UPJOKE
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

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Why did God invent yeast infections?

So women could find out what it's like to live with an annoying cunt!

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

Went to the doctor for an ear infection and now I’ve found out I’m actually going deaf.

That news was pretty hard to hear.

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

What do you call a red head with a yeast infection

A ginger bread house

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

A group of mountain climbers all contract Coronavirus, but are strangely unable to infect anybody else.

This is because scalars aren't vectors.

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

A man infected with Covid19 walks into a bar and infects everyone

He spread positivity.

Gee, I wonder if SARS-CoV-2 mutated to the point where it could infect birds...

I guess you could call the disease it causes "CO*R*VID-19," eh?

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

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Yo Mama...

...is so nasty, I had phone sex with her and she gave me an ear infection.

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Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

I'm looking to infect my kids with corona virus, to keep them safe...

... since they're visiting Buckingham Palace next week.

-Sir, you have a bladder infection.

-What’s that?

-Urine trouble, sir.

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn trousers.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

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What infection can you get for having nasal sex?

Sniffilis

People thought Trump getting infected would change his views on Covid...

...I guess he is asympathetic.

What’s the funniest infection?

Athlete’s foot. It causes the feet to crack up.

She had a yeast infection so bad

I stuck a hotdog up her and it came out a corn dog.

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

Vaginal yeast infections

Will make the south rise again!

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

The Coronavirus infects you very quickly

The first person who had it was infected right off the bat.

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

My girlfriend constantly suffers from urinary tract infections

I told her she put the uti in cutie.

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Apparently I'm going to hell because I infected the Donkey next door.

They said I must not COVID my neighbor's ass.

"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet

"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.

"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

The moment we find out dogs really could sniff out coronavirus infections...

We'd ask WHO, let the dogs out! WHO! WHO!

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What did the Japanese man say when he got infected by coronavirus

CORONANI ??!!

With over 1,000,000 people infected with coronavirus in the US, I’m beginning to fear for my own life

Thank god I live in America.

Just found out my grandma has been infected

I knew I should have used protection!

So there's only one state with no confirmed coronavirus infections, do you know which one it is?

The state of denial

I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

Unfortunately men are still getting infected even when they abide by social distancing

That's because six feet to them is in reality 5'8"

I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.”

Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

Good news, you can't get infected if you don't have a license

It's only a Car-ownavirus.

What did the doctor say to the man with a serious urinary tract infection?

Urine trouble

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

Me and my infections finally got together

and had a staff meeting

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

What do they call it when your eye is infected with COVID-19?

Corona-Iris. I'll see myself out.

Doctor told me I have viral eye infection...

Must be the cornea virus

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

How can you tell if someone's infected with the coronavirus?

They have a lime wedge sticking out of the top of their head

I never thought I'd have a fungal infection

But then it grew on me.

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

What do you call a frat house infected with coronavirus?

Brovid-19

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

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A man with a bad toothache visits his dentist

The dentist tells him that he has a cavity that is severely infected and that he will need to get the tooth pulled.

The man says that he will think about it and goes back home. He tells his wife that he doesn’t want to undertake the dental procedure until after the holidays and that he will ...

What's worse than infected soil in the greenhouse?

A global warming denier in the White House.

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I just got an eye infection for rubbing it too hard.

I guess I can’t masturbate for awhile now.

Did you hear about the pregnant redhead with a yeast infection?

She just gave birth to a healthy baby gingerbread man.

What did the urologist say when she suddenly discovered a cure for Urinary Tract Infections?

Urethra!

A bacteria mom, once, took her infected son to the doctor.

The doctor said, "He's going through a phage..."

I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

Did you hear about the doctor that ignored an eye infection and went blind?

He examined himself, but couldn't see anything wrong.

What do you call a cabbage patch doll with a yeast infection?

Saurkrout

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