An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.

He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.

"Did you see my face?"

"Yes"

BANG, he shoots him.

He ...

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells o...

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A king is about to go on a journey...

...and he gathers his knights. He informs them that he is leaving seven men to guard his queen. He tells these seven knights Ive given my queen a chastity belt. When I return the man who didnt try to sleep with her will be my trusted general and advisor. Upon the kings return he gathers the seven an...

21 Savage will have to change his name to comply with the metric system

53.34 Savage sounds fitting.

This 14 yr old girl in the news that is being frozen cryogenically, her Mother wanted to comply with her wishes, but her Father didn't...

Does he just have to let it go?..

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Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her.

He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him.

The doctor said, "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy."

Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and...

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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

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A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

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AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a ...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

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An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

[Long] A successful man, working as a sales representative...

...in a large company, tells his boss one day, “If you want me to continue working for you, I need a 20% raise.
You have 24 hours to give me an answer.
I have four companies chasing me, so let me know your decision”.

The boss is alarmed. “In this recession, a 20 percent raise?
So...

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A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.

An angel descends and tells them "Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."

To the Irishman, the angel said, "Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drin...

Two drunk men were leaving a bar [Long]

Two drunk men were leaving a bar and decided to drive home.

After driving for a while, they noticed the head of an old man at their window. The driver checked and saw that the car waa going at 40mph and there was no way a man of such age could keep up.

Nontheless, fear striken, he rol...

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I'm driving slowly down a quiet street with no one in sight.

I come up to a stop sign and slow down and it's quite obvious that there's no one remotely near the intersection because there's perfect visibility in all direction.

Just when I cross the intersection a motorcycle cop pops out from behind some bushes where he was hiding. Apparently there was...

Two French generals...

... of the Napolean army were watching a battle from a nearby hill. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the shoulder. Without an instants' pause, he turned to his aide. "Fetch me my red jacket," he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he turned to the other General, and explained that...

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Jon was excited about his new rifle..

... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over. Ev...

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A pair of 18 year old twin brothers live together on a farm in the middle of nowhere...

The house is small so they have to sleep in the barn. One night there's a terrible rainstorm and a beautiful young woman asks for shelter for the night. She's told to sleep in the barn with the brothers.

The young woman decides that she wants to fool around with the brothers, but can tell the...

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