If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.

They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.

For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a bar at the top floor of a building...

She sits down and orders a drink, she hears a drunk man at the end of the bar talking loud about his drink. So she asks him,

“what are you drinking?”

The man proclaims.

“This is the worlds greatest drink! It gives you powers!”

The woman thinking the man is crazy, simpl...

Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”

Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”

The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get P...

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

Sansa: Hey, so I really like this cute top I saw on Amazon and want it to be delivered through Prime ASAP. What shipping speed shall I select?

Arya: Not two day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich Mexican buisnessman by the name of Jesus bought an apartment at the top floor of Burj Khalifa

He decided to invite his father to view his apartment and have a nice time together.He sent a plane ticket for his father in Mexico, and ordered his personal assistant to wait for him outside the airport.

When the father arrived, the assistant approached him to carry his luggage. The father a...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

She crawled into bed with me, sat on top of me, and bit my ear...

It was my cat. She wanted more fucking food.

If the Top 100 dumbest people on Reddit use Twitter for a day

They will be simultaneously raising the average IQ of both social platforms

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

​

1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

What's white on top and black at the bottom?

Society

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

My friend failed every exam he ever took and didn't complete his studies. Yet, he's rising to the top.

He's a window cleaner

I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

Three guys are at the bottom of God's 100 steps stairs. He tells them that he will say a joke at every step: if someone laughs, this person goes to hell; if someone gets to the top, he goes to heaven.

The first guy laughs at the 10th step, he goes to hell

The second guy loses at the 51st step, he goes to hell

The last guy starts laughing at the 99th step, before God even said the joke, so God asks him why he laughs and the guy answers:I just understood the first joke.

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

I’m going to tattoo a row of rabbits running away on the top of my head.

That way if I go bald everyone can see my receding hare line.

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swe...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum..

And that means that autism causes vaccines.

Which element is the top three?

Podium

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call 20 naked men sitting on top of each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

Have you heard about the ghost who can’t reach the top shelf

He could really use a boo st.

this woman in a tank top and a tight skirt is waiting for the bus

well it comes and she tries to step onto the step only to find out she can’t

She gives the driver the “one moment” sign and proceeds to unzip her skirt and try again, she can’t step up the first step

She once again gives the driver the “one moment” sign and unzips her skirt a little ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy has had bad luck with women in general but to top it off, he also has this obscure fetish where he likes to piss in his s/o’s mouth. So he decides to give tinder a go.

Luckily for Billy, he got a few matches.

His matches didn’t initially know about his fetish, he wanted to disclose that information as things got more frisky.

One by one Billy took his matches on a date which eventually led to them going to his bed. Upon reaching his bed, he’d ask th...

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So I met this smoking hot lady once and after a little chat, she takes her top off

Things were going great, she let me cup her tits, but the second I started sucking on her nipples she says “I’m getting my mammogram done somewhere else”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A squad of British soldiers is stuck on top of a house surrounded by Taliban.

(This does not belong to me, rather it is an excerpt from "The Junior Officers' Reading Club" by Patrick Hennessey)

Now I had it. Was in the middle of it and all I could see was Sherlock standing over me as time slowed with a deafening surprise of his latest burst in a picture of break...

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

On local news this morning: A woman in Dublin escaped a fire in a block of flats by jumping from the top floor onto a trampoline below.

Several times.

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John is walking through the forest and sees a guy sitting on top of a tree.

The guy has his hands forward like holding a handlebar and going " Vrooom, Vrooom, Vrooooooommm "

John is confused but keeps moving forward and comes across another man on a tree ahead doing the same thing. He too has his hands infront of him like holding an imaginary handlebar and going " Vr...

Top ten places to put a toaster in your bathroom.

Number three will shock you!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I gave my Japanese friend a Lacoste top as a gift.

He smiled and said 'Arigato'

I'm fairly certain their logo a crocodile...

What did the Billboard Top 40 artist say when she broke up with her boyfriend before kicking him out of a helicopter?

new single dropping soon!

