My girl left me to become an astronaut.

She said she needed some space.

How do you get an astronauts baby to stop crying?

You Rocket.

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space?

Another Trump record. No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space.

What would you write for a dead astronaut?

An Orbituary.

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

My girlfriend is telling everyone that I am an astronaut.

I knew shouldn’t have said that I needed some space.

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

Why do the ISS astronauts wear suspenders?

Because their pants are constantly falling down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t astronauts jack off in the shuttle?

Because working under a suspended load is an OSHA violation

An astronaut on the ISS wakes up his first morning.....

He goes to get some coffee and says to another astronaut there, "I like to have some milk in my coffee, but I can't find any."
The other astronaut responds, "In space no one can. Here, use cream."

How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party

They planet

Three guys are talking, the first guy says "I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn."

And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."

How do you make an astronaut smile

Take them out for launch in Houston

What is an Astronaut's favourite part of a computer

The space bar

Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...

What cologne do astronauts wear?

Elon’s Musk

What do astronauts eat?

Launchables

3 astronauts flew to the moon. They couldn't land.

It was a full moon.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an astronaut who’s a jerk?

An ISShole

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

One of NASA's first astronauts has recently died.

I know because I just read his orbit.

Just heard about the astronauts that left earth today

Good choice

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an astronaut who masturbate in space?

An astronut.

An astronaut is going on his first mission....

An astronaut is going on his first mission. Obviously nervous because its his first time going to space, the astronaut’s dad asks him, “What are you afraid of?”

The astronaut thinks for a second, “Nothing”

A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said “my teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar

S p a c e b a r

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."

What do you call an astronaut from the hood?

Zero G

What currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks.

What do you call an Astronaut's moustache?

Spacial Hair.

When I was a young boy, I wanted to become an Astronaut

Now I realise I actually want to just get high

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

---

From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.

Why do astronauts always sit one chair apart from eachother when drinking alcohol?

Because they're at a space bar.

so the astronaut Chirstina Kush returned to earth...

After being enclousured 328 days in space now she will be free to... be enclousured in his house. thanks covid 19.

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

Where do Astronauts get drunk?

At home, like everyone should be right now.

My buddy told me to quit my job at the keyboard factory and become an astronaut

That way I can visit the Space Bar

I was at my friend’s birthday party, when I got a call that my astronaut son quit his job.

He just said he felt like he was misson out

Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black astronaut?

>!An astronaut, you fucking racist.!<

A similarity about the job of President and Astronaut.

Educated, brave or ex-military there is a persona of the role, and the strife to get there. On the other hand, if you're a billionaire, for enough cash you can land yourself a seat up there with the help of Russia.

I have two friends. An astronaut and a truck driver.

I like the truck driver more because he seems more down to earth than the astronaut.

What's an astronaut's favorite board game?

Moonopoly.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

what is a weird thing to ask a normal person but is ok to ask an astronaut?

Do you spit or swallow?

Why dont astronauts have to clean up after themselves?

Cause space is a vaccum

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

Cannot get milk for my coffee, in space.

Once their Crew Dragon craft made it to safely to space, and they were headed toward the International Space Station, Bob Behnken completed some reports and then decided to have a cup of coffee. Well, a pouch of coffee anyway. Still, it was coffee, and thanks to SpaceX's desire to make space trave...

What did the astronaut reply to when he was asked if he was high on duty?

Nah Sa

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Couldn't astronauts just bring thousands of chip bags to the moon with them?

They get both air and chips.

Why did the astronaut refuse to return home to see his girlfriend?

He needed more space.

(In case you're running low on dad jokes!)

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet...

The view was breathtaking!

Why are there so many fat astronauts on the International Space Station?

Because the food is out of this world.

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

I could have been an astronaut,

but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

How do astronauts say sorry?

They don’t, they Apollo-gize

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

In the early days of space exploration, there were two astronauts on a space station orbiting earth

The first astronaut says:
"I want to make some coffee but I can't find the milk"

Second astronaut replies:
"In space, no one can. Here, use cream"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would proctologists make good astronauts?

Because they know their way around Uranus.

DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

“ North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.