UPJOKE
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After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

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What happened to the Navy soldier who got caught masturbating?

He was dishonourably discharged for discharging dishonourably.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

Russian soldier is walking in only one shoe. Somebody asks: Did you lost one?

No, I've found one

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A soldier is running from the military police.

Just in time he sees a Nun and asks if he can hide under her dress explaining that he doesn’t want to get sent to Afghanistan. She agrees and he is able to outwit the MP. When he crawls out he says “you have a really nice pair of legs sister.” The Nun says, “yeah and if you had looked up, you’d hav...

A Scottish soldier goes to the US for special military training...

The next day morning he goes to the platoon and after looking at him the officer asks him:

\- Private, did you come here to die?

To which he responds:

\- No sir, I came here yesterday.

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks?

Ctrl-

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran o...

What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry

What do you get when you cross a Roman Soldier?

A crucifixion.

A soldier stepped on a land mine in a field

He should’ve been more mineful of his step.

Two soldiers in a forest

Two soldiers are patrolling a forest, suddenly one of them collapses to the ground and the other begins to panic.

He picks up his walkie talkie and contacts his captain, he says "I need help! my partner collapsed to the ground and isn't moving, I think he's dead!"

The Captain responds:...

Did you hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

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A soldier was transferred to a fort far out west ...

After a grueling train journey from Kentucky, the soldier finally arrived in a small, dusty town in the middle of nowhere. He was met by a stage coach that had been procured to bring him to his new post at the fort 10 miles out of town. When he finally arrived, the sergeant greeted him and started g...

I heard the Russians are serving their soldiers complex dishes to eat

The plates are real. But the food is imaginary.

Sorry, horrible math joke.

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What did the soldier say when he realized he had to poop?

“Well, duty calls.”

My grandfather gave me the Luger pistol he took from a German soldier he shot

I had no idea that at his advanced age, he was shooting people in foreign countries and smuggling weapons.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet

They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.



The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"



to which the navy man replies: "In ...

3 soldiers get captured

Three soldiers get ambushed on patrol and get taken prisoner. The enemy decides they will be shown no mercy, and that they will be executed by firing squad immediately.

The three men start thinking of how they can escape.

The first man is stood before the firing squad as he yells “loo...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

What does a soldier returning from war, and a boy with a bicycle have in common?

They say "Look ma, No hands!"

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...

When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Ai...

Some soldiers were chasing some terrorists!

Some soldiers were chasing some terrorists,

The terrorists run away and come across a large meadow with a well in the middle and, a forest at the end. They decided to hide in the well.

When the soldiers came by, they started discussing where the terrorists could have escaped, one thoug...

A journalist asks a Russian soldier

- ‘How is life in Russia?’

- ‘I can’t complain’ said the soldier

Putin was Giving a Speech to his Soldiers

When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Putin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?...".

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them ...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

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3 British soldiers were on a safari trip and got captured by a tribe deep in the jungle.

Once they were brought before the tribe leader, he told them:

“I will give you a chance to leave this jungle alive. You each must find 5 of the same fruit in this place and bring it before me to earn your freedom.”

The soldiers thought this was an amazing deal and all went on their way...

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

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A merchant gets taken advantage of by two soldiers. (Long)

A merchant is on a journey to a neighboring kingdom to sell his wares. The king is known for wearing exquisite robes, so he has prepared his finest silk. He soon arrives at the city outskirts, but is stopped by the town guard.

“Halt! What business do you have, traveler?”

“I am here to ...

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

A lawyer, comedian, and a soldier walk into a bar

Zelensky is his name

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

A north Keoran soldier defected to the south….

When he was being debriefed he was asked why he decided to defect.

The soldier simply said that he fancied a change of Korea

A German soldier walks into a BAR…

He is immediately shredded by multiple rounds of .30-06

Sometime in the middle ages, a duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival

So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap".

The captain of...

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Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

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A President, an Actor and a Soldier try to go in to a bar

But his balls were too big to fit through the double doors.

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

An American soldier was talking to a Russian soldier.

