I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

Have you heard the undead are attacking people?

Yeah we’re in grave danger

Apparently Germany isn't taking part in attacking Syria.

A world war without germany feels a bit empty.

People want to help hippos and conserve them, while others dislike hippos for attacking humans.

Why are people so hippo-critical?

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

A woman was charged with attacking her husband with guitairs...

The judge asked "first offender?"
She replied, "No, first I used a Gibson, then I hit him with a Fender"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was talking a walk this afternoon when, out of nowhere, the pavement started viciously attacking me.

Fucking psycho path

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

This just in, giant fly attacking the city

The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation

Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New Year's.

Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from 10.

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!
He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report
"LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM DOG"

Man says i'm not American
Report changed
"Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"

Man says:
Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News:
"Terrorist killed ...

Why did the 100 legged bug spin around in circles before attacking its prey?

To gain centipedal force

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character?

The Adhomineminal Snowman

If a tiger was attacking your wife and mother in law at the same time and you could save one, who would it be?

The tiger of course. There are only a few left 🐯

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now ...

If an illegal immigrant was attacking a priest

Would that make it Alien vs. Predator?

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

How do you stop clowns from attacking you?

Go for the juggler

My dog is attacking a tree.

"Bark, bark, bark , bark."

Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault

His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.

The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”

the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists

EDIT: Almost 4 years on Reddit and I´m finally a faget! Yay!!
EDIT2: Wow, thanks u/lordzxil for the gold!

Two people are on death row.

One says to the other, "Hey man, what did you do that people thought was bad enough to be executed?"

The other man responds, "killed and raped 7 young girls at a slumber party. What did you do?"

The first guy responds, "Its a long story,"

The second man says "well, I have time"<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.

It wasn't long before it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plan...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

So I got a phone call from the post office today...

...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Chinese man and a Jew are talking

The Jew says "I still haven't forgiven your people for attacking Pearl Harbor."

To which the Chinese man replies, "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese you idiot!"

The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

Then the Chinese man says "You know, I haven't forgiven your...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnnie and Uncle Ron's morals.

Little Johnnie was in his 4th grade class one day when his teacher gave them an assignment.

"Okay kids, tonight you have a homework assignment, go home and ask your families to tell you a story that has a moral", the teacher said.

The next day little Johnnie is sitting in class when he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not allowed to play D&D anymore

Funny, but not a joke, this really happened.

So when I realized you could do ANYTHING, I used all of my turns (while my team was fighting a dragon) to try to pickpocket our strongest member's sword. Eventually I got a crit and "took the sword without him noticing" so he had no choice but to ...

The two villages were troubled.

They were constantly being forced to search for other places to fish in the river. There was a massive bear that paraded the shores on both sides and this made fishing difficult for both villages that lie on opposite sides of the river.

Earlier there used to be a small pack of wolves that pa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The last joke my grandma told me

Note: My grandmother used to call me up once a week and tell me the latest joke that she had picked up from who knows where. She passed away earlier this year and I cannot begin to say how much I miss her jokes. This one was the last one that she ever told me. It wasn't the funniest by itself bu...

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York’s Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: “You’re a hero. Tonight’s TV news bulletin will say: ‘Brave New Yorker Saves Child.”

The man replies: “I’m a tourist from Saudi A...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Clown Joke

**Preface** - *I did not write this joke, but it has been my favorite for twenty years and remains the only long joke that I ever bother reciting irl. I hope you enjoy it:).*

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Talking Dog for Sale

A man was driving down a road and came across a sign in front of a house reading "Talking Dog for Sale." Out of curiosity he stops at the house and knocks on the door. An old man answers. The man asks, "I saw your sign saying that you have talking dog for sale." The old man replies, "I do. You ...

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stood before the Pearly Gates and St Peter says "Heaven is getting a bit full, so I need to make sure only truly good people get in. What's the noblest thing you've done in your life?". The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I was driving along the road and I saw a bunch of bikers attacki...

Donald Trump in a submarine

Soldier " Sir! The enemy is attacking, we're under fire!"

Trump "relax soldier... We're under water..."

Chinese and Russian soldier

By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a pa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Brewster the Rooster

Saw a post today about a kid with a rooster named Brooster and remembered this old joke.

A farmer decides he needs a new rooster so he can expand his chicken coop, so he buys the most virile one he can find and names him Brewster. Within a day, Brewster has impregnated every hen the farmer ow...

A Man Walks Into A Bar.....(Read this one aloud)

A man is working his job as a bartender one night. A man comes into the bar and sits down near him. He pulls a tiny piano and a 12 inch man out of his shirt, and begins to listen as the little man plays piano. The bartender says, "That's amazing! Where did you meet this guy?" The man responds, "Oh, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When heaven was full...

God ordered the angel at the gate to only let people in who have died horrible deaths into heaven. So the angel asked the first man who came up, "How did you die?"

The first man replied, "You see, I was coming home from work early this day because I suspected my wife of cheating on me, and I ...

Signs...

The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job interferes with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces...