This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

A man was caught stealing a used battery from a neighbour.

Police: Why did you commit the crime, sir?

Man: Oh, I heard it was free of charge.

A man attacked and stole a battery from a Muslim sovereign.

He was charged for a-sult-an' battery.

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

Batman: Power is going down, Robin quickly give me a battery!

Robin: What’s a tery?

How is a 9 volt battery like an a**hole?

It may be wrong, but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on both of them.

What did the little battery yell when it stepped on a lego?

AAA

Did you hear about the battery salesman?

He charged too much but got positive reviews.

Battery salesmen are the best.

They always have the most energy.

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common?

You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it
anyway.

Do any of you want to buy a dead battery?

I’m not charging much for it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

While I was at work, someone hooked up a car battery to my front door.

As you can imagine, I was shocked.

I totally understand how battery's feel!

Because i'm never included in things either.

Did you hear about the lonely battery?

Poor guy was never included.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks

They charged one - and let the other off.

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

If you lose your fingers your girlfriend basically turns into a truck with no battery...

You can’t turn her on so she demands to be toed.

Why did the battery store go bankrupt?

Everything was free of charge.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

What’s the fastest charging battery in the world?

Usain Volt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a 9V battery and a womans asshole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but sooner or later, youre gonna stick your tongue in it.

Chris Brown is so good at Battery

Elon Musk just hired him for Tesla.

Long after the death of all humans, a group of aliens come to Earth.

The first thing they find? A Nokia phone still on half battery and in working condition.

Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery.

Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bra, a battery and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar ...

The bra goes to get the drinks but the barman refuses to serve them. The bra asks why. The barman says ".. you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".

The authorities caught the dying battery

He was not charged

I've invented a way of getting my motorbike going without a battery.

I'm going to do a kickstarter for it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

What's the difference between my Wife and a Battery?

The Battery has a Positive side

A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with murder.

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

What do iPhones use for battery?

Apple juice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

I get angry when my cellphone battery dies

My therapist suggested that I find an outlet.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

A battery and a light bulb were in a race. Who won?

None of them:
The light bulb was blown away from the short circuit and the battery gave up because it couldn't resist it either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a battery and an asshole have in common?

No matter how much we tell ourselves we won't, we end up licking them anyway

I feel like a battery

because I am not included in anything :(

It would suck to be a battery

You're either working or you're dead.

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.

​

"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."

​

"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the ...

A flat battery went to court

but there was no charge

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself,...