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Attacking Jokes

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now ...

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

What was Mara being when he was attacking Siddhartha under the Bodhi tree?

A Buddhapest

Why did the shark eat a pineapple before attacking the sailor?

Pineapple makes seamen taste better

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

I've just struggled for ages trying to think of a pun worthy of attacking someone over.

Anyone else want to take a stab at a punchline?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!
He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report
"LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM DOG"

Man says i'm not American
Report changed
"Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"

Man says:
Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News:
"Terrorist killed ...

As the alien onslaught continued, linguists were working furiously to translate the only message they’d received in response to our plea to understand why they were attacking.

The President was in his bunker trying to figure out where the first contact went wrong. He told his aide, “They landed and I went up to the leader and greeted him in peace. They immediately ran back back to their ship, and started their assault.”

Just then, the lead linguist ran into the r...

Why does Kim Jong-un keep attacking South Korea?

Because he doesn't have Seoul?

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

Music artists need stop attacking people for no reason

They producing the wrong hits.

A giant fly is attacking New York, but don't worry...

The SWAT team is on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking a walk this afternoon when, out of nowhere, the pavement started viciously attacking me.

Fucking psycho path

Vegans need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits....

The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New Year's.

Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from 10.

Apparently Germany isn't taking part in attacking Syria.

A world war without germany feels a bit empty.

How do you stop clowns from attacking you?

Go for the juggler

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?

The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character?

The Adhomineminal Snowman

Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault

His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

Why did the 100 legged bug spin around in circles before attacking its prey?

To gain centipedal force

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