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Astronaut Jokes

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”
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Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because its dangerous to open windows in space.
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space
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Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
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If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe
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Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

What is an astronaut’s favorite tea?

Gravitea
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Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!
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An Asian doctor, SEAL, and astronaut walks into a bar

His name is Jonny Kim. Please don't let my mother know about him.
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...
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Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.
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What do you call a drunk astronaut?

Buzzed Litebeer
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A woman astronaut..

A woman astronaut calls her base:
-Houston we have a problem.
-What is it?
-Nothing...
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What do you call an astronaut that lifts weights?

Neil Armstrong
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Why do astronauts prefer to sleep alone?

They need their space!
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Astronaut 01: isthereanyplacetobuyabeerhere?

Astronaut 02: thereisnospacebar
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How much street cred do astronauts have?

Zero, G!
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Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.
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What did the astronaut say to his wife?

I need some space!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen the movie about the astronaut who has to grow fields of wheat using only his piss?

It's called "Urine For A World Of Grain".

What kind of diet does an overweight astronaut go on?

A low orbit diet
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Two astronauts went to the moon

When they crawled out of their spaceship, it was a sight to behold. In the distance, there was a teepee and a Native American sitting near a fire. They approached the native and one of them said, “Hello! We’re from planet Earth!” The native, with a scared look, says, “Oh god, not again.”
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NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Hal...
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Why did the astronaut refuse to return home to see his girlfriend?

He needed more space.

(In case you're running low on dad jokes!)
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How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One to screw the lightbulb and several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.
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Where was the astronaut kitten blasting off to?

Meowter Space
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An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...
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why did the Astronaut fall into depression?

because he wasn't happy in the closed 'space'
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what happens when an astronaut masturbates in space?

They defile gravity

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What did one astronaut say to the other?

Stop mooning me, I can see Uranus.

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater
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An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...
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What's an astronaut's favorite board game?

Moonopoly
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In his trial the jury was told Kevin Spacey wanted to be an astronaut

A witness said that Spacey told him that he would like to get to Uranus.

Did you hear about the two astronauts involved in a legal dispute?

They agreed to orbitration.
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An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...
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a programmer and astronaut walk into a bar

Astronaut: we are just tiny dots in this vast universe. What we do is insignificant. Why should we even do anything ? What's the point ?

Programmer: I should stop making these simulations so real.
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What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?

The space bar.
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Why are there not more dog astronauts?

They’re afraid of the vacuum.
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how does a female astronaut pick up men?

"have you ever been inside a black hole?"
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What does an astronaut eat before a mission?

Launchmeat
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If you're an astronaut..

and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time
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Did you hear about the astronaut who was nonchalant about flying near a black hole?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Ba dum tiss.
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Where do astronaut keyboards go for a drink?

The space bar.
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Where does an astronaut get coffee?

Starbucks
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Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking
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When do astronauts eat?

At launch time.
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As a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.

But my parents told me the sky's the limit.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?

It‘s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.

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FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.

Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

Why did the astronaut take his computer's keyboard apart?

He was looking for the Space Bar.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.
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So um... where do astronauts get drunk?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

Q W E R T Y U I O P

A S D F G H J K L

Z X C V ...
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NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...
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Why do astronauts on the ISS never spend much time in queues?

Because they weightless.
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I hate it when my fellow astronauts eject me into space without a suit.

It makes my blood boil.
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Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you wish to visit Outer Space, you're an Astronaut

If you wish to visit Uranus, you're an Ass-tronaut

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet
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How do you make an astronaut smile

Take them out for launch in Houston
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Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...
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Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.
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What do you call a crazy female astronaut?

A lunachick.
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Did you hear about the husband and wife astronauts?

They were head over heels for each other.
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What do you call a Mexican in space?

An astronaut you racist
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What do you call a black astronaut?

>!An astronaut, you fucking racist.!<

Just heard about the astronauts that left earth today

Good choice
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"
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How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket
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John was an Astronaut...

John was an astronaut scheduled to fly on his first mission to the International Space Station. The media frenzy surrounding the launch was maddening. Everywhere John went, the media followed him.

He would part the curtains at his home in the morning, and the media was out there peering in, t...
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The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...
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What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FAA said that Jeff Bezos is not an astronaut.

Since he went to space and came back in a giant dick isn't he a seaman?

Why would gen z make bad astronauts?

In space no one can hear you meme
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What would you write for a dead astronaut?

An Orbituary.
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An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."
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An astronaut is going on his first mission....

An astronaut is going on his first mission. Obviously nervous because its his first time going to space, the astronaut’s dad asks him, “What are you afraid of?”

The astronaut thinks for a second, “Nothing”
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How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party

They planet
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Where do Astronauts get drunk?

At home, like everyone should be right now.
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What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut?

A LUNAtick
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Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.
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What did the Russian astronaut say when they opened him the space station door?

Space iba.
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What is an astronaut's favorite time of the day?

Launch time.
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Why do the ISS astronauts wear suspenders?

Because their pants are constantly falling down.
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