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Reassure Jokes

Just got back from the ER and I'd like to reassure you guys that I'll be all right after a couple of days on pain relief.

But I just thought I'd warn you that the Dyson ball cleaner is really misleadingly named.

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Jim was feeling self-conscious so he wanted his wife to reassure him by proving she can pick his dick out of a line-up

He sets up a wall with 4 glory-holes. He and 3 of his friends each stick their dicks through one of the 4 holes. The wife takes a look at the 4 penises and says "Jim, your penis is number 3". She picked correctly. Jim pulls his dick out of the hole, runs to the other side of the wall and embrace...

Do you know how terrorists reassure others?

come on, this will be a total blast!

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

How do you reassure a suicidal person?

You tell them to hang in there.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

What did T say to reassure V?

"Don't worry. I'm right behind U."

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

Ruto, a politician, visited a village and and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, Ruto whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the ...

I try to reassure everyone I meet, Republican or Democrat alike - the cost of replacing Trump is actually not that high.

It is only 1 Pence.

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

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A man has problems with urinating in one direction

This gentlemen was in a frightful state, bursting into the public lavatory sweating and groaning. Desperate to have a pee, he stands in the middle cubicle between two guys and let’s rip. The pee flies everywhere, up the walls, onto his shoes and all over the other guys who are disgusted and run out ...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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A doctor had sex with his patient and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt about it the next day. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the shame. Once and a while, a voice would reassure him

"Don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only medical practitioner to have sex with their patient."

Then another voice would jump in and bring him back to reality: "you are a sick bastard." It whispered "and a terrible veterinarian."

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires,...

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” complained a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror…

“Nonsense, ma’am,” said the salesclerk trying to reassure her.

“That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied.

“I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

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A baby is born without an eyelid and referred to a Plastic surgeon

Plastic surgeon : You’re lucky it’s a boy. We will perform a circumcision and reconstruct the eyelid with the foreskin.
Mom (not entirely reassured): Will he be ok ? Will he be cockeyed?

Plastic surgeon : Oh no Ma’am, in fact he will have foresight.

I was worried about my prostate exam

But luckily my doctor was kind enough to keep his hands on my shoulders the whole time to reassure me.

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire l...

A woman visits her daughter who went to college.

\- Listen, - the mother says after looking around - I know I raised you well, but... I see this campus has quite the loose morals. How, with everything around, do you manage to keep your chastity?

\- Oh, it's very simple, Mom, - the daughter reassures her. - Whenever some guy gets too pushy, ...

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A woman complains to her BFF.

\- I simply don't know what to do. All my husband talks about is his Mom. It's always "Mom is a better cook", "Mom is better at cleaning", "Mom this", "Mom that"... never pays any attention to me.

\- Don't worry, that's no problem, - the friend reassures her. - You simply need to draw his att...

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A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him t...

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A young woman was pregnant with triplets, she was then shot three times

At the hospital, she asked the doctor if the bullets would affect her children.

"Not at all ma'am, the children should pass the bullets naturally in a few years" replied the doctor

Fast forward 13 years, and the triplets are all teens. One day, one of her daughters came to her and sa...

Car crash

Today I came upon a car crash. The female driver was hysterical. She kept screaming “I’m blind, I’m blind” I tried to calm her down and reassure her she was just in shock. I asked her “How many fingers do I have up?” “ She screamed even louder “ Oh my God, I’m paralyzed from the waist down too”

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After another attempt at lovemaking was ruined by my premature ejaculation, the wife was sat on the edge of the bed in floods of tears..

"Please baby, don't cry like that." I said, taking her hands from her face.


"Why? Why the fuck not, Barry?" She howled. "It's every time. Every. Fucking. Time. Am I not allowed to be upset about it?"


"Well of course you are sweetheart, of course you are." I reassured her. "But ...

my gf always worries that I will cheat on her if I am on a night out

I reassure her "why would I have a kebab when I have the best steak ever at home"

But when you are drunk those greasy kebabs sure are tasty

A wealthy Saudi man comes home one day and finds his two wives fighting about which one he loves more.

As he tries to reassure both of them that he cares for them equally, one asks “if we were all out on your yacht and it started sinking, and you could only save one of us, which would you save?”

The man ponders for a moment, turns to the other wife, takes her hands in his, and says “my dearest...

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This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

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A man is at the bar, talking about his best friend, Max, being interested in his girlfriend.

"I understand I may be overreacting, but I'm still kinda worried like what happened to my ex." The bartender tells him "You'll be fine, just ask if there's a misunderstanding and try to clear it up." He thanks the bartender and goes home.

When he opened the door, he found Max having sex with ...

After the birth of our first child my wife was worried that she'd be a bit "loose" .

I tried to reassure her but ended up putting my foot in it.

A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being

She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies:
"Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!"

A group of Arab businessmen were gathering for a meeting ...

As they all filed in to take their seats, there was a round of semi-formal greetings exchanged, with many courteously bowed heads.

One attendee rushed in slightly late and sat down, and, unsure of what had already happened, leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "Has the meeting started y...

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day....

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day. It's extremely blustery and everything is blowing around.

He approaches a woman walking the other way who is struggling in the wind. All of a sudden, her skirt blows up! It turns upward, covering her face. The woma...

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies...

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies when he injures a finger badly.

He goes to the doctor and explains what happened.

The doctor examines it and says "It's broken, but we'll be able to get it healed up just about as good as new."

The guy gets a concerned look on his face...

A man and a woman in their 50's are out to dinner...

The wife asks, "Honey, when I die, would you ever re-marry?"

The husband replies "I might, but only if I had your blessing..."

