UPJOKE
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Permission Jokes

Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That...
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Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...
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Permission To Marry Your Daughter

Jimmy asks his girlfriend's father permission to propose.

The father says, "I need to ask you two questions. The first question is, do you love my daughter?"

Jimmy eagerly responds, "Sir, I love her with all my heart."

My second question is, "Do you think you earn enough money t...
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I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick
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If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission..

They should just call U2 and ask how they did it
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What do you call it when someone makes you an impressive and expensive feast without asking your permission first?

Pre-sumptuous.
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A guy goes to his girlfriend's father to ask for permission

Guy: "I've come to ask your daughter's hand in marriage"
Father: "Why?"
Guy: "Because I'm tired of using my own now."
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Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry

He said: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"

I replied: "Hi leaving I'm John!"

The wedding is next month
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure’ guy? And what is he running for?
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A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...
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Heard this at a wedding

A woman and her husband had been married for 60 years and had remained faithful and loving this entire time. However, the woman did have one secret; a shoebox in her closet. The shoebox itself was not a secret, but the wife had told the husband that he was never to open or ask about the box, so the...
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After talking with his girlfriend Kim, Steve reluctantly decided it was best to ask for her father’s permission to get married.

"So," said Kim’s father, "you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"

“Not particularly, " Steve responded, "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"
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A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...
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Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?

Because they need permission to come inside.
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A blonde woman moves to first-class on a plane without permission

The flight attendant come up to her, she says "Um excuse me miss, this isn't your seat." The blonde woman replies "Excuse me? Yes it is!" So the Flight Attendant points where her seat is in economy class But she refuses to go back there. Suddenly the captain comes out and asks "what's going on he...
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jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...
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What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer
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Why do melons need their parents’ permission to get married?

Because they can’t elope!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody once told me to ask for forgiveness, not permission...

Great, now I'll never get anal OR dinner ever again

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why can't you get pregnant from having sex with a vampire?

Because they need permission to come inside

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.
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I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.

I was beside myself with anger.
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What do you call it when the floor staff at a chicken processing facility take over the business without the owner's permission?

A coup de coop.
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A criminologist asks a prison warden for permission to interview all the white inmates.

"Sure," the warden agrees, "But why only the white inmates? You're not a racist, are you?"

"Nothing of the sort," the researcher replies, "But I do need to limit the study to criminals."
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
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The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so,

He felt undermined.
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In light of recent events I figured I should apologize to the woman who I masturbated in front of without permission.

To be fair though, you should have knocked Mom.

Why did the melon have to ask permission before getting married?

Because he cantaloupe.
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Dad Joke - Did the melon get married without permission?

No, it Cantelope.
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My friend took my mood ring without my permission.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.
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"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."
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In honor of, and with apologies to, Tony Bennett

Two close friends, Sam Frank and Frank Sam, pass away on the same day. Frank Sam, having led a good life, went to heaven and played a harp in the celestial choir. Sam Frank, having led a somewhat less noble life, wound up in hell running a disco. Frank Sam really missed his old friend and asked perm...
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If someone cloned me without my permission and then sat that clone down right next to me, do you know how angry I would be?

I would be beside myself.
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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

Dog Rules....

1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay OFF the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furnitu...
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A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...
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Bobby buys condoms

Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn't find them. He tells the pharmacist "I'm going to need a dozen condoms?". The pharmacist replies "Sure thing. Big night tonight?" With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said "Oh yeah, I'm going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She's a b...

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

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Why do vampires never get people pregnant?

They can’t cum inside without permission

Why do soldiers need to ask every time if they are allowed into battle?

It's permission
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A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...
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[long] Grandpa tells his stories of his time in the war

Susie's fifth-grade class was studying history, and she got permission to bring her grandfather in to class so they could hear his stories of being a wartime fighter pilot over Germany.

"We were the best fighter squad, given all the most dangerous missions," he told them. "Once, Jerry caught ...
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Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...
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A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...
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I can proudly say that I'm the head of the family and whatever decisions I make are final

I even got my wife's permission to say so
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Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...
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MC Hammer was constipated.

Apparently he was 2 legit 2 shit

Inspired by my 7 year old, who asked permission to use a mommy/daddy word.

A General was dispatched to the Kremlin I order to give Putin an update on the situation in Ukraine.

When he got there, he was met at the door by a Marshall, who pulled him aside and whispered “The President is a very busy man, and he only has the time for a single word from you, so think it over, and choose your word wisely!”

So the general mulled it over, as he nervously awaited his call. ...
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It was time for the day of revelations. The Apocalypse.

The Lord said, "IS ALL IN PREPERATION?"

And his angels said, "Yes, oh, Alpha and Omega! Shall we break the seals?"

And the Lord said, "LET IT BE DONE."

Conquest, War, Famine and Death were then unleashed. As one, they asked in their terrible voices: "Shall we unleash the final ...

The Dangerous Pilot

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging across a national park. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.

When he gets to the forest, the photographer discovers thick smoke wh...
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Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

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A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.







(originally posted by Hypochondriac912, got permission to repost on this day because it’s my dad’s death anniversary- been 15 years today)
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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and me for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.



