UPJOKE
sedanbmw x3bmw icrossovercoupevolvomercedesvolkswagenchevroletaudisuvhondahyundaimazdaheadquarters

When a BMW owner learns to drive...

What kind of car do they switch to?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Guy buys a BMW

This guy had just bought a BMW M5 and decided to take it out and open it up. He was cruising along Dutch roads just admiring the beautiful scenery.


He decided to see how it ran at speed, so he took it up to 110kph. It felt great. Then up to 145kph. Then he saw the flashing lights in his...

A man in his mid forties brought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW", he thought to himself and increased the speed even further.

The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally the reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from ...

How do you fit ten clowns in a bmw

Chainsaw

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a BMW and a dead prostitute?

- i don't have a BMW in my garage...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

So BMW made a funny SUV

XD

I use BMW to go to work

Bus

Metro

Walk

How many BMW drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn’t matter, they won’t use their blinker anyways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys were sitting on a curb, admiring a parked Cadillac, Mercedes and BMW.[NSFW]

The first kid says “man, I’m going to keep practicing my three point shot so I can go to the NBA, and buy a Cadillac like that one.” Second kid says “I’m going to go to college, get a good job, and buy a Mercedes.” The last kid says “I wish I had a nice pussy.” The first two kids exclaim “WTF you wa...

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

How many Mexicans can you fit in the trunk of a BMW?

I need the answer asap. I am about to cross the border.

A lawyer goes to attend a function in his BMW.

On reaching there, he meets a friend and starts talking, his car parked nearby. A car suddenly comes crashing into his BMW, nearly taking a door off. The lawyer, howls at the top of his lungs, "LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO MY BEAMER!!" His friend remarks, "You lawyers are so pathetically materialisti...

Do you ever feel useless?

You could be some German factory worker installing blinkers on a new BMW.

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

Modern cars are always bloated with unnecessary add ons

I mean, who needs turn signals on a BMW.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

I was driving behind a BMW in which the driver was signalling all the turns ...

If you own one and your license plate is CJKM6144, your car has been stolen!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A old man with a old pickup crashed into a BMW

The BMW owner said "what the fuck! Are you blind?" And the old man said "relax man!"

" How do you think that I can be relaxed, you just crashed my car! "

" Look, I produce a delicious craft beer at my house, take a bottle and chill"

He drinks the bottle and likes it, so he asks ...

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

Elephant has a trunk up front and a**hole in the back.

My brother told me this yesterday: "I take a BMW back from school everyday"

"Huh?"

"Well, first I take the **bus** , then I take the **MRT** and finally I walk"

^(Not sure if y'all find this funny just wanted to share :>)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BMW thinks of everything

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says ...

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid...

My neighbour recently bought a BMW, a Volkswagen, 2 Fords, a Toyota and a Chrysler...

I think he's got the car-owners virus.

What do you do if you see a BMW using a turn signal?

Call the police, it's obviously stolen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do BMWs and Vaginas have in common?

Dicks like to drive in them.

I hardly drive anywhere yet have recently bought a Ferrari, a BMW, an RX-7, a Mercedes-Benz and an Aston Martin.

I clearly have the car owner virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three automobile managers at the urinal

The first goes to the sink and dries his hands with so many paper towels that not even the smallest droplet remains. "At Opel, we learn to be extremely thorough," he says.


The second uses only one towel for this and remarks: "At BMW, we also learn to be extremely efficient."


T...

I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a car owner virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold plated butt plug, but some engineers at BMW beat me to it.

I guess they are already making overpriced toys for assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

I sold my Porsche Macan and my BMW 330i today. I kept my bicycle.

I don't want to get the Car Owner virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the smallest part in a BMW?

The driver's penis

Why do blondes like BMW and GMCs?

They can spell it

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of his office...

... ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a BMW have in common with a hemorrhoid?

Eventually every asshole gets one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

I think I can finally buy a BMW.

I got a new high paying job with a large bonus. My investments are doing well. And most importantly, I haven't used my turn signal in the last 6 months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

An old man bought a New BMW

and is driving on the Highway, 110mph,
125...
150
when there suddenly is blue light behind him.
He thinks to himself:"I am 87 and have a New car, I try to outpace him."
After a few minutes of chasing, He reaches 160mph.
He reconsiders :" Whatever, I am too old for this." and pul...

If you ever think your job is pointless...

... think about the guy mounting turn signals on BMWs

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman meets the Italian

One day, a woman has a date with a French guy at his hotel room, floor 10. The french guy makes the balcony in a romantic mood, wine, food so the woman can enjoy the time with him.

After some time, woman asks the french guy:

Woman: If I would be your girlfriend, how would you treat me?...

A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.

The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any...

What does BMW stand for?

Break my wallet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need a transfusion.

 

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the ...

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...

The drivers.

Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

What did the young Honda say to the old BMW?

Ok beemer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BMW Shopping

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident...

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

What's the difference between Fireflies and BMW Drivers.

Fireflies use their blinkers.

BMW drivers always use their signals

The light they give off just can't be seen by the poor.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new Toyota Supra was engineered in cooperation with BMW.

I’m not saying I don’t like it, I’m just worried because of the last time Germany and Japan teamed up.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has its pricks on the outside...

I remembered this joke after a Prick in a BMW was driving today in a strip mall like killing pedestrians is a tax write off.

I guess this prick didn’t want to get stuck in traffic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy applies for their driving license

Before starting practicing, of course, they had to pass a theoretical test.

The teacher asks them: «You're on the road at night, and you see 2 lights. What is it?»

And the student answers: «It's a car».

The teacher says: «It narrows down too little. Is it a BMW? A Mercedes? A Fo...

A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls...

BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

BMW raided over emissions scandal /r/news

Investigators discovered huge stockpile of uninstalled turn signal controllers.

BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

So a BMW rolls up on a tesla and says "you wouldn't even run without all those fancy computers and screens"

The tesla responds "OK BEAMER!"”

[OC] What's the difference between a BMW and a horse?

Blinkers actually serve a purpose on a horse.

I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today.

That was the joke.

What do you call a blonde in a BMW?

Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.