I rear ended an Audi the other day

Now it's an Innie

Did u hear about the Mexican who drove his Audi into a lake?

Quattro Sinko...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
...

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A family of 5 in an Audi Quattro are driving through the south of Italy.

They stop for a ferry to Sicilia. A worker tells them to stop.

The driver says, "Why should we stop?"

The worker replies with, "You know, its illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.

D (driver): Why?

W(worker): Quattro means 4. There are 5 of you, one will have to stay behi...

What's the difference between a hedgehog and an Audi?

The pricks are inside the audi

What’s the best part of Audi’s customer service?

The answer within four rings

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What type of belly button does a car have?

An Audi.

A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys

The Audi Partner.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

Audi showrooms are so chaotic

They're like a four ring circus

What do you call a rich brown person driving an Audi?

A Saudi

I wanted to buy an Audi.

But I can't A4'd it.

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked....

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy....

Inspector: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.....

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Not sure, changes with seasons...

How does a German cowboy say hello?

Audi.

My next door neighbour has just bought an Audi, a Toyota and 2 BMW's.

I think he's got car owner virus.

What kind of car does Megan Thee Stallion drive?

An Audi Audi Audi Audi Audi Audi


(I'm sorry)

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F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.

A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".

He sits down, ...

What do you call an Audi that was in a head on collision?

An innie.

So my country friend has got one of those new german 4x4 pickup trucks.

It's called the Audi Pardner.

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.

Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies in disbelieve. "Look ...

What does a a cowboy car salesman say

*tips hat* Audi

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom,

And he says "Audi!"

New car factory in USA

As I understand it the Audi car company are opening a new factory in Texas to produce a new SUV to be called the Audi Neighbour.

A lady hits a car.

She calls her husband and says: " Honey, dear there's been a little fender bender. By the way, what is a bug audi? "

A rich mother in law has 3 daughters who are married off to 3 men....

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day h...

My boss pulled up in his brand new Audi today

My boss pulled up in his brand new Audi today
and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.”

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A man is speeding down a country lane...

At one point the police stops him.

"I have to get you a speeding ticket!"

The man begs him to turn a blind eye ...

The policeman replies: "Look ... I really like riddles. If you know exactly how to answer this riddle, I won't get you a ticket!"

The man gets ready up and c...

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

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Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

What's a cowboy's favorite vehicle?

Audi, partner.

Two guys were talking about an attractive female coworker

Bob: Why do you like her?

John: She likes guys who drive Audis

Bob: Do you have an Audi?

John: No. But she obviously likes having somebody right up her rear end

I bought my cat a new car

It's a me-audi

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

Some German cars are very quiet.

They are barely audi-ble

I saw the rarest beast on the way home from work yesterday.

An Audi driver actually used his signal while changing lanes.

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

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Merlot.

Heard this one a while back, haven't seen it on Reddit yet so here it is. Long.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said. "The gentleman seated over there....and in...

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A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

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What type of belly buttons do cars have?

Audi's.

What do you call a car made in Texas?

A H’audi

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A farmer had a

Audi Quattro in his garage. He did maintained his car very well. Also he had a horse and few chickens and their chicks. On his field he dug a pitt . Once the chicken were scratching the ground near the pitt for seed and worms the chicks were following them .While doing this the chicks fell into the...

My Texan friends really seem to love German cars.

Every time I see them, they smile, wave real friendly-like and say, "Audi!"

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A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop, however, is a riddle lover and tells the man that he would be free to go without a ticket if he solved his riddle correctly.
The man accepted, and the cop told him: "you're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side you see two lights coming towards you. What is it?"
...

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A trucker walks into a bar demanding 2 beers...

he takes the first one, gargles and spit it back in the glass, then starts spitting on the ground. This goes on for about 10 minutes, till the barkeeper asks him "Buddy are you ok?". "Yeah" he replied "I just drove my truck in a ditch and some european asshole with his Audi A6 came along asking me i...

A driver is stopped by the police...

...and the officer asks whether he's drunk or took any drugs. The driver denies but the policeman wants to investigate further and starts asking questions:

Officer: "You see two lights in the distance, what's that?"

Man: "A car, of course"

Officer: "yeah, but what car? A Mercede...

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Horse's dick

Horse & chicken were best friends. One day, horse fell into a hole. Chicken called a farmer who used his Audi Q7 Quattro to pull out the horse, horse became very happy & thought someday he will return the favour.

Then one day the chicken fell into the hole. The horse lowered his dick ...

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