Whats the difference between a Wife and a Battery?

A Battery has a positive side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Car Battery and a Bra walk into a Bar...

Car Battery and a Bra, walk into a bar.
The Car battery asks the Barman “Two beers please mate for my partner and I”
The Barman looks at the Car Battery and Bra and refuses to serve them.
The car battery, looking confused asks why?
The Barman replies “ Because your friend is off her tit...

A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

A battery and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar.

Battery: three drinks now!

Bartender: I'm not severing you.

Battery: why not!

Bartender: because you and your mates look like you're about to start something.

I can relate well to a battery

Because I too am never included in anything

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

Robin: Hey Batman, the Batmobile won’t start!

Batman: Did you check the battery?

R: What’s a “tery”?

It's great when battery positive terminals are marked.

When it comes to helping identification, it's a big plus.

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My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

Did you hear about the firework and the battery who got in a fight the other night?

Apparently one was charged but the other one was let off..

A man was caught stealing a used battery from a neighbour.

Police: Why did you commit the crime, sir?

Man: Oh, I heard it was free of charge.

A man attacked and stole a battery from a Muslim sovereign.

He was charged for a-sult-an' battery.

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

How is a 9 volt battery like an a**hole?

It may be wrong, but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on both of them.

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What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common?

You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it
anyway.

What did the little battery yell when it stepped on a lego?

AAA

Battery salesmen are the best.

They always have the most energy.

if apple had named battery acid

it would probably be called "apple juice"

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

Do any of you want to buy a dead battery?

I’m not charging much for it.

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

While I was at work, someone hooked up a car battery to my front door.

As you can imagine, I was shocked.

I totally understand how battery's feel!

Because i'm never included in things either.

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

Did you hear about the lonely battery?

Poor guy was never included.

If you lose your fingers your girlfriend basically turns into a truck with no battery...

You can’t turn her on so she demands to be toed.

Why did the battery store go bankrupt?

Everything was free of charge.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

What’s the fastest charging battery in the world?

Usain Volt

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What do a 9V battery and a womans asshole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but sooner or later, youre gonna stick your tongue in it.

Chris Brown is so good at Battery

Elon Musk just hired him for Tesla.

Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery.

Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Long after the death of all humans, a group of aliens come to Earth.

The first thing they find? A Nokia phone still on half battery and in working condition.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

I've invented a way of getting my motorbike going without a battery.

I'm going to do a kickstarter for it.

A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with murder.

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

I get angry when my cellphone battery dies

My therapist suggested that I find an outlet.

A battery and a light bulb were in a race. Who won?

None of them:
The light bulb was blown away from the short circuit and the battery gave up because it couldn't resist it either.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

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What do a battery and an asshole have in common?

No matter how much we tell ourselves we won't, we end up licking them anyway

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