This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the peak of men's self-confidence?

It's when a gorgeus lady performs a fellatio for half an hour, yet your general refuses to stand up straight. You look down to the lady and say: "My dear girl, does that happen often to you?"

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

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I yelled at a friend because in her email she used 'peak' instead of 'peak', 'hear' instead of 'here' and other, similar mistakes.

I engaged in an ad homonym attack.

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

How do you call the peak of indifference?

What Everest.

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

Took a peak at one of my Christmas presents.

A bag of rice? Thanks a lot Uncle Ben.

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

Annoying Orange has 5 million subscribers, but has long since reached its peak.

Now he's president of the United States.

British scientists have created a new high-tech material that reaches peak performance around 5pm

They called it Tea-timeum.

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

Fifty!

Bob is strolling down the sidewalk along Main Street when he encounters another man, out in the street, jumping up and down on a manhole cover, yelling "Fifty!" with every jump.

Intrigued, Bob approaches the man and asks him, "Good sir, for what good reason are you jumping on this manhole co...

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An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a c...

What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?

\- Peak Aboo.

And which one gives them a flu?

\- Peak Achoo.

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A man with a small penis was sad...

about his penis ofc. His friend suggested him to visit a *tantric guru* (enlightened saint) in the Himalayas who knew a *mantra* (spell) that could enlarge his penis if pronounced correctly. He went to the Himalayas and inquired about the guru and came to know that he sits on one of the highest peak...

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A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me ...

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Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

Halfway through his birth, I realize that my son was at his peak trading value...

At that point, he was new, in box

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

Hey. I can't help but peak at chu.

It's making my bulbs all sore.

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

My mom stopped making jokes after my birth.

She decided to quit at her peak.

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The Telling Tale of Oliver Tin

When he was young, Oliver Tin knew nothing about what he wanted to do, except that he wanted to do everything.

At the age of 5, he had already mastered reading, and had grown bored of all the literature he could find, fiction or not. Oliver Tin took this boredom as an obligation to produce wo...

What do you call a mountaintop guarded by rogues?

A sneak peak

Bill Gates dies and goes to to the Pearly Gates.

Once there, St Peter looks throught his huge book, and finds Bills name.

"Im sorry" St Peter says. "It says here that you havent been particularly good, but, not bad either."

"It seems actually that all your good and bad deeds weight eachother out, so, there is nothing telling me if yo...

A guy with one arm is sick of life.....

A guy with one arm is sick of life, he tries to get a job but no one hires him. He can't get himself a girl friend. Everyone he knows picks on him and laughs at him. He feels really down. Eventually he decides enough is enough and decides to take his own life.

He goes to the roof of the tall...

A man goes to a restaurant...

Where he seats himself at a table and browses the menu.

After settling on what he wants, he places the order with the waitress.

After his food arrives, he grabs his plate and leaves the restaurant, climbs into his car and drives to the airport.

There, he boards a plane to Nepal,...

The Kadink Kadonk Machine

There was once a very rich collector, he owned many valuable and rare items. One day, whilst talking to a friend they discussed rare items.


“I own nearly every valuable rare item known to man” said the rich collector.


“I know something you don’t own” said his friend.
...

My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

I wish I had an iPhone 7.

How I learned to mind my own business???

One day I was walking near a mental institution. Everyone in the courtyard was yelling: “13 13 13 !!!”
The fence was to high to see anything, but I found a hole so I got close to peak through it.. A crazy guy poked me in the eye and everyone started yelling: “ 14 14 14!!!”

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Three men wanted to look like women.

So they asked an old man for advise. The old man said: "Hike to the peak of that mountain. Up there is a tree. Say something to the tree, and that's what you'll look like."

When they reached the peak, the first man said, "Gal Gadot", and he looked like Gal Gadot. The second guy said "Emma Wa...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

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A small white guy is using the urinal when a large black man walks in to the bathroom..

The black guy starts using the urinal and the white guy takes a peak over and with astonishment asks the black guy "How did you get a pecker that big?!". The black guy rolls his eyes and half jokingly says "Well what you have to do is wrap a bunch of rubber bands around it and attach weights on the ...

I am fascinated by mountains.

They peak my interest.

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A monk was determined to seek immortality...

But after months, years, decades of training, he still failed. seeking after wisdom and enlightment, he went to his teacher and said "Master, how must I achieve the secret of immortality?"

"Have you seen the warm glow of the sun slowly creep behind the majestic mountains?" the master asked....

A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan

Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"

The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."

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Three friends were driving down an old country road, when all of a sudden their car broke down.

They got out of the car, looked around and spotted a farm 500 meters down the road.

When they arrived, they knocked on the door and an old greyed hair farmer opened the door and stared blank.

