Some guy tried selling me his '97 Honda for $30,000

Needless to say, I left him to his own Accord

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

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For my next car, I’m planning to get a Honda directly from Japan and pay the required tariffs.

It’s..my Civic Duty.

Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it.

“For I do not speak of my own accord.”

How do you tie two Hondas together?

With Accord.

I heard that new drivers in the US are by law obliged to get an old Honda as their first car.

They call it civic duty.

Schools are using Honda compact cars for Drivers Ed.

I think that's cool. Kids learn to drive, and get a class in Civics at the same time.

There are rumours that the reason I'm leaving the company is because I was fired for breaking the windshield of my boss's Honda car...

the truth is... It's of my own Accord

My daughter called to tell me she saw a man driving a fast car made of macaroni and cheese.

She was doing 80 in a Honda and he was driving pasta.
E: my first (I think) original dad joke. Don’t slaughter me

What did the young Honda say to the old BMW?

Ok beemer

Honda vs Harley

A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a big-old
motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, "Hey little girl, do you want to go
for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, "Hey kid, I wi...

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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on t...

3 guys end up at the pearly gates...

St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley D...

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I THINK I’m In TROUBLE

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."...

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So a guy and a girl are making out and begin having sex on the hood of her Honda civic, suddenly the man stops.

He said, im sorry i can only only have sex on my own Accord

3 men die and go to heaven....

Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."

The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.

The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was fa...

What did the pirate say to his wife after he got back from the Honda dealer?

We have an Accord.

How do we know the Apostles drove a Honda?

“When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one accord.”

I thought a man was taking the wheels off my Honda

Turns out he was doing it on his own accord

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What's a prostitute doing in the back of a honda?

Her civic duties, of course.

If Jesus drove a car, what kind would it be?

A CHRYSLER! He also had a Honda, but never told anybody for he does not speak of his own Accord.

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Fart Joke

A guy goes to Japan for business and his Japanese hosts take him out and show him a good time. The next day he wakes up and as usual needs to fart BUT when he farts his fart goes "Honda" That day he has some business meetings and he keeps needing to fart and every time he farts it goes "Honda" The g...

Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?

It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

Did you know that Bruce Willis has owned more than 100 Hondas?

His favourite was the fifth Element.

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

What do you call a cross between a Toyota and a Honda?

A cross. A priest must have dropped it.

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

I had to sell my Honda

Guess I am out of my element now

Why does Kendrick Lamar like to roll past the police in a Honda?

Because they can't take him out his Element

Little Johnny's b day

It was little Johnny's 8th b day. His mom was about to take a shower when little Johnny asked her if he can shower with her.

Little Johnny's mom said no.
Johnny said that it was her b day and she finally said yes.

In the shower little Johnny looked up a little and asked his mom wh...

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What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda?

Civic doody.

A guy pulled up next to me in his Honda on a scorching day....

.... and asked if he could fry and egg on the hood of my black car on a dare.

I looked back at him incredulously and said "Why not do it on your own Accord?"

Honda made a car called the CRX before. Now they make one called the CRZ.

They skipped the one in the middle because the prototype was so bad, it made them CRY.

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I imported a Honda directly from Japan and was forced to pay a large tariff...

...that's OK though because it's my Civic duty.

Jesus drove a Honda, but never talked about it.

For I did not speak of my own Accord -John 12:49
His Old Man had a Plymouth--He drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Of all the trials of Job, the worst was a Pontiac.
For he breaketh me with a Tempest, and multiplieth my wounds without cause. -Job 9:17

What's the difference between a honda and a Porsche?

Paul Walker wouldn't be caught dead in a Honda

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

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Farting Honda

A sales rep for an American auto parts supplier was in Tokyo for an important meeting with the chairman of Toyota to close a huge deal. After he got to his hotel, he farted and strangely it sounded like his ass said "Honda". Puzzled, he forced out another fart and sure enough it came out "hooonda". ...

3 guys die and go to heaven

The first one gets to the gates and God says, “ok i see youve been married 10 years. During that time you cheated on your wife 1 time.” God proceeds to give the man a BMW to drive around heaven.

