I have achieved the peak ramen-to-income ratio.

If I make more money, I'll eat less ramen.

And if I make any less money, I'll also eat less ramen.

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

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Whats the peak of ignorance and antipathy?

I DONT KNOW AND DONT FUCKIN CARE.

What do you call the peak of a sneeze?

a pikachu

(for the slow: peak - atchoo)

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What is the peak of men's self-confidence?

It's when a gorgeus lady performs a fellatio for half an hour, yet your general refuses to stand up straight. You look down to the lady and say: "My dear girl, does that happen often to you?"

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

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I yelled at a friend because in her email she used 'peak' instead of 'peak', 'hear' instead of 'here' and other, similar mistakes.

I engaged in an ad homonym attack.

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

Took a peak at one of my Christmas presents.

A bag of rice? Thanks a lot Uncle Ben.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

A man walks into a bar and orders a double scotch.

After he finishes his drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then asks the bartender for another double scotch. When he finishes that, he again peaks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring yet another double scotch. The bartender says “ look buddy, I’ll pour your drinks all nig...

Annoying Orange has 5 million subscribers, but has long since reached its peak.

Now he's president of the United States.

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The BBC does a special on the oldest man in Scotland

They arrived for the special and decided to start it off with an interview where they asked him: “What was the best day of your life, Mr MacDonald?”
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that our sheep had gone missing on the mountains. The whole village sear...

Hey. I can't help but peak at chu.

It's making my bulbs all sore.

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

How do mountains see?

They peak.

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

Halfway through his birth, I realize that my son was at his peak trading value...

At that point, he was new, in box

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

There was once a boy who loved tractors

He adored them. He had a tractor bed, tractor posters on his wall, tractor toys and pop up books filled with tractors.

As he grew he always knew that working with tractors is what he wanted to do. And so with his love for tractors he aged, before finally getting his dream job, driving a tract...

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A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me ...

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

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An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a c...

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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

Fifty!

Bob is strolling down the sidewalk along Main Street when he encounters another man, out in the street, jumping up and down on a manhole cover, yelling "Fifty!" with every jump.

Intrigued, Bob approaches the man and asks him, "Good sir, for what good reason are you jumping on this manhole co...

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

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Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

I wish I had an iPhone 7.

A man goes to a restaurant...

Where he seats himself at a table and browses the menu.

After settling on what he wants, he places the order with the waitress.

After his food arrives, he grabs his plate and leaves the restaurant, climbs into his car and drives to the airport.

There, he boards a plane to Nepal,...

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?

\- Peak Aboo.

And which one gives them a flu?

\- Peak Achoo.

My mom stopped making jokes after my birth.

She decided to quit at her peak.

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

What do you call a mountaintop guarded by rogues?

A sneak peak

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The Telling Tale of Oliver Tin

When he was young, Oliver Tin knew nothing about what he wanted to do, except that he wanted to do everything.

At the age of 5, he had already mastered reading, and had grown bored of all the literature he could find, fiction or not. Oliver Tin took this boredom as an obligation to produce wo...

A guy with one arm is sick of life.....

A guy with one arm is sick of life, he tries to get a job but no one hires him. He can't get himself a girl friend. Everyone he knows picks on him and laughs at him. He feels really down. Eventually he decides enough is enough and decides to take his own life.

He goes to the roof of the tall...

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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

How I learned to mind my own business???

One day I was walking near a mental institution. Everyone in the courtyard was yelling: “13 13 13 !!!”
The fence was to high to see anything, but I found a hole so I got close to peak through it.. A crazy guy poked me in the eye and everyone started yelling: “ 14 14 14!!!”

The Kadink Kadonk Machine

There was once a very rich collector, he owned many valuable and rare items. One day, whilst talking to a friend they discussed rare items.


“I own nearly every valuable rare item known to man” said the rich collector.


“I know something you don’t own” said his friend.
...

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Three men wanted to look like women.

So they asked an old man for advise. The old man said: "Hike to the peak of that mountain. Up there is a tree. Say something to the tree, and that's what you'll look like."

When they reached the peak, the first man said, "Gal Gadot", and he looked like Gal Gadot. The second guy said "Emma Wa...

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A monk was determined to seek immortality...

But after months, years, decades of training, he still failed. seeking after wisdom and enlightment, he went to his teacher and said "Master, how must I achieve the secret of immortality?"

"Have you seen the warm glow of the sun slowly creep behind the majestic mountains?" the master asked....

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A small white guy is using the urinal when a large black man walks in to the bathroom..

The black guy starts using the urinal and the white guy takes a peak over and with astonishment asks the black guy "How did you get a pecker that big?!". The black guy rolls his eyes and half jokingly says "Well what you have to do is wrap a bunch of rubber bands around it and attach weights on the ...

Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains?

Mountains peak.

My dad told me today that we're distantly related to the Fugarwii Tribe of Native Americans.

This tribe was nomadic, and would wander all over the continental US. Unfortunately, as a tribe, they had a terrible sense of direction and would often get horribly lost.
The Fugarwii had scouts who's soul purpose was to remedy this: they would scout about, find the tallest mountain they could, ...

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A long joke, thick with details

A man with a tiny dick hiked up a mountain to ask a shaman to help with his affliction. He reached the peak and approached the shaman.

"I want a nine inch dick. What do I have to do?"

"It's simple," said the shaman. "Look down at the jungle. Do you see that tree with the white bark?"<...

A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan

Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"

The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

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This guy is going on a business trip, and his girlfriend wants him to tattoo her name on his dick...

So he lands in Jamaica. Before leaving the airport, he has to take a leak. He's at the urinal, and this tall, dreadlocked Jamaican goes to the urinal next him.

