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My wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused, if I'm going to have sex it's going to be on my own Accord

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What do you call an old Honda full of dildos?

A prelude of things to cum

I thought a man was taking the wheels off my Honda

Turns out he was doing it on his own accord

Jesus drove a Honda...

... but didn’t like to talk about it.

“For I did not speak of my own accord”
John 12:49a

Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?

It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord

Did you know that Bruce Willis has owned more than 100 Hondas?

His favourite was the fifth Element.

When do Honda owners not argue about anything?

When they're in Accords.

How do we know Jesus drove a Honda and was modest about it?

Jesus: "For I did not speak of my own accord"

My mayor claims he's a Honda dealer...

He calls his dealership the Civic Centre

Why does Kendrick Lamar like to roll past the police in a Honda?

Because they can't take him out his Element

I had to sell my Honda

Guess I am out of my element now

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What's a blonde call a blowjob in a Honda?

Her Civic duty.

What do you call a cross between a Toyota and a Honda?

A cross. A priest must have dropped it.

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

Did you hear about that guy who was crushed by his Honda?

Police say he died of his own Accord.

What the pirate said when he left the Honda dealer...

We have an Accord.

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What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda?

Civic doody.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year?

He's leaving of his own accord.

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Farting Honda

A sales rep for an American auto parts supplier was in Tokyo for an important meeting with the chairman of Toyota to close a huge deal. After he got to his hotel, he farted and strangely it sounded like his ass said "Honda". Puzzled, he forced out another fart and sure enough it came out "hooonda". ...

A guy pulled up next to me in his Honda on a scorching day....

.... and asked if he could fry and egg on the hood of my black car on a dare.

I looked back at him incredulously and said "Why not do it on your own Accord?"

Honda made a car called the CRX before. Now they make one called the CRZ.

They skipped the one in the middle because the prototype was so bad, it made them CRY.

What's the difference between a honda and a Porsche?

Paul Walker wouldn't be caught dead in a Honda

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I imported a Honda directly from Japan and was forced to pay a large tariff...

...that's OK though because it's my Civic duty.

A man was walking along the road when he saw a Native American with his ears to the ground, muttering words.

The man walked over and listened to what the Native American was saying.


The Native American was muttering: "Big minivan, blue Honda, man driving with dog, Colorado license plate, travel 125 mile a hour."



The man was surprised and asked the Native American how he knows th...

So I told my wife I'm buying a new car...

Me: So sick of my car. I'm sellin it & buying a Honda—like Jesus

Wife: Jesus didnt have a Honda🤔

M: He was just humble about it

W: No he wasnt—b/c he didnt have a Honda

M: Really?? Then why’d Jesus say in John 12:49, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."

😅

3 guys die and go to heaven

The first one gets to the gates and God says, “ok i see youve been married 10 years. During that time you cheated on your wife 1 time.” God proceeds to give the man a BMW to drive around heaven.

The second man gets to the gates and God says, “i see you were married 20 years. During that time ...

Simple misunderstanding

This couple are looking to buy a new car. They see this wonderful Honda for a decent price and a salesman shows them around. The couple ask “Cargo Space?” The salesman says “The car? No! This car can’t fly”

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A man sees a doctor about his weird sounding flatulence

The Japanese doctor asked to hear it. So the guys rips one and it goes honda, honda, honda, honda.
The doctor says, Ahh yes, I know problem. You have abscess.
Abscess makes fart go Honda.

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A Japanese guy takes a taxi to the airport In the US.

During the journey, a Honda zooms past the taxi. The man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda’s are very fast because they’re made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota’s are very fast because they...

Dammit

Three men were riding a golf cart and it crashed, killing them all. When they got to the gates of heaven, Peter said: "I have to ask you all a question before you go in. "

So he asks the first guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

He replied: "No, I have been a good and faithful h...

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What do you get when you mix Nintendo and Japanese cars?

