UPJOKE
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Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

What did the Battery say on his Blind Date?

I have a lot of energy and I am a pretty positive guy. But I do have a negative side.

A robot went on a crime spree in our neighbourhood right before it ran out of battery.

The cops are refusing to charge the perpetrator.

Robin turned and shouted, "The Batmobile won’t start!" Batman growled, "Check the battery!" Puzzled, Robin wondered...

"What’s a tery?"

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a butthole and a 9v battery have in common?

We know we shouldn’t put our tongue on it but we do it anyway. (rim shot…no pun intended)

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery

He charged one and let the other one off

How do you jump start a serial killer robot with a dead battery?

Charge it with murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, a car battery and a set of jump leads walk in to a pub.

The landlord looks at the bra and says, "I'm not serving any of you. You're off your tits and your friends look like they're about to start something",.

A Czech diplomat in Washington D.C. is obliged to take his annual physical exam.

He goes to a local doctor for a battery of tests. At the eye exam, the doctor asks him, “So, can you read the bottom line, Mr. Kratochvil?”
“Read it? I dated her in school!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called?

Apple juice

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah...

Four engineers get into a car.

Four engineers get into a car. the car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says :

"its a broken starter"

The electrical engineer :

"dead battery"

The chemical engineer:

"impurities in the gasoline"

The IT engineer:

"Hey guys , i have an idea h...

What do you have if you have NaCl and NiCd?

A salt and battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

Fitbit has recalled its Ionic smart watch, after finding out the battery can dangerously overheat

They admitted, this isn't what you're after when you're told to feel the burn.

What do women have in common with my phone battery percentage?

If it's below twenty then I won't put my hands on it.

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

What's the most Canadian Battery?

Triple Eh!

An elderly couple is sitting in a church.

The wife whispers to the husband, "I have let out one of those silent and deadly farts. What should I do?"

The husband replies, "Change the battery of your hearing aid".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I just made this joke up - be gentle

A small breasted woman was walking along the sidewalk in New York City on her lunch break, going to get something to eat. As she passed by a nearby constuction crew, they started cat-calling her.

Normally, she would just ignore them, but one guy in particular kept making fun of the fact that...

A man was found electrocuted, with only a car battery in the room.

Police are still looking for leads.

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

A falling battery killed a man today.

**It was charged with murder.**

Why did the battery die?

Terminal illness.

The checkup

Bob went to a clinic for a checkup.

The nurse asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

\- “In front of you?” He asks, shy.

The nurse says:

\- “Well no, but I’ve seen the human body before.

The man said,

\- “Not one l...

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I shoved a battery up my ass for an experiment

The results where shocking

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

The police took my phone

It was charged with battery

Optometrist

After several months of “gentle encouragement” from my partner, I finally went to see the eye doctor.

First she did a pressure test, blowing a puff of air into each eye and carefully observing my responses on a monitor.
Then she examined each eye with the little hand-held lights.

Th...

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

I threw a 9V Duracell at my wife during an argument

The police arrested me for battery

But they couldnt charge me

[nsfw] What did the amorous potato chip say to the battery?

If you're ever ready, I'm free ta lay.
(Everyready/Frito-Lay).

I have lived with this joke shrapnel for years and I thought I would share.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

You're a battery, Harry

I'm a watt?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a 9 volt battery and an ass hole.

You know you shouldn’t but you still want to put your tongue on it.

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

What happens after your phone battery gives birth?

It delivers its percenta.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

What battery makes the best dessert?

Lithi - yums

What did the chip say to the battery?

I’m Frito Lay if you are Ever Ready.

Did you hear about the portable, electric whisk which gave Timmy a black eye?

He was charged with battery

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

A local electrician was arrested and charged for battery, yesterday.

And spent the night in a dry cell.

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank.

Anyways, I was charged with battery.

I was arrested for battery

But my lawyer said I won’t have that charge for long.

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

If meat is murder…

is cake battery?

What did Andrew Cuomo's battery say to the female aide's chips

I'm Eveready if you're Frito Lay

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

Did you hear about the robot who assaulted someone?

Turns out he was charged with battery

So told someone to eat a battery

I told someone to eat a battery for breakfast. They ask why. My reasoning it's a good Energizer

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

Why was the Energizer Bunny thrown in jail?

Because he was charged with battery.

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