Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife?

A battery has a negative side

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a woman’s asshole and a 9-volt battery have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but you put your tongue on it anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called?

Apple juice

A man was found electrocuted, with only a car battery in the room.

Police are still looking for leads.

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

What happens if you throw a charged battery at someone?

You will get charged with battery.

I'm giving away my mobile phone, but the battery is dead.

That's right, free of charge!

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

I need a battery

I walked into Battery World and asked for a specific battery.

The guy said “Is it for a clock?”

I said “I don’t know, that’s why I need a battery!!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory.

He said it has pluses and minuses...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I shoved a battery up my ass for an experiment

The results where shocking

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

What battery makes the best dessert?

Lithi - yums

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start...

Karen

Police arrested two Karens yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

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NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

A falling battery killed a man today.

**It was charged with murder.**

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

A man had been feeling ill, so he went to his doctor.

The doctor ran a battery of tests, then came back into the examination room. "Sir, I'm sorry," he said, "but we've discovered you have a terminal illness."

"Oh God!" the man said. "How long do I have?!"

"Ten -- " the doctor said.

"Ten what?!" the man interrupted. "Years?! Mon...

One liner

If you hit a person with an electric car will you be charged for battery?

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

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A man has to fart in a bus..

He said oh shit I gotta fart! But i guess the people won't notice because the music is too loud. So I just gotta do it matching the rhythm of the sound..
He did it! After he's done,
the people clapped their hands and
his earphones alarmed battery low.

I was arrested for battery

But my lawyer said I won’t have that charge for long.

A local electrician was arrested and charged for battery, yesterday.

And spent the night in a dry cell.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

So told someone to eat a battery

I told someone to eat a battery for breakfast. They ask why. My reasoning it's a good Energizer

What happened to the old capacitor that killed the Energizer bunny?

It got charged with battery

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

How do you call a lion powered on battery?

A Li-ion.

The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime.

He was charged in connection with battery.

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long but worth it

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"...

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

I have a small, hand-held battery tester for sale.

Batteries not included.

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got angry when my phone battery died.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

Why did a Duracell rabbit went to jail?

It was charged with battery.

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

An old married couple is in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turns back to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

What did the phone say to his friend before his battery ran out?

“Tell my wifilove her.”

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