Affects Jokes - 25 Hilarious Affects Jokes

They say weed affects memory

If that’s true, why do I never forget to buy weed?

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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

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A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the moo...

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What type of arthritis disproportionately affects Canadians?

Psorryatic arthritis.

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Dyslexia affects people in different ways

Especially today, on Friday the 13th

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People always seem surprised by the way spicy chorizo affects their digestion. Seems like...

No-one expects the Spanish ring excretion!

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It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most

If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

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People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

Addiction has drastic affects on your body.

I used to be addicted to washing powder. I'm clean now.

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Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

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Did you see the study on how the moon affects the earth?

Apparently it's making waves

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TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

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There is a new virus which only affects Muslims.Where do they put the infected?

In the Quran-tine room!

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

What's the name of that addictive thing that affects my short-term memory? I use it all the time, but can't remember what's it's called...

*Googles* ... "Oh yeah! The internet!"

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I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

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A man has a personal problem

A man is convinced of himself that he has sex problems. He constantly thinks about sex and he knows this ruins his life. One day, he finally goes to a psychiatrist, to try and fix whatever makes him think about sex constantly. She, the psychiatrist, agrees to try treating him.

\- Okay, let m...

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It’s been a long week in the greengrocers ….

It’s been a long week in the greengrocers but it finally gets to Friday night and three best mates - a lemon, a potato and a pea - decide to have a couple of beers after work, as so often happens, soon they’re on a full on pub crawl...

They have a great night, hitting pub after pub , knocki...

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

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Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

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Two rednecks join the army, after a couple of years they both are higher up in the ranks

Jim-bob "hey huck, we got to go to that STD talk later", huck "No we dont", jim-bob "why not ?", huck " because them STD's only affects the privates"

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Here's an interesting statistic about herd mentality:

It affects 10 in 10 people.

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newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

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A young couple decides to have sex for the first time.

As they're undressing each other, the woman removes the man's shoes and socks. "What's the matter with your toes?"

"Oh that, when I was younger I suffered from toelio"

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, no, toelio, it's like polio but it only affects the toes."

They go a little...

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