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Applied Jokes

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

A black guy applied for a job at the LAPD

He got shot down

I applied for a job with my local school district.

I've never been to university. They said my high school education wasn't good enough. I told them that's their fault not mine.

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An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.

“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him.

“No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

For years poor Lawrence applied for Hogwarts, and year after year they turned him down.

Finally after working his tail off to submit his latest and greatest application, he was climbing the walls with anxiety. He went to see Hagrid. "What do you think my chances are, Hagrid?"

Hagrid looked at him with pity in his eyes. "They aren't good." Said Hagrid. "Why not?" Lawrence asked,...

I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

I applied to the local rock quarry...

Apparently getting stoned is not acceptable prior work experience.

I applied for a job at the gynaecology clinic today.

I’d heard there was a lot of openings there.

I heard of an armless man that applied for a job at the butcher's

They fired him because he couldn't hack it.

Russia have just applied to join NATO.

They need protection from Ukraine.

Applied for a job designing paralax layers...

...Failed the background test.

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Bubba applied to work for the FBI

Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside.

He said, "Son, this may well be the worst I've ever se...

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I applied to the police academy

The academy head approached me "I am afraid I have to decline your application".

"What's the problem?"

"Your family history. Specifically your mother and father."

"My parents are happily married."

"That's the problem. All cops are bastards."

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I applied to every single college fraternity

But I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently they only accept complete dicks.

Three men applied to put up telephone poles.

The foreman sent them each out with a truck and 20 poles, telling them to come back after 8 hours.

The first man returns and says "I put up 12 poles."

The second man returns and says "I put up 15 poles."

The third man returns and says "I put up 3 poles."

"Three?" asks the...

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's s...

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

I applied to be a vegetable farmer..

They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!

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An American, Englishman and a Russian applied to be CIA agents.

They go through every single test and pass with flying colors. For their final test they are given a pistol and led inside a room with their wife tied to a chair and they have to kill her. The american goes into the room and comes out 5 minutes later.

-"I couldn't do it, I'm sorry." He says a...

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A young boy applied for a job at a store...

The store manager said: “We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we’re having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try.”

At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.

He asked the boy ho...

I was unaware of certain things when I applied for shift work.

Like how the "F" was silent.

I've applied to work in a mirror store.

I hope I get it, I can really see myself working there.

A jobless man applied for the job

A jobless man applied for the job of "sweeper" at Microsoft.

The HR interviewed him..

Then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are Appointed" he said.

"Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the forms to fill in".

The man replied "But I don't h...

A lumberjack applied for a job.

Supervisor: "Let's test your abilities. Go over to that forest there and cut down as many trees as you can in one minute."

\*one minute later\*

Supervisor: "Wow! This is the best I've ever seen! 20 trees in one minute! Where did you work before?"

Lumberjack: "The Sahara Forest."...

I applied for a job at the Chinese Embassy

Decided not to accept their generous offer because of all the red flags

I had to go back to see my doctor today. I said, 'I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.' 'Where exactly did you apply it?' he asked.

'On the bus' I replied

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I applied for a job as a fluffer at a porn studio.

I should hear tomorrow if I got it, touch wood.

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A Glaswegian joke that can be applied anywhere.

Three pieces of tarmac (asphalt for Americans) are in the pub at the end of the day.
One says, "I'm on the Great Western Road. You wouldn't believe what I have to go through every day! Cars, endless traffic, congestion, it'll make you pure mental!"
The next one says, "You think you're in a bad...

So I asked my friend, "I hear your husband applied for a position in the government"

Me:"What is he doing now?"

Friend: "Nothing"

Me: "But I thought he got the job!?"

Friend: "Yes he did."

I nervously applied to sing on American Idol and Simon Cowell asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said no,but I could do Bohemian Rhapsody!

A Lumberjack applied for a Job:

Interviewer says tell me of your previous Jobs: Guy says well you know the Sahara Forest. Immediately Interviewer says, don't you mean the Sahara Desert?

Guy says well it is now when I finished.

I applied to fight the Australian forest fires...

They said I was overkoalafied. (If you enjoyed this, please donate to Australia. Thank you)

An emo kid applied for the marines last week...

He made the cut.

a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?”

He nods.

“Here in Russia, you have food to eat?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”


“And here in Russia, you have place to live?”

“Yeah, yeah, I can’t complain.”

...

I applied for a job at Google and when I got the job,

I said Yahoo and I was immediately fired

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

I applied for a job as a yoga teacher

"Are you flexible?"

"Well I can't do tuesdays."

A vegan applied but was rejected for a job at Burger King...

She didn't meat the requirements.

I applied for art school

I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.

I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.

Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!

I applied for a job but my resume stinks...

...so I asked a friend to help me out by pretending to be extremely unqualified so that I would seem like the better candidate. Everyday he walked into the office and applied for the same job under a different name and in a different costume each time. On the first day he went as himself, on the sec...

Yesterday, I applied to model for Calvin's

I hope they don't deKlein...

Just applied to go on that show 'The secret millionaire'

The secret is I'm not a millionaire but shhhh

What do you call an Applied Mathematician's favorite field?

Knot Theory, because it's Knot... Theory.

I applied to join the police but they said I was ineligible

My parents are married

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

I have just applied for a job as a litter collector.

They asked if I had any relevant experience but I said I will just pick it up as I go along.

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

I applied for a job at a company that makes puzzles.

But, I am worried I may not be a good fit!

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

My dads a trucker so he applied for a job at Mcrosoft

Apparently they are looking for more drivers.

What do you call the situation where you’ve already applied lube, but still can’t put it in?

Lubri-cant

I applied for a job in the adult industry once

But I couldn't find a good position.

Applied for a job today and they asked for three letters of recommendation

So I replied "Easy! R, E and K!"

I applied to get a job as a video editor.

Didn’t make the final cut.

I am so bored now, So I applied for The NHS volunteer scheme.

Turns out they've got enough gynaecologist, Just waiting to hear back from the breast clinic.

Three chinese men applied for citizenship in USA

They were accepted on the condition that they changed their names.

Bu became Buck.

Chu became Chuck.

And Fu went back to China.

So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church

I really hope I get the missionary position

I applied for one of them online "get rich quick" programs once

they sent me a gun and a list of the closest banks.

I applied to a citizen of Finland

In the online application there was an odd question. "Are you a nice guy", it said, I thought it was an odd question but I clicked yes. Immediately I was directed to a page saying I was directed to the back of the queue for citizenship, I was confused but I read later in the application and it said....

A koala applied for a job at my office

He had amazing koalifications.

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A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. At the end of his first day on the job his boss walked up to him and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a ...

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