A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

I rode the elevator to the top floor.

As I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”
“Don’t call me that,” I replied, “you’re not my father.”
“No,” he said, “but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

Top 10 electrical curcuits you shouldn't touch

Number 6 will shock you!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

I'm a transman going for top surgery.

I just have a lot to get off my chest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

Special agent Walter is on a top secret mission.

He's supposed to meet a woman and tell her a code word before hands him a briefcase with classified documents. The meeting is arranged in a public place and he's given a photo of the woman.

He heads to the rendezvous point and awaits her. A few minutes later she arrives. He readies himself fo...

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Why are the top porn searches always for "Teen" and "MILF" age groups?

Because millennials are sick of watching each other get fucked.

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in graphic design

I have over 300 confirmed designs and don't have a single job...

What’s on top of a dogs house?

A woof

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

What do you get when you stack a camera on top of 3 Tide pods?

A tripod

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are being trained to become top CIA agents...

After countless tests and exercises, their trainer tells them “alright this is your final test, if you make this, you will have completed your training and you will become the agent we expect you to be.”

He hands a gun to the first man and tells him “you walk in this room, and you shoot the p...

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Three managers worked in the same office at the top of an 80-storey office building.

One day, they were forced to take the stairs all the way up because the elevator wasn't working. One of them suggested telling one another stories in order to take their minds of their tiredness.

As they were walking up, the first manager told the story about how he met his wife.

At th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made a list of my top jokes of all time. The first ten are great, and the last one is fucking awesome!

1) Great.

2) Great.

3) Great.

4) Great.

5) Great.

6) Great.

7) Great.

8) Great.

9) Great.

10) Great.

11) Fucking Awesome!

The weirdest thing I saw last night was a Redditor tripping and falling on top of a clown.

It was virgin on the ridiculous.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

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A monkey was smoking a blunt at the top of a tree...

When a lizard walking by smells the weed. She looks up and yells "Hey Monkey! Is that you?"

The monkey looks down and says "Oh hey man, come on up and take some hits."

After climbing up, the lizard starts to toke away with the monkey when she starts to get hungry.
She takes a puff a...

How do you top a truck?

..tep on the brakes, tupid.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

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A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do women like to be on top during sex?

They love to watch their men fuck up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

What is United Kingdom's top song for December 2018?

"All I want for Christmas is EU"

What did the butcher say to the customer who wanted meat that was waaaay up on the top shelf?

Sorry but the steaks are too high.

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

A friend got me a rat wearing a tank top for Christmas.

He said, “It’s a gymrat. I hope he works out for you.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think my new girlfriend might be a slut. When I asked her if she preferred being on top or on the bottom during sex, she replied...

"In the middle."

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

There’s a joke about a hot stove top...

But I just can’t put my finger on it .

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle sais?

I'm on a hard case.

(Q).... What do the top r/funny posts & gun ownership have in common?

(A).... Americans get it.....the rest of us *don't*.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 all piled on top of each other

The odds were stacked against me.

My dad told me he worked 3 jobs, had 2 girlfriends, graduated top of his class when he was 21 years old

Nothing is impossible if you can lie

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

Apparently there's a business that allows you to interview in a tank top

I might invest.

The Greatest Dad Joke: Moses goes to the top of the mountain and encounters the Heavenly Father, bewildered Moses exclaims “I’m confused, I don’t know what to call you?”

Gods voice booms back “HELLO CONFUSED, I AM”

What's the most popular top-level domain in Mordor?

.orc

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar..

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

One second I’m at the bottom of the worlds fastest escalator, the next, I’m at the top

Gee, that escalated quickly

The origin of the angel on top of the tree

It must've been the coldest winter ever, with the worst snow storm this world has ever seen brewing in the North Pole on the Eve of Christmas. Santa was bedridden with a nasty stomach bug, and his workshop was short-staffed as many of the elves had contracted ~~herpes from sodomizing each other~~ th...