I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

"On a scale of one to ten..

..how bad is your headache?" asked the doctor.

"It's π.", said I.

..."π?"

..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you?

Weigh a head of ewe there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

My girlfriend stepped on the scales recently and asked me to guess what they said.

I said "One at a time please"?

She was not amused.

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A woman bought a new scale and is having breakfast with her husband.

He: “The new scale is great, since we have it I can check how much I poop.”

She: “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”





He: “Oh…that way seems to be even easier…”

What's R. Kelly's favorite musical scale?

A minor.

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?

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Bob was in trouble

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

What did the scale say to the other scale who was in a hurry?

Weight

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

Your mom is a 10...

On the Richer scale!

(This joke is best followed up by taking exaggerated shaky steps while saying “BOOM BOOM BOOM” as each step falls).

Why wasn't the scale factor afraid of a premature death?

Because it knew it would dilate

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?



A relative minor

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

On a scale of -∞ to ∞, my girlfriend is a √-1

Completely imaginary, but useful in a lot of situations “on paper.”

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

My bathroom scale is like a ferrari

I can go from 0 to 300 in about 5 seconds with it

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

Asian Family School Letter Grading Scale Explained:

A=Average
B=Below Average
C=Can’t eat dinner tonight
D=Don’t come home
E/F=Exit the Family/ Find a new Family

What did the Moh’s hardness scale say when it was feeling down?

“I don’t want to talc about it”

I tried to use a talking weight scale today...

And it said, "One at a time please."

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the Racist Scale from 1 to 10

Hitler was ranked as a nein

On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?

"On a scale from 1 to 10, how confused are you?"


"17"


"10 is already the highest".


"The highest of what?"


"The scale"



"Which scale?"


"How confused you are!"


"Oh right, 17."

I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.

My fat girlfriend demanded that for her birthday I get her something in the driveway that goes 0-200 in 5 seconds.

Apparently a scale wasn't what she was thinking.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to be rebellious?

11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5...

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5.

People with a penis length above 5 inches tend to rate things on a scale of 1-10.

1-100 people will get this.

Did you hear that Satan outlawed scales?

I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Hell."

On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?

9 3/4

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

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It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut.

My wife laughed and said, "Do you think that helps you weigh less?"

I said, "No but it does help me to see how much I weigh."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

Laughing scale

Ha – Mildly amusing

Haha – Funny

Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh

Hahahaha – Stayin alive

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Why do couples fight?

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started....

On a scale of 1 to 10…

How would you rate binary code?

I aced my chemistry test on the pH scale...

It was really basic.

My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

Why didn’t the Jedi return his weight scale?

He wanted to keep the balance.

Woman wanted a pic of me with a banana for scale.

Too bad the store was out of plantains.

Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scale of Justice

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover ...

Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.

Several deranged individuals were caught attempting to scale the White House fence today...

Fortunately they were caught before they were able to reach the street.

Today a girl stopped me on the sidewalk and says, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty do you think I am?"

"I'd say you're about the average but I don't want to make this a mean joke."

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

Are your scales working?

We'll have to weight and see...

On a scale of 0-1...

How much do you love binary?

Hey baby, are you a C major scale?

'Cause you look all natural to me.

We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women.

For example:

"Every girl here is ugly"

"Well, what about her? "

"Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"

On a scale of 1 - 10, how hot is that waxing guy at the spa?

Like, a Brazilian!

What do you call a scale that always resets itself to zero?

Tareable

I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking

I gave my wife the scales for the St. Valentine's day

She gave me a ruler.

On a scale of North Korea to America,

how free are you this weekend?

A Bus Stop

On a bus stop in Washington DC, there were a cop, a nurse, a man in a suit, a philosopher and a priest. The cop spoke first:

Cop: ”Is this the right bus stop to Congress hill?”

Man in suit: ”yes”

Cop: ”Good. As it happens, there was this school shooting incident last week; I was...

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas

It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"

"What is it?" The others ask.

"A brand new Mercedes!"


"Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!" Said one of t...

On a Scale of 1 to Atlanta's Freeways...

How much is your life falling apart?

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

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