The wife says "Of course, my love - but would you let her drive my prized Mercedes??"

The man reassures her saying "No, I would never let another woman ...

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I'm a building contractor, recently I was hired to create a new set for a porn production company and told I have free reign over its design.

I was never a big fan of porn and was concerned I wouldn't be able to create a suitable set for such productions without guidance, but the client reassured me

"If you build it, they will come."

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

My wife said she thought Lance was a weird name

But I reassured her people used to be named Lance a lot

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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

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Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building

Why did escape from the operating room? said the director

Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."

So what? she was just trying to reassure you...

She was talking to the surgeon!

A minister had fallen on tough financial times...

So tough, that he was unsure of how he would pay next months bills, or continue to provide food for his family.

One day, in a moment of doubt, he prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am worried and uncertain, but know that you always provide for your children. Please, give me some words from your book...

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.

One day the priest says, "My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don't answer, I'll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating...

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The Troubles (long)

In the 1970s a lady got pregnant in Belfast. Actually, a lot of ladies got pregnant in Belfast in the 1970s, there wasn't much on TV. Anyway, this particular lady was going to have triplets. When she had almost come to term, she was walking down the street when a battle erupted between the provos an...

Two insane patients escaping from medical facility...

They found the way during the night to reach the roof and jump the gap to building next door. The first guy jumped over, but second guy was afraid of heights and froze. The first guy tried to reassure him "look, I'll glow this flashlight and you can easily walk over the beam"

The other guy re...

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

I don't know why they have to Italian, but ... (longish)

A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house. The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscly chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he got a large hairy chest!”. To wh...

A Newly Wed Chinese Couple Go on Their Honeymoon

They get to the hotel late. The bride is visibly nervous and the groom is patiently and lovingly trying to reassure her.

He says "You don't need to worry about anything. Anything you want, I do for you."

Feeling a bit calmer she inquisitively looks at him and says "anything?"

"A...

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A man goes to his doctor and tells him...

... that his wife has been refusing to have sex with him for the last several months. The doctor reassures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife says, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a cab ev...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

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A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...

She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.

The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and ...

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Boys have a thing and girls don't. Pt 2

*Hijacking the title from the front page*

Little Tommy was coming home from school after any regular Monday of 3th grade. As he passed his classmate Susie’s house, he saw her playing with her dolls in the yard. Being a miserable 9 year old he yelled over to Susie. “Hey Susie, you see this bik...

My wife went shopping and we got into a fight

My wife went shopping and we got into a fight when she came home.

She spent $1000 on a bag of pasta. I couldn't believe it, and I lost my temper.

But she reassured me that it would be worth every penne.

A woman went to her doctor

for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places...

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Bob is the owner of a sawmill. He's away on vacation when he gets a call from his Foreman, Charlie....

"Bob," says Charlie, "Bad news. Carl had an accident. Poor bastard sawed his leg off.

Bob gasps. "That's terrible! Is he ok?"

"Oh he's fine!" Charlie reassures him. "We put his leg in a plastic bag, rushed him to the ER, they sewed it right back on , and he'll be back first thing in t...

getting in to heaven

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates,



being greeted by St. Peter.



She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is?



It's so beautiful.



Did I really make it to heaven?"



To which St. Peter...

You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.

As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.

Two hours l...

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

I'm exhausted. Just came back from the hospital.

My girlfriend was in a bad way. Tonight the doctors told me that she urgently needed a blood transfusion and I had no idea what blood type she was. Obviously she saw my panic, and god bless her, with her last breath she reassured me by saying, "Be positive. Be positive." For her, I was. I'll miss he...

Watermelons

A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell. At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left and he isn't looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning. He comes up wi...

A man goes for a jog...

...as he passes the tennis courts he finds a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and it seems to be a good find, so he puts it in his pocket and continues his jog. As he approaches home, he sees his next door neighbor outside watering the lawn. He stops to say hello and they start chatting. Ho...

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Italian Wedding Night

**Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.**


**Her mother reassured her;**


**'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of...

Yesterday a redditer smashed a hole in my fence...

But he reassured me he could repost it within the hour

An animal rights advocate got really upset with me after I told them that I wash my dog with my own shampoo instead of pet shampoo...

...I reassured her that it had already been tested on animals.

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid. So he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than originally intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his.

As he was paying f...

A Soviet era joke about the value of hard work - Drink vodka, play cards

*This joke was told to me by a former colleague who was Russian, and had lived and worked under the Soviet system. He was a nuclear engineer there... and the only member of his team not sent to Chernobyl to help in the clean up. Anyway, like our hero of this story, I was fresh faced and a little hig...

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A man goes into the doctor's office with a strange little lump on his forehead

The doctor does some tests, and then sits the man down.

"I have some bad news for you", the doctor says, "you have a penis growing out of your forehead".

The man is shocked, he yells: "that's horrible! I will look like a freak!"

"No, no, don't worry about that. You won't be ab...

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

Saving people from a burning building

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.

The b...

Little Johnny went to get his teeth checked one day.

He was really nervous and he could not bring himself to trust the dentist, despite the kind dentist`s efforts to reassure him.

No matter what the dentist said, Johnny just became more and more worried. Gentle coaxing from the dentist eventually got Johnny on the chair, which the dentist then ...

No Bedside Manner

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

There was a concert in Joe's farm

The horse, the cat and the dog were really impressed by their performance.

The next day, the horse asks the cat and the dog if they would like to create their own band and go to Europe to perform live.
"Are you stupid, we are animals" said the dog.
"Don't worry, I saw an announcement...

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An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night.

In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VER...

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