What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine.

With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Whats the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?

The hedgehog's prick is on the outside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

BMW drivers always use their signals

The light they give off just can't be seen by the poor.

Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a BMW have in common with a hemorrhoid?

Eventually every asshole gets one.

An old man bought a New BMW

and is driving on the Highway, 110mph,
125...
150
when there suddenly is blue light behind him.
He thinks to himself:"I am 87 and have a New car, I try to outpace him."
After a few minutes of chasing, He reaches 160mph.
He reconsiders :" Whatever, I am too old for this." and pul...

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW out the car sales room .

Taking off down the motor-way , he floored it to 90 , enjoying the wind blowing through . Amazing he thought as he flew down the Motor Way, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him , blue light flashing, siren blaring .
''I can get away from him - no problem!'' He floored i...

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the smallest part in a BMW?

The driver's penis

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has its pricks on the outside...

I remembered this joke after a Prick in a BMW was driving today in a strip mall like killing pedestrians is a tax write off.

I guess this prick didn’t want to get stuck in traffic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold plated butt plug, but some engineers at BMW beat me to it.

I guess they are already making overpriced toys for assholes.

What does BMW stand for?

Break my wallet

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

Why do blondes like BMW's over Chevrolet's?

They can spell BMW.

Chicken and a Horse

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ti...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before !

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does...

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...

The drivers.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of his office...

... ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions...

I heard that some colorblind people see red as yellow..

God only knows why all of these people bought BMWs.

[OC] What's the difference between a BMW and a horse?

Blinkers actually serve a purpose on a horse.

There’s a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light

It’s the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.

BMW raided over emissions scandal /r/news

Investigators discovered huge stockpile of uninstalled turn signal controllers.

A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.

The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any...

BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

What do you call a crocodile driving a BMW?

A tailgator.

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue ligh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.

"What's the story?" she asked.

"Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied.

"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

Not making it up: I actually saw a turn signal used on a BMW.

I'm guessing it was borrowed.

BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

BMW Shopping

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident...

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.

But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:

'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '

'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'

That's three agains two now.

You're right... Go home grand...

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NSFW A pig was driving his BMW... NSFW

A pig was driving his BMW down a country road when he sees a baby chick stuck in the mud. He tosses a rope to her and ties the other end to his car and pulls the chick out.



The next day a horse was walking down the same road and sees another baby chick stuck in the mud. He had the ch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer was getting out of his BMW one day...

...when an 18 wheeler came by and ripped the door right off his car. He quickly called the police, and when a patrol car arrived he began a rant, screaming
"Cahps, cahps, look what they did to mah beemah!"

The cop replies "You lawyers are so materialistic! Haven't you noticed you left arm ...

For Sale: 5yr old BMW

Turn signals like new!

Sure, the BMW symbol kind of looks like a sphincter, but

I could already tell by the way you were driving.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Change of Plans!

This little boy was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents' bedroom, so he decided to investigate. He nudged the door slowly forward and as he entered his parents' bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad screwing for all they were worth.

"Dad! Da...

A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls...

Why would you rather run into a bmw driver than a cactus?

Because it's easier to deal with just one prick

What do you call a blonde in a BMW?

Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

Man in a BMW pulls up next to a kid in the street...

and says, "Excuse me, lad. If I give you 5 bucks will you come in my car?"

Kid says, "Give me 10 and I'll come in your mouth!"

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

A Math Professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion

A math professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion. The prof arrives in a small yellow Volkswagen, the engineer arrives in a BMW and the butcher arrives in a Ferrari.

After a bit of small talk the prof and the engineer asks the butcher how he got to buy such a gr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anger Management: It Really Works!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dial...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a BMW?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.



....and if I did, I *probably* wouldn't masturbate in it.

What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage?

The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels.

An Irish man knocks on an old lady’s door.

He asks her, is there any work I can do for you?

She says yeah can you paint the porch

He agrees and she gets him some paint.

Some time later he comes back and says, “I’m finished, but It’s not a porch it’s a BMW

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse

Both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared
for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go
get the farmer for help!


Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
far...

Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.

"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never m...

The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

Three men die and go to heaven...

God is waiting for them and asks them to answer a question, as that will decide what kind of car they get to drive.

God asks the men, How long were you married?

Man 1: 20 years
God: Amazing, and how many times did you cheat on your wife?
Man 1: Umm... 5 times...
God : Okay,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly abrand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, ayoung man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly howmany sheep you h...