The second man gets to the gates and God says, “i see you were married 20 years. During that time ...

A man was walking along the road when he saw a Native American with his ears to the ground, muttering words.

The man walked over and listened to what the Native American was saying.


The Native American was muttering: "Big minivan, blue Honda, man driving with dog, Colorado license plate, travel 125 mile a hour."



The man was surprised and asked the Native American how he knows th...

So I told my wife I'm buying a new car...

Me: So sick of my car. I'm sellin it & buying a Honda—like Jesus

Wife: Jesus didnt have a Honda🤔

M: He was just humble about it

W: No he wasnt—b/c he didnt have a Honda

M: Really?? Then why’d Jesus say in John 12:49, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."

😅

Simple misunderstanding

This couple are looking to buy a new car. They see this wonderful Honda for a decent price and a salesman shows them around. The couple ask “Cargo Space?” The salesman says “The car? No! This car can’t fly”

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

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A Japanese guy takes a taxi to the airport In the US.

During the journey, a Honda zooms past the taxi. The man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda’s are very fast because they’re made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota’s are very fast because they...

Dammit

Three men were riding a golf cart and it crashed, killing them all. When they got to the gates of heaven, Peter said: "I have to ask you all a question before you go in. "

So he asks the first guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

He replied: "No, I have been a good and faithful h...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates.

Jesus says, "Congratulations, you've all made it to heaven. However, God decided to replace the stairway to heaven with a 100-mile highway. How loyal you were to your spouse in your life decides the quality of the vehicle you get."

The first man walks up to Jesus. He says, "I was completely l...

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

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What do you get when you mix Nintendo and Japanese cars?

Super Honda Odyssey

I’m sorry

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I used to drink absinthe

I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working that well

So I put a Honda sticker on it so it would suck more

Three men arrive at a checkpoint near the gates of heaven

The first man walks up to god, who is reading the summary of his deeds before deciding which vehicle he is to use to drive to heavens gates with.

"I see you were quite unfaithful with your wife, cheating on her a total of three times." The man looks down in shame. "You are to drive up to heav...

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A Japanese tourist in Malaysia calls for a taxi to get to the airport

On the way, a Toyota overtakes the taxi on the road. The Japanese tourist sees this and says: “Wa! Toyota! Made in Japan, very fast!”

After this, a Mitsubishi flies by the little taxi. The Japanese tourist says: “Wa! Mitsubishi! Made in Japan, very fast!”

Then a Nissan passes by, and...

A man goes to the hospital because his flatulence sounds unusual...

When he arrives, the doctor takes him straight into his office and asks him to fart. After a lot of straining the man manages to let out a little one. It sounds like a person, whispering the word 'Honda'.

The doctor almost immediately proclaims that he knows exactly what the problem is, and r...

3 guys die and go to heaven...

St. Peter was at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. ". St. Peter smiled and ...

What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive?

A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend)

Three men die and go to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that he will ask each of them a question and that their answer will determine how they will get around in heaven.

He asks the first man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “No, never!” St. Peter says, “Good man, I will give you a F...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

A collection of Waspy jokes about yo-mamma

1. Your mother is so déclassé, she has a time-share
near Sea World!

2. Your mother is so prescription drug dependent,
she pops Xanax like Godiva bonbons!

3. Your mother is so lower middle-class, she thinks
Egyptian cotton smells of camels!

4. Your mother...

3 friends die and go to heaven...

Three friends are on a road trip and crash a die. At the gates of St. Peter the first on is called up by St. Peter. St. Peter tell the first friend, John, "You cheated on your wife 12 times?" John admits this. "John is then handed keys to a Honda." John asks Peter what they keys are for and he repli...

A guy unfortunately becomes a widower, wants to put an obituary in the local paper...

... He rings them up, asks how much it costs.
"One dollar per word", says the clerk.
"Ok, here's the message: "Martha dead"
The clerk pauses and replies:
"You know, people normally say a bit more. If it's the price, yaknow, we have a special on now, pay for 3, get 3 free."
"...

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