What’s the difference between Tom Brady and Lance Armstrong?

Lance Armstrong cheats with only one deflated ball.

Neil Armstrong and his team were training for moon expedition at a desert and met an old Native American

The native American asked : Can you do me a favour?

Neil Armstrong : Of course, what do you want?

Native : Please pass this important message to our holy spirits living on the moon

The native American started uttering the message in his tribal language and asked Neil Armstrong t...

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

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Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?

Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.

What did Neil Armstrong do after getting caught harrassing a woman?

He apollogised

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Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to a...

When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

Lance Armstrong decided to fly to France to fight against the doping allegations against him.

It would have been more convincing if he had taken a plane.

Since everyone knows he cheated, Lance Armstrong will only drink at home now.

He just can’t handlebars anymore.

What pen company did Lance Armstrong buy up stock in??

Uniball

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My girlfriend is a lot like Lance Armstrongs left testicle.

Shriveled up and died after heavy drug usage.

Why did Billie Joe Armstrong smell so nice whilst walking down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams?

He wore cologne, he wore cologne.

A homeless cat kept trying to get into the Armstrong's house.

The couple were heading out for a vacation. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house with the suitcases, they notice the cat dash into the house. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the...

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Funny Neil Armstrong joke

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-...

Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service...

and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

I miss having Lance Armstrong at the Olympics

He was dope.

[Request]Lance Armstrong Jokes

So I know it's strange, but apparently I've been asked to find some, so I'm turning to the internet's first authority on jokes. Other non-PC jokes are also welcome, but Lance Armstrong jokes are my top priority, if you would all be so kind. Thank you in advance :)

Why such hate on Lance Armstrong?

I think his riding style is pretty dope.

Neil Armstrong would go to parties, tell anecdotes about when he was on the moon, then laugh hysterically at his story, though no one else would understand what was so funny...

So he'd add 'well I guess you had to be there.'

What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler?

Lance could finish a race

Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix?

There's only one nut in the bag.

What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?

An unfortu-naut...
God that was horrible....

New Year's Eve probably sucks for Lance Armstrong...

He can't enjoy watching the ball drop.

I met Lance Armstrong after a party

Me: So, Lance, how was the party?
Lance (Pensively glancing at the whisky): I had a ball.

Did you hear about Lance Armstrong having a threesome?

He was killing two birds with one stone

Lance Armstrong finally admitted to doping...

...at least he had the ball to admit it.

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Funny Lance Armstrong Joke (#2)

(#1)I just heard that Lance Armstrong got his medals taken away from him for using drugs.. This is crazy because, when I do drugs.. I can't even find my bike.

(#2) I just heard that the Tour De France is trying to eliminate Performance Enhancing Drugs.. Yet, they're sponsored by... Viagra

How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish?

One testtickle

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I don't understand why everyone is mad at Lance Armstrong...

Like I give him props... Have you ever tried biking before on drugs? It's fucking hard.

What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it?

Ambu-Lance Armstrong

One small step for Man...

Neil Armstrong was asked... when you stepped on the moon... in that enormous moment... how did you come up with the saying...
“ One small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind”... What an incredible quote!!!

He said I never said that!!

I actually said “One small step for man ...

October is finally here...

Can somebody finally wake Billie joe Armstrong up? Sick of being reminded.

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A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Since it was such a crappy day...

... I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life – and came to realize that as I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Expensive cars and their radios.

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she ...

If you ever feel down in life...

Just remember that you have just as many Tour de France medals as Lance Armstrong, and twice the balls.

My people believe there are spirits on the moon. Would you please take them a message from me? (x-post from r/space)

On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the surface of the moon. In the months leading up to their expedition, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. The area is home to several Native American communities, and there is a story –...

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Randolph the Bow-Legged Cowboy

You know George Armstrong Custer
And Frank James and Zorro,
Buffalo Billy, Red Ryder, and Tonto
But do you recall
The most famous cowboy of all?

Randolph, the bow-legged cowboy
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever saw it
You would drop your pants and run

All of th...

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He lays down $500 and says "my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of him" hearing this a man walks up and puts a guitar in front of the octopus.
Puzzled for a sec the octopus grabs it and plays a riff like Jimi Hendrix would play.

Another guy walks up laughs and hands a trump...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but

Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything.

So a priest walks by a bunch of children standing around a dog.

> Alright, I can't claim this joke. I took it from the chaplain of the New Orleans Saints doing a workshop. Check out his [talk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIG72_LO7wc), he's pretty cool. www.fathertony.com

There were a couple of kids that were laughing and standing around a dog that...