Mitch Jokes - 49 Hilarious Mitch Jokes

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

A joke in honor of Mitch and Diane

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

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The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

By The Great Mitch Hedberg.

"A dog is forever in a push up postion".

I just got the Mitch Hedberg COVID test.

I asked my friend if he knows anyone with COVID.

He said “No.”

So I know I don’t have COVID because he knows me.

News reports today that Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell hospitalized after fall.

He finally brought a motion to the floor.

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose...

Which means the drugs came from Mexico. Otherwise, he would've over-two'd.

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I just bought a Mitch Hedburg Album I've never heard before. "Mitch Hedburg: The Lost Jokes"

It was blank.

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Ray Bradbury wrote a book about Mitch McConnell having sex...

"Something Wicked This Way Comes".

My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke:

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke

"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor....

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checks his heart. Then he checks his breathing, his eyes and ears. He does the works. After finishing checking him up and just before sending him out the door McConnell asks.

McConnell: “Hey doc I’d like to donate my body to...

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy

I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit

Mitch Hedberg Joke - Escalators

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
-Mitch Hedberg

A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg...

I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!

Breaking news: Mitch Hedberg dead at 48

Has been dead since 37, but is still dead, too.

This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke

So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious...

Why doesn’t Senator Mitch McConnell wear a helmet when he rides his motorcycle?

‘Cause he is naturally triple chin strapped.

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I wrote a letter to my dad (by Mitch Hedberg)

I wrote a letter to my dad.
I was gonna write: "I really enjoy being here",
but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'.

I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out,
so I wrote: "I rarely drive steamboats, dad.
There's a lot of shit you don't know a...

I have a good friend who I call Mitch.

I entrusted him with taking care of my bunny while I was on vacation.

However when I got back, he posted on Facebook that he was at a party.

So I drove there as fast as I could, meanwhile I was thinking to myself, 'Mitch better have my bunny.'

What would Mitch Hedberg say if he were alive?

Hey man, get me out of this coffin.

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What does my butthole have in common with Mitch McConnell?

They both got fucked last night.

If i got a dollar for every Mitch Hedberg joke i stole

I'd be making money in a very strange way.

They say Mitch McConnell is spineless. I disagree.

Snakes definitely have spines.

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

What did the cow say to the farmer named Mitch?

Moo Mitch, get out the hay

By my estimation, Mitch McConnell's true age is...

...350 turtle years.

I bought a world map for my room, I’m gonna put a pin on everywhere that i’ve travelled…

… but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

(Mitch Hedberg 2003)

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

[Remembering] Today is the 10th anniversary of the passing of Mitch Hedberg

Share some of your favorite Hedberg lines! Personally, I quote these ones the most:

"I have not slept for ten days because that would be too long."

"I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to, too!"

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, “Everything we raise here is organic.”

I hope so! Because I’m not eating a chicken made of rocks.

So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
— Mitch Hedberg

R.I.P.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

RIP to one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg. The king of one liners

I'm against picketing....

But I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

When I was a boy ...

I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg

I can't find my pet rabbit anywhere, I think my buddy Mitchell took it.

Mitch better have my bunny.

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Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

I haven't slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

-Mitch Hedberg

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Big juicy steak

Mitch and Bob are eating dinner at Bob’s cattle ranch.

“Bob, this steak is so good. How do you do it?”

“I got a little secret. Thing is, before you slaughter the cows, ya gotta *tenderize* the meat,” says Bob with a sly wink.

Aghast, Mitch spits out his streak, “You don’t mean...

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.

^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

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