UPJOKE
neil armstrongtrumpeterthompsonwebbtylerdunnwhitneybryangibbscarautomobilemotorcarbmwminivanvolvo

The first sample of moon dust, collected by Neil Armstrong in 1969, is up for sale for £1m

It's nearly the most expensive bag of dust ever; second only to a bag of Doritos at the movies.

My favorite Louis Armstrong story.

Pops (and his wife at the time) were on a jazz ambassador world tour, and made a stop in Rome. An audience was arranged with the Pope.

As was his frequent wont, Louis smoked a joint in the limo on the way.

He and Mrs Armstrong met the Pope, pleasantries were exchanged, and through an...

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that Lance Armstrong has an NFT?

A Non-functional Testical

Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.

Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!

Back in the 1980s the soviets had their own version of the American toy Stretch Armstrong. They modeled it after their hero, Karl.

The toy was called Stretch Marx.

Neil Armstrong and his team were training for moon expedition at a desert and met an old Native American

The native American asked : Can you do me a favour?

Neil Armstrong : Of course, what do you want?

Native : Please pass this important message to our holy spirits living on the moon

The native American started uttering the message in his tribal language and asked Neil Armstrong t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lance Armstrong only has his Right Testicle

Because the other one Left.

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

Neil never had a girlfriend

So he became Neil Armstrong

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

8 years ago Neil Armstrong died, such a loss for mankind.

My Apollo-gies to his family.

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong *walked on the moon* but Michael Jackson was a *pedophile.*

What did Neil Armstrong do after getting caught harrassing a woman?

He apollogised

A homeless cat kept trying to get into the Armstrong's house.

The couple were heading out for a vacation. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house with the suitcases, they notice the cat dash into the house. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the...

Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service...

and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"

What do I have in common with Lance Armstrong's balls?

Both of us are single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler?

Lance could finish a race

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.

Michal Jackson touched kids

When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is a lot like Lance Armstrongs left testicle.

Shriveled up and died after heavy drug usage.

Lance Armstrong decided to fly to France to fight against the doping allegations against him.

It would have been more convincing if he had taken a plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another Little Johnny joke...

Johnny's teacher is asking trivia questions in class, and letting whoever answers them correctly go home early. One day, she asks, "Who was the first President of the United States?"

Before Johnny can even raise his hand, Billy says, "George Washington!"

"That's correct, Billy," teach...

Does Lance Armstrong enjoy cycling?

Of course he does! He has a ball!

What pen company did Lance Armstrong buy up stock in??

Uniball

Since everyone knows he cheated, Lance Armstrong will only drink at home now.

He just can’t handlebars anymore.

Neil Armstrong would go to parties, tell anecdotes about when he was on the moon, then laugh hysterically at his story, though no one else would understand what was so funny...

So he'd add 'well I guess you had to be there.'

Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix?

There's only one nut in the bag.

I miss having Lance Armstrong at the Olympics

He was dope.

[Request]Lance Armstrong Jokes

So I know it's strange, but apparently I've been asked to find some, so I'm turning to the internet's first authority on jokes. Other non-PC jokes are also welcome, but Lance Armstrong jokes are my top priority, if you would all be so kind. Thank you in advance :)

I met Lance Armstrong after a party

Me: So, Lance, how was the party?
Lance (Pensively glancing at the whisky): I had a ball.

What did the medieval knight say when he got caught doping?

“I was just getting my Lance Armstrong.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life.

I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong ... I think i...

New Year's Eve probably sucks for Lance Armstrong...

He can't enjoy watching the ball drop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Funny Lance Armstrong Joke (#2)

(#1)I just heard that Lance Armstrong got his medals taken away from him for using drugs.. This is crazy because, when I do drugs.. I can't even find my bike.

(#2) I just heard that the Tour De France is trying to eliminate Performance Enhancing Drugs.. Yet, they're sponsored by... Viagra

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

Lance Armstrong finally admitted to doping...

...at least he had the ball to admit it.

Did you hear about Lance Armstrong having a threesome?

He was killing two birds with one stone

One small step for Man

A friend of Neil Armstrong said when you landed on the moon,
in all the excitement, how the hell did you come up with that great saying …

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?

Just Amazing to be able to come up with that, on the spur of the moment!

Neil said i d...

How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish?

One testtickle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

Following the UK entry's "nul points" in last night's Eurovision song contest

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have announced that they are adding £250 to the jackpot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

Wrong Excuse

"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

Why did Neil took a small step

Because he was Armstrong not legstrong

What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it?

Ambu-Lance Armstrong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

I hope someone remembers

To wake Billie Joe Armstrong up today

Do you know who had the second step on the moon ? It was

NEIL ARMSTRONG

He had two legs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.

A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.

As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square ro...

Do you think Neil was tired after flying to the Moon?

Probably not, that’s why they called him Armstrong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and learned they will have to amputate one of my testicles.

Now that's TWO things I share in common with Lance Armstrong.

America cheated going to the moon

Did you know Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin cheated going to the moon?

They took a buzz cut.

My dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up

I said " I want to be an astronaut like the great Neil Armstrong, but instead of going to the moon I'm going to the sun!"

My father called me a dumbass, he told me the sun was too hot and nobody can go to the sun because they will die.

I told him " You're the dumbass pops! I'm going ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Expensive cars and their radios.

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she ...

If you ever feel down in life...

Just remember that you have just as many Tour de France medals as Lance Armstrong, and twice the balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Randolph the Bow-Legged Cowboy

You know George Armstrong Custer
And Frank James and Zorro,
Buffalo Billy, Red Ryder, and Tonto
But do you recall
The most famous cowboy of all?

Randolph, the bow-legged cowboy
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever saw it
You would drop your pants and run

All of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He lays down $500 and says "my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of him" hearing this a man walks up and puts a guitar in front of the octopus.
Puzzled for a sec the octopus grabs it and plays a riff like Jimi Hendrix would play.

Another guy walks up laughs and hands a trump...

So a priest walks by a bunch of children standing around a dog.

> Alright, I can't claim this joke. I took it from the chaplain of the New Orleans Saints doing a workshop. Check out his [talk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIG72_LO7wc), he's pretty cool. www.fathertony.com

There were a couple of kids that were laughing and standing around a dog that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but

Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.