This guy can't help it, he peaks. And to his surprise, this Jamaican's dick is tattooed with what appears to be the same name.
She...

A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long ...

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay t...

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The Man who Chose Heaven Instead of Hell

Evan O'Reilly was known throughout America as a truly exceptional man. As the curer of several diseases, the discoverer of many life supporting planets, and the inventor of many new robotics, he was given an option as he neared his death. He was visited by the Angel of Death when he was 108 (his new...

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Man goes to the Dr because his D!ck has turned Orange.

Man: Doctor, I have this orange dick, its freaking me out, have you ever heard of such a thing?


Doctor: Hmm interesting, mind if I take a peak?


So the man breaks out his bright orange man meat for the doctor to inspect.


Doctor: By god! You're not kidding, you just wo...

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Once there was a man with a little penis..

No girl would sleep with him and he just wanted to end his life, then his friend told him about a Sage who lived on the peak of Himalayas, that he had a mantra which could help him.

Without wasting time the man left for Himalayas. On his was up to the peak he found a huge boulder blocking the...

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A milkman knocks on a lady's door.

She yells, "Come on in, I'm in the bath."

He slowly peaks around the corner of the open bathroom door and she says , "I want to take a milk bath, fill 'er up.

He replies, "Alright, do you want it pasteurized?"

She says, "No, just up to my boobs."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away.

"The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck i...

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Life is long and for one to live, one must find one fuck to give.

Life is long
and for one to live,
one must find
one fuck to give.

Some days life's good
some days it sucks,
yet I still remain
with zero fucks.

I've searched and searched
then searched some more,
til every place
had been explored

Looked high and low...

Hillary Clinton comes home one day and finds Bill putting a large box back into the closet...

...she asks him what it's for and he responds, "Don't worry honey. Just forget about it." She does until a few weeks later when her curiosity peaks. She looks in the box and finds $80,000 and 2 soda cans.

When bill gets home she asks him about the box and why there's $80,000 and soda cans i...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

They're running out of fuel, and losing height, having already thrown all of their ballast overboard.

A range of mountains is coming up in the distance, and they need to lose weight the clear them.

A...

An architect was exploring Asia

When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied "Soviet Russia". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site.

He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a ...

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Two guys stand at the urinals in a downtown hotel, one white and one black.

The white guy has always wondered if the stories about black guys and their huge package is true so he sneaks a peak over at the guy next to him, despite himself he lets out a little gasp seeing that the guy's dick is white!

The black guy turns to him with a quizzical expression on his face?<...

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A wealthy widow decides to get remarried.

So she decides to post an ad in the newspaper.

I am a wealthy widow looking for a new husband. All I ask are three things. 1: he musn't beat me. 2: he musn't walk over me. 3: he must be good in bed. Apply in person at xxx widow's peak.

At 8:00 am the following day, her doorbell rang. W...

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours....

The man who loved baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go throug...

Raisin Bread

An old man walks into a bakery owned by a beautiful young lady that is known for wearing short skirts. He asks the lady for a loaf of raisin bread on the top shelf so that he can take a look up her skirt. Another man walks in and also asks for raisin bread to sneak a peak. A third man walks in and t...

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Submitted this to r/trees and didn't get much love. Maybe you guys will like it more.

One day a doctor decided to do an experiment on 3 people with different vices. He chose a sex addict, an alcoholic and a stoner. He took the sex addict to a room filled with all sorts of women, men and and sex toys that the sex addict could imagine. The doctor told the sex addict that he would check...

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The Hermit

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a hermit who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been know...

Driving through a blizzard with my dad

At the peak of the snow and ice he got out of the car and put two frozen snakes on the windshield. I asked him what he supposed that would do to help and he said "what's wrong son, Never heard of wind chilled vipers?"

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A blonde sits next to a scientist...

On a long flight a scientist ends up sitting next to a blonde. Bored and looking for a bit of amusement the scientist starts chatting with the blonde and realizes that she is dumb as rocks. Once the plane is in the air the scientist offers to play a game with the blonde.

"The rules are very s...

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A white tourist stands beside a Jamaican local at a urinal...

Being a curious man, the white tourist decides to lean over to take a peak at the Jamaican's junk to see if the stereotype lives up to its expectations. Looking over, the tourist notices that the local has the letters "W Y" tattooed on his penis. The tourist says to the local "Hey, is your wife name...

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So a white man is taking a leak in a bar bathroom..

when a black man walks up to the urinal beside him and drops his trousers. Curious, the white man peaks down towards the black mans waist and exclaims "Holy hell! That's the biggest pecker I've ever seen! How do I get one like that?".
The black man chuckles and thinks for a moment and says: "Well...

My favorite joke as a kid

A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck ask...

the lord will save me

So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded.
(Let’s call him father Otis)
when there is a couple of inches of water on the ground a guy on a surfboard comes along and says in a think Mexican accent "father Otis I get you to safety just hop on my board and I take...

A man walks by a mental hospital and hears a group of patients yelling 12! 12! 12!

A man walks by a mental hospital and hears a group of patients yelling 12! 12! 12! behind an old wooden fence. Curious about the commotion, the man walks up and peaks threw a hole in the fence to get a better view and gets poked in the eye. The group yells 13! 13! 13!

Drinking joke from Finland

Pekka and Jukka are sitting in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. For 3 days they are drinking like hell, before they finally run out of booze. So Pekka says to his mate: “Go and look in th shed. Maybe there’s something left we can drink.”
Jukka returns after a few minutes with a bottle of menth...

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