I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I have sex with my German girlfriend she always rates me on a scale of 1-10.

Last night she kept saying “Nine, nine.” That’s the best I’ve ever gotten!

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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Bob was in trouble

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale from 1 to 10

Last night we tried anal and she kept screaming 9. It's the best I ever did.

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

On a scale from 1 to ten

How dare you.

I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.

Why wasn't the scale factor afraid of a premature death?

Because it knew it would dilate

"On a scale of one to ten..

..how bad is your headache?" asked the doctor.

"It's π.", said I.

..."π?"

..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?



A relative minor

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

Your mom is a 10...

On the Richer scale!

(This joke is best followed up by taking exaggerated shaky steps while saying “BOOM BOOM BOOM” as each step falls).

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

On a scale of -∞ to ∞, my girlfriend is a √-1

Completely imaginary, but useful in a lot of situations “on paper.”

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to be rebellious?

11

A musical scale got kicked out of a bar.

Why? It was A Minor.

My bathroom scale is like a ferrari

I can go from 0 to 300 in about 5 seconds with it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

What did the Moh’s hardness scale say when it was feeling down?

“I don’t want to talc about it”

I tried to use a talking weight scale today...

And it said, "One at a time please."

If you could gather together all the food you've wasted over your life and put it on a scale to weigh it,

It would probably smell terrible.

On a scale from one to ten, my skill at boolean logic...

Is -1

My fat girlfriend demanded that for her birthday I get her something in the driveway that goes 0-200 in 5 seconds.

Apparently a scale wasn't what she was thinking.

Asian Family School Letter Grading Scale Explained:

A=Average
B=Below Average
C=Can’t eat dinner tonight
D=Don’t come home
E/F=Exit the Family/ Find a new Family

On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?

"On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?"


"17"


"10 is already the highest".


"The highest of what?"


"The scale"



"Which scale?"


"How confused you are!"


"Oh right, 17."

I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the Racist Scale from 1 to 10

Hitler was ranked as a nein

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People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5...

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5.

People with a penis length above 5 inches tend to rate things on a scale of 1-10.

1-100 people will get this.

Did you hear that Satan outlawed scales?

I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Hell."

A snake tells her son, "Go out and get me some scale cream!"

"Why?"

"Because I shed so!"

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?

9 3/4

Why do couples fight?

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started....

While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut.

My wife laughed and said, "Do you think that helps you weigh less?"

I said, "No but it does help me to see how much I weigh."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

On a scale of 1-10...

What's your favorite color of the alphabet?

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

My bathroom scale tells jokes

Aand it's a funny weigh to lose weight

Laughing scale

Ha – Mildly amusing

Haha – Funny

Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh

Hahahaha – Stayin alive

Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

I aced my chemistry test on the pH scale...

It was really basic.

On a scale of 1 to 10…

How would you rate binary code?

My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

Are your scales working?

We'll have to weight and see...

Why didn’t the Jedi return his weight scale?

He wanted to keep the balance.

Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.

Several deranged individuals were caught attempting to scale the White House fence today...

Fortunately they were caught before they were able to reach the street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scale of Justice

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover ...

On a scale of 0-1...

How much do you love binary?

On a scale of 1 - 10, how hot is that waxing guy at the spa?

Like, a Brazilian!

Today a girl stopped me on the sidewalk and says, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty do you think I am?"

"I'd say you're about the average but I don't want to make this a mean joke."

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

Hey baby, are you a C major scale?

'Cause you look all natural to me.

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model...

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

What do you call a scale that always resets itself to zero?

Tareable

I gave my wife the scales for the St. Valentine's day

She gave me a ruler.

I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking

We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women.

For example:

"Every girl here is ugly"

"Well, what about her? "

"Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"

A large earthquake with a strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale just got the Middle East recently.

Two million Muslims are confirmed dead and another million are injured. President-elect Trump, wanting to help as much as possible, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

On a scale of North Korea to America,

how free are you this weekend?

On a Scale of 1 to Atlanta's Freeways...

How much is your life falling apart?

Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas

It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"

"What is it?" The others ask.

"A brand new Mercedes!"


"Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!" Said one of t...

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

What did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken?

No weigh...

The substance was mildly acidic on the pH scale

It was a solid 5/7

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