What did the little battery yell when it stepped on a lego?

AAA

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

Did you hear about the battery salesman?

He charged too much but got positive reviews.

if apple had named battery acid

it would probably be called "apple juice"

Battery salesmen are the best.

They always have the most energy.

Batman: Power is going down, Robin quickly give me a battery!

Robin: What’s a tery?

How is a 9 volt battery like an a**hole?

It may be wrong, but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on both of them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common?

You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it
anyway.

Do any of you want to buy a dead battery?

I’m not charging much for it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks

They charged one - and let the other off.

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

While I was at work, someone hooked up a car battery to my front door.

As you can imagine, I was shocked.

Did you hear about the lonely battery?

Poor guy was never included.

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

I totally understand how battery's feel!

Because i'm never included in things either.

Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

If you lose your fingers your girlfriend basically turns into a truck with no battery...

You can’t turn her on so she demands to be toed.

Why did the battery store go bankrupt?

Everything was free of charge.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a 9V battery and a womans asshole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but sooner or later, youre gonna stick your tongue in it.

Long after the death of all humans, a group of aliens come to Earth.

The first thing they find? A Nokia phone still on half battery and in working condition.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

I touched a large battery and got...

...incapacitated.

Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery.

Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

I've invented a way of getting my motorbike going without a battery.

I'm going to do a kickstarter for it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bra, a battery and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar ...

The bra goes to get the drinks but the barman refuses to serve them. The bra asks why. The barman says ".. you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".

What's the difference between my Wife and a Battery?

The Battery has a Positive side

A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with murder.

I get angry when my cellphone battery dies

My therapist suggested that I find an outlet.

A battery and a light bulb were in a race. Who won?

None of them:
The light bulb was blown away from the short circuit and the battery gave up because it couldn't resist it either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a battery and an asshole have in common?

No matter how much we tell ourselves we won't, we end up licking them anyway

I feel like a battery

because I am not included in anything :(

It would suck to be a battery

You're either working or you're dead.

A flat battery went to court

but there was no charge

I got arrested the other day for throwing a battery at my wife and hitting her favorite salt shaker instead

They charged me for a salt and battery.

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself,...

Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery?

So it would get charged with murder.

what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery?

Dura-Shell

What did the potato chip say to the battery?

If you're Ever-Ready I'm Frito-Lay!

Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery

Did you hear about the battery who deserted his unit in battle?

He was dishonorably discharged.

I'll show myself out now.