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BMW thinks of everything

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says ...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

What's the difference between a rose and a BMW?

A rose has pricks on the outside.

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I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

What is the only time you see BMWs using their turn signals?

The driving examiner is sitting on the front passenger seat.

If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

If you ever feel useless...

...just remember that somewhere in Germany, there’s a guy whose job is to install turn signals in BMWs.

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.

When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about...

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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

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The new Toyota Supra was engineered in cooperation with BMW.

I’m not saying I don’t like it, I’m just worried because of the last time Germany and Japan teamed up.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

BMW drivers always use their signals

The light they give off just can't be seen by the poor.

I think I can finally buy a BMW.

I got a new high paying job with a large bonus. My investments are doing well. And most importantly, I haven't used my turn signal in the last 6 months.

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

BMW

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue li...

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid...

Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

An old man bought a New BMW

and is driving on the Highway, 110mph,
125...
150
when there suddenly is blue light behind him.
He thinks to himself:"I am 87 and have a New car, I try to outpace him."
After a few minutes of chasing, He reaches 160mph.
He reconsiders :" Whatever, I am too old for this." and pul...

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What does a BMW have in common with a hemorrhoid?

Eventually every asshole gets one.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold plated butt plug, but some engineers at BMW beat me to it.

I guess they are already making overpriced toys for assholes.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has its pricks on the outside...

I remembered this joke after a Prick in a BMW was driving today in a strip mall like killing pedestrians is a tax write off.

I guess this prick didn’t want to get stuck in traffic...

What does BMW stand for?

Break my wallet

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What's the smallest part in a BMW?

The driver's penis

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

Why do blondes like BMW's over Chevrolet's?

They can spell BMW.

I heard that some colorblind people see red as yellow..

God only knows why all of these people bought BMWs.

Chicken and a Horse

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ti...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of his office...

... ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions...

[OC] What's the difference between a BMW and a horse?

Blinkers actually serve a purpose on a horse.

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

BMW raided over emissions scandal /r/news

Investigators discovered huge stockpile of uninstalled turn signal controllers.

BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.

The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any...

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

A guy goes to his doctor for elbow pain...

The doctor gives him a specimen cup and requests a urine sample. “But doc, I’ve got elbow pain, why do you need a urine sample?”
Doc assures him,”we have the latest in technology, just go to the men’s room and give me a sample”, which he does. The doctor pours it in the top of a complex analysis ...

If you ever feel that your job is pointless...

Just remember that there is someone out there in a BMW factory installing turn signals.



Credit to /u/Snorkels721 , just sharing the golden comment

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

Not making it up: I actually saw a turn signal used on a BMW.

I'm guessing it was borrowed.

BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

New BMWs don't have a dipstick located in the engine anymore

They're now located in the driver seat

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

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BMW Shopping

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident...

I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today.

That was the joke.

I went to test drive a BMW

The sales person said I didn't tailgate enough to own one

A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls...

Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.

But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:

'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '

'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'

That's three agains two now.

You're right... Go home grand...

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NSFW A pig was driving his BMW... NSFW

A pig was driving his BMW down a country road when he sees a baby chick stuck in the mud. He tosses a rope to her and ties the other end to his car and pulls the chick out.



The next day a horse was walking down the same road and sees another baby chick stuck in the mud. He had the ch...

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Change of Plans!

This little boy was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents' bedroom, so he decided to investigate. He nudged the door slowly forward and as he entered his parents' bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad screwing for all they were worth.

"Dad! Da...

For Sale: 5yr old BMW

Turn signals like new!

What do you get when BMW, Volkswagen, and Callaway design a car together?

A Mini Golf.

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

What do you call a blonde in a BMW?

Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)

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