What battery makes the best dessert?

Lithi - yums

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a 9 volt battery and an ass hole.

You know you shouldn’t but you still want to put your tongue on it.

A man was arrested last night for drinking battery acid.

Later he was charged.

I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory.

He said it has pluses and minuses...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, a battery, and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar...

The battery and cables sit down at a table while the bra approaches the bartender.

Bra says, "Three pints, please."

Bartender replies, "I'm not serving you."

The bra asks why not.

Bartender answers, "Because you're clearly off your tits and your friends look like they're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I shoved a battery up my ass for an experiment

The results where shocking

A falling battery killed a man today.

**It was charged with murder.**

I need a battery

I walked into Battery World and asked for a specific battery.

The guy said “Is it for a clock?”

I said “I don’t know, that’s why I need a battery!!”

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

Just broke the leads to my new battery

Such a shame, it had so much potential

A local electrician was arrested and charged for battery, yesterday.

And spent the night in a dry cell.

What’s the difference between a battery and my wife?

The battery has a positive side

I was arrested for battery

But my lawyer said I won’t have that charge for long.

My wife left me just because I got her the wrong type of battery at the store

She wanted Triple A but all they had was domestic.

So told someone to eat a battery

I told someone to eat a battery for breakfast. They ask why. My reasoning it's a good Energizer

How do you call a lion powered on battery?

A Li-ion.

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Battery life on the iPhone

It spends so much time plugged into a wall it might as well be a fucking landline!

I once knew a guy who drank battery acid

The police charged him

Why did a Duracell rabbit went to jail?

It was charged with battery.

An old married couple is in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turns back to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

Newlyweds

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from w...

I have a small, hand-held battery tester for sale.

Batteries not included.

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

Why did the watchmaker put the watch in the microwave?

Because the time had frozen.

Why did the watchmaker punch the watch?

Because someone said it needed a battery.

Never made up a joke before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the awful news? The energizer bunny died of sexual malfunction.

Someone put the battery in backwards and he just kept coming and coming and coming and coming.

Why did the Duracell CEO go to prison?

For battery.

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

Why can't the portable charger see his kids?

Because he has a battery charge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

They call me the battery

Because I’m charged with 17 accounts of murder, 67 accounts of kidnapping and 326 accounts of aggravated and first degree arson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got angry when my phone battery died.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

You Guys Should Lick A Battery

The Results Will Shock You

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo momma so stupid

she stuck a battery up her ass and said, "I GOT THE POWER!"

Whats the difference between assault and battery?

My phone cann’t run out of assault.

The hardware store was having a sale on batteries the other day.

If you bought a battery charger, they’d give you a battery, free of charge!

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

What did the phone say to his friend before his battery ran out?

“Tell my wifilove her.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to a doctor...

A husband is convinced by his wife to go to the doctor after he starts having performance issues in the bedroom. The wife drops the husband off at the doctor's office since they were informed that the tests would take awhile to receive back the results. After the battery of questions and tests, th...

What crime was the Energiser Bunny guilty of?

Battery

I just wanted to use the last 1% of my battery to tell you

The Zodiac Killer is Te

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

I had some trouble with my car. I took it to the garage. The mechanic said “You have a flat battery”. ...

I said “Oh. What shape should it be?”

What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.