The American says,

"The great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Biden and say, 'Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!' "

The Russian soldier responds,...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

You’re Up Next Soldier

While posted to Germany in 1987 I was a Cpl in the Canadian Army. I had been selected to attend a Combat Leadership Course.
One of the first things we were required to do was stand in front of our peers in a classroom and give a brief blurb on ourselves.
The course Warrant Officer said “Righ...

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A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

What do you call a russian soldier gone rogue

A WOLrus

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Russian soldier is standing naked in the shower looking at his watch furiously pressing the buttons

His comrade hears the beeping and comes to see what's up,

"What are you doing there naked blyat? There is no water in the building."

"Yesterday I looted this watch. There is English writing on it and I didn't know what it meant so I asked the commander."

"So?"

"He said ᵂ ...

Why did the Russian soldier cross the river?

He didn't, but he was dying to try..

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

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What did the American soldier say after killing Nazis?

Look ma no hans

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Did you hear about the soldier that impressed his CO by making a bugle entirely out of scrap iron?

The CO liked it so much declared the next day Ferrous Bugler's Day Off.

How to recognize a Russian soldier?

By the bag of stolen goods.

A Roman Soldier Walks into a Bar.

He says to the bartender "give me a martinus."

The bartender looks at him for a moment. "Do you mean a martini?"

"If I wanted more than one, I would have said so."

An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

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A soldier gets his penis blown off in jungle combat and is sent to the closest field hospital

The doctor at the field hospital says sorry son your penis is completely blown off, there is nothing I can do.. well there is something but it would be completely experimental.
The next morning the soldier wakes up and slowly lifts the sheets only to see a baby elephant trunk had been sewn on whe...

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, ...

A soldier asked his CO for compassionate leave saying his wife was going to have a baby.

When the soldier returned from leave, his CO asked him, "Well, was it a boy or a girl?"

"Sir!", the soldier replied. "It takes months!"

Four people were riding in a compartment on a train in Crimea..

... an old old lady, a beautiful young woman, a Ukrainian man, and a Russian soldier. The train enters a tunnel and it's suddenly pitch dark. Nobody can see a thing. There is a sound of a kiss, a sound of a slap, and when the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is nursing a painful red slap ...

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?

He was a decorated veteran.

Where do mediaeval soldiers hang out when they're off duty?

At the knight club

Did you hear of the Ukrainian soldier who didn’t want to fight, but, when called upon to do so, defended the lives of his wife’s mom, her dad, her sister, her two brothers, her nieces and her nephews, and others who hadn’t been born yet - all with the help of a shoulder-fired missile?

He loves his NLAWs.

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A wounded soldier takes viagra by accident after thinking the pills were pain killers

He got battle-hardened by that experience

Old army joke from Romania(Ukraine's neighbor) about Russian soldiers

This joke was left to me by my grandfather who fought in a couple of wars before he passed away and it's in regard to statues of Russian soldiers in the old USSR.



Russian soldiers,

why did they put you

up there?

Because you lied to the people,

or because y...

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What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....

A fibbin' Nazi sequence

Why do soldiers need to ask every time if they are allowed into battle?

It's permission

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

How do you get a Russian soldier to retreat faster?

Give him a full tank of gas

A man is dragged in front of Putin by a soldier

Putin asks the solider "What did he do?"

The soldier answered that the man went into Moscow square and shouted that he didn't like the stupid halfwit leader who caused war to break out, let his army get defeated with expensive military equipment being captured by a bunch of peasants, destroye...

Ukrainian soldier is chasing a platoon of Russian troops through some woods

After a while one Russians says: "Hang on! There's 20 of us and only one of him. Why are we running from him?" And platoon leader silences him "Keep quiet! We don't know which one of us he's chasing."

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A young boy asks an old man about his time as a soldier

“It was difficult”, the old man says, “especially difficult when they captured our whole squad.”

“What happened then?”, the boy asks.

The old man says: “Well, they took us to a POW camp, and told us we could choose, either get fucked in the ass or get shot dead.”

The boy asks: “...

What do you say to a retired soldier that's being chased by a dog?

"You veteran."

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

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So a Russian soldiers goes to a fortune-teller in a captured city...

