UPJOKE
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Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

What did the Battery say on his Blind Date?

I have a lot of energy and I am a pretty positive guy. But I do have a negative side.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.

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What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

A robot tried to rob a bank but was caught when its battery died.

Police have no plans…to charge the suspect.

Would you like a dead battery?

They're free of charge!

A robot went on a crime spree in our neighbourhood right before it ran out of battery.

The cops are refusing to charge the perpetrator.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks...

They charged one - and let the other one off.

How do you jump start a serial killer robot with a dead battery?

Charge it with murder.

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah...

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called?

Apple juice

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with murder.

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What do a butthole and a 9v battery have in common?

We know we shouldn’t put our tongue on it but we do it anyway. (rim shot…no pun intended)

What's the most Canadian Battery?

Triple Eh!

Fitbit has recalled its Ionic smart watch, after finding out the battery can dangerously overheat

They admitted, this isn't what you're after when you're told to feel the burn.

A man was found electrocuted, with only a car battery in the room.

Police are still looking for leads.

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

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I shoved a battery up my ass for an experiment

The results where shocking

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days..

Congratulations. You understand Hanukkah.

What did the potato chip say to the battery?

If you are Eveready I am Frito Lay

What do women have in common with my phone battery percentage?

If it's below twenty then I won't put my hands on it.

Why should you not wave a red flag in front of a battery?

Because a battery charges

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NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

[nsfw] What did the amorous potato chip say to the battery?

If you're ever ready, I'm free ta lay.
(Everyready/Frito-Lay).

I have lived with this joke shrapnel for years and I thought I would share.

What happens after your phone battery gives birth?

It delivers its percenta.

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

Why did the battery die?

Terminal illness.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

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What’s the difference between a 9 volt battery and an ass hole.

You know you shouldn’t but you still want to put your tongue on it.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

A local electrician was arrested and charged for battery, yesterday.

And spent the night in a dry cell.

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

What battery makes the best dessert?

Lithi - yums

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

I was arrested for battery

But my lawyer said I won’t have that charge for long.

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My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

What kind of cancer does a battery get?

TERMINAL

So told someone to eat a battery

I told someone to eat a battery for breakfast. They ask why. My reasoning it's a good Energizer

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

A battery was telling me something...

“Im sorry, watt was that?”

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

Why did the German decide to throw out the square battery?

Because it has nein volts!

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I got angry when my phone battery died.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

I feel like a battery

because I am not included in anything :(

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

I just wanted to use the last 1% of my battery to tell you

The Zodiac Killer is Te

I have a small, hand-held battery tester for sale.

Batteries not included.

Do any of you want to buy a dead battery?

I’m not charging much for it.

What did the phone say to his friend before his battery ran out?

“Tell my wifilove her.”

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

What’s the fastest charging battery in the world?

Usain Volt

A man was caught stealing a used battery from a neighbour.

Police: Why did you commit the crime, sir?

Man: Oh, I heard it was free of charge.

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

Battery salesmen are the best.

They always have the most energy.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

A man attacked and stole a battery from a Muslim sovereign.

He was charged for a-sult-an' battery.

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

There are those who check their cellphone battery life at the end of a work day to see how much they goofed off..

And then there are those with cellphone chargers.

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