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Motivate Jokes

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

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Get Motivated

Next time you feeling down, remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend,
Who exercises and plays basketball everyday
has sex two-three times a day
Reads two books a week

Yet everyday he complains about how much he hates prison🤷‍♂️

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

A company owner was asked a question

**"How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?" He smiled and replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."**

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What motivates a grammar nazi?

Word domination.

Why are the Taiwanese so competitive, high-achieving, and motivated?

They have Taipei personalities

After hearing a speech on how to motivate employees,

the business owner posted signs that read "Do It Now" in every department
It was impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.

A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked.

"Well," said the business owner, "not exactly ...

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person

Stay lazy, my friends

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

Got asked how to motivate a team at work today

Apparently a baseball bat is the wrong answer

Two genius economists were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour

Chinese joke from the 1990s.

Two genius economists A and B were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour. They walked past a pile of dog dung, and A said to B:

“I’ll give you 50 million dollars if you eat that pile of dog dung!”

B thought about it, worked out i...

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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?

It‘s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.

My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

So I started smoking.

Dogs, Not Marriage or Kids, Motivate Millennials to Buy Homes

I don't know how they afford it though.

Dogs are expensive.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

What do you call a personal message that motivates one to feel alive and do things?

Carpe DM

What do motivated tires say?

We move.

Motivation

Today I saw three people jogging out the window, and this motivated me to go and close the window.

My friend betrayed me on the test when I asked him where the light rays parallel to the principle axis of a concave mirror meet

I mean, he did try to motivate me by shouting "Focus! Focus!", but that hardly helps.

Is My Joke Racially Motivated

If My Black Friend Told Me To Say It?

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

How dads of kenya motivates their kids?

by saying: 'kenya do this?'

What motivates teens to protest climate change?

They're doing it for the Greta good.

What really motivates people to work out in southeast asia?

Eye of the Thai girl.

No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?

It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to ...

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Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

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Whats the difference between being self-motivated and being too hard on yourself?

Viagra.

I got fired after telling my boss that he motivates me...

To find another job..

Why does reddit love motivated people?

Because we give it r/all.

Why is electricity so motivated?

Because they conduit

I don't want to just get motivated. I want to be driven.

Like, literally, I want to recline in the passenger seat while someone is driving me to my goals.

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice.

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice. He asked the coach attendant if some ice could be arranged.

The attendant explained train didn't have a kitchen since the food that was served was prepared elsewhere and loaded onto the train before departure.

The guy was ad...

What motivated Hercules to face off against Cerberus?

Alcmene triple-dog-dared him.

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

Once upon a time, there was a pirate who never lost a battle...

He was so courageous. His strategy was simple, lead by example, as long as he was at the front of the battle his crew were motivated.

But he had a trick up his sleeve. A new crew member joins this pirate to study him as he is so fascinated by his victories.

First battle comes along, hi...

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Jimmy was racing his friends to the nearest tree

"Last one there's a piece of shit!" one of the older kids said.

This motivated Jimmy. He was set on winning.

He would not be deterred.

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at the...

Nobody rewarded me :(

I see people in the subreddit of ''GetMotivated'' writting stuff like ''I am a month free from alcohol'' or ''I am 3 months away from gambling'' and they get awards for doing that. Well I wrote there ''I am 3 months away from studying''. Nobody rewarded me. Thank you people of reddit!

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Litt...

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