A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp

A cop

A Roman soldier sits down at a bar, holds up 2 fingers to the bartender and says...

“Five beers please.”

An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”

The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”

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My grandpa is a WWII veteran, he blew up several thousand Nazi soldiers

He was the worst gunner Die Panzerdivision ever had

A jewish girl in a concentration camp was in love with a germain soldier.

One day, she runs up to him to confess her feelings.

Unfortunately, he shot her down.

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Three soldiers come back home from a gruesome battle in Afganistan

The army tells them “You will be given the highest decorations, and you will also receive ANYTHING you wish for”

The first soldier says “ I want 2 Million dollars” and it’s done

The second one goes “Damn, these guys aren’t fucking around huh...I want 5 Million” and gets them

The...

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A soldier heading home from the frontlines gets on a train

The soldier walks the length of the crowded train searching for a seat. He stops by a rich woman who has her dog sitting next to her.

The soldier speaks in a calm , tired voice, "Ma'am, can you move your dog so I can sit down?"


Offended and speaking in a high and mighty tone of vo...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

An officer asks a soldier...

Officer: Soldier, do you've change for a dollar?

Soldier: sure buddy!

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you've change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

What do you call when two soldiers with both upper limbs lost and are still fighting one another?

An unarmed conflict

A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner

And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

A General noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from t...

A captain enhances his soldiers' spirit before going to battle

He asks Ryan first

\- What is America, you?

\- It is my mother, and I love it more than anything.

\- What would you do for her?

\- I would sacrifice myself, if necessary.

Pleased, he asks Forrest

\- And you, do you love America, soldier?

\- Yes, but ...

A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.

“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scare and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realized I’d run that far back.”

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There's some soldiers in Vietnam.And they've been pinned down in their trench for days.

Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes.When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back."

So they lay down fire, and he runs off into the jungle.

But he's gone for a good half an hou...

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A 90 year old Nazi soldier told me this joke

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonn...

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy?

Because he was a veteran Aryan

Russian Soldiers (long)

Two Russian comrades are having vodka after training a new set of soldiers. The first Russian asks the second "How goes training your new soldier, comrade?"


"Well, I tasked him to eliminate 50 oppressors of liberty with his rifle yesterday. He returned, bayonet bloody, but only manage...

Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers."

The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers."
...

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier

But it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.

A banker, librarian and a soldier get on a plane...

After a while the banker drops a typewriter from the plane: meanwhile a little boy is walking down the sidewalk, he finds a little girl crying. He asks her "Why are you crying?" "A typewriter hit my head!" she replies. The boy carries on with his day. A little later the librarian drops a book. The b...

Why are all french soldiers bald?

Their hairline only knows retreating.

What's the difference between a French soldier and a piece of toast?

You can make a soldier out of a piece of toast.

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

What do you do if a polish soldier throws a grenade at you.

Pull the pin and throw it back

A soldier got injured in a gun fight...

... and kept screaming "medic". The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "medic". The medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and the soldier kept saying "medic". After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist, he realized that the soldier wasn'...

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What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common?

When they get discovered, their career blows up.

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

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Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy.

After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door.

Disgusted, he called out “Didn’t they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?”

The Army soldier replied “No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers.”

What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier?

Suture self.

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

Tin Soldiers

I once had a box of tin soldiers,

I’d often take them to bed,

I’d get bored of Generals and Colonels

And play with my Private’s instead

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

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Hitler's Game

During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she fa...

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare

Three soldiers are about to be executed near a forest.

The first soldier goes to stand in front of the firing squad. The firing squad load their shotguns, but before they can shoot, the first soldier scream: "Tornado!"

The firing squad quickly turns around to look, but there is no tornado. The soldier had tricked them, and has now escaped into th...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

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Russian soldier

The US and Russia have gone to war.  Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as,a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad. 1st...

What do you call a soldier who lives in a toilet?

