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Shrimp Jokes

Why did the shrimp break up with her boyfriend?

He was really shellfish!

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My Grandpa once told me an old story about a shrimp who grew a penis

It was a classic prawn cock tale

What do you call a shrimp that gets run over by a car?

Road Krill

What do you call an all-u-can-eat shrimp dinner?

Overkrill.

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

I never order shrimp-fried rice.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.

What do you call a store where you negotiate for off-the-book shrimp transactions?

A Prawn Shop


(I know, I know, it's a dumb one but it made me laugh)

What recipe uses chicken, shrimp, okra, and elephant sausage?

Dumbolaya

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Not meant for shrimp lovers...(NSFW)

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother’s house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says “What is it Johnny?”. Little Johnny says “Grandma has a shrimpy”! His mother looks at him puzzled. “She has a WHAT?” Johnny ...

what do you call a terrorist shrimp?

A bomb in-acean

What’s it called when a shrimp kills another shrimp?

A krilling spree

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Horny shrimp

What do shrimp watch when they're horny?

Prawnography

What do you call a shrimp that's really good at basketball?

Leprawn James

Where do you go to buy and sell shrimp?

The Prawn shop

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

What’s worse then a shrimp on piano?

Cancer on organs.

What do you call a shrimp that always gets injured?

Accident prawn.

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What do you call drunk shrimp having anal sex?

A shrimp cock-tail.

What did one Shrimp say to the other?

"We're all just Prawns."

Why did Barbie smell like fish?

Because Australians like throwing shrimp on her.

A couple of shrimp were at the bar next to me, eating a bowl of fries. I went to ask if I could have one, but the bartender stopped me. "Don't bother," he said, "they won't share.

They're two shellfish."

Sad moment today when I ran over a box of shrimp

Road Krill

I just tried popcorn shrimp

And I realized that there isn’t any popcorn in it. There goes pot roast.

Greenpeace have come up with a new name for shrimp hunting, claiming it's the same as mass murder.

They're calling it columbrine

What do shrimp wear in the kitchen?

A-prawns

Why don't shrimp give anything to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

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How can you tell that a shrimp with a big dick was walking down the beach?

Because he left a shrimp cock-trail.

What do shrimps do when they’re depressed?

They krill themselves

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What did the shrimp do when he was horny?

He went to a prawn site.

I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret

Or United States of America.

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine...

Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some?

Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish.

Me: No, it's free!

*from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*

Why did the shrimp and the clam get a divorce?

They were two shellfish.

Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans

I guess they were accident prawn

What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab?

"Looks like you've got me in a pinch."

A Chinese couple has a restaurant…

After a long day of work, they go to bed, the husband says to his wife: do we want to do a 69?

And the Wife: What? Shrimp sauteed rice at this hour?

Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…

The first man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria”

The second man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur”

The third man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there’s a sign o...

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Shrimp

A little boy runs into the kitchen where his mother is making Thanksgiving dinner "Mama, Mama, Grandma's in the living room with her shrimps hanging out!"

The mother, a little confused, finishes up what she's doing and goes in to investigate. Sure enough, there's Grandma, who is a little out...

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What's the difference between a shrimp with big tits and a bus station full of old people?

One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station!

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An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

Who knew?

I never knew the guy who invented the machine that they use to clean shrimp was named Sheldon Devane...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and notices that the place is mostly empty. Except for one end of the bar, that is. And there he sees a group of women standing around. All kinds of women - beautiful women, plain-looking women, shapely, skinny, fat, short, tall, blondes, brunettes - just about everything. ...

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An American, Russian, and Asian are stranded on a desert island...

... They decide in order to survive they will have to work together and plan on splitting up the day's work.

The Russian was tasked with building a hut, the American was to search for food, while the Asian was to search for supplies.

Each sets off in their separate directions.
<...

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

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A young intern working in a morgue goes to the older coroner with a startling discovery.

"This is gonna sound weird, but the drowning victim that just came in has a umm...shrimp sticking out of her vagina."

The coroner smiles and explains to him that it's likely her clitoris, since with drowning victims, it can often become swollen and take on a strange appearance..

"Funny...

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4 Tiny Jokes

What do you call someone who empathizes and feels badly for the plight of small crustaceans?

A shrimpathizer.

What do you call someone who uses machines to emulate the sounds of small crustaceans?

A shrimpesizer.

What do you call someone who chases after the affection of ...

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food?

shellfishly

Why didnt the shrimp let anyone else eat?

He was being SHELLFISH

What’s a shrimps favorite candy?

Bubba Gum

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NSFW Coming early

What is the favorite dish of men who suffer from premature ejaculation?

Bang bang. Shrimp.

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A man walks into a fancy restaurant...

...and sits alone at an empty table. After some time exploring the menu he calls for a waiter.
"Are you ready to order sir?"
"Yes, I will have a single shrimp and a glass of milk" says the man. The waiter shocked by the extravagance of the order writes it down and goes rushes into the kitchen....

