Army Jokes - 127 Hilarious Army Jokes

Old army joke

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well...

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

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Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.

FNG 1: How was your first jump today?

FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.

FNG 1: Did you Jump???

FNG 2: A l...

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is

But everyone keeps saying it's private

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

A man walks into an army base and kills a lieutenant, a private, and two generals

There were no Major causalties

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

Who is the only higher ranked officer in the Chicken Army above Colonel Sanders?

General Tso.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers. The Soviet genera...

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry

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A Sexy Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have sex ?

Colonel:1955.

She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?

The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!

A Wolf and a Hare are being drafted into the army.

The Hare goes in first to be tested. An officer shows him a pistol:

O: What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him an assault rifle): What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him a grenade): What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him a brick): What...

What cheat code do you use to get into the Army?

Left, left, left, right, left

There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and...

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard
training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane. The next
day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"We...

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An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

What do you call an army of toddlers

Infantry…

I really hope this isn’t a repost

An army officer is having a heartfelt conversation with his wife in the kitchen before heading off for another long deployment

"Sweetheart, I'm about to be away for another year."

"Oh, I'll miss you terribly!"

"I'll miss you too," he says with a mischievous glance at her chest, "And these lovely ladies of yours."

Blushing, she suggests, "Why not give them a little attention now to make up for the coming...

A Sargent in the army is out fishing with a navy sailor

A big gust of wind hits their small boat, and it capsizes. The Sargent starts to swim to shore, but he notices his friend is sinking and panicking in the water, so swims back, and pulls him to safety.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this.” The sailor says, “If people found out I can’t swim I’...

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

When I was in the Army....

When I was in the Army, I had a sergeant once hand me an axe and he said "See this rope?" I said that I did, indeed, see the rope. He said "good, when I nod my head, I want you to hit it with the axe." he nodded his head and I did as I had been ordered to do.

And to this day I STILL don't kn...

"Dad, were you shot in the army?"

"No, I was shot in the leggy."

Why does the French army surrender so quickly?

They have nothing Toulouse.

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him.

The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle.

So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

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A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet

They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.

The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"

to which the navy man replies: "In ...

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

Why should you never hire a skeleton army?

They have no skin in the game

Where would one buy a leader for an army?

At the General store.

Why does the army need people under the age of 5?

For the Infantry

A young man joins the army.

He promises to call his father every week and update him on how things are going. A few months in he calls home and tells his dad that they started doing parachute jumps this week.

Knowing that his son is greatly afraid of heights, the father asked how it went. "Well, I said I wasn't going t...

An army general needs some change

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink. He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, "Do you have any spare change?" The soldier replies, "Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters," and digs into his pocket.

The general narrow...

What do you call an army of German lycanthropes?

The Were-macht.

Putins army isn't the only thing retreating

His hairline is, too.

I’m in an army of even numbers

It’s a battle against the odds

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?

They only had 2 vans

Where does the US Army go to get new senior officers?

Dollar General.

What do to call an army man living on a toilet

A loo tenant

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Army Joke

The Sergeant Major was tasking the cpls and privates with cleaning up the cigarette butts in the smoking are as we got ready to leave one place and move to another.
One non-smoking young soldier said, “I don’t think I should have to clean up butts sir, I don’t smoke”, to which the Sergeant Major...

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Army

Two brothers went to join the Army when they went for the medical, and undressed, both of their penises hung down to their knees, The Medical Officer was amazed, He Said: “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life, Was your father well endowed.?” The brothers said, “we don’t know Sir, we got these...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right...

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How did the man remove the Swiss Army knife from his rectum safely without hurting himself?

Please answer soon it’s starting to hurt

Two dictators are arguing about whose army is more obedient.

They walk to the edge of the cliff and call a soldier over. Putin commands his soldier to jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."

Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier is about to jump when Putin grabs his ar...

Retired British Army Officers

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out...

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

A boy from the backcountry was drafted into the Army.

On the first day, they issued him a comb. Later that day, the barber shaved his head.

The next day, they issued him a toothbrush. Later that day, the dentist pulled three of his teeth.

The next day, they issued him a jockstrap.

He has been AWOL ever since.

Where does the Colonel keep his army?

Up his sleevey

My father is a 4-star General in the Army.

Which means he has mostly favourable reviews on TripAdvisor.

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A young man joins the Army.

A brave young man during WW2 decides he is going to join Army and show his father he is ready to be a man.
The father who was a veteran himself, and thought this is exactly what his son would need.
His son was always small, scared, and afraid of hard work.

“About time you finally deci...

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

Before an army officer can get married,

they need to know the rules of engagement.