All three friends frantically explained their predicament.

‘You’s can stay for the n...

A man sees a sign that says "Free Steaks" at the base of a mountain.

"How'd you get those steaks?" The man asked to a hiker, with 3 steaks in his pack.

"You have to get to the top of the peak to get them"

"Man those are some high steaks.."

My dad told me today that we're distantly related to the Fugarwii Tribe of Native Americans.

This tribe was nomadic, and would wander all over the continental US. Unfortunately, as a tribe, they had a terrible sense of direction and would often get horribly lost.
The Fugarwii had scouts who's soul purpose was to remedy this: they would scout about, find the tallest mountain they could, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A long joke, thick with details

A man with a tiny dick hiked up a mountain to ask a shaman to help with his affliction. He reached the peak and approached the shaman.

"I want a nine inch dick. What do I have to do?"

"It's simple," said the shaman. "Look down at the jungle. Do you see that tree with the white bark?"<...

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

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This guy is going on a business trip, and his girlfriend wants him to tattoo her name on his dick...

So he lands in Jamaica. Before leaving the airport, he has to take a leak. He's at the urinal, and this tall, dreadlocked Jamaican goes to the urinal next him.

This guy can't help it, he peaks. And to his surprise, this Jamaican's dick is tattooed with what appears to be the same name.
She...

Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains?

Mountains peak.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away.

"The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck i...

A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long ...

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay t...

A man has to kill to add 20 years into his life. But at a price...

I've made a deal with _Death_. When I "died" death came up to me and said

"Congratulations! You're the 100th billion person to die! You can choose to live on in heaven OR choose to live forever back on Earth! As long as you kill a person, that person will give you 20 more years to live! But ...

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Man goes to the Dr because his D!ck has turned Orange.

Man: Doctor, I have this orange dick, its freaking me out, have you ever heard of such a thing?


Doctor: Hmm interesting, mind if I take a peak?


So the man breaks out his bright orange man meat for the doctor to inspect.


Doctor: By god! You're not kidding, you just wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a man with a little penis..

No girl would sleep with him and he just wanted to end his life, then his friend told him about a Sage who lived on the peak of Himalayas, that he had a mantra which could help him.

Without wasting time the man left for Himalayas. On his was up to the peak he found a huge boulder blocking the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A milkman knocks on a lady's door.

She yells, "Come on in, I'm in the bath."

He slowly peaks around the corner of the open bathroom door and she says , "I want to take a milk bath, fill 'er up.

He replies, "Alright, do you want it pasteurized?"

She says, "No, just up to my boobs."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Man who Chose Heaven Instead of Hell

Evan O'Reilly was known throughout America as a truly exceptional man. As the curer of several diseases, the discoverer of many life supporting planets, and the inventor of many new robotics, he was given an option as he neared his death. He was visited by the Angel of Death when he was 108 (his new...

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Life is long and for one to live, one must find one fuck to give.

Life is long
and for one to live,
one must find
one fuck to give.

Some days life's good
some days it sucks,
yet I still remain
with zero fucks.

I've searched and searched
then searched some more,
til every place
had been explored

Looked high and low...

An architect was exploring Asia

When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied "Soviet Russia". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site.

He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a ...

Hillary Clinton comes home one day and finds Bill putting a large box back into the closet...

...she asks him what it's for and he responds, "Don't worry honey. Just forget about it." She does until a few weeks later when her curiosity peaks. She looks in the box and finds $80,000 and 2 soda cans.

When bill gets home she asks him about the box and why there's $80,000 and soda cans i...

Why did the nurse cuddle with her locked-in syndrome patients right after their sponge bath?

Because she likes her vegetables at the peak of freshness

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The janitor and the priest.

A janitor is cleaning a church near the confessional when the priest pokes his head out and motions for him to come over and says to him, "Listen. I really have to go to the bathroom. I need you to hear confessions for me while am away. I won't be long."

The janitor says, "But father,...

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Two guys stand at the urinals in a downtown hotel, one white and one black.

The white guy has always wondered if the stories about black guys and their huge package is true so he sneaks a peak over at the guy next to him, despite himself he lets out a little gasp seeing that the guy's dick is white!

The black guy turns to him with a quizzical expression on his face?<...

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."

Slightly ta...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wealthy widow decides to get remarried.

So she decides to post an ad in the newspaper.

I am a wealthy widow looking for a new husband. All I ask are three things. 1: he musn't beat me. 2: he musn't walk over me. 3: he must be good in bed. Apply in person at xxx widow's peak.

At 8:00 am the following day, her doorbell rang. W...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

They're running out of fuel, and losing height, having already thrown all of their ballast overboard.

