UPJOKE
touchimpressmovestriketouch onimpactchangepretendbear onaltermodifyconcerninfluenceinfectstimulate

Affecting Jokes

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fear of palindromes is really affecting my life.

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.
That bastard gave me Xanax...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

The quarantine is affecting everyone in the work force but it sucks especially for men

We're losing $1 for every $0.79 woman are losing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My diarrhea is really affecting my life.

I need to get my shit together.

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

Doctors are reporting a new disease affecting commuters in New York.

It only appears to be affecting drivers traveling in groups through the Lincoln Holland Tunnels. The symptoms are pain in the hands and wrists.

Doctors are calling it Car Pool Tunnel syndrome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists recently discovered a sexually transmitted disease affecting many bird species.

No need to worry though. I hear it's tweetable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

A co-worker asked me "How's it going?"

Me: "I can't complain."
Coworker: "Hey it's great you're having a good day!"
Me: "No I mean I literally can't complain. HR said it's affecting morale."

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.