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Infect Jokes

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese!

If a single germ can infect over 300 people...

Imagine what a married one could do.

Did you hear about the bladder infection people are getting from the RSV that’s been going around?

The doctors are calling it RSV Pee

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

What do COVID and TikTok have in common?

They infect everything they touch

What did cavemen use to prevent infections?

Paleosporin

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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Why did God invent yeast infections?

So women could find out what it's like to live with an annoying cunt!

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

Literal Omnipotence

As the holidays approach, many donation boxes spring up in the streets of New York, like mushrooms after rain, hoping for the holiday spirit to infect patrons with some extra generosity.

A tired commuter walks past some religious donation box, with the attendant soliciting, "Share in the hol...

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

Went to the doctor for an ear infection and now I’ve found out I’m actually going deaf.

That news was pretty hard to hear.

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What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection!

Gee, I wonder if SARS-CoV-2 mutated to the point where it could infect birds...

I guess you could call the disease it causes "CO*R*VID-19," eh?

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

What do you call a red head with a yeast infection

A ginger bread house

This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn trousers.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

-Sir, you have a bladder infection.

-What’s that?

-Urine trouble, sir.

A man infected with Covid19 walks into a bar and infects everyone

He spread positivity.

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

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Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What infection can you get for having nasal sex?

Sniffilis

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

People thought Trump getting infected would change his views on Covid...

...I guess he is asympathetic.

I saw an ill Raven on the side of the road, and took it to a vet.

After a few tests, the vet tells me that it has a viral infection, and to put on a mask.

Turns out it had Crowvid.

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

The Coronavirus infects you very quickly

The first person who had it was infected right off the bat.

"The surgery went successful Mr. Dawson, we removed the infected vertebra from your spine."

Dawson: "Doc you sure this will solve my problem?"

Dr: "Don't worry, we got your back!"

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

What’s the funniest infection?

Athlete’s foot. It causes the feet to crack up.

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

Vaginal yeast infections

Will make the south rise again!

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

Tractor ain't working

A horse peed on my tractor the other day and now it won't run. Seems it's come down with a urinary tractor infection.

My girlfriend constantly suffers from urinary tract infections

I told her she put the uti in cutie.

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet

"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.

"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

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Apparently I'm going to hell because I infected the Donkey next door.

They said I must not COVID my neighbor's ass.

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

There was a story in the news this morning (really!), that researchers have determined that dogs can tell who is infected with COVID-19 with 96% accuracy, even before someone is symptomatic.

My dog is scaring me to death. He came over to me just now, wearing a surgical mask and face shield. I think he's trying to tell me something.

Also suspect that when you go to the hospital with COVID symptoms, they will do a DG scan. It's like a CT scan, only with a dog instead of a cat.

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

With over 1,000,000 people infected with coronavirus in the US, I’m beginning to fear for my own life

Thank god I live in America.

So there's only one state with no confirmed coronavirus infections, do you know which one it is?

The state of denial

Just found out my grandma has been infected

I knew I should have used protection!

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What did the Japanese man say when he got infected by coronavirus

CORONANI ??!!

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

The moment we find out dogs really could sniff out coronavirus infections...

We'd ask WHO, let the dogs out! WHO! WHO!

Unfortunately men are still getting infected even when they abide by social distancing

That's because six feet to them is in reality 5'8"

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm happy to say I am now free of all sexually transmitted diseases..

They are now called sexually transmitted infections.

I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.”

Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.

What did the doctor say to the man with a serious urinary tract infection?

Urine trouble

Good news, you can't get infected if you don't have a license

It's only a Car-ownavirus.

Me and my infections finally got together

and had a staff meeting

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

What do they call it when your eye is infected with COVID-19?

Corona-Iris. I'll see myself out.

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

Doctor told me I have viral eye infection...

Must be the cornea virus

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

How can you tell if someone's infected with the coronavirus?

They have a lime wedge sticking out of the top of their head

I never thought I'd have a fungal infection

But then it grew on me.

What's worse than infected soil in the greenhouse?

A global warming denier in the White House.

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

Now that there are confirmed infections in The White House, Donald Trump is getting a COVID-19 and an IQ test every day...

So far all tests have come back negative.

What do you call a frat house infected with coronavirus?

Brovid-19

Hey girl, are you a urinary tract infection?

‘Cuz ur-in-ate out of 10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo Mama...

...is so nasty, I had phone sex with her and she gave me an ear infection.

Did you hear about the pregnant redhead with a yeast infection?

She just gave birth to a healthy baby gingerbread man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

A bacteria mom, once, took her infected son to the doctor.

The doctor said, "He's going through a phage..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got an eye infection for rubbing it too hard.

I guess I can’t masturbate for awhile now.

What did the urologist say when she suddenly discovered a cure for Urinary Tract Infections?

Urethra!

Did you hear about the doctor that ignored an eye infection and went blind?

He examined himself, but couldn't see anything wrong.

What do you call a cabbage patch doll with a yeast infection?

Saurkrout

I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

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