A range of mountains is coming up in the distance, and they need to lose weight the clear them.

A...

The Lord will take care of me

Mr. Jackson was a devout Southern Baptist. He spent his entire life in dedicated service to the Lord. He never missed a church service, or an opportunity to demonstrate his great faith in The Father.

One Sunday morning the congregation of Mr. Jackson's church were gathered for service, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wish for a larger phallus

A man walks into a public bathroom and approaches one of the urinals. As he's unzipping a dwarf walks up to the adjacent urinal and does the same. The man hears a mighty stream coming from the dwarf and slyly takes a peak to see what the little man is packing.

To his surprise the dwarf's ...

A man walks by an insane asylum

He keeps hearing the crazy people inside shouting "3, 3, 3, 3" He becomes curious but he can't see over the large gate. He notices a small hole and decides to take a peak. Right when he looks someone from the other side sticks their finger right in his eye. The chant changes to 4 4 4!

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Priest is working in a confessional...

It's a slow day, and after awhile he finds himself in need to use the restroom. Unable to leave the confessional unattended, he calls over the church's janitor.

"I'm sorry, but would you mind covering my post for a short bit? It's the easiest thing in the world, all you need to do is sit here...

The man who loved baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go throug...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Submitted this to r/trees and didn't get much love. Maybe you guys will like it more.

One day a doctor decided to do an experiment on 3 people with different vices. He chose a sex addict, an alcoholic and a stoner. He took the sex addict to a room filled with all sorts of women, men and and sex toys that the sex addict could imagine. The doctor told the sex addict that he would check...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A catholic priest needs help for confessions...

A Catholic priest needs extra help for his confessional booth because all the junior priests are gone on a missions trip overseas.

"God", he prays, "I need extra help for the confession booth. I just can't handle all the people coming in."

God replies, "Call the Jewish Rabbi friend of ...

My favorite joke as a kid

A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck ask...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A white tourist stands beside a Jamaican local at a urinal...

Being a curious man, the white tourist decides to lean over to take a peak at the Jamaican's junk to see if the stereotype lives up to its expectations. Looking over, the tourist notices that the local has the letters "W Y" tattooed on his penis. The tourist says to the local "Hey, is your wife name...

Driving through a blizzard with my dad

At the peak of the snow and ice he got out of the car and put two frozen snakes on the windshield. I asked him what he supposed that would do to help and he said "what's wrong son, Never heard of wind chilled vipers?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magic Mountain

3 guys climb a trail to the peak of Magic Mountain. An old folk story says that if you run and jump off of the cliff and shout a word, you will magically turn into whatever word you said. The first guy runs and jumps off and says "Eagle!". POOF! He turned into an eagle and soared away. The second gu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde sits next to a scientist...

On a long flight a scientist ends up sitting next to a blonde. Bored and looking for a bit of amusement the scientist starts chatting with the blonde and realizes that she is dumb as rocks. Once the plane is in the air the scientist offers to play a game with the blonde.

"The rules are very s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a white man is taking a leak in a bar bathroom..

when a black man walks up to the urinal beside him and drops his trousers. Curious, the white man peaks down towards the black mans waist and exclaims "Holy hell! That's the biggest pecker I've ever seen! How do I get one like that?".
The black man chuckles and thinks for a moment and says: "Well...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hermit

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a hermit who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been know...

the lord will save me

So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded.
(Let’s call him father Otis)
when there is a couple of inches of water on the ground a guy on a surfboard comes along and says in a think Mexican accent "father Otis I get you to safety just hop on my board and I take...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Catholic Confessions

A priest is receiving confessions at the local church, and has been giving them all day. After being there for nine hours straight he has the urge to go to the bathroom. Because he doesn’t want to stop confessions while he goes to the bathroom he asks little Timmy and Tommy if one of them will sit i...

A man walks by a mental hospital and hears a group of patients yelling 12! 12! 12!

A man walks by a mental hospital and hears a group of patients yelling 12! 12! 12! behind an old wooden fence. Curious about the commotion, the man walks up and peaks threw a hole in the fence to get a better view and gets poked in the eye. The group yells 13! 13! 13!

Drinking joke from Finland

Pekka and Jukka are sitting in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. For 3 days they are drinking like hell, before they finally run out of booze. So Pekka says to his mate: “Go and look in th shed. Maybe there’s something left we can drink.”
Jukka returns after a few minutes with a bottle of menth...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/22)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday but we can never escape the jokes!

First up, the FCC announced today that they would start to allow more sex during peak kids' TV hours. So look out for PBS's new show starring Big Bird's cousin, Kandi Kanary, in "Sesame Red Light District".

Weir...