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Scale Jokes

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”
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On a scale of 1-100, how mature are you?

69
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Did you hear about the talking scale?

It speaks for the masses.
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A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”


“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
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I walked in on my wife on the scale.

She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!"

She quickly replied, "that's not going to help"

I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
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On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

My wife just said to me, you're an eight on a scale of ten.

I'm confused why did she ask me to Urinate on a Skeleton?
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I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

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A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet.

A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out 'cause of my new diet!"

His wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale ag...

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.

I think..he made it up.
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In other places, a suitable partner is judged on a 1-10 hotness scale.

In Alabama, they use relative humidity.
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Yo mama so fat...

The only scale she could use is the Richter Scale
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Why is a timer like a scale?

They both measure wait.
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My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale...

...sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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Doctor: How old are you on a scale of 1 to 8?

Kid: It stops at 8?

Doctor: It does for you.
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- In a scale 1 to 10, how much do you like to argue?

\- Would it be possible to make the scale from 1 to 20?

\- No

\- Why not?!
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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...
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I told my mate I'd built a model of the Himalayas.

He said "To scale?"

I said "No, just to look at"
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My wife hates to step on a scale

Because everytime she does, we have to replace it
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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

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Scale of Justice

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover ...

Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
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What do you call a fish you haven't put on the scale yet?

*The one you gotta weigh...*
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I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"

"No," I said.
"It's to look at."
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Someone stole my broken bathroom scales...

...but I'm confident they won't get a weigh with it.
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"On a scale of one to ten..

..how bad is your headache?" asked the doctor.

"It's π.", said I.

..."π?"

..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."
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Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...
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Yo momma so fat

I tried driving around her and ran out of gas.

When she steps on a scale it says 'please, one at a time'
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Does anybody have a scale I could borrow?

I just bought a bag of red hot chili peppers and I need to give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh nowww!
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German girlfriend

My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

What did the weighing scale say when someone broke its limit

-32768
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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
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To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.
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The wife stands on the scale

Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!

Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.
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My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"
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Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."
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My teacher pointed a scale at me and said "at the end of this scale, there is an idiot"

Then i asked something and she sent me out of the class.

Apparently, asking "at which end?" did not amuse her.

One a scale of number one to number ten, my obsession with the Beatles is

number nine, number nine, number nine...
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On a scale from 1-10 my pain seems to always be Pi

It may be a low level but it goes on forever
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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....
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My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.
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Laughing scale

Ha – Mildly amusing

Haha – Funny

Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh

Hahahaha – Stayin alive
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I asked this German woman on a scale of 1-10, how likely is it she would go out with me.

Don't mean to brag, but she said 9.
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A question of scale

A Texas rancher and a Vermont dairy farmer are having a conversation about their farming operations at a cattleman's conference. The Vermont man asks how many acres of corn the Texan grew this year. "I don't grow any.", said the Texan. "Oh.", said the Vermonter, feeling embarrassed for asking . ...
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A nudist was certain he could scale that wall

His balls were on the fence, however.

What's Patrick Stewart's favourite scale of train?

N gauge
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Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!
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"Should we adopt the Kelvin temperature scale?"

"That would just make everything seem larger."

"Yeah, it is an absolute unit."
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When you think about time on the cosmic scale, an infinitely expanding past and future...

60 seconds seems pretty minute.
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What's R. Kelly's favorite musical scale?

A minor.
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I just took the manure truck across the scales

It weighed a shit ton

What rock is a 6.9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale?

Gneiss
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My bathroom scale is like a ferrari

I can go from 0 to 300 in about 5 seconds with it
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On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky...

...how much do you like kids?
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On a pH scale, I give this joke a 10

Because it’s pretty basic
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What scale is an A below average and F above average?

Boobs!

My scale is broken.

It only seems to go up.
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I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.
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On a scale of 1 to 11, how would you rate Arabs?

9 out of 11
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I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.

My plans after that? Weight and see.
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I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking
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On a scale of 1-10

Drake chose Eleven
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My bathroom scale tells jokes

Aand it's a funny weigh to lose weight
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What scale does a piano play when thrown down a mineshaft?

A flat minor
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My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.
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My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.
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On the scale of attractiveness from 1 to 10 I’m a 6 at Trader Joe’s.

But I’m a strong 8 at Walmart.
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On a scale of 0-1...

How much do you love binary?
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So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"
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Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.
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On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?

9 3/4
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I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.
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I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.
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I tried to use a talking weight scale today...

And it said, "One at a time please."
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The government is considering implementing a plan to freeze inmates on a large scale

They’re weighing up the Frozen Cons
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C major (one of the popular scales) is chatting with a fellow partygoer when D major walks in.

C major is a friend, so she decides to pay her a compliment.

"You look sharp!", she says.

"Thanks! I love the natural look!"

At this, the lady scale she was chatting with leaves, flustered.

"Who was that?", D major asks, confused.

"Oh, Just Bb major. Can't take a j...
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Are your scales working?

We'll have to weight and see...
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The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.
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A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....
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TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.
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On a scale of North Korea to America,

how free are you this weekend?
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You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales?

Weigh a head of ewe.
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I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.
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On a scale of 1 to Osama...

How good was the hiding spot?
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Hey baby, are you a C major scale?

'Cause you look all natural to me.
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We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women.

For example:

"Every girl here is ugly"

"Well, what about her? "

"Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"
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An inexperienced young dude hooks up with a rather experienced MILF on Tinder...

They make out, when she says - hey, you ever had a 69? "No, what's that?", he replies. She says "let me show you", as she pulls down her undies and straddles his face, taking his dick in her mouth.

Few minutes into it, she's hot and bothered, and lets out the tiniest "feeeeeeeeepppp" fart war...

Did you hear that Satan outlawed scales?

I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Hell."
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On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?

"On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?"


"17"


"10 is already the highest".


"The highest of what?"


"The scale"



"Which scale?"


"How confused you are!"


"Oh right, 17."
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I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"
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On a scale of -∞ to ∞, my girlfriend is a √-1

Completely imaginary, but useful in a lot of situations “on paper.”
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Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.
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Did you know that Do and Re are being taken off the Solfège scale?

Mi either.
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