(Not OC but OP gave permission to repost with corrected title a month after the original post)

Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)
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Here is one of my favourite Iranian jokes that I've translated to English for you all, hope you like it

One day there was a king who had the the most beautiful daughter anyone had ever seen.

Everyone wanted to sleep with his daughter so he thought he would make a game of this.

King: "Anyone who can wrestle my lion and kill it will be given permission fuck my daughter"

For days m...

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Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

Friend: Dude,i am in pain. I just got my ear operation done and had to get a new one.

Me: HAPPY NEW EAR.






(I am giving you permission to kill me for this *joke*)
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A redneck makes a phone call

The man on the other end picks up. "Hello?"

The redneck, voice nervously shaking, says, "Sir, I-I'd like to ask permission to m-marry your daughter. We're in love."

The man replies, "Of course you have my permission. You're my son and I want you to be happy."
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There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth ...
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A girl goes to confession [NSFW]

Girl: Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.


Priest: Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?


Girl: Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission.


Priest: Do you mean like this? (He touches her arm.)


Girl: Yes father.


Pri...

“YOU WILL OBEY ORDERS OR I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME ENSIGN?” The officer demanded.

“SIR YES SIR!” The ensign replied. “REQUESTING PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY SIR!”

“GRANTED.” The officer bellowed.

“DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME, SIR!”
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A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop.

The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit.

Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, ...
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When I’m sad I think to myself,

Who signed my permission form for the feels trip
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I made a website for orphans as well.

But you need your parents’ permission before going online.
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I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site...
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Hunters

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I do...
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An American and a Mexican are sitting at the beach when a genie offers both of them one wish.

The American says:

"I'd like a 5-mile-high wall around the US so that no foreigners or illegal Chinese goods can enter without our government's permission." And voilá the wall is built.

The genie then asks the Mexican what he wants:

"Fill it with lava."
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A woman is on her way to church

Wearing a tight leather skirt, she realizes she can’t reach her leg up to the first step of her church’s shuttle bus. Reaching behind her, she pulls the zipper down a little bit then tries again.

She attempts to take a step up, can’t reach, and reaches behind her again to pull down the zippe...
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Defining piracy

If i have fish and you are hungry and I offer you my fish - That's generosity...
If i have fish and you are hungry and you eat it without my permission - That's stealing..
If i have fish and 5000 of you are hungry and i make 5000 copies of the fish and all of us eat contently - I am fukin Jes...

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

Me - "Arab countries are so backward, there most of married girls can't even vote on Soacial Media polls without asking their husbands."

Friend - "That's not the truth, there is no such law Arab countries"
Me - "But you need to have a guardian permission to sign up into Social Media if you are less than 13 years old"
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Three pure men go to see a priest

These three men have never committed a sin in their lives. They ask the priest if they can drink from the holy water. The priest says, "no, you must commit a sin first so that you can be forgiven." So the three men leave to go commit their sins.

The first man comes back to the priest and says...

Why could the nordic olympian not finish the race?

He didn't have permission to cross the Finnish line.
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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

Asking for her hand...

A guy went to his girlfriend's house for dinner to gain her father's permission for marriage. After the dinner, she and her mother went to the kitchen while her father and the guy sat down in the living room to talk this through.

The father said, "Okay son, I understand the purpose of this vi...
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So there's this incest family...

and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that...

Do you know why vampires never run afoul of consent law?

Because they have to have permission to enter.
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My girlfriend said I should be louder in the bedroom.

But apparently she didn't give me permission to snore.
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Little Johny's mom dies and dad remarries

The stepmom is very loving and caring and always goes the extra mile to make Little Johny feel loved. One day the dad leaves town for a business trip. At night Little Johny has a nightmare and gets scared. So he goes upto his stepmom's room and enquires if he could sleep next to her, and she obliges...

The Flintstones

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
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Eyyyy bb, were you issued a Senegalese skydiver's certification?

Because you got permission to jump in Dakar.
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A talmudist goes to Moscow...

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist
from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop,
a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young
man and he thought: This f...

So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:

Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet
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A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

A girl wants to go to the concert...

She asked her dad for his permission, and he said, "no, but you can buy the album, and that's vinyl."
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My wife...she says I can be a jerk some times

I think it's nice of her to give me permission like that.

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A young man says to his girlfriend's father

"Sir, I would like your permission to marry your daughter."

And Dad says "You know, it's lovely to find such a well-mannered young man, and we think she's very lucky to have found you -- but can I just ask, do you know she has acute angina?"

And the young man says "You're telling m...

Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...

When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying co...
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Two Drunk Englishmen

...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog licking it's own bollocks.

The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"

The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"
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We were watching the Megan Fox Ninja Turtle movie with my son.

And my wife says, "There seems to be a lot of girls hanging from things in this."
I replied, "It's the classic damsel in distress storytelling." Then I whispered, "Plus girls never let go of shit."
We both laughed and she gave me permission to share it.

Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.

He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church. Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time. At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned. The priest...
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I was driving in the road and almost hit a fox...

...so I thought it would be a great pet for me.

Placed it over the backseat and continued driving. 2 miles ahead a police officer stopped me and asked me if h could inspect my vehicle due to reports of drug dealers in the area, I agreed, as soon he aproached the back window he saw the fox and...
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