What scale does a piano play when thrown down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

An old pianist is playing some scales when he suddenly gets a heart attack and instantly dies.

Well, at least his life ended on a high note.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

A knock knock joke on a cosmological scale

- Knock knock.
- W h o ’ s t h e r e ?
- E N T R O P Y .
- E T R P Y w o ?
- e n

Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Did you know that Do and Re are being taken off the Solfège scale?

Mi either.

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Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?

What did the scale say to the other scale who was in a hurry?

Weight

"On a scale of one to ten..

..how bad is your headache?" asked the doctor.

"It's π.", said I.

..."π?"

..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

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A woman bought a new scale and is having breakfast with her husband.

He: “The new scale is great, since we have it I can check how much I poop.”

She: “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”





He: “Oh…that way seems to be even easier…”

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

My girlfriend stepped on the scales recently and asked me to guess what they said.

I said "One at a time please"?

She was not amused.

What's R. Kelly's favorite musical scale?

A minor.

A wife goes to her husband and says...

"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 - 300 in 2 seconds."

So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.

I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.

On a scale from 1 to ten

How dare you.

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?



A relative minor

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My fart felt like an earthquake...

Must have been an 8.0 on the rectum scale.

I drew a large picture of a small skinned fish.

It’s not a scale drawing

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enoug...

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

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On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

On a scale of -∞ to ∞, my girlfriend is a √-1

Completely imaginary, but useful in a lot of situations “on paper.”

My bathroom scale is like a ferrari

I can go from 0 to 300 in about 5 seconds with it

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

Why do dragons make good accountants?

The economies of scale

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

A girl asked me to rate her on a scale from 1 to 20

I rated her a 14 because she's pretty basic.

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love Harry Potter?

Nine and three quarters.

What did one urinal say to the other urinal?

“On a scale of 1 to 10, urinate.”

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to be rebellious?

11

A Bus Stop

On a bus stop in Washington DC, there were a cop, a nurse, a man in a suit, a philosopher and a priest. The cop spoke first:

Cop: ”Is this the right bus stop to Congress hill?”

Man in suit: ”yes”

Cop: ”Good. As it happens, there was this school shooting incident last week; I was...

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

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A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

Did you hear about the fat man who gave money to a piano player?

He really tipped the scales.

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

Art Show

A man walked into the Lourve with a plastic clicking box.

He held it up to a renaissance portrait; the box didn't click at all. He moved on to the surrealist paintings—the plastic box clicked a little. Security got anxious.

Just as they were about to stop him he moved into an exhibitio...

My husband asked me to rate his hearing

So I told him that he was an eight on a scale of ten

"Why the hell should I do that?" he replied

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

A girl is excited to finally go on a date...

... Her date picks her up and asks her what she would like to do. She says, "Weigh me." She they go inside and she weights 135. Then they have a great dinner. He then asks, "What would you like to do now?" She says, "Weigh me." They find a pay scale and she now weights 133. They go to a movie and ea...

A blind date

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When th...

A man goes to see the doctor about his weight

After getting off the scales the doctor starts to explain that he is too heavy for his height, being only 5’10 he is actually the weight of a healthy 6’ man.

When the man arrives home his wife asks if the doctor confirmed that he is over weight and needs to slim down.

Happily the man ...

My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

My wife wanted something that would go 0-100 very fast for her birthday

So i gave her a scale


(0-100 in kg's)

Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.

The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion. After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party. Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door. Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright ...

A wife asks for a present that would make her go from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds.

The husband got her a bathroom scale.

Why wasn't the scale factor afraid of a premature death?

Because it knew it would dilate

A guy walks up to a fruit stand

He orders 2lbs of apples.

The owner puts some apples in a bag, bites down on the handles, and bobs his head a couple times and says “2 pounds here you go”

Guy: “No way! Are you sure? How do you know?!”

Owner: puts the bag on the scale, it’s 2lbs on the nose. “It’s a talent that...

Police were chasing two robbers

...who ran into a pharmacy jumped on to a scale and got a weigh.

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

Why are musicians afraid of fish?

They have thousands of scales.

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

Your mom is a 10...

On the Richer scale!

(This joke is best followed up by taking exaggerated shaky steps while saying “BOOM BOOM BOOM” as each step falls).

I just aced my IQ test

I got 90 out of 100!



(The sad reality: a person I met IRL was extremely proud that he scored 75 points on his IQ test because he thought the scale went to 100.)

A man goes to a doctor for his yearly routine physical.

The nurse starts with the basic health questions.



“How much do you weigh?” she asks.



“Oh, about 165 pounds,” he says.



The nurse puts him on the scale and his actual weight is 187.



The nurse then asks, “And how tall are you?”



...

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

Two school girls are arguing, one preppy the other nerdy

The preppy girl says, “you’re just jealous because I’m a 10 and you’re not!”
The nerdy girl responds, “Yeah you’re a 10! On the pH scale, because you’re so BASIC!”

My wife broke her foot yesterday...

The doctor recommended Rest, Ice, Compression & Elevation.

When I asked my wife how bad the pain was on a scale of 1-10, she replied:

Broken foot: 10/10

Broken foot with RICE: 5/10

Do you know why the Reddit Dragon is yellow?

It's got bananas for scales

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

Crude Dental Work (In Australian)

Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'

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What is the best way to rate / review prostitutes ?

On a scale of "best bang for your buck."

Will and the Narnidian

There was once a little shopkeeper that lived in Narnidia who sold various 'crafted' items. Eventually, he decided (for one reason or another) that he needed to move to the US. After moving, his very first customer walks in. The shopkeeper says, in a friendly manner, "Name?" The guy says "Will." Th...

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