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

army recruitment

If a war breaks out, I think they will take me to communication because I'm an electrical technician. When it was the last war, my grandfather was probably also in communication because he had two lightning bolts on his helmet.

The conscript receives a summons to the army

He is afraid, so he says to his friend:

\- Knock out all my teeth, then they won't take me into the army!

A friend knocks out his teeth, as he asks.

The next day they meet again.

A friend asks him:

\- How are you?

The conscript replies, lisping terribly:
...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

The army had to fire three of their generals..

They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:

"You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another"

The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he pos...

Why is the army always tired?

Because they have fatigues!

Did the Confederate Army think they were racist?

General Lee speaking, no.

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

During my army training, I had to get over a wall...

So I got drunk and slept with its friend.

The Russian army is trying to hire an artist to repaint the Zaporizhzhia power plant.

They get paid in exposure.

what was Elvis assigned to do when he joined the army?

To look for Suspicious Mines.

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A Newly wed young man gets enrolled in the army

Upon arrival at the border, he goes silent and depressed as he hasn't even gone through his honeymoon phase. He doesn't participate in any group conversations nor he has any friends there. Things get too gloomy for him.
Upon noticing this, his fellow soldiers in attempt to cheer him up ask him t...

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A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

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What do army men say after sex?

Thank you for your Cervix!

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.

The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

Why isn't the Russian army as strong as expected?

Because they wasted all their steroids on figure skaters a month ago.

I just found out that I got drafted into the Russian Army.

I don't need ammunition. I need a ride.

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.

He said, "It's Private."

I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

What do you call a routed Greek army?

A Failanx

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

Soviet joke about russian army. Still relevant.

Give a private two metallic spheres. After a while one will be broken, one - lost.

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

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An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire.

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

What do you call an army of invisible people?

Notsees.

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

The Irish Army received reports of Russian spies in their barracks.

To find the spy, they put a can of Guinness at each soldier's bed during the night, the second morning, the Russian who drank the canned Guinness is then arrested.

The other barracks received the same report and try to do the same, they left a bottle of vodka by the bed of every soldier, the ...

Why does Luxembourg have a standing army?

Because there is no room to sit down.

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

You know, everyone is always talking about army bases...?

why no love for army altos or army tenors?

Why is The Salvation Army the best known charity?

The others just don't ring a bell.

One of Santa's reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner

Back then he was known as Private Dancer

In WWII, a soviet army marches through Finland...

Suddenly, from over the hill, they hear a voice shout, "One Finnish soldier is worth 10 Soviets!"

The Soviet commander is annoyed. He sends 10 troops over the hill to investigate. After a few minutes, he hears gunshots, screams, and then silence. Then the voice shouts again, "One Finnish sol...

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

I tried to make a Joke about the French army.

Well, I gave up.

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

...

Insuring the Army

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the ...

Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"

Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.

Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangit...

It is May 2022 and a Russian army is marching through Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

"One Finnish tank is better than 10 Russian tanks!"

The Russian general laughs, as he sends 10 T-14 Armata, the most powerful tanks of the Russian military on the hill to capture it. There is the sound of battle for a mi...

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?

He had too many SLEEPLESS knights!

Alternative answer:

Because they Came A Lot.

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

Old army joke from Romania(Ukraine's neighbor) about Russian soldiers

This joke was left to me by my grandfather who fought in a couple of wars before he passed away and it's in regard to statues of Russian soldiers in the old USSR.

Russian soldiers,

why did they put you

up there?

Because you lied to the people,

or because y...

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Army Reward

3 Soldiers have come back from a tour in vietnam and they are met by their superior:

"Good Job Lads! You are all going to get a reward. you are to choose 2 parts of your body, I will measure and will give you £1,000 an inch, understood?!"

Soldier 1: "Yes Sah! I choose from the bott...

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking weed?

Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

Why did the Roman Army cross the road?

They were crucifying Jesus

A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a sp...

Well now that the BTS boys are going to the army i guess they'll come back with

BTSD

A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

Australian in the US army

A drill sergeant is yell at an Australian private.

Officer: did you come here to die!!!

Private: no sir I came here yesterday.

(Must say in Australian accent.)

So a lady saw an army general..

So a lady saw an army general, looking quite charismatic. She instantly felt like hooking up with him. So she kissed him held his hands and took him to a room. On the way she asked him, "so tell me general when was the last time you made love to a woman?"

The general, still savoring the taste...

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

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Army man dont want deploy

So army man sees dress woman and ask to go under dress

Army pass by and ask her where army man is

She say she dont kno

Army man says sorry for being under her dress but says she has nice leg

Lady said look up further and you find nice dick

Man was confused

L...

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