Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took the manure truck across the scales

It weighed a shit ton

I've come up with a system for assessing the validity of legal and financial documents with a scale based on Tom Cruise films

I call it my notary report.

I walked in on my wife on the scale.

She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!"

She quickly replied, "that's not going to help"

I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

On a pH scale, I give this joke a 10

Because it’s pretty basic

What rock is a 6.9 on the Mohs Hardness Scale?

Gneiss

SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale.

**BATMAN:** *[shifts uncomfortably in his chair]*

On a scale of 1 to 11, how would you rate Arabs?

9 out of 11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher pointed a scale at me and said "at the end of this scale, there is an idiot"

Then i asked something and she sent me out of the class.

Apparently, asking "at which end?" did not amuse her.

So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1-10.

Last night, we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.

A knock knock joke on a cosmological scale

- Knock knock.
- W h o ’ s t h e r e ?
- E N T R O P Y .
- E T R P Y w o ?
- e n

On a scale of one to even

I can’t.

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

What scale does a piano play when thrown down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

An old pianist is playing some scales when he suddenly gets a heart attack and instantly dies.

Well, at least his life ended on a high note.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

My friends and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

"On a scale of one to ten..

..how bad is your headache?" asked the doctor.

"It's π.", said I.

..."π?"

..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."

Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eddie had forgotten his wedding anniversary

His wife was really pissed. She told him,

“Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough the...

"Should we adopt the Kelvin temperature scale?"

"That would just make everything seem larger."

"Yeah, it is an absolute unit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

The teacher is so salty

Teacher: What is below 7 in the pH scale?
Student: Acids.
Teacher: Good. What is above 7?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Clearly you don't know the basic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman bought a new scale and is having breakfast with her husband.

He: “The new scale is great, since we have it I can check how much I poop.”

She: “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”





He: “Oh…that way seems to be even easier…”

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

My girlfriend stepped on the scales recently and asked me to guess what they said.

I said "One at a time please"?

She was not amused.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

During the recent quarantine period, I built a model of Mount Everest.

It’s not to scale, just to look at.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and his wife.

Bob and his wife have been married for 2 years and bob has forgotten their anniversary both times.

Well after another year comes by bob forgets again. Bob’s wife is pissed off and threatened to get a divorce.

Wife- “Bob if there isn’t a present in that drive way that goes from 0 to 2...

Did you know that Do and Re are being taken off the Solfège scale?

Mi either.

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?

My wife asked for something that went from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds

I bought her a scale

What's R. Kelly's favorite musical scale?

A minor.

My Iguana just lost a LOT of weight!

He shed the whole scale!

What did the scale say to the other scale who was in a hurry?

Weight

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?



A relative minor

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.

For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife

Not made to scale

How do you tuna fish?

You raise or lower the scales

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

Why wasn't the scale factor afraid of a premature death?

Because it knew it would dilate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.

Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.

"Watson...

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

My bathroom scale is like a ferrari

I can go from 0 to 300 in about 5 seconds with it

On a scale of -∞ to ∞, my girlfriend is a √-1

Completely imaginary, but useful in a lot of situations “on paper.”

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

My friend doesn’t like measuring me

her: you look thin - how much do you weigh right now?

me: *goes to scale* 144lbs why?

her: ewww gross

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

A phone has 8 numbers on it's keypad

When you press 1 it plays a D flat, when you press 2 it plays an E flat, 3 an F, 4 a G Flat, 5 an A Flat, 6 a B flat, 7 a C and 8 a D Flat. This is a dial tonic scale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW so I met this girl at a bar last night...

We had a really good time so I brought her home, but I couldn't believe it when she pissed on my floor.. it's probably my fault though. When she asked me to grade her looks on a scale of one to ten I told her, "you're an eight."

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

I tried to use a talking weight scale today...

And it said, "One at a time please."

A wife goes to her husband and says...

"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 - 300 in 2 seconds."

So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.

NSFW My music teacher was perverted...

He taught us how to Scale A Minor.

I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.

What did the Moh’s hardness scale say when it was feeling down?

“I don’t want to talc about it”

Why are fish never overweight?

Why are fish never overweight? They carry their scales with them.

Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?

9 3/4

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

If you could gather together all the food you've wasted over your life and put it on a scale to weigh it,

It would probably smell terrible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

A priest has a moment of weakness. He decides to go to a brothel.

Being a faithful servant of the lord until recently, he's overwhelmed. He sees one lady named destiny and immediately falls in love.

She's repulsed by him though, they just did not mesh.

The father leaves and returns the next day with flowers but destiny still will not have anything t...

On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?

"On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?"


"17"


"10 is already the highest".


"The highest of what?"


"The scale"



"Which scale?"


"How confused you are!"


"Oh right, 17."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5...

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5.

People with a penis length above 5 inches tend to rate things on a scale of 1-10.

1-100 people will get this.

Did you hear that Satan outlawed scales?

I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Hell."

I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

Laughing scale

Ha – Mildly amusing

Haha – Funny

Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh

Hahahaha – Stayin alive

While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut.

My wife laughed and said, "Do you think that helps you weigh less?"

I said, "No but it does help me to see how much I weigh."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.