UPJOKE
yuri gagarinnasaouter spacesoviet unioncosmonautspacemanspacecraftneil armstrongjohn glenngagarinspaceshippilotfranceshuttlespaceflight

What do you call An Astronaut that goes to the gym ?

Neil *ArmStrong*

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Hal...

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

What does an astronaut eat before a mission?

Launchmeat

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He wanted more space.

Astronauts use Linux

Because you can't open Windows in space.

What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?

The space bar.

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

What do you call a drunk astronaut?

Buzzed Litebeer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The astronauts aboard the ISS radioed NASA saying they'd seen a new object from their orbit.

Turns out you really can see Zelensky's balls from space.

My astronaut girlfriend left me

She said she needed space.

Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!

When do astronauts eat?

At launch time.

Where do astronaut keyboards go for a drink?

The space bar.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

Why did the astronaut take his computer's keyboard apart?

He was looking for the Space Bar.

Did you hear about the husband and wife astronauts?

They were head over heels for each other.

Why are there not more dog astronauts?

They’re afraid of the vacuum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you wish to visit Outer Space, you're an Astronaut

If you wish to visit Uranus, you're an Ass-tronaut

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

As a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.

But my parents told me the sky's the limit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?

It‘s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

An Asian doctor, SEAL, and astronaut walks into a bar

His name is Jonny Kim. Please don't let my mother know about him.

What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut?

A LUNAtick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.

Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FAA said that Jeff Bezos is not an astronaut.

Since he went to space and came back in a giant dick isn't he a seaman?

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking about where they would go if they were astronauts.

The brunette says "the Moon. The Redhead says "Mars". The Blond says "The Sun." When the other two girls say she can't go to the sun as she'd get incinerated, she replies with "I'd go at night, duh!"

Fake out clean jokes

Some of my favorite jokes are ones where the set-up sounds like it's going to be offensive, but the punch line takes it back to clean town. My top 3 examples:

I like my email passwords like I like my ladies... Same one for the last 10 years.

If it wasn't for the Arabs, we'd have never ...

Where does an astronaut get coffee?

Starbucks

Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined?

It was a fruitless Endeavor

What kind of currency do astronauts use?

Starbucks

So um... where do astronauts get drunk?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

Q W E R T Y U I O P

A S D F G H J K L

Z X C V ...

What???

Three astronauts are sitting at a table,one from the us,one from russia,and one from Poland. The us astronaut says were going to Mars. The russian says we made it to the moon. The pole says were going to the sun. The other two astronauts say you cant land on the sun,you'll burn. Theres nothing to la...

So, an astronaut dreams of spending a Little over a day on Mars...

It is his Sol endeavor.

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

*Interview for position of Astronaut*

Interviewer : Where do you see yourself in 5 years ?
Candidate : Not on earth hopefully.

Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.

How do you get an astronauts baby to stop crying?

You Rocket.

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon

But they didn't planet in time

Why did Not-so-nice Bill's wife leave him for an astronaut?

She wanted a NASA-guy

What do you call a crazy female astronaut?

A lunachick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

What is an astronaut's favorite time of the day?

Launch time.

Three guys are talking, the first guy says "I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn."

And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."

Why didn't the astronaut go on holiday to the binary solar system?

It was two sunny.

How do you make an astronaut smile

Take them out for launch in Houston

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an astronaut who masturbate in space?

An astronut.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

What would you write for a dead astronaut?

An Orbituary.

Why would gen z make bad astronauts?

In space no one can hear you meme

Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an astronaut who’s a jerk?

An ISShole

Just heard about the astronauts that left earth today

Good choice

Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black astronaut?

>!An astronaut, you fucking racist.!<

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

An astronaut is going on his first mission....

An astronaut is going on his first mission. Obviously nervous because its his first time going to space, the astronaut’s dad asks him, “What are you afraid of?”

The astronaut thinks for a second, “Nothing”

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar

S p a c e b a r

What do you call an astronaut from the hood?

Zero G

A woman astronaut..

A woman astronaut calls her base:
-Houston we have a problem.
-What is it?
-Nothing...

What cologne do astronauts wear?

Elon’s Musk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t astronauts jack off in the shuttle?

Because working under a suspended load is an OSHA violation

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation...

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

When I was a young boy, I wanted to become an Astronaut

Now I realise I actually want to just get high

DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

“ North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going ...

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said “my teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

A similarity about the job of President and Astronaut.

Educated, brave or ex-military there is a persona of the role, and the strife to get there. On the other hand, if you're a billionaire, for enough cash you can land yourself a seat up there with the help of Russia.

Why do the ISS astronauts wear suspenders?

Because their pants are constantly falling down.

One of NASA's first astronauts has recently died.

I know because I just read his orbit.

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

I have two friends. An astronaut and a truck driver.

I like the truck driver more because he seems more down to earth than the astronaut.

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.