Man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Hey! Can I get a chicken sandwich?" The librarian admonishes him, "Sir! This is a library." He replies...

"Oh sorry, *^one ^chicken ^sandwich ^please!* "

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The high school student spent most of his afternoons in the basement mixing chemicals.

One day his father went
down lo find his son surrounded by racks of
test tubes and pounding something into the
wall. "Danny, don't put nails in the wall," his
father admonished.
"It's not a nail, Dad' the young man explained. "It's a worm. I found a formula that
turns things as har...

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

I went to buy an assault rifle today

Astonished by the price, I asked the clerk:

"Do I get a student discount?"

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An atheist and a holy man are playing golf.

The atheist misses his first shot and curses.

“Damn!”

The holy man winces. “I really don’t think you should say things like that.”

“Oh, stop being such a square,” says the atheist.

They keep playing, and a little later, the atheist misses another shot.

“God damn...

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I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest

He *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.

Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he...

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On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defe...

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A shy woman decides to have surgery

She wants to have surgery to remove her large vaginal lips which have always made her self conscious. She finds a doctor and schedules the procedure but swears him to secrecy. "No one can ever know" she admonishes, and he agrees. After the anesthesia wears off she awakes to find three roses on her ...

The Old Lady and the Soviet Newspaper

Back in the days of Stalin, a little old Russian lady would walk up to the newspaper stand every morning to buy the day's newspaper.
And each time, she would look at the front page of the newspaper, curse out loud and throw the newspaper away.
After many years of this, the man at the kiosk...

A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette was dragged, kicking and screaming, to the wall and blindfolded. In desperation, she screamed "TORNADO!". The soldiers, caught by surprise, dropped their guns and covered their heads. The brunette tore off her blindfold and bolted to freedom out of the encampment.

By and by, the ...

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A Priest and a Nun go golfing...

The priest lines up his shot, adjusts his lucky cap, takes a deep breath, and swings! And misses.

"Fuck!" he shouts.

The nun is scandalized and warns the priest-'Father! Watch your language!'
The priest apologizes and decides to move onto the next hole.

He lines up his shot,...

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History lesson

A teacher was attempting to teach American history to her elementary students. She said I will give you a famous quotation from history and I want all who know who said it and when to raise their hand. She said "Give me liberty or give me death." The only one that raised a hand was a Japanese boy. S...

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"

"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"

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Drunk Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer had a few extra shots at the White House ball. Drunk as a skunk, he wandered the grounds until he came upon the Rochambeau statue in Lafayette Square.

As he sat puking in the bushes, he suddenly heard a distinct pssssttt... Afraid that a MSNBC journalist might catch him in this st...

Two Italians are sitting in the NYC subway

One says to the other, "first Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come together, then I come again, then two asses again, then I peepee, and finally I come for the last time."

An old lady looks aghast at the two men and admonished them, "you're in the subway! Behave appropriately!"
...

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Two little boys had a redneck cousin come over to spend the night.

While they were playing in their fort one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousin's finger. The redneck cousin said OW MOTHERFUCKER GET OFF MY FINGER!

The two boys had never heard that word before and asked about it. Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that ev...

A family gets a robot for the household.

A family gets a robot. It does many things. It cooks, cleans, and even slaps someone whenever they lie.

One morning, mom, dad and son are sitting at the breakfast table. The boy says to his father, "Dad I don't feel well. I need to stay home from school." Within a second, SMACK! The robo...

Is she Hungary?

"Is she Hungary?" Jimmy asked.

"Alaska," said Johnny.

"Yes, Siam," she replied.

"All right. I'll Fiji," Jimmy offered.

"Oh, don't Russia " Johnny admonished.

"What if she Whales?" Jimmy demanded.

"Give her a Canada Chile," Johnny suggested.

"I'd rathe...

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Yet another Irish drinking joke

An Irishman with a penchant for coming home drunk after work every night is admonished by his wife every night as he comes in the door. Every night he just waves his hand at her and goes upstairs to pass-out until dinner is ready.

One night the wife decided she's had enough and would teach h...

Found some gems in my grandpa's old journal, thought r/jokes would appreciate them...

I'll try and transcribe them the way he writes them down, but it is pretty hard since most of them are written in cursive.

Husband got up early Sunday morning to fly a kite. He is having a hard time, kite is going up and down. Wife is watching from the window in her nighty. Finally, she becom...

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