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Lance Armstrong only has his Right Testicle

Because the other one Left.

8 years ago Neil Armstrong died, such a loss for mankind.

My Apollo-gies to his family.

Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.

Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!

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Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.

Michal Jackson touched kids

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

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Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to a...

What do I have in common with Lance Armstrong's balls?

Both of us are single.

What did Neil Armstrong do after getting caught harrassing a woman?

He apollogised

A homeless cat kept trying to get into the Armstrong's house.

The couple were heading out for a vacation. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house with the suitcases, they notice the cat dash into the house. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the...

Why did Neil took a small step

Because he was Armstrong not legstrong

Do you know who had the second step on the moon ? It was

NEIL ARMSTRONG

He had two legs.

What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

A Uniball

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What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler?

Lance could finish a race

When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

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My girlfriend is a lot like Lance Armstrongs left testicle.

Shriveled up and died after heavy drug usage.

Lance Armstrong decided to fly to France to fight against the doping allegations against him.

It would have been more convincing if he had taken a plane.

Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service...

and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"

Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix?

There's only one nut in the bag.

Do you think Neil was tired after flying to the Moon?

Probably not, that’s why they called him Armstrong

I miss having Lance Armstrong at the Olympics

He was dope.

Does Lance Armstrong enjoy cycling?

Of course he does! He has a ball!

Neil Armstrong would go to parties, tell anecdotes about when he was on the moon, then laugh hysterically at his story, though no one else would understand what was so funny...

So he'd add 'well I guess you had to be there.'

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

Why such hate on Lance Armstrong?

I think his riding style is pretty dope.

New Year's Eve probably sucks for Lance Armstrong...

He can't enjoy watching the ball drop.

What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?

An unfortu-naut...
God that was horrible....

I met Lance Armstrong after a party

Me: So, Lance, how was the party?
Lance (Pensively glancing at the whisky): I had a ball.

[Request]Lance Armstrong Jokes

So I know it's strange, but apparently I've been asked to find some, so I'm turning to the internet's first authority on jokes. Other non-PC jokes are also welcome, but Lance Armstrong jokes are my top priority, if you would all be so kind. Thank you in advance :)

Did you hear about Lance Armstrong having a threesome?

He was killing two birds with one stone

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Funny Lance Armstrong Joke (#2)

(#1)I just heard that Lance Armstrong got his medals taken away from him for using drugs.. This is crazy because, when I do drugs.. I can't even find my bike.

(#2) I just heard that the Tour De France is trying to eliminate Performance Enhancing Drugs.. Yet, they're sponsored by... Viagra

Lance Armstrong finally admitted to doping...

...at least he had the ball to admit it.

How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish?

One testtickle

If there's one thing the moon landing did it made household names out of 3 incredible, brave men

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and...the other guy.

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I don't understand why everyone is mad at Lance Armstrong...

Like I give him props... Have you ever tried biking before on drugs? It's fucking hard.

What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it?

Ambu-Lance Armstrong

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The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.

A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.

As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square ro...

My dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up

I said " I want to be an astronaut like the great Neil Armstrong, but instead of going to the moon I'm going to the sun!"

My father called me a dumbass, he told me the sun was too hot and nobody can go to the sun because they will die.

I told him " You're the dumbass pops! I'm going ...

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A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet....

One small step for Man...

Neil Armstrong was asked... when you stepped on the moon... in that enormous moment... how did you come up with the saying...
“ One small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind”... What an incredible quote!!!

He said I never said that!!

I actually said “One small step for man ...

October is finally here...

Can somebody finally wake Billie joe Armstrong up? Sick of being reminded.

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

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Expensive cars and their radios.

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she ...

If you ever feel down in life...

Just remember that you have just as many Tour de France medals as Lance Armstrong, and twice the balls.

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Randolph the Bow-Legged Cowboy

You know George Armstrong Custer
And Frank James and Zorro,
Buffalo Billy, Red Ryder, and Tonto
But do you recall
The most famous cowboy of all?

Randolph, the bow-legged cowboy
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever saw it
You would drop your pants and run

All of th...

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He lays down $500 and says "my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of him" hearing this a man walks up and puts a guitar in front of the octopus.
Puzzled for a sec the octopus grabs it and plays a riff like Jimi Hendrix would play.

Another guy walks up laughs and hands a trump...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but

Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything.

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