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Motivate Jokes

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

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How do you motivate a police dog?

You remind him that snitches get bitches.

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Get Motivated

Next time you feeling down, remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend,
Who exercises and plays basketball everyday
has sex two-three times a day
Reads two books a week

Yet everyday he complains about how much he hates prison🤷‍♂️

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What motivates a grammar nazi?

Word domination.

How does Sauron motivate his army?

With Mordor-vation!

After hearing a speech on how to motivate employees,

the business owner posted signs that read "Do It Now" in every department
It was impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.

A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked.

"Well," said the business owner, "not exactly ...

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

Motivation

Today I saw three people jogging out the window, and this motivated me to go and close the window.

I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

Why are the Taiwanese so competitive, high-achieving, and motivated?

They have Taipei personalities

Got asked how to motivate a team at work today

Apparently a baseball bat is the wrong answer

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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?

It‘s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.

Dogs, Not Marriage or Kids, Motivate Millennials to Buy Homes

I don't know how they afford it though.

Dogs are expensive.

What do motivated tires say?

We move.

Two genius economists were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour

Chinese joke from the 1990s.

Two genius economists A and B were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour. They walked past a pile of dog dung, and A said to B:

“I’ll give you 50 million dollars if you eat that pile of dog dung!”

B thought about it, worked out i...

Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person

Stay lazy, my friends

Is My Joke Racially Motivated

If My Black Friend Told Me To Say It?

What motivates teens to protest climate change?

They're doing it for the Greta good.

How dads of kenya motivates their kids?

by saying: 'kenya do this?'

Why does reddit love motivated people?

Because we give it r/all.

What do you call a personal message that motivates one to feel alive and do things?

Carpe DM

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

Why is electricity so motivated?

Because they conduit

What really motivates people to work out in southeast asia?

Eye of the Thai girl.

No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?

It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to ...

I got fired after telling my boss that he motivates me...

To find another job..

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Whats the difference between being self-motivated and being too hard on yourself?

Viagra.

My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

So I started smoking.

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

What motivated Hercules to face off against Cerberus?

Alcmene triple-dog-dared him.

My friend betrayed me on the test when I asked him where the light rays parallel to the principle axis of a concave mirror meet

I mean, he did try to motivate me by shouting "Focus! Focus!", but that hardly helps.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Litt...

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

Schwarznegger is at the gym

Arnie is spottin a dude at the gym. The guy is clearly strugglin, so he tries to motivate him to do just 2 more reps.

For a sec his attention is diverted, and the guy who's lifting lies and says "Did it Arnie, 2 more reps was all i had in me".

Arnie, angry and not one to be fooled says...

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Two firms had a row competition

A Japanese and a Finnish company decided to have 2km row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and Japanese won by 1km.
Finnish companys leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis the leadership showed its value: They wanted to have new compet...

A wife starts working out

Every night a wife sees his husband on his phone smiling before he goes to sleep. The wife sees what he’s been doing on his phone but she keeps it secret. One day the husband wakes up to see his wife working out and he says “Good morning. What are you up to?”. The wife replies “I want to get ripped”...

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

Once upon a time, there was a pirate who never lost a battle...

He was so courageous. His strategy was simple, lead by example, as long as he was at the front of the battle his crew were motivated.

But he had a trick up his sleeve. A new crew member joins this pirate to study him as he is so fascinated by his victories.

First battle comes along, hi...

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