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Endanger Jokes

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

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People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

Name two animals that should be endangered but are not!

Donkeys and Elephants

People who eat endangered birds...

...will die lonely and full of egret.

Why are pandas endangered?

Because bamboo shoots.

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

Why are some species of cat always endangered?

Because cheetahs never prosper

Endangered meal

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers ha...

What do you call it when an environmentalist cuts down an endangered tree?

Treeson.

What animal is endangered by tooth decay?

Molar bears!

It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species

They've got an extreme choking problem.

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the endangered Mollusk exhibit?

An aquarium employee ran up to the railing and shouted "I'll go get help, don't move a mussel!

Good News: The Giant Panda is no longer considered 'Endangered'.

Bad News: It's now considered 'Extinct'.

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

The Hiker With the Exotic Appetite

A middle-aged man got lost while hiking in the Sierra Mountains. Rescue calls went out and three days later a National Park ranger located him.

As he approached the hiker, the ranger noticed a campfire pit and the charred remains of a large bird. “Is that a California Condor”, asked the...

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species.

I left there full of egret.

What's the difference between Nestle and Wonka?

Wonka endangered less children.

Ten of the Richest People in the World Take a Luxurious Cruise Around the Globe

Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Warren Buffet, Richard Branson, Michael Bloomberg, Steve Ballmer, Charles Koch, and Jim Walton went on a luxurious yacht to cruise around the globe. Each of them brought an endangered animal to cook and eat as a delicacy during the trip.
Little...

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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

And then there was the male spotted owl who told his wife, "What do you mean you have a headache?

We're an endangered species!"

Blue lives matter

There’s only 100 smurfs, their an endangered species.

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So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

Horrible joke I made up as a kid

Why are frogs on the endangered species list?

Because they croak a lot!

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Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

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Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

So a panda walks into a bar

Orders a salad and just after paying his bill whips out a Gloc and shoots one of the other bar patrons. The bartender asks what the hell his problem is and the panda says "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" then grabs his coat and walks out the door.

The bartender not knowing what else...

If you like a good Sven and Ole joke. . .

Sven recently got promoted to Game Warden for his Minnesota district and was watching a beautiful flock of loon flying overhead. Suddenly, a shot rang out and one of the loon fell to the ground.

Sven, cursing, drove his truck over to where it fell, only to see his lifelong friend, Ole, picki...

A man is arrested for killing a condor

A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."

The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one questio...

So I Was Going to Kill Myself

But I hear whales are endangered.

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

Scooby and the gang on Family Fortunes

The host goes to Daphne and asks her to name an endangered African animal, she ponders for a second and then a voice in the background goes "Rhino!"

The host says "I know you do Scooby, but it's not your go..."

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When driving, they say it is always better hit the animal rather than swerve.

You know, for safety reasons. Swerving endangers everybody around you.

So, I was driving one day, and all of a sudden, a dog jumps out of nowhere and runs across the road! Luckily, i somehow manage to miss him.

I had to chase the fucking thing across a field for 15 minutes before i co...

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An elderly couple went for a ride.

A an elderly couple went out of town to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. They rented a car and drove out of state.

After six hours of long driving, they both got frisky. The wife groped her man's crotch and started giving him a blowjob. The man was so happy since he only receives blo...

2 old ladies are in a car...

When a state trooper spots them on the highway. He notices that they are going very very slowly in the passing lane, and decides to pull them over because going too slowly can be just as dangerous as going to fast!

When he approaches the car, he notices that the old lady in the passenger's se...

Wild Condor

A group of bird watchers is out in the woods and sees a Wild Condor flying in the sky. Everybody is elbowing each other, pointing at the bird and focusing their binoculars. Right about then... a loud gun shot is heard and the bird falls out of the sky. The bird watchers all go running to where th...

There was a deep sea fisherman

That accidentally caught an eagle porpoise - a rare species of porpoise (though not endangered) that inhabits the waters off Southern Mexico to Peru (ie, the Pacific coast). This species has a down-turned snout ideal for catching bottom-dwelling mollusks (octopi and squid) that inhabit the reefs and...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

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