A loo tenant

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Three Nazi soldier walk into a BAR

Needless to say, it didn't end well for them

What do you call an undead soldier that fights for Social Justice?

A Wight Knight

An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation...

US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"

Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"

US soldier : - "Madiq who?"

Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

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What does a soldier say to a prostitute after having sex with her?

Thank you for your cervix.

A soldier walks in on his wife cheating

"Get out of my house!" the soldier yelled at the man.

As he was leaving the man turned and said, "thank you for your cervix".

What do you call autistic soldiers?

Special forces

Two soldiers sat around a campfire, in a heavily besieged city.

The younger soldier said to the older soldier: "I am too young to die, I don't even know what the taste of a woman is like. Can you share your wife with me?"

The older soldier kept stirring a large cooking pot and replied: "Hold your horses, she is not even fully cooked yet."

What do you call it when a soldier has to go undercover dressed as a woman?

A Transmission

What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq?

They sit and Kuwait.

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

Why don't you see French soldiers on the battlefield?

Premature evacuation.

What's a soldier's favorite type of sushi?

A combat roll

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

The soldier.

Little Johnny became a soldier. He got a big knife, an AR 15 and a few hand grenades. He felt pretty good as he had also gotten pretty strong so he decided to go show off to his grandpa.

He gets there and sees his grandpa so he goes:

-Hi grandpa. Look at me, I became a soldier!
...

A roman soldier comes back home from work

Wife: so how'd the crucifixion think go

Soldier: nailed it

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

What does burnt breads, soldiers dying, and pregnant women have in common!

Pulling out too late.

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What's the best thing to say to a female soldier after sex? [Possibly NSFW]

"Thank you for your cervix."

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

Briti...

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

An American soldier captured an Australian soldier in US soil

The American soldier asked

“Did you come here to die?!”

The Australian responded

“No Sir! I came here yesterday!”

How do you make 490 Roman soldiers laugh?

XD

Being genetically engineered, evaluated, selected, and trained from birth to be a super-soldier...

before being deployed to a fight a technologically inferior foe in a far-off country to secure economic gains for your overseers, then being either left to die or executed for convenience, is either the plot of a dark and kickass dystopian fiction novel, or a technically accurate description of the ...

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

Why did the soldier and the terrorist go on a date?

Because, the soldier was ordered to take him out

What do you call a happy Roman soldier with a hair stuck in his teeth?

A "Glad he ate her"

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

Two soldiers are sitting in a tank

One tells to the other: "GLUB GLUB BLUH GLUB GLUH BLUB"

The other drowns

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Three old military vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

Three vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories…

The army ranger pipes up first, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the rang...

How do you tell how good a Soviet soldier can shoot?

...his marxmanship.

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Two Roman Soldiers are standing guard...

In an attempt to make conversation, guard 1 makes a suggestion:

1: What if we had a word to describe people who haven’t had sex? What would it be?

2: Why would you think that!? It’s an arbitrary category and could make people uncomfortable. Think about their self esteem!

1: Calm...

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WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

Where did 2021 soldiers learn to shoot?

In school!

Emperor: How many soldiers do we have for my secret mission?

Servant: 476 my Emperor

Emperor: Good, round them up

Servant: 500 my Emperor

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

The Rusky and the Kraut

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (a...

What did Confederate soldiers used to eat off of?

Civil wear.

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[NSFW] a soldier was home from tour and was naked in bed with his wife

As they talked it was obvious the mood was moving towards sex. So the soldier gets out of bed and stands at the side of the bed. He says to his wife "I learned this really neat trick. Do you want to see it?"

The wife replies "of course!" So the soldier looks down at his penis and says in a gr...

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In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"

Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat?

The soldier knew what he signed up for.

A king fighting along side his army...

'How many of them are there?' asked the king from his captains
'About twenty thousand of them, my lord' said the captain.
'Fine, hand my my red cape then'.

The captain confused asked 'Why the red cape my lord?'
'So If I get wounded in battle the men will not see me bleed and th...

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

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