I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

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The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...

... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)

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I just bought a Mitch Hedburg Album I've never heard before. "Mitch Hedburg: The Lost Jokes"

It was blank.

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor....

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checks his heart. Then he checks his breathing, his eyes and ears. He does the works. After finishing checking him up and just before sending him out the door McConnell asks.

McConnell: “Hey doc I’d like to donate my body to...

Why doesn’t Senator Mitch McConnell wear a helmet when he rides his motorcycle?

‘Cause he is naturally triple chin strapped.

My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke:

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

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TIL That a Blue Whales Anus Can Stretch to 40 Inches...

This makes it the second biggest asshole on earth, right behind Mitch McConnell.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

I’m so happy about all this “Moscow Mitch” business going on.

We’re finally Putin him in his place.

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I wrote a letter to my dad (by Mitch Hedberg)

I wrote a letter to my dad.
I was gonna write: "I really enjoy being here",
but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'.



I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out,
so I wrote: "I rarely drive steamboats, dad.
There's a lot of shit you don't know a...

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

Mitch Hedberg Joke - Escalators

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
-Mitch Hedberg

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

If i got a dollar for every Mitch Hedberg joke i stole

I'd be making money in a very strange way.

I have a good friend who I call Mitch.

I entrusted him with taking care of my bunny while I was on vacation.

However when I got back, he posted on Facebook that he was at a party.

So I drove there as fast as I could, meanwhile I was thinking to myself, 'Mitch better have my bunny.'

3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit.

Mitch better have my bunny.

Breaking news: Mitch Hedberg dead at 48

Has been dead since 37, but is still dead, too.

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What does my butthole have in common with Mitch McConnell?

They both got fucked last night.

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You've got to think fast at times

So, a young woman, Shirley, has a job interview in the morning, but her best friend's bachelorette party is happening that night, and she has to attend. The ladies meet for drinks and party most of the night. As a surprise, some male strippers show up later to their hotel room and whip them up into ...

Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, “Everything we raise here is organic.”

I hope so! Because I’m not eating a chicken made of rocks.

This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke

So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious...

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy

I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit

A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg...

I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

What would Mitch Hedberg say if he were alive?

Hey man, get me out of this coffin.

So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
— Mitch Hedberg

R.I.P.

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

What did the cow say to the farmer named Mitch?

Moo Mitch, get out the hay

They say Mitch McConnell is spineless. I disagree.

Snakes definitely have spines.

By my estimation, Mitch McConnell's true age is...

...350 turtle years.

[Remembering] Today is the 10th anniversary of the passing of Mitch Hedberg

Share some of your favorite Hedberg lines! Personally, I quote these ones the most:

"I have not slept for ten days because that would be too long."

"I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to, too!"

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One snowy day in Washington, Trump screams for the Secret Service agents on duty.

The agents rush in.

Trump says, "I looked out the window and saw that someone wrote 'Fuck Trump' with their piss in the snow. Get the crime lab down here immediately and test the urine. I want to know who did it!"

Next day, the lab report comes in" "Urine is Mitch McConnell's. Handwrit...

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.

So I got a cake

-Mitch Hedberg

there are no red states or blue states in america.

they're all like mitch mcconnell's hands

some shade of purple.

A Washington hooker gets a tattoo of Mike Pence on one inner thigh and one of Bill Barr on the other ...

Then when she gets a customer, she says, "If you can name both of them, I'll give you one for free."

Customer replies, "Hmm, I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is Mitch McConnell."

I bought some candles but I didn't have any candle holders...

So I bought a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

“I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!”

“You’ve got both your legs, Frank”

“Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.”

-Mitch Hedberg (That 70’s Show)

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[long] A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets

A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets, as he stops at a trafic light, he recognizes an old friend from high shcool driving a barely functionning Fiero. The guy can't resist making fun of his old classmate and his apparent bad luck with money.

*"Hey Mitch, it's been a long ti...

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

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If you are ever

If you are ever lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house.


"Well I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament".



Classic Mitch Hedberg

I use to be an alcoholic

I still am but I use to be too.


One of my Mitch Hedberg favorites.

My friend Mitchell is a magician...

My friend Mitchell is a magician. I lent him a rabbit for one of his magic shows a few weeks back. My wife and I invited him over for dinner lastnight, and as he pulled up into the driveway, I turned to my wife and said...




“Mitch better have my bunny.”




This is m...

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

I'm tired of following my dreams

I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.




(I used to miss Mitch. I still do, but I used to too.)

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

“I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others,”

"Mitch Hedberg"

The president is walking down a narrow hallway

Mitch McConnell was walking down the hallway in the same direction but, being half-tortoise, was moving far slower.

Trump pushes past him, shouting, "Get outta my way!"

McConnell says, "Pardon me, Mr. President."

Trump stops and turns around. "I didn't know you worked on my cam...

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on

\- Mitch Hedberg.

Three boys are fighting at the zoo

The zookeeper separates them and says: "Alright, I want each of you to tell me his name and what he's doing here."

The first boy says: "My name is Mitch and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."

The second boy says: "My name is Ali and I was trying to feed peanuts to the goril...

If I had a dollar every time I read a repost on r/jokes....

I would be making money in a very unusual way.


RIP Mitch Hedberg.

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Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...

I gave the pet store $20

Mitch better have my bunny

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Big juicy steak

Mitch and Bob are eating dinner at Bob’s cattle ranch.

“Bob, this steak is so good. How do you do it?”

“I got a little secret. Thing is, before you slaughter the cows, ya gotta *tenderize* the meat,” says Bob with a sly wink.

Aghast, Mitch spits out his streak, “You don’t mean...

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?

Mitch better have my money.

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