The fortune teller asks him what he'd like to know about. He thinks for a moment, and says:

—Can you tell me, on which day will Putin die?
—Of course! *shuffles cards* I can see it... *lays cards on the table* I can see it quite clearly... Putin will die on a major Ukrainian holiday. ...

According to finnish sources there are tens of thousands of Russian soldiers at their border.

The only issue is that they’re buried six feet deep.

The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

The sergeant growled at the young soldier 'I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!'

'Thank you very much, sir' replied the young soldier

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped o...

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

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American, Russian and Serbian presidents argue about who has a more loyal and devout soldier

(Explanation for non-Balkan people: Serbs are known to be very stubborn, and sometimes refuse to do what you demand them to do or they do the opposite, just "because")



Biden says: "I'll show you the pride of the USA military. John, come here!"



A soldier arrives, salute...

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

A young soldier from Texas was sent to battle….

A young soldier from Texas was sent to battle. Not being the brightest in class, a recruiter noticed he was tough and had heart so off he went to war right after high school.

While in service, he again was not known to be the brightest but earned many accolades and by the end of the war he w...

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

What happens when a soldier gets high?

He's fighting a war on drugs.

Little John wonders...

Little John, 8 years old, looks down his pants and asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does my soldier weigh?'. His dad, a medical docter replies: 'about 150 grams I think.'

A bit later, John asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does your soldier weigh?'. He replies: 'hmm, must be 350 grams I think.'
...

Why does slain Russian soldiers not turn into ghosts

It is against the law to be trans-parent

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge...

A Russian soldier and an american soldier are drinking at a bar

The Russian says "I'm impressed by american propaganda. It's so subtle but effective."

The american responds "What are you talking about, we don't do propaganda."

3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

What did the American soldier say to the Viet Cong soldier when they met after the war ?

Let Saigon's be bygones

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

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What is the differnce between an afghan Soldier and a Woman ?

The Woman has the balls to oppose the Taliban.

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

Soldier!

- Yes, Sir?
- I didn’t see you at camouflage training today!
- Thank you, Sir!

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Three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.

The first general calls up a private from his army and tells him: "Climb that building and leap down from the roof!". With a "Yes sir!", the soldier climbed the building, leapt off and crashed violently on the concrete floor. The second general called up a private from his army and orders him: "Put ...

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

Why did the German soldier help the cat?

Because he was a veteran Aryan

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

I was born in 1944. My father was some soldiers.

My mother had a platoonic relationship.

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

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A Newly wed young man gets enrolled in the army

Upon arrival at the border, he goes silent and depressed as he hasn't even gone through his honeymoon phase. He doesn't participate in any group conversations nor he has any friends there. Things get too gloomy for him.
Upon noticing this, his fellow soldiers in attempt to cheer him up ask him t...

What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat?

The soldier knew what he signed up for.

An Aussie in the trenches

An Australian soldier is sent to the front lines in France during World War 1 and the gruff American general meets him saying “alright private this is the roughest spot in Europe now. Did you come here to die?! The Aussie says “Naw mate I came yes to die”

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.



One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

The manager hired a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw t...

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

A couple Roman soldiers walk into a bar.

The buddies order drinks and start chatting.

John: I heard somewhere your name is actually Kevin? But I know you as Ken?

Ken: That is correct.

John: How does one get Ken from Kevin?

Ken: Easy, I'm not six anymore.

How do you stop a russian tank from advancing?

Shoot the soldier pushing it.

I got speaking to a soldier the other day

I was interested in his story so I asked him what his rank was but apparently it's a secret; he said it was Private.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport

During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?”

He answered, “No, just visiting”

Why do soldiers carry Zippos instead of matches?

Because they are lighter.

A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...

The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."

The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"

The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is s...

Why do soldiers have to wear such fancy uniforms?

Because they don’t allow civilian casual tees!

As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

Two Roman Soldiers

2 Roman Soldiers are guarding an outpost, and begin bragging about their luck with women. The first soldier says to the other: "Dude, you wouldn't believe how many ladies I've gotten with just this month?

2nd soldier: "Mmm?"

1st soldier: "ok, well not *that* many."

An army general needs some change

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink. He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, "Do you have any spare change?" The soldier replies, "Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters," and digs into his pocket.

The general narrow...

What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp

A cop

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