Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid...

He was later charged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9volt battery and a girls butthole have in common?

You know you shouldn’t, but eventually you’ll put your tongue on it.

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.



"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Pati...

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats does a 9 volt battery and girls butt hole have in common.

You arnt suppose to lick it but you do anyways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got angry when my phone battery died.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

You Guys Should Lick A Battery

The Results Will Shock You

I do not follow any order!

\+ Your cellphone battery is at 5%. Connect your charger.

\- Ok.

The hardware store was having a sale on batteries the other day.

If you bought a battery charger, they’d give you a battery, free of charge!

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

Whats the difference between a Wife and a Battery?

A Battery has a positive side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

What did the phone say to his friend before his battery ran out?

“Tell my wifilove her.”

What’s the best part about getting a toy from Bobby Brown?

Battery included

I am at the police station, they think that I might be a robot

They keep saying that I got charged with battery.

An old married couple are in church one Sunday

When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

I just wanted to use the last 1% of my battery to tell you

The Zodiac Killer is Te

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common?

You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it
anyway.

[Long]A man who owned a clock shop wanted to set a world record.

He found one: Most battery powered devices he’d at once. He decided to use his clocks. As he was holding more and more, a crowd started to gather. However the man hadn’t been paying his taxes on time. An IRS guy saw him on his way to collect the mans taxes. He asked the man to pay his taxes. The man...

Did you all hear about what's happening to the Energizer bunny?

He's being charged with battery.

What did the little battery yell when it stepped on a lego?

AAA

There are those who check their cellphone battery life at the end of a work day to see how much they goofed off..

And then there are those with cellphone chargers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've heard this one in English, German and Yiddish.

A tourist was walking through an ancient section of Prague and noticed that his wristwatch had died. It needed a new battery.

He noticed a small storefront with a clock in the window, and went in. An elderly Jewish gentleman in traditional Hasidic attire was sitting behind a small counter. ...

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it wont work.
So Robin goes to find batman to help him.
Robin explains to batman that the batmobile isn't working.
"Check the battery" says batman.
"Who is tery?" Robin says confused.

Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny?

Yeah, assault with a battery.

Apparently he just kept going on the guy.

I hear they're charging him.

A man was caught stealing a used battery from a neighbour.

Police: Why did you commit the crime, sir?

Man: Oh, I heard it was free of charge.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's asshole is like a 9-volt battery.

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it.

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

I love my new Apple Watch so much I only take it off when I shower

Which means I'm only able to charge it when I shower.

The battery has been dead for 3 weeks now.

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

Battery salesmen are the best.

They always have the most energy.

if apple had named battery acid

it would probably be called "apple juice"

Do any of you want to buy a dead battery?

I’m not charging much for it.

A man attacked and stole a battery from a Muslim sovereign.

He was charged for a-sult-an' battery.

I totally understand how battery's feel!

Because i'm never included in things either.

Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

My chemistry teacher threw sodium chloride and Lithium ions at me

That’s a salt and battery

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery.

Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.