed. He goes in and confronts the manager with what he saw and says "I thought this was a four ...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

What's the difference between lord of the ring and brokeback mountain?

The color of the ring that gets destroyed

Mountains aren't just funny.

They are hill areas.

They don't ban you for bad and stolen jokes here right?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers

The Greatest Dad Joke: Moses goes to the top of the mountain and encounters the Heavenly Father, bewildered Moses exclaims “I’m confused, I don’t know what to call you?”

Gods voice booms back “HELLO CONFUSED, I AM”

Why should you never get undressed in front of a mountain ?

Because they're always peaking

A Joke Told to Me by an Old Mountain Man.

An elderly gentleman has been placed in a prestigious nursing home. After staying here for several weeks, his family returns to check on him and see how he likes the place. The old man says, "I hate it here. Every time that I lean to the left, a nurse comes and straightens me back out. Every time I ...

On the snowy mountains of eastern Asia, there live a secluded group of monks

Bi-weekly the head monk teaches a class of young monks the way of their order. One particular class began with the head monk explaining that while the world is full of hidden meaning, objects are nothing but themselves, and thus meaningless. The head monk said 'you see children, this vase I hold is ...

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A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting.

The first morning, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sights and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.



All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his ...

A renowned climber walks into a mountain bar

A lousy climber doesn't because the bar was too high

What's the difference between a mosquito and a mountain climber?

Nothing, because you cannot cross a vector and a scalar

What did one insomniac mountain climber say to the other?

"Bro, do you everest?"

My friend laughs at regions with small mountains

He thinks they're hill areas

I tried to stop my 103 year old grandfather from going mountain climbing

He told me not to worry because he was in his prime

What did the the mountain climber say to the mountain?

I'm sick of your altitude, mister!

What do you call a poem written while climbing a mountain?

A hikeu

Making Rocky Mountain Oysters is tough work

It takes balls.

There was a shepherd working on a mountain near a road.

One day, while he was chilling on the mountain with his sheeps, he saw a car driving backward on the road. He get closer to the automobilist and ask him :
"Why are you driving backward, man?"
"Because if, when I get to the top, i can't make a u-turn because the road is too small, I will be abl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college kid is traveling through the mountains of Georgia...

He’s lost, and having no luck finding his way back to the interstate. It’s getting dark, and the road is twisty — so when he sees a sign “hotel and beer,” he decides to stop for the night. Given that he’s lost, he figures he’ll stop in the bar for one drink and some directions.

When he gets...

What do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a mountain?

A lambslide.

What do you call a mountain made of cats?

A meowntain.

​

:)

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin.

Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male ...

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

What do you call a small and funny mountain?

Hillarious.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.

A man was admiring the mountains around him one day when he asked allowed, “God, did you really make all of this?”

A man was admiring the mountains around him one day when he asked aloud, “God, did you really make all of this? Are you really out there?”

To his great surprise, God answered, “Yes, I did.”

The man was so astonished that God was speaking to him that the only thing he could think to as...

Time is like a mountain

It is very difficult to budget

A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ...

Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?

Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!

A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.

The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.

The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the m...

If my wiener was a mountain...

It be Mount Saint Helens

A man sits next to Albert Einstein on a flight

Einstein says to the man, "This will be a long flight, so let's play a game. I will ask you a question and if you cannot answer it you will give me $5. But if you ask me a question that I cannot answer, I will give you $500."

Thinking $100 to $1 is a good deal, the man says "Ok, you go first....

A mountain man walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no-one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunte...

What did the farmer say about his hot pepper farm in the mountains?

It's a little chilly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada and after a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are

Dad: I know, it's nuts

We we’re on a roadtrip over the mountains.

I tried to grab fog, but I always mist.

What do you call flat Mountain Dew?

Plateau Dew

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a young shepherd living in the mountains

He lived only with his parents. One day his father gets sick and dies. Not much after that, his mother also gets sick and she also dies. So the young boy remains alone. Although he was a real workaholic he decided to get married so that he would he would have a bit of help.

He goes to the ne...

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys hiking in the mountains

There were two guys hiking in the mountains far away from any towns. A venomous snake, from out of no where bites one of the guys on the penis and slithers away. The one guy is on the ground in pain and tells his friend to go to the nearest town to find a doctor. He sets off as fast as he can to the...

What did the happy pebble say to the grumpy mountain?

You need an altitude change!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly scept...

I just saw brokeback mountain

The action was in tents.

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!

Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!

What’s the smartest mountain in the world?

What’s the smartest mountain in the world?

Mt Cleverest

I've spent three sleepless nights trying to think of a mountain pun.

I'm starting to think I won't Everest.

I love mountain plateaus.

The are the highest form of flattery.

How did the geologist get down the mountain?

'e rode

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emperor Palpatine decides to endorse Mountain Dew and appears on an advertisement

“DEW IT”

I've never understood why people climb up mountains in the early hours of the day...

...and then it dawned on me...

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain.

Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."
"Where are we then?"
"Do you see that mountain over there?"
"Yes."
"Well… THAT'S where we are."

Two friends were climbing a mountain

When suddenly one of them took a false step and fell from the top, disappearing from the other's sight.

As they were equipped with radio equipment, the other tried to contact him immediately with his, "Well, well, are you okay?"

"I'm fine!"

The friend sighed in relief, and kept ...

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- ...

A Jewish man traveled to a small mountain island

He was greeted at the harbor by a friendly resident who took him on a tour of the town. As they were walking, they heard a squeal and saw a small furry creature falling down the mountain, tumbling past them before rolling to a stop. The Jewish man looked on in astonishment at this exotic creature. <...

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

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Oldest man on Earth

A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.

After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mounta...

Faith may not be able to move mountains

But I've seen the impact it has on buildings.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An indian, muslim and black man is in the Siberian mountains

They are seeking shelter and find a house belonging to a farmer. They knock on the door and ask if they can stay the night there, the farmer agrees but since there is only room for two of them inside the house, one must sleep in the barn.

"Well, I do not mind a little discomfort," the muslim...

Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains?

Mountains peak.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This sub Reddit is like rain on a mountain

We don't know where it's going but it's going downhill fucking fast