A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”

”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

The wife stands on the scale

Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!

Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.

I was in the bathroom watching the scale.

My wife walks in and asks what I’m doing.

I said “I’m watching my weight.”

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

I walked in on my wife on the scale.

She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!"

She quickly replied, "that's not going to help"

I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"

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I just took the manure truck across the scales

It weighed a shit ton

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly.

I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.

My plans after that? Weight and see.

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

What's Patrick Stewart's favourite scale of train?

N gauge

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale.

**BATMAN:** *[shifts uncomfortably in his chair]*

On a scale of 1 to 11, how would you rate Arabs?

9 out of 11

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My teacher pointed a scale at me and said "at the end of this scale, there is an idiot"

Then i asked something and she sent me out of the class.

Apparently, asking "at which end?" did not amuse her.

So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"

On a pH scale, I give this joke a 10

Because it’s pretty basic

What rock is a 6.9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale?

Gneiss

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:

"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."

The husband nods knowingly. S...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

For our upcoming anniversary, my wife wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

Bob was in big trouble......

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the ...

A knock knock joke on a cosmological scale

- Knock knock.
- W h o ’ s t h e r e ?
- E N T R O P Y .
- E T R P Y w o ?
- e n

Yo mama so fat

She can tip the scales without touching them because her weight is AoE

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A Mexican prostitute goes to the Doctor

The Doctor asks the ho what's wrong. She tells him that she's been feeling insecure in herself and is suddenly finding herself unable to share personal details about herself with anyone, not even family.

The Doctor says "OK, I understand. Well before we get into that, let me perform some stan...

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1-10.

Last night, we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

On a scale of one to even

I can’t.

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An engineer, physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer and a physicist go to a mathematicians house for dinner.

After finishing a wonderful meal prepared by the mathematician, they sit by the fire and enjoy a smoke.

The physicist leaves to use the toilet.

After coming back he comments to the mathematician;

'If you...

What scale does a piano play when thrown down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

Yo mama so fat

When she steps on a scale it says “To be continued”

An old pianist is playing some scales when he suddenly gets a heart attack and instantly dies.

Well, at least his life ended on a high note.

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On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

"On a scale of one to ten..

..how bad is your headache?" asked the doctor.

"It's π.", said I.

..."π?"

..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

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A woman bought a new scale and is having breakfast with her husband.

He: “The new scale is great, since we have it I can check how much I poop.”

She: “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”





He: “Oh…that way seems to be even easier…”

My girlfriend stepped on the scales recently and asked me to guess what they said.

I said "One at a time please"?

She was not amused.

Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

"Should we adopt the Kelvin temperature scale?"

"That would just make everything seem larger."

"Yeah, it is an absolute unit."

Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?

Did you know that Do and Re are being taken off the Solfège scale?

Mi either.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?



A relative minor

What's R. Kelly's favorite musical scale?

A minor.

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

What did the scale say to the other scale who was in a hurry?

Weight

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

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A terrible joke from my childhood

Three friends all were in the same class at school. They all had nicknames for eachother that were Dick, Pee and Zip. These names caught on and soon everyone, even teachers, refered to them by their nicknames.

One day they were all in class and their teacher left the room and the three boys t...

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.

The teacher is so salty

Teacher: What is below 7 in the pH scale?
Student: Acids.
Teacher: Good. What is above 7?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Clearly you don't know the basic!

My girlfriend recently told me about her pee fetish

I replied, “oh I already know”

“How?” She asked

I answered, “because on a scale of 1-10, urinate”

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Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

Why wasn't the scale factor afraid of a premature death?

Because it knew it would dilate

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

My bathroom scale is like a ferrari

I can go from 0 to 300 in about 5 seconds with it

Beautiful Russian Girl

My friend Dave just met this tall beautiful Russian girl and now they are getting married. We all knew her from college except for Dave. She looks like one of those models from a beauty pageant.

To give you an idea of her beauty, On a scale from 1 to 10 , she got a 12 inches surpise for him.

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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

During the recent quarantine period, I built a model of Mount Everest.

It’s not to scale, just to look at.

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

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Bob and his wife.

Bob and his wife have been married for 2 years and bob has forgotten their anniversary both times.

Well after another year comes by bob forgets again. Bob’s wife is pissed off and threatened to get a divorce.

Wife- “Bob if there isn’t a present in that drive way that goes from 0 to 2...

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife

Not made to scale

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?

"On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?"


"17"


"10 is already the highest".


"The highest of what?"


"The scale"



"Which scale?"


"How confused you are!"


"Oh right, 17."

On a scale of -∞ to ∞, my girlfriend is a √-1

Completely imaginary, but useful in a lot of situations “on paper.”

On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?

9 3/4

What did the Moh’s hardness scale say when it was feeling down?

“I don’t want to talc about it”

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

How do you tuna fish?

You raise or lower the scales

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It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

A wife goes to her husband and says...

"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 - 300 in 2 seconds."

So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.

Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.

Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.

"Watson...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

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NSFW so I met this girl at a bar last night...

We had a really good time so I brought her home, but I couldn't believe it when she pissed on my floor.. it's probably my fault though. When she asked me to grade her looks on a scale of one to ten I told her, "you're an eight."

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