What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

What do you call autistic soldiers?

Special forces

A soldier ran up to a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt an...

I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"

Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] a soldier was home from tour and was naked in bed with his wife

As they talked it was obvious the mood was moving towards sex. So the soldier gets out of bed and stands at the side of the bed. He says to his wife "I learned this really neat trick. Do you want to see it?"

The wife replies "of course!" So the soldier looks down at his penis and says in a gr...

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

How do you tell how good a Soviet soldier can shoot?

...his marxmanship.

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

Why was the baker the best soldier in the army?

Cuz he went in buns blazing

Two soldiers are sitting in a tank

One tells to the other: "GLUB GLUB BLUH GLUB GLUH BLUB"

The other drowns

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

Emperor: How many soldiers do we have for my secret mission?

Servant: 476 my Emperor

Emperor: Good, round them up

Servant: 500 my Emperor

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base,the Drill Seargent says,"All right,all of you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away,one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Seargeant walked over to him until he was eye to eye with him,and then raised an eyebrow.The soldier smiled and said,"Sure was a lot of 'em,huh,Sir?"

British Soldiers in WW2 are Looking for German Spies in London.

Near Downing Street they stop a beautiful tall blonde women, carrying a large Bottle labeled "D2O" and ask her:

"Terribly Sorry to bother you my Dear, but we are looking for German Spies. Have you seen any?"

The Womens expression changed displaying the tell tell signs of Terror and Fea...

What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?

A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.

What would Roman soldiers rest their heads on when they slept?

The same thing they used to carry their javelins: a pila case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW2 - A german, a japanese and an italian soldier get captured by the Soviets

They are to be interrogated for information by Soviet Intelligence.

The Intelligence officer tells them:

I will take you one by one into the next room and torture you until you are telling me what I want to know.

He starts with the German, takes him from the group cell into the ...

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

A Roman soldier walks into a bar

He sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“

Soldi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a Retired Plumber and a Battle Hardened Soldier have in common?

You don't know what shit they've been through.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War. Soldiers are sitting in a trench

They decide to send one guy to check surroundings. One hour later, he comes. He is all sweaty and tired like he has run 3 miles. Everyone asks him about what happened. He says
'You won't believe guys. I've met a nurse out there and we've had stunning sex. I've done almost everything to her'
...

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

Did you hear about that soldier with an STD?

He had a dishonourable discharge

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

Jesus knew that when you are kind to people, people are kind to you. So he said: "May I hand you a nail?" and the Roman soldier replied

"May I nail you a hand?"

A swedish reporter traveled to Finland during WW2 to interview a finnish soldier...

Once in Finland, he found a soldier sitting outside some tents.
The reporter sat down beside the man and asked:
”Can you tell me how you feel about beeing a finnish soldier?”

Well, the soldier said, as a finnish soldier you have two alternatives.
Either you live or you die.
If you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi soldier who decides to devote himself to animals?

A VeteranAryan

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car

Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls it up into a ball and rubs it against the car handle.

Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.

"That was amazing! How did you do that?" The woman asks.

"Well, i...

Did you hear about the Farmer who was abroad for a long period of time as an enlisted soldier?

His wife sent him a John Deere letter.

A bunch of soldiers were suddenly under fire by ISIS troops

Officer: Men! FIRE AT WILL!

Will: What did I do?

Soldier's letter to his grandma

A letter arrives with a hand grenade in it,it says: Granny, pull this pin so I can get two weeks leave,love you.

A group of Egyptian soldier were beaten by Stone Age tribesmen after abandoning their steel tipped spears

Oh the iron-y

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

Me: But Mr. Ghost how did I hit you? Surely you're non-corporeal.

Ghost: That's Lance-corporeal to you private.

What does the Italian soldier say to the gardener that just ruined his lawn?

Its Apache

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.

“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.

The bitten soldier says “listen...

What does the Australian army soldier say when the American army leader says, “did you come here to die!”

He said, “Nah mate, came ere yesterdie”

What should you do after you sleep with a female soldier?

Salute her and say, “thank you for your cervix!”

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

A soldier came home from Afghanistan

When he sees his son, he started to talk about his war stories.
“I killed 40men in Afghanistan, son.” He said.
The kid replied, “But you’re an army chef, dad!”
“But I never said I’m good at my job, did I.”

Why did the soldier run when the blond threw a pin at him?

She had a grenade in her mouth

Roman soldiers are trained...

...But Vikings are Bjorn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Nazi soldier who became an animal doctor?

He was a veteran Aryan

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.

Why do women make better soldiers than men?

They could bleed for a week and not die.

What's the difference between an American soldier and a Muslim?

Conservatives spend a lot of money getting the Muslims out of the streets.

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
...

Did you hear about a soldier who had his body painted?

He's now a decorated veteran.

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat?

The soldier knew what he signed up for.

What's the difference between a soldier and a comedian?

If the comedian bombs his set, at least he still gets to walk away.

Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

Why don't soldiers wear yellow and pink?

They'd get too much flak for it.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I j...

A new officer is being shown around his office when a younger soldier comes in.

Wanting to show off he picks up the phone and says”of course sir I will take it to the president at once”

The soldier is seemingly impressed so the officer continues.

“ wait the president wants to congratulate me, it is true I did save those soldiers back in war”

He continues th...

An American soldier

is fighting in Germany in World War II. The battle is so intense, men are dropping everywhere. Finally, the Americans run out of ammunition. In a panic, a soldier approaches his Sergeant. "Sarge, we're out of ammo! What are we going to do?" The Sergeant looks around, and all he can find is a broom. ...

Two old soldiers are reflecting during a visit to the town where they grew up.

The first soldier had had both arms amputated at the elbow following after the war, and the second both legs at the knee.

After a while of gazing upon old buildings and storefronts, the men come across a statue in the town park; the statue shows signs of age and neglect.

The second rem...

A soldier and a citizen are sharing a cigarette in soviet Moscow one evening when they see a man hurrying down the street...

"Hey! You there! Stop, comrade!" says the soldier.

The man continues to rush down the street, nearly at a full run.

"I said STOP!" shouts the soldier as he shoulders his rifle.

The man continues his rush down the street as a crack thunders through the air and the man falls to t...

Solider 1: Don’t die on me, you hear me!? Soldier 2: I’ve been lung shot. This is the end for me. Tell my wife I love her...

...sister

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

German soldiers are chasing two partisans

And the two partisans hide in the water well.

The German soldiers approach the well and one soldier looks down in the well and says "I can't see anything"...the echo comes back "I can't see anything".

Then the second German soldier looks down in the well and says "Maybe they hide in th...

Why were the wives of World War 2 soldiers happy to see them?

Because the wives wanted to have their own D-day.

Did you hear about the soldier who got fired?

His superiors had a hard time finding a man of similar caliber.

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his ...

what do you call a group of baby soldiers?

INFANTry

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

Why do people talk about stepping on legos and not toy soldiers?

It's rude to dishonor a veteran

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

A soldier, a ninja, and a cowboy

Are flying over a city in a helicopter getting ready to land after a long battle, all three are sitting in silence until the ninja pulls out a throwing star and tosses it out of the chopper.

The soldier looks at him funny and asks why he did that. The ninja replies, "it is a time honored tra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.