I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other...

...most of them would fall.

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from h...

Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics?

Because we train in the best schools.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?

They meet at work in the morning

>Did you heal about the Polish terrorist that tried to blow up the bus?

He burnt his lips on the ...

A religious man was stuck on top of his house because of a flood

A man came by in a boat and said "Quickly get in or you're gonna drown!"
The religious man said "I don't need saving by you, God will save me!" So the man rowed away.
Another man came by in a boat and said the same thing, but the religious man knew that God would save him so he refused.
...

I heard they just opened a BBQ restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest

Careful though, the steaks are high.

I couldn’t get financing for my idea to open a pub on top of Mt. Everest

Investors felt that I was setting the bar too high.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

What has a bottom on the top ?

Your legs.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Three kings stood at the top of a waterfall...

Just as they were about to jump down a genie popped up and said "this is a magic waterfall, whatever you say as you go down you'll land in"

The first king jumps down and shouts out "gold!" And lands in a giant pile of gold.

The second king jumps down and shouts out "silver!" And sure e...

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

I thought I'd found a perfect way to get to the top of r/Jokes.

Unfortunately the mods won't let me post a picture of you.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

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Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

What did the cholo say when several houses fell on top of him?

"Get off me, homes!"

Getting to the top of r/Jokes is easy.

In fact, you could say it’s a piece of cake.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

You would think that given their discerning tastes and knowledge about what is best that a mansplainer would only drink top shelf liquor.

But they drink well actually.

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf...

I went with the ladder.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

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Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top.

Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

My Son: (kindergarten at the time) Dad, what’s a square with a triangle on top of it?

Me: A house?

Son: No. It’s your mom’s house.

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?

Croutons

What’s a Muslim’s favorite pie topping?

Allah mode

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car

Now everyone waves at me

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During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

No one digs a well at the top of a hill.

What the hell were Jack and Jill really doing up there?

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

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A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

T...

How fast do tops spin?

At top speed!

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

I told my wife she was painting her eyebrows top high.

She looked surprised.

I couldn't make it to the top of the tower in France.

I fell.

every hat is a top hat.

a bottom hat is a shoe

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wi...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

‌‌The man n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e o‌‌n t‌‌his r‌‌ollercoaster w‌‌on't s‌‌top s‌‌creaming.

Its l‌‌ike he's n‌‌ever s‌‌een a‌‌ p‌‌enis b‌‌efore.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have rectal the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

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Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.


URGENTLY!

Top Five Most Evil Dogs in the World

5. There are no evil dogs

4. There are no evil dogs

3. There are no evil dogs

2. There are no evil dogs

1. Chihuahua

A doctor's toilet gets clogged up

He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.

Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!

Plum...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

When I hung my chandelier, I put it all the way at the top of the ceiling.

Some say it’s too high, but it’s the high light of my life.

I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top.

It's was tough in the Gateau

How did the deaf gynecologist make it to the top of his profession?

He's a great lip reader.

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2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

A woman walks into a bar

She sits at the counter and orders a salad with croutons and a creamy dressing.

The waiter delivers her salad, and she hands him a crisp $20 bill. As the waiter walks back to the cash register he holds it to the light and realizes it's a counterfeit! He snaps around to see the woman grabbing ...

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Lonely superman

So one day superman is flying around lonely when he noticed wonder women naked on the beach having what looks like a wet dream.

He figures if he can fly down at the speed of light and do his business she would never even notice. After a few minutes he finally builds the courage and boom he go...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start ...

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Three Hobos are hunkered down around a jungle fire by the railroad tracks

Reminiscing about the windfalls they'd found in their years riding the rails and living the vagabond life. The first hobo said:

"This one time, a train stopped, and I found a whole case of pork and beans. Took some strength to haul it off and hide it, but I had enough chow to make it through ...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

There are two hills, each one with a shepherd with his flock of sheep on the top.

One day, one of the two shepherds loses a sheep and tries to ask to the other one if he saw the animal.

- HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHEEEEP?
The other man seems not answering, so both of them go down their hills to speak better. They're still far from each other, but the first one tries anyway to a...

Top 20 shocking facts you need to know about Triskaidekaphobia!!!

Number 13 will scare you!

What do you call the top part of a dog house?

The woof.

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A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake, Tupid!

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

What do toddlers and paleontologists have in common ?

They both want to know your top 5 favorite dinosaurs

A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun

she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

Our top story today

Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack.

Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head.

Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.

Why did the Mexican take his wife to the top of a cliff?

Tequila

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

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What do you call ten naked men standing on top of each other?

A scrotum pole.

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Three young boys wander into a pharmacy...

The first one: "I wanna have the pink sweets with the jelly filling for 10p"

The old pharmacist pulls out a ladder and climbs the shelf to the top, opens the glass of candy and takes out 6 goodys, climbes down, packs them and hands them to the boy.

"So what do you want?" he asks the se...

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

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Why does Melania have to always be on top?

Because Donald can only fuck up.

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As you grow up, your top proud moment in life is when you can ride your bike without holding onto any handlebars. Your next proudest moment is when...

you can stick your dick in without using any hands. It gets second place because you can't shout out, "Look ma, no hands!"

blondes vs brunette

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and ha...

Some thieves stole all the tiles on top of my house

Roofless

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

This is a presentation of top 10 women I have slept with before

That’s the end of my presentation

If companies made toasters.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You w...

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A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says...

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If you have a meal on top of...

...the leader of the Nazis, does that mean you can say you Adolf Hitler?

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...

The plot thickens...

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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...

‟I need to nispect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.”

I said, ‟Okay, but do not go into that field over there.....”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ‟Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant office...

A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, an...

I sorted by top of all time and copied and pasted the best joke here

I was just about to hit submit and a tow truck came along and hitched onto the back of my car. I jumped out and screamed, *Why are you towing my car?* The tow driver just stared back at me with this dead look in his eye, not saying a thing. *At least tell me where you're bringing my car*, I begged. ...

I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree.

If you don't get it, joke's on yew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

A dad brings his son to the top of a mountain

- Son. Here are my gifts for you.

Shall this hound protect you from any danger...

And just the sound that this staff makes against the ground will make anyone standing on you path step aside...

Also... when I die, everything you can see from here... will be yours.

- I'm b...

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