UPJOKE

### I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

### What do you call a fish you haven't put on the scale yet?

*The one you gotta weigh...*

### I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

You're an eight!

### An old Music Joke

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
...

### - In a scale 1 to 10, how much do you like to argue?

\- Would it be possible to make the scale from 1 to 20?

\- No

\- Why not?!

### I asked this German woman on a scale of 1-10, how likely is it she would go out with me.

Don't mean to brag, but she said 9.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

### I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

### My wife hates to step on a scale

Because everytime she does, we have to replace it

### What did the weighing scale say when someone broke its limit

-32768

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

### Doctor: How old are you on a scale of 1 to 8?

Kid: It stops at 8?

Doctor: It does for you.

### Why is a timer like a scale?

They both measure wait.

### A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

### Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.

They’ve begun using a lettered grading scale:

As are the most rare of purebred koi’s

Bs are the more common variety purebred koi’s

Cs are mix/hybrid koi’s

Everything else are D koi’s

### On a scale from 1-10 my pain seems to always be Pi

It may be a low level but it goes on forever

### I told my mate I'd built a model of the Himalayas.

He said "To scale?"

I said "No, just to look at"

### Two prisoners are breaking out.

To make it to freedom, they have to climb over seven high walls. The first two are no problem, but they are starting to get tired after wall three. Wall four is quite challenging for them, but they make it with little issue. After wall five, they are exhausted, but they keep going. Smelling freedom,...

### why do monarchs feel so important?

Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.

### My wife said she wanted me to buy her something that will go from 0 to 160 in just a few seconds.

"That sounds expensive, what did you buy her?"

"A set of bathroom scales."

### I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"

"No," I said.
"It's to look at."

### Someone stole my broken bathroom scales...

...but I'm confident they won't get a weigh with it.

### I walked in on my wife on the scale.

She quickly replied, "that's not going to help"

I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"

### I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

### Does anybody have a scale I could borrow?

I just bought a bag of red hot chili peppers and I need to give it a weigh! Give it a weigh! Give it a weigh nowww!

### A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

### When you think about time on the cosmic scale, an infinitely expanding past and future...

60 seconds seems pretty minute.

### I asked my girlfriend, "on a scale of one to Tiffany, how crazy are you?"

She said, "who's Tiffany?"

### See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

### Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

### My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

### C major (one of the popular scales) is chatting with a fellow partygoer when D major walks in.

C major is a friend, so she decides to pay her a compliment.

"You look sharp!", she says.

"Thanks! I love the natural look!"

At this, the lady scale she was chatting with leaves, flustered.

"Who was that?", D major asks, confused.

"Oh, Just Bb major. Can't take a j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

### Three men bragging about getting their wives cars

Three men were at a bar and they were bragging to each other about who got their wife the best car One man says “I got her one that goes from 0 to 30 in about 10 seconds” The second guy says “that’s nothing I bought my wife one that goes from 0 to 40 in five seconds” the third guy said “well I bough...

### A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”

”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

### Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

### On the scale of attractiveness from 1 to 10 I’m a 6 at Trader Joe’s.

But I’m a strong 8 at Walmart.

### A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."

"BaNaNa for scale?"

### To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

### Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.

### Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

### The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return;

it's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

### On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

### Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

### I asked my wife “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself?” And in a sassy tone, she said “11”.

I told her “Must be a pH scale cause you’re basic as hell.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

### A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

### My wife demanded I had something that went 0-200 in less than 6 seconds in the driveway for here birthday.

She woke up to find a scale.

### "On a scale of one to ten..

"It's π.", said I.

..."π?"

..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."

### SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale.

**BATMAN:** *[shifts uncomfortably in his chair]*

### I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

Gneiss

### Why are dragon plushies soft and cuddly?

They aren't scale models.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My German girlfried likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale 1-10. [NSFW]

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done

### The wife stands on the scale

Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!

Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A nudist was certain he could scale that wall

His balls were on the fence, however.

### I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.

My plans after that? Weight and see.

### Bob forget his wife's wedding anniversary

His wife was mad and demanded that there be something in the driveway the next morning that will go 0-200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE.

So the next morning comes around and there was a massive box in the driveway.

His wife unwrapped the present excited, to find a set of bathroo...

### Marketeer: On a scale from one to ten, how big is the change you would recommend our product to your friends?

RedditUser: zero.

Marketeer: So, I take it, you don't like our product?

RedditUser: No, no, your product is ok.

Marketeer: But then why don't you want to recommend our product to your friends?

RedditUser: I don't have any friends.

### Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

### A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

### On a pH scale, I give this joke a 10

Because it’s pretty basic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

### Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My teacher pointed a scale at me and said "at the end of this scale, there is an idiot"

Then i asked something and she sent me out of the class.

Apparently, asking "at which end?" did not amuse her.

9 out of 11

### The government is considering implementing a plan to freeze inmates on a large scale

They’re weighing up the Frozen Cons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boobs!

### Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

9 3/4

### My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

N gauge

### I think I cracked the overweight problem

# I think I cracked the overweight problem

Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A woman bought a new scale and is having breakfast with her husband.

He: “The new scale is great, since we have it I can check how much I poop.”

She: “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh…that way seems to be even easier…”

Ugly.

### My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Scale of Justice

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover ...

### Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

A flat minor

### I'm not saying the wife is fat or anything.

But when she gets on the scales... they read "sorry one at a time please"

### My bathroom scale is like a ferrari

I can go from 0 to 300 in about 5 seconds with it

### I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.

### TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of \$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

### My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

### I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.