UPJOKE
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Any More Jokes

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

Please don't make any more jokes about the Coronavirus...

My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite...

It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.

My wife said that if I got her any more stupid gifts she'd burn it.

I hope she likes her candle

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If Biden unfucks any more of Trump's mistakes any faster...

There'll be no Ivanka and Jr. by Sunday.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

I can’t take my dog to the pond any more cuz the ducks kept attacking him.

That’s what I get for getting a pure-bread dog

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

For my cake day, I've decided that I'm not going to be drinking any more.

I'm not going to drink any less either.

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Gay jokes are not funny any more.....

I mean, come on guys.

My wife's just walked out on me, saying she cant take any more of my insufferable nit picking.

I think you'll find there's a hyphen in nit-picking.

I'm not going drink any more.

Thats right, im going to continue drinking at my regular 17 beers a day and not one beer more.

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…

I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

Hide-and-Seek games aren't fun any more

It is too hard to find good players.

I thought my drier was shrinking my clothes because they don't fit any more.

Turns out, it was my refrigerator all along.

Why don't fire stations have poles any more?

Brexit.

So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more?

Too many thank-you notes to write

What’s a service you can’t get any more in Myanmar?

A burma shave

I promise I'll never curse any more

I swear to God

Do not buy any more products that use velcro

It’s a real rip off.

What's blue and doesn't fit any more?

A dead epileptic.

If I were any more attractive

I would be much less competent.

If you were any more inbred

You would be a sandwich.

If people from Alabama were any more inbred

They would be sandwiches.

Why can't taxidermied animals eat any more?

Because they're stuffed.

Apparently, you can't say "Black paint!" any more.

You have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."

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I’m not a little boy any more

On a boys birthday he says to his mother I’m not a little boy anymore, the mother nods and understands.

Well, the mother says for dinner I guess you don’t want chicken nuggets anymore.

No, no, no, says the boy but instead I can have a grown up knife and fork.

Well, the mother s...

Why don't firemen have poles any more?

Immigration limits.

This year I won’t be making any more mistakes...

Because hindsight is 2020

My wife warned me not to take any more of the kitchen utensils

but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I don't tell Dad jokes any more.

He went out for cigarettes and never came back.

Why don’t we have any more Jonestown jokes ?

The punchlines are too long

Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more?

Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more children.

Apparently a vasectomy doesn't stop you from having children, it only changes the colour of their skin.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

I don't want to hear any more classical Christmas music

I seriously can't handel it.

"Can you fit any more Milky Way Chocolate Bars into your desk drawer there, Jim?"

"Nope, all outer space."

I refuse to take my dog on road trips any more

He can be such a bark seat driver

We’ve been married so long that I don’t have to finish my sentences any more...

But I still do, just to annoy her.

If I have to hear any more jokes about soy sauce

I will Kikkoman!

Sorry, maybe I'll Shoyu a better joke Tamari.

My wife told me I couldn’t act like a flamingo any more...

I had to put my foot down

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

She told me I couldn't play any more Bob Seger.

I said "Just take those old records off the shelf. I'll sit and listen to them by myself."

My doctor told me that I absolutely can't drink any more.

So I promised to drink exactly the same amount.

Why don't we elect fat presidents any more?

Because they don't run.

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

Do you know who isn't an alcoholic any more?

George Best.

What do you call a person who loved tractors but doesn't any more?

An extractor fan

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

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Don't hear many Limerick jokes any more. So I wrote one.

There was a man named Johnathan Hicks,

who liked to write limericks.

But his Poems were crude,

and many lewd,

so his balls were often kicked.

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I told my son I wasn't going to take any more photos because they all had red eye

He said "fuck you dad, it's not my fault I'm albino."

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

He kept trying to shave the princess.

What's black, has bite marks and isn't needed any more?

Philip Hoffman's belt.

My wife told me she didn’t love me any more. She said I always forget the important stuff...

The thing is, I don’t remember what I forgot.

The Vietnam newbie was told they didn't have any more M-16's...

and he should just point his finger and yell "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
He's out on patrol, he sees enemy soldiers and points his finger.
"BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
Much to his amazement, the enemy soldiers fall to the ground dead. He continues on his way, killing more and more VC...

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

One space rock, said to the other space rock, “got any more gossip on the affair?” The other space rock replied, “yeah, turns out Carl’s mistress... is a man!”

Space rocks always love when the story gets meteor.

A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays

The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting...

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

Ben and Tim want to go drink in a bar (NSFW)

Problem is, they have no money. "No problem" says Ben, "I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won't hav...

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

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