Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

What did the chip say to the battery?

I’m Frito Lay if you are Ever Ready.

A man was found electrocuted in a room with a car battery.

The battery was dead, so there were no charges.

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

What happens after your phone battery gives birth?

It delivers its percenta.

How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called?

Apple juice

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory.

He said it has pluses and minuses...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

I'm giving away my mobile phone, but the battery is dead.

That's right, free of charge!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a 9 volt battery and an ass hole.

You know you shouldn’t but you still want to put your tongue on it.

Why did the electric car go to court?

It was charged with battery

I need a battery

I walked into Battery World and asked for a specific battery.

The guy said “Is it for a clock?”

I said “I don’t know, that’s why I need a battery!!”

[nsfw] What did the amorous potato chip say to the battery?

If you're ever ready, I'm free ta lay.
(Everyready/Frito-Lay).

I have lived with this joke shrapnel for years and I thought I would share.

I just found out that the Energizer Bunny got arrested!

He was charged with battery.

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid.

Later he was charged.

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

A falling battery killed a man today.

**It was charged with murder.**

What did Andrew Cuomo's battery say to the female aide's chips

I'm Eveready if you're Frito Lay

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

What battery makes the best dessert?

Lithi - yums

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

What’s the difference between a battery and my wife?

The battery has a positive side

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

You know a phone battery is basically its mitochondria.

It’s the powerhouse of the cell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new batt...

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

Karen

Police arrested two Karens yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

I was arrested for battery

But my lawyer said I won’t have that charge for long.

Shamelessly copied joke....

Why does covid vaccine have 2 shots?




First is the microchip, second is the battery.

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

So told someone to eat a battery

I told someone to eat a battery for breakfast. They ask why. My reasoning it's a good Energizer

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

I plugged my phone into a power bank and now it has an arrest record...

it was charged with battery

A man had been feeling ill, so he went to his doctor.

The doctor ran a battery of tests, then came back into the examination room. "Sir, I'm sorry," he said, "but we've discovered you have a terminal illness."

"Oh God!" the man said. "How long do I have?!"

"Ten -- " the doctor said.

"Ten what?!" the man interrupted. "Years?! Mon...

How do you call a lion powered on battery?

A Li-ion.

Russian-made cars have only one plus

... on the battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has to fart in a bus..

He said oh shit I gotta fart! But i guess the people won't notice because the music is too loud. So I just gotta do it matching the rhythm of the sound..
He did it! After he's done,
the people clapped their hands and
his earphones alarmed battery low.

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

I have a small, hand-held battery tester for sale.

Batteries not included.

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

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