Super Honda Odyssey

I’m sorry

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working that well

So I put a Honda sticker on it so it would suck more

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

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I used to drink absinthe

I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates.

Jesus says, "Congratulations, you've all made it to heaven. However, God decided to replace the stairway to heaven with a 100-mile highway. How loyal you were to your spouse in your life decides the quality of the vehicle you get."

The first man walks up to Jesus. He says, "I was completely l...

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A Japanese tourist in Malaysia calls for a taxi to get to the airport

On the way, a Toyota overtakes the taxi on the road. The Japanese tourist sees this and says: “Wa! Toyota! Made in Japan, very fast!”

After this, a Mitsubishi flies by the little taxi. The Japanese tourist says: “Wa! Mitsubishi! Made in Japan, very fast!”

Then a Nissan passes by, and...

Three men arrive at a checkpoint near the gates of heaven

The first man walks up to god, who is reading the summary of his deeds before deciding which vehicle he is to use to drive to heavens gates with.

"I see you were quite unfaithful with your wife, cheating on her a total of three times." The man looks down in shame. "You are to drive up to heav...

A man goes to the hospital because his flatulence sounds unusual...

When he arrives, the doctor takes him straight into his office and asks him to fart. After a lot of straining the man manages to let out a little one. It sounds like a person, whispering the word 'Honda'.

The doctor almost immediately proclaims that he knows exactly what the problem is, and r...

3 guys die and go to heaven...

St. Peter was at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. ". St. Peter smiled and ...

A collection of Waspy jokes about yo-mamma

1. Your mother is so déclassé, she has a time-share
near Sea World!

2. Your mother is so prescription drug dependent,
she pops Xanax like Godiva bonbons!

3. Your mother is so lower middle-class, she thinks
Egyptian cotton smells of camels!

4. Your mother...

What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive?

A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend)

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

Three men die and go to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that he will ask each of them a question and that their answer will determine how they will get around in heaven.

He asks the first man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “No, never!” St. Peter says, “Good man, I will give you a F...

A guy unfortunately becomes a widower, wants to put an obituary in the local paper...

... He rings them up, asks how much it costs.
"One dollar per word", says the clerk.
"Ok, here's the message: "Martha dead"
The clerk pauses and replies:
"You know, people normally say a bit more. If it's the price, yaknow, we have a special on now, pay for 3, get 3 free."
"...

3 friends die and go to heaven...

Three friends are on a road trip and crash a die. At the gates of St. Peter the first on is called up by St. Peter. St. Peter tell the first friend, John, "You cheated on your wife 12 times?" John admits this. "John is then handed keys to a Honda." John asks Peter what they keys are for and he repli...

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Three old men die and go to heaven...

...and St. Peter explains to them that the lives they lived on earth will determine what kind of car they drive for eternity.

He looks to the first man and says "You were a top-notch citizen your entire life. You paid your taxes, showed up for work every day, never cheated on your wife and we...

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New-age alcohol test

A driver gets stopped by a cop.

Cop: "I'm gonna have to give you an alcohol test, but I forgot to bring the piss testers, so we'll just try something different."

Driver: "Fine by me."

Cop: "Imagine you're driving at night and you're seeing one headlight coming your way. What is ...

Chinese herbologist

A man with an embarrassing condition walks into a bar one day, sad and depressed. He orders a shot, then another, and then another. Finally, the bartenders asks him "hey, what's wrong buddy?". The man replies "I've got this really embarrassing condition, and no doctor has ever been able to figure...

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An asian man goes to the eye doctor...

Doctor: "Sir you have cataracts."
Asian man: "No I drive a honda."

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Three angels are given gifts from god based on their loyalty and appreciation towards their spouses.

The first angel confesses that he often cheats on his wife and believes she would be better off....to be the equivalent of dead in heaven.

The second angel admits that his wife can be a bitch sometimes but still is willing to stick with her for eternity. Provided she stays in shape of course....

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