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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

What do German’s call a dead battery?

A nein volt.

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

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I got angry when my phone battery died.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

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My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

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Whats does a 9 volt battery and girls butt hole have in common.

You arnt suppose to lick it but you do anyways.

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

What did the phone say to his friend before his battery ran out?

“Tell my wifilove her.”

What's the difference between a battery and my wife?

A battery has a positive side.

Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny?

Yeah, assault with a battery.

Apparently he just kept going on the guy.

I hear they're charging him.

My chemistry teacher threw sodium chloride and Lithium ions at me

That’s a salt and battery

What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

I just wanted to use the last 1% of my battery to tell you

The Zodiac Killer is Te

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

I'm having trouble getting my girlfriend turned on

Her battery's charged and everything

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What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common?

You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it
anyway.

My car wouldn't start so I tried to jump it.

Now I've got a dead battery *and* a broken rib.

I can relate well to a battery

Because I too am never included in anything

What did the little battery yell when it stepped on a lego?

AAA

Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!”

Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”

There are those who check their cellphone battery life at the end of a work day to see how much they goofed off..

And then there are those with cellphone chargers.

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

It's great when battery positive terminals are marked.

When it comes to helping identification, it's a big plus.

A man was caught stealing a used battery from a neighbour.

Police: Why did you commit the crime, sir?

Man: Oh, I heard it was free of charge.

In a courtroom one morning

Barry the Basher was being faced with multiple charges of aggravated battery. He had a reputation of assaulting his victims with a baseball bat.

However, the opposing legal team discovered that all of their evidence was either lost or destroyed and were not able to tie him to any of the cha...

An old married couple are in church one day… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really wet, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

Do you know why the cellphone got arrested?

He was trying to steal from a power bank. He was charged with battery.

While I was at work, someone hooked up a car battery to my front door.

As you can imagine, I was shocked.

Battery salesmen are the best.

They always have the most energy.

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

A man attacked and stole a battery from a Muslim sovereign.

He was charged for a-sult-an' battery.

Do any of you want to buy a dead battery?

I’m not charging much for it.

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

I totally understand how battery's feel!

Because i'm never included in things either.

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A nurse is standing in a consultation room with a patient

The patient says"this is a little embarrassing so please don't laugh"

The nurse "I've been a nurse for 12 years nothing you show me is going to make me laugh"

The man drops his trousers revealing a penis the size and girth of a triple A battery.

The nurse stifles her giggle but ...

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

if apple had named battery acid

it would probably be called "apple juice"

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

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A woman's asshole is like a 9-volt battery.

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it.

Why did the robot get attested?

It was charged with battery.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

Four Engineers

4 Engineers get into a car. A Mechanical Engineer, a Petroleum Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, and a Network Engineer. They go to start the car and nothing. The Mechanical Engineer says, "Hey guys, we've got a bad starter, we're going to need to fix that before the car will start." The Petrole...

Why did the judge stop the merger of Duracell and Morton's?

He couldn't allow a salt and battery in his court!

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

Did you hear about the lonely battery?

Poor guy was never included.

They took the Duracell bunny into custody today

He was charged with battery.

Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery.

Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone

If you lose your fingers your girlfriend basically turns into a truck with no battery...

You can’t turn her on so she demands to be toed.

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