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Not meant for shrimp lovers...(NSFW)

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother’s house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says “What is it Johnny?”. Little Johnny says “Grandma has a shrimpy”! His mother looks at him puzzled. “She has a WHAT?” Johnny ...

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

What's the cheapest place to buy shrimp?

A prawn shop.

What do shrimps do when they’re depressed?

They krill themselves

What’s it called when a shrimp kills another shrimp?

A krilling spree

Why don’t shrimp share their treasure?

Because they are shellfish.

What does a depressed shrimp do to escape the pain?

He Krills himself.

What do you call an all-u-can-eat shrimp dinner?

Overkrill.

What’s worse then a shrimp on piano?

Cancer on organs.

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What do you call drunk shrimp having anal sex?

A shrimp cock-tail.

You should never trust shrimp.

You never know how shellfish they'll turn out to be.

Why did the cook fry the shrimp?

because it was throwing a tempura tantrum.

What do shrimp wear in the kitchen?

A-prawns

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What do shrimp watch when they're horny?

Prawnography.

Stop eating all the shrimp, Sean Connery

It's shellfish.

What did one Shrimp say to the other?

"We're all just Prawns."

So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine...

Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some?

Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish.

Me: No, it's free!

*from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*

I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret

Or United States of America.

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food?

shellfishly

Greenpeace have come up with a new name for shrimp hunting, claiming it's the same as mass murder.

They're calling it columbrine

Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans

I guess they were accident prawn

What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab?

"Looks like you've got me in a pinch."

Why don't shrimp give anything to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

What's a shrimp boat captain's favorite drink?

Hi-C

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What's the difference between a shrimp with big tits and a bus station full of old people?

One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station!

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

Why didnt the shrimp let anyone else eat?

He was being SHELLFISH

Would you mind....

A man was on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He repli...

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How can you tell that a shrimp with a big dick was walking down the beach?

Because he left a shrimp cock-trail.

Why did the Australian get kicked out the toy store?

For throwing shrimp on the Barbie

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

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An Asian man was crushed by a lorry

One day on his way home from work, an Asian man was crushed by a lorry. A few weeks later he was reincarnated. Unfortunately he didn't live the best of lives as a human so he returned as a shrimp.

I guess you could say he is now a crushed Asian...

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Shrimp

A little boy runs into the kitchen where his mother is making Thanksgiving dinner "Mama, Mama, Grandma's in the living room with her shrimps hanging out!"

The mother, a little confused, finishes up what she's doing and goes in to investigate. Sure enough, there's Grandma, who is a little out...

Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?

The piece of shrimp was shellfish!

The Horse, the Cow and the Pig.

There once was a barn with 3 best friends who happened to be a Horse, a Pig, and a Cow.

They are together listening to the radio through the window of the barn and the Horse hears am the guitar and he says “ hey I really love the guitar, you know what I’m gonna learn it”, so he goes off and l...

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mortuary surprise

Morticians John and Steve are working late at the funeral home, preparing a few corpses for their upcoming services John runs upstairs and tells Steve " the woman I am working on has a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!" When Steve doesn't believe him John tells him "come see then" They get back ...

In honor of endangered species, portions of the proceeds from each gilded comment will go to Tempura House...

...a home for battered shrimp.

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Two Morticians

One mortician calls the other in to look at newly arrived
body.

"Hey, Joe! You've got to see this.", says Chester.

"You know that good looking blonde they just brought
in.well she has a shrimp stuck up in her pussy"


"This I've got to see." responds Joe.


Af...

Mother Theresa looks down into hell from heaven...

She sees them getting ready for dinner. It's a feast, beef Wellington, shrimp, twice baked potatoes, wine, champagne, and a million different desserts.

Just then God came by and asked, "Are you hungry? I'm making tuna fish sandwiches if you'd like one."

MT: "Um, ok, sure."

The ...

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A man walks into a fancy restaurant...

...and sits alone at an empty table. After some time exploring the menu he calls for a waiter.
"Are you ready to order sir?"
"Yes, I will have a single shrimp and a glass of milk" says the man. The waiter shocked by the extravagance of the order writes it down and goes rushes into the kitchen....

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When Americans annoys Russians .

There was a group of Americans camping in the wild forest , suddenly there was a black bear walking towards them so they ran away recklessly .

However they accidentally destroyed Russians' campsites when escaping from black bear, how could Russians let them go like this ? They caught up t...

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A young apprentice flukes his exams and gets to do his first autopsy.

He walks to his supervisor. "er, excuse me.."
"What is it ?"
"Umm, it's Mrs Pratt, there's something wrong.."
"Well come on man, spit it out"
"There's a um, a b-big shrimp stuck in her er, vagina"
His supervisor turns around and stares at him.
"um, a a, s-super shrimp, r-right in t...

Some oxymorons

An oxymoron is a phrase with two words put together that are opposite in meaning and thus create a new meaning.

Here are some examples:

1) Living Dead

2) Jumbo Shrimp

3) Happy Marriage

4) Intelligent Redditor

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When ...

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A young morticians apprentice crashes through the door of his mentors office and says excitedly: "Hey Monty! You gotta check out this lady that just came in."

Monty slowly gets up from his chair.
"You know Mike, there isn't much I haven't seen. A lot of bodies have come through these doors."
"Yeah, but have you ever seen a chick with a shrimp in her pussy?"
Monty is intrigued. He follows Mike out to the stainless steel table and looks at th...

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Dirty Johnny's mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner...

Johnny runs up to her, tugs on the tails of her skirt--
"Momma, are we having shrimp for dinner?"
She tells him, "No, Johnny, we're having meatloaf."
Johnny says, "Oh. Well, Grandma's having shrimp!"
"What do you mean Grandma's having shrimp?"

So Johnny takes his mom's hand, lea...

agent...

A poor man is idly wandering down the street. When he is in front of a restaurant he notices a bearded man in a fine suit dining inside. What is not to notice?
The guy has ordered many dishes and is having quite a feast. The poor man, with his mouth watering, carries on watching the guy from the...

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An American, Russian, and Asian are stranded on a desert island...

... They decide in order to survive they will have to work together and plan on splitting up the day's work.

The Russian was tasked with building a hut, the American was to search for food, while the Asian was to search for supplies.

Each sets off in their separate directions.
<...

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Two morgue workers are examining a dead naked woman...

One of the morgue workers looks at his partner and says "there's a shrimp hanging from this woman's pussy."

The second worker, puzzled, looks down and then back at his partner: "that's not a shrimp, that's her clit."

The other man goes "Funny, it didn't taste like a clit to me."

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Two guys are working in a morgue...

...when one guy comes in and says, "Hey man, did you see that good looking blonde they just brought in?"

"No, why?"

"She's got a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!"

"No way. You're fuckin' around."

"No, really, come see for yourself!"

They walk down to storage and o...

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NSFW: Little Johnny's Grandma is visiting the family for the weekend...

After a nice dinner and chatting, everybody goes to bed; Johnny to his room, his parents to theirs, and Grandma to the guest bedroom.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny bursts into his parents' room exclaiming,
"Mom! Dad! Grandma's got a shrimp!!"

Bleary eyed, they both wake...

What about the mad cow?

A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and
go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."

The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."

The waiter, a bit miffed continue...

So a penguin and a seal are in a car...

The penguin is driving. It's 105 degrees outside, and, being from the arctic, they want to get something to cool off. The seal suggests they get ice cream, so they find a nearby ice cream parlor. They're getting out of the car and the seal says, "Hey, something's wrong with the engine!" the penguin ...

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