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Infect Jokes

-Sir, you have a bladder infection.

-What’s that?

-Urine trouble, sir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why God invented yeast infections?

So women could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

If a single germ can infect over 300 people...

Imagine what a married one could do.

If you died of a yeast infections...

Would you rise from the dead?

What's an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

Who do you call when your pet cricket has a stomach infection?

A gastro-entomologist!

What do you call a stoned burn victim with a yeast infection?

A Baker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

A man infected with Covid19 walks into a bar and infects everyone

He spread positivity.

What did cavemen use to prevent infections?

Paleosporin

What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an Academy Award-winning actress?

Streep throat

This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn trousers.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

I'm looking to infect my kids with corona virus, to keep them safe...

... since they're visiting Buckingham Palace next week.

If you had the ability to infect a single person with COVID-19, who would it be?

And who would be the next president?

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

Gee, I wonder if SARS-CoV-2 mutated to the point where it could infect birds...

I guess you could call the disease it causes "CO*R*VID-19," eh?

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

The Coronavirus infects you very quickly

The first person who had it was infected right off the bat.

What’s the funniest infection?

Athlete’s foot. It causes the feet to crack up.

What do you call a red head with a yeast infection

A ginger bread house

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What infection can you get for having nasal sex?

Sniffilis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

My girlfriend constantly suffers from urinary tract infections

I told her she put the uti in cutie.

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

Just found out my grandma has been infected

I knew I should have used protection!

Me and my infections finally got together

and had a staff meeting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

Went to the doctor for an ear infection and now I’ve found out I’m actually going deaf.

That news was pretty hard to hear.

I never thought I'd have a fungal infection

But then it grew on me.

Doctor told me I have viral eye infection...

Must be the cornea virus

Hey girl, are you a urinary tract infection?

‘Cuz ur-in-ate out of 10

What's worse than infected soil in the greenhouse?

A global warming denier in the White House.

"The surgery went successful Mr. Dawson, we removed the infected vertebra from your spine."

Dawson: "Doc you sure this will solve my problem?"

Dr: "Don't worry, we got your back!"

The moment we find out dogs really could sniff out coronavirus infections...

We'd ask WHO, let the dogs out! WHO! WHO!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently I'm going to hell because I infected the Donkey next door.

They said I must not COVID my neighbor's ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese man say when he got infected by coronavirus

CORONANI ??!!

How can you tell if someone's infected with the coronavirus?

They have a lime wedge sticking out of the top of their head

What do you call a frat house infected with coronavirus?

Brovid-19

My elevator has an ear infection

It must be Otistis

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

What do COVID and TikTok have in common?

They infect everything they touch

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Good news, you can't get infected if you don't have a license

It's only a Car-ownavirus.

Unfortunately men are still getting infected even when they abide by social distancing

That's because six feet to them is in reality 5'8"

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got an eye infection for rubbing it too hard.

I guess I can’t masturbate for awhile now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ear Infection

They often ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

Her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese prostitute say to her clients to inform them she had a vaginal infection.

Cuntitchywa

A bacteria mom, once, took her infected son to the doctor.

The doctor said, "He's going through a phage..."

What do they call it when your eye is infected with COVID-19?

Corona-Iris. I'll see myself out.

Did you hear about the pregnant redhead with a yeast infection?

She just gave birth to a healthy baby gingerbread man.

What did the doctor say to the man with a serious urinary tract infection?

Urine trouble

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet

"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.

"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

What do you call a cabbage patch doll with a yeast infection?

Saurkrout

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