What do astronauts eat?

Launchables

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space

One of NASA's first astronauts has recently died.

I know because I just read his orbit.

3 astronauts flew to the moon. They couldn't land.

It was a full moon.

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

What cologne do astronauts wear?

Elon’s Musk

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

An ISS astronaut says to his colleague, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

His friend replies, "In space no one can. Here, use cream."

An astronaut is going on his first mission....

An astronaut is going on his first mission. Obviously nervous because its his first time going to space, the astronaut’s dad asks him, “What are you afraid of?”

The astronaut thinks for a second, “Nothing”

A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said “my teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

Just heard about the astronauts that left earth today

Good choice

What do you call an Astronaut's moustache?

Spacial Hair.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Why do astronauts like computer keyboards?

Because they have a space bar

An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar

S p a c e b a r

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an astronaut who masturbate in space?

An astronut.

When I was a young boy, I wanted to become an Astronaut

Now I realise I actually want to just get high

So an astronaut, a pimp and a proctologist all walk into a bar....

"I drive a Saturn", says the astronaut.

"I drive a cheap escort", says the pimp

The proctologist says "I've got you all beat. I drive a brown probe"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black astronaut?

An astronaut, you racist piece of shit!

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."

How do astronauts get to sleep?

They just drift off.

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

What currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks.

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

---

From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.

Why do astronauts like to save money?

To get more Tang for their buck

What do you call an astronaut from the hood?

Zero G

Why do astronauts always sit one chair apart from eachother when drinking alcohol?

Because they're at a space bar.

so the astronaut Chirstina Kush returned to earth...

After being enclousured 328 days in space now she will be free to... be enclousured in his house. thanks covid 19.

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

Where do Astronauts get drunk?

At home, like everyone should be right now.

I have two friends. An astronaut and a truck driver.

I like the truck driver more because he seems more down to earth than the astronaut.

A similarity about the job of President and Astronaut.

Educated, brave or ex-military there is a persona of the role, and the strife to get there. On the other hand, if you're a billionaire, for enough cash you can land yourself a seat up there with the help of Russia.

Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

Why dont astronauts have to clean up after themselves?

Cause space is a vaccum

What's an astronaut's favorite board game?

Moonopoly.

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

I’ve never liked astronauts,

they think they’re above me.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

An astronaut walks into a bar

"*How is it up there, you know, in space?*" The barman asks.

"*It's not cold, dude,*" The astronaut says.

"*Really? Space isn't cold?*" The barman asks.

"*No, I meant my drink, bud. My drink isn't cold.*"

Couldn't astronauts just bring thousands of chip bags to the moon with them?

They get both air and chips.

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet...

The view was breathtaking!

First Woman Astronaut talks with NASA:

Woman Astronaut: Ummm...Houston, we have a problem...

NASA: What is the problem?

Woman Astronaut: Nevermind, just forget it.

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen the movie about the astronaut who has to grow fields of wheat using only his piss?

It's called "Urine For A World Of Grain".

What is common between office workers and astronauts

is that they both hate working in open space.

Why did the astronaut refuse to return home to see his girlfriend?

He needed more space.

(In case you're running low on dad jokes!)

I could have been an astronaut,

but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

How do astronauts organise a party?

They planet

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

Someone asked me...

"Where is your father at?"

Me : "He is not on earth anymore"

"Aww, I am sorry"

Me : " He's an astronaut lol"

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would proctologists make good astronauts?

Because they know their way around Uranus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
"We have: Work Out Barbie , Shopping Barbie , Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie , Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Skater Barbie a...

How do astronauts say sorry?

They don’t, they Apollo-gize

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".

The Pope and a couple of Astronauts make it to Mars.

There, they meet a bunch of Martians. The Pope who was eager to know If Christianity is universal asks one of the martians; Have you heard of Jesus Christ?
Well yes, says the martian, we know him quiet well he visits us regularly. What do you do for him to visit you regularly? We give him a box o...

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

I once dated a woman who is an astronaut, 6 months later she broke up with me...

She just wanted some space.

In the early days of space exploration, there were two astronauts on a space station orbiting earth

The first astronaut says:
"I want to make some coffee but I can't find the milk"

Second astronaut replies:
"In space, no one can. Here, use cream"

What's a "specimen"?

An Italian astronaut.

Two astronauts are aboard the ISS.

One astronaut loses focus while in the airlock, and floats back outward.

The second astronaut lunges forward on a tether and grabs him before they can go too far, and goes back into the airlock.

"What the hell man?" Shouted the second astronaut. "You could have died!"

"Sorry, I ...

Why do astronauts like this joke So Much?

Because there's So much Space between the words.

Why should you never date an astronaut?

Because they always need space.

A handicapped kid wants to be an astronaut.

Because he has spacial needs.

What’s an astronaut’s favorite meal?

Launch.

Why don't astronauts eat much at breakfast?

So they can be ready for lunch

DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

“ North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going ...

Why did the astronaut give up on going to Mars?

Because there's no longer any Opportunity there.

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

What do you call a Jewish astronaut?

Merchant of Venus

I've wanted to become an astronaut ever since I was a kid, but decided not to after I heard about the 60% fatality rate.

Shame too, only 40% off.

Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."

A guy got mad at me for putting a tiny hole in his suit.

Those astronauts are an angry bunch.

What's the difference between an astronaut and a cosmonaut?

Astronauts take it slow, cosmonauts are always rushin'

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

the whole Royal Wedding took less time

than 2 astronauts crossing a door

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