I asked the asian restaurant what the smallest portion of rice they had

They told me shrimp fried rice

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his snack?

He was shellfish.

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Two guys are working in a morgue

Two guys are working in a morgue. One of them comes up to the other and says, "Did you see that that woman on that table had a shrimp coming out of her vagina?"

The other guy says, "That wasn't a shrimp, that was her clit."

The first guy says, "That's weird... It sure tasted like shrim...

Mother Theresa looks down into hell from heaven...

She sees them getting ready for dinner. It's a feast, beef Wellington, shrimp, twice baked potatoes, wine, champagne, and a million different desserts.

Just then God came by and asked, "Are you hungry? I'm making tuna fish sandwiches if you'd like one."

MT: "Um, ok, sure."

The ...

First visit to Australia

Ken: "What do you think of Australia so far?"

Barbie: "Get these damn shrimp off me!"

Why did the Australian fisherman get kicked out of the toy store.

Because he was throwing shrimp on the barbie.

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mortuary surprise

Morticians John and Steve are working late at the funeral home, preparing a few corpses for their upcoming services John runs upstairs and tells Steve " the woman I am working on has a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!" When Steve doesn't believe him John tells him "come see then" They get back ...

what did Xzibit say to the Chinese waiter?

"Yo Shrimp my Rice dawg!"

Little 5 year old Timmy ran downstairs screaming for his mom.

“Mommy, mommy, grandma has a shrimp,” he shouted.

Completely perplexed the mom let her little boy lead her upstairs to her mom’s room to find grandma asleep on the bed spread-eagled.

Embarrassed the mom explained to Timmy that it wasn’t a shrimp and this was her mom’s body.

“Str...

In honor of endangered species, portions of the proceeds from each gilded comment will go to Tempura House...

...a home for battered shrimp.

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Two Morticians

One mortician calls the other in to look at newly arrived
body.

"Hey, Joe! You've got to see this.", says Chester.

"You know that good looking blonde they just brought
in.well she has a shrimp stuck up in her pussy"


"This I've got to see." responds Joe.


Af...

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A young apprentice flukes his exams and gets to do his first autopsy.

He walks to his supervisor. "er, excuse me.."
"What is it ?"
"Umm, it's Mrs Pratt, there's something wrong.."
"Well come on man, spit it out"
"There's a um, a b-big shrimp stuck in her er, vagina"
His supervisor turns around and stares at him.
"um, a a, s-super shrimp, r-right in t...

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NSFW: Little Johnny's Grandma is visiting the family for the weekend...

After a nice dinner and chatting, everybody goes to bed; Johnny to his room, his parents to theirs, and Grandma to the guest bedroom.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny bursts into his parents' room exclaiming,
"Mom! Dad! Grandma's got a shrimp!!"

Bleary eyed, they both wake...

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A young morticians apprentice crashes through the door of his mentors office and says excitedly: "Hey Monty! You gotta check out this lady that just came in."

Monty slowly gets up from his chair.
"You know Mike, there isn't much I haven't seen. A lot of bodies have come through these doors."
"Yeah, but have you ever seen a chick with a shrimp in her pussy?"
Monty is intrigued. He follows Mike out to the stainless steel table and looks at th...

What about the mad cow?

A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and
go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."

The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."

The waiter, a bit miffed continue...

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Dirty Johnny's mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner...

Johnny runs up to her, tugs on the tails of her skirt--
"Momma, are we having shrimp for dinner?"
She tells him, "No, Johnny, we're having meatloaf."
Johnny says, "Oh. Well, Grandma's having shrimp!"
"What do you mean Grandma's having shrimp?"

So Johnny takes his mom's hand, lea...

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My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

Troll enter chat

A user enters a chat room for battered women. They immediately type that their husband forces her to lie around on the beach in Tahiti and eat lobster, mahi mahi, crab and shrimp. The new user is flagged by the other battered women with real problems and the mods block this low level troll. The n...

Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?

The piece of shrimp was shellfish!

Some oxymorons

An oxymoron is a phrase with two words put together that are opposite in meaning and thus create a new meaning.

Here are some examples:

1) Living Dead

2) Jumbo Shrimp

3) Happy Marriage

4) Intelligent Redditor

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Two guys are working in a morgue...

...when one guy comes in and says, "Hey man, did you see that good looking blonde they just brought in?"

"No, why?"

"She's got a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!"

"No way. You're fuckin' around."

"No, really, come see for yourself!"

They walk down to storage and o...

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Two morgue workers are examining a dead naked woman...

One of the morgue workers looks at his partner and says "there's a shrimp hanging from this woman's pussy."

The second worker, puzzled, looks down and then back at his partner: "that's not a shrimp, that's her clit."

The other man goes "Funny, it didn't taste like a clit to me."

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Little Johnny and Grandma

Little Johnny is sitting on the couch watching TV next to his elderly grandmother. After a few minutes of sitting down he looks over and realizes that his grandma fell asleep but before she did, she pulled her nightgown up over her head so that everything below her neck is hanging out.

Littl...

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