Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

The mechanical engineer says:
“It’s a broken starter”

The electrical engineer says:
“Dead battery”

The chemical engineer says:
“Impurities in the gasoline”

The IT engineer says:
“Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in”

What did the Battery say on his Blind Date?

I have a lot of energy and I am a pretty positive guy. But I do have a negative side.

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called?

Apple juice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9-volt battery and an asshole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but eventually you put your tongue on it.

Why did the battery die?

Terminal illness.

What's the most Canadian Battery?

Triple Eh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

What did the chip say to the battery?

I’m Frito Lay if you are Ever Ready.

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

I need a battery

I walked into Battery World and asked for a specific battery.

The guy said “Is it for a clock?”

I said “I don’t know, that’s why I need a battery!!”

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

A man was found electrocuted, with only a car battery in the room.

Police are still looking for leads.

What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?

One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery



*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*

An elderly couple is in church.

The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?” The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

What happens after your phone battery gives birth?

It delivers its percenta.

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory.

He said it has pluses and minuses...

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I shoved a battery up my ass for an experiment

The results where shocking

A falling battery killed a man today.

**It was charged with murder.**

[nsfw] What did the amorous potato chip say to the battery?

If you're ever ready, I'm free ta lay.
(Everyready/Frito-Lay).

I have lived with this joke shrapnel for years and I thought I would share.

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid.

Later he was charged.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

What did Andrew Cuomo's battery say to the female aide's chips

I'm Eveready if you're Frito Lay

Did you know that when someone gets run over by a Tesla it isn't considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

They call it electric car battery!

What battery makes the best dessert?

Lithi - yums

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

Mr. And Mrs. Jones were on a safari

in the darkest part of Africa. They were walking cautiously through the jungle when suddenly a huge lion sprang out in front of them, seized Mrs. Jones in its jaws and started to drag her off into the bush. "Shoot!" She screamed to her husband, "shoot!" "I can't!", he yelled back "My phone battery j...

Four guys were driving in a car, an engineer, electrician, plumber and an IT guy

The car suddenly stops working.

The engineer suggest to check the belts, fluids etc...

The electrician suggest to check the battery and alternator...

The plumber suggest to check the fuel level, pump and filter...

Last, the IT guys says lets get out, lock the doors, unl...

Text abbreviations for seniors.

• ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

• CGU: Can't Get Up

• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

• GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHAO: Is My Hearing Aid On?

• LMDO: Laughing My ...

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

You know a phone battery is basically its mitochondria.

It’s the powerhouse of the cell

What kind of cancer does a battery get?

TERMINAL

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?

It was charged with battery.

I was arrested for battery

But my lawyer said I won’t have that charge for long.

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new batt...

So told someone to eat a battery

I told someone to eat a battery for breakfast. They ask why. My reasoning it's a good Energizer

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

How do you call a lion powered on battery?

A Li-ion.

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

Shamelessly copied joke....

Why does covid vaccine have 2 shots?




First is the microchip, second is the battery.

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

I have a small, hand-held battery tester for sale.

Batteries not included.

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

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