Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

Where do astronaut keyboards go for a drink?

The space bar.

Why did the astronaut take his computer's keyboard apart?

He was looking for the Space Bar.

Did you hear about the husband and wife astronauts?

They were head over heels for each other.

What is an astronaut’s favorite tea?

Gravitea

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

Why are there not more dog astronauts?

They’re afraid of the vacuum.

What do you call a Cuban astronaut?

A Castronaut.

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If you wish to visit Outer Space, you're an Astronaut

If you wish to visit Uranus, you're an Ass-tronaut

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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?

It‘s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.

Why astronauts use Linux

Because you can't open windows in space

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

What did the Russian astronaut say when they opened him the space station door?

Space iba.

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Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

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FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.

Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut?

A LUNAtick

An Asian doctor, SEAL, and astronaut walks into a bar

His name is Jonny Kim. Please don't let my mother know about him.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking about where they would go if they were astronauts.

The brunette says "the Moon. The Redhead says "Mars". The Blond says "The Sun." When the other two girls say she can't go to the sun as she'd get incinerated, she replies with "I'd go at night, duh!"

What do astronauts use to keep in touch with friends and family?

Spacebook.

So um... where do astronauts get drunk?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

Q W E R T Y U I O P

A S D F G H J K L

Z X C V ...

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

As a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.

But my parents told me the sky's the limit.

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The FAA said that Jeff Bezos is not an astronaut.

Since he went to space and came back in a giant dick isn't he a seaman?

There are 2 astronauts in space.

The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"

(Saying it aloud helps)

#Tip your waitresses!

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

What kind of currency do astronauts use?

Starbucks

Scottish Sutherland Vertical Launch facility will not launch manned flights.

Their afraid the astronauts might get kilt.

Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet

Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined?

It was a fruitless Endeavor

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

What do astronauts eat?

Launchables

My girl left me to become an astronaut.

She said she needed some space.

Where does an astronaut get coffee?

Starbucks

Three guys are talking, the first guy says...

..."I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe

How do you get an astronauts baby to stop crying?

You Rocket.

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon

But they didn't planet in time

NASA is opting to replace more and more human astronauts with trained chimpanzees.

They cost peanuts.

So, an astronaut dreams of spending a Little over a day on Mars...

It is his Sol endeavor.

3 astronauts flew to the moon. They couldn't land.

It was a full moon.

What is an astronaut's favorite time of the day?

Launch time.

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

Why would gen z make bad astronauts?

In space no one can hear you meme

Why did Not-so-nice Bill's wife leave him for an astronaut?

She wanted a NASA-guy

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

Why didn't the astronaut go on holiday to the binary solar system?

It was two sunny.

Just heard about the astronauts that left earth today

Good choice

How do you make an astronaut smile

Take them out for launch in Houston

What would you write for a dead astronaut?

An Orbituary.

Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...

What cologne do astronauts wear?

Elon’s Musk

What do you call a crazy female astronaut?

A lunachick.

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

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What do you call an astronaut who masturbate in space?

An astronut.

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

“I think you need to go outside to take a breather.”

“Hank, we’re astronauts.”

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

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Why can’t astronauts jack off in the shuttle?

Because working under a suspended load is an OSHA violation

Why do the ISS astronauts wear suspenders?

Because their pants are constantly falling down.

What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space?

Another Trump record. No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an astronaut who’s a jerk?

An ISShole

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

One of NASA's first astronauts has recently died.

I know because I just read his orbit.

Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

What do you call an astronaut from the hood?

Zero G

An astronaut is going on his first mission....

An astronaut is going on his first mission. Obviously nervous because its his first time going to space, the astronaut’s dad asks him, “What are you afraid of?”

The astronaut thinks for a second, “Nothing”

An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar

S p a c e b a r

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black astronaut?

>!An astronaut, you fucking racist.!<

A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said “my teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

---

From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.

My buddy told me to quit my job at the keyboard factory and become an astronaut

That way I can visit the Space Bar

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

When I was a young boy, I wanted to become an Astronaut

Now I realise I actually want to just get high

Where do Astronauts get drunk?

At home, like everyone should be right now.

A similarity about the job of President and Astronaut.

Educated, brave or ex-military there is a persona of the role, and the strife to get there. On the other hand, if you're a billionaire, for enough cash you can land yourself a seat up there with the help of Russia.

Why are astronauts' wives always frustrated?

Because their husbands dock just the tip.

Why do astronauts always sit one chair apart from eachother when drinking alcohol?

Because they're at a space bar.

so the astronaut Chirstina Kush returned to earth...

After being enclousured 328 days in space now she will be free to... be enclousured in his house. thanks covid 19.

Why dont astronauts have to clean up after themselves?

Cause space is a vaccum

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

“ North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going ...

I have two friends. An astronaut and a truck driver.

I like the truck driver more because he seems more down to earth than the astronaut.

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

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