UPJOKE
tellacquaintindicateinstructreportapprisenotifyadvisewarnnarrateevidencefamiliarizeannounceexplaincommunicate

Informed Jokes

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

I knew my dad would start having a rant when I informed him I was going to a pride event.

"You're an impala, they'll eat you", he kept screaming.

I informed my Mexican friend that I had eaten their leftover cheese.

They replied, "K, so?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was informed all my students learned from experience

that's why I decided to teach sex ed

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Watson approached the infamous detective and informed him about his uncomfortable state of prolonged constipation.

"No shit, Sherlock.'

My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.

My Mother informed me today that she now identifies as my father.

I thanked her for being transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to my therapist last week and informed him I had suicidal tendencies....

He told me I needed to start paying in advance.

Just been informed the man who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After running a test, my doctor has informed me I have incredibly healthy sperm.

Hardly surprising though, I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

My doctor informed me that I’m losing my sight.

I didn’t see it coming.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?

A uniformed racist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor informed me that I need to stop masterbating... so I asked why?

He said, "I'm trying to do your check up"...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

I saw my son smoking a cigarette.

I said, "What are you doing, lad?"

He said, "I'm smoking, of course. What does it look like?"

"One cigarette takes seven minutes off your life," I informed him.

"Yeah. And what!?" he asked arrogantly.

"Here," I added, "have my packet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I informed all parents that the students will have to remain celebate until they graduate from school

Mr. Dickinson was not happy

"Breathing is very important when you're swimming," informed my coach.

Quite right. You can't swim when you're dead.

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I informed myself about cock fights, and developed a thought on it

It's not for pussies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant..

the young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.


Sir, she said, I...

A group of professors were called and sat on a plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off, all the professors were informed that the plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape with the exception of one professor who remained seated with so much confidence and calmness...

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

So I was walking past a rose bush today and it said something really crotchety and ill-informed.

I was like, "ok, bloomer."

What do you call a lycanthrope who stays informed about politics & current events?

An Awarewolf

An expecting couple went to the doctor to get an ultrasound done

The doctor told them that their child looked good, but that there was some anomaly or complication, so he asked them to come back next week.

The next week, the doctor did another ultrasound, and informed the couple that they were actually going to have twins. He also noted there was again som...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully sli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat.

Or in other words:

THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE.

After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed...

...that, Sir, this is a liquor store.

What did the condemned prisoner say when he was informed that the hangman forgot the rope?

No noose is good noose.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul repli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I informed the party attendants that someone put laxatives in all the food and drink.

Everyone lost their shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.