UPJOKE
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Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That...

One time as a kid, I took my Dad’s voltmeter without his permission…

I got grounded

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

A blonde woman moves to first-class on a plane without permission

The flight attendant come up to her, she says "Um excuse me miss, this isn't your seat." The blonde woman replies "Excuse me? Yes it is!" So the Flight Attendant points where her seat is in economy class But she refuses to go back there. Suddenly the captain comes out and asks "what's going on he...

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

Why did the watermelons ask for permission to get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

Permission To Marry Your Daughter

Jimmy asks his girlfriend's father permission to propose.

The father says, "I need to ask you two questions. The first question is, do you love my daughter?"

Jimmy eagerly responds, "Sir, I love her with all my heart."

My second question is, "Do you think you earn enough money t...

After talking with his girlfriend Kim, Steve reluctantly decided it was best to ask for her father’s permission to get married.

"So," said Kim’s father, "you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"

“Not particularly, " Steve responded, "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"

A guy goes to his girlfriend's father to ask for permission

Guy: "I've come to ask your daughter's hand in marriage"
Father: "Why?"
Guy: "Because I'm tired of using my own now."

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A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

Why do soldiers need to ask every time if they are allowed into battle?

It's permission

What do you call it when the floor staff at a chicken processing facility take over the business without the owner's permission?

A coup de coop.

Hunters

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I do...

I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry

He said: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"

I replied: "Hi leaving I'm John!"

The wedding is next month

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission..

They should just call U2 and ask how they did it

"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."

If someone cloned me without my permission and then sat that clone down right next to me, do you know how angry I would be?

I would be beside myself.

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Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure’ guy? And what is he running for?

What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

Why couldn't the Vampire get his wife pregnant?

He needs permission to come inside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do vampires never get people pregnant?

They can’t cum inside without permission

Why don't vampires have surprise pregnancies?

They need permission to come inside

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so,

He felt undermined.

A farmer & his 3 beautiful daughters.

This farmer has 3 beautiful daughters and at the local village there's a Fair coming up.

The boys in the village are trying to figure out how to gain the farmers permission to ask his daughters out to the fair and hear he's a big fan of poetry

A few of the boys brainstorm on what they ...

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Defining piracy

If i have fish and you are hungry and I offer you my fish - That's generosity...
If i have fish and you are hungry and you eat it without my permission - That's stealing..
If i have fish and 5000 of you are hungry and i make 5000 copies of the fish and all of us eat contently - I am fukin Jes...

Why do melons need their parents’ permission to get married?

Because they can’t elope!

If a group of four people walked onto private property without permission, would it be trespassing...

...or would it be cuatropassing?

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

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In light of recent events I figured I should apologize to the woman who I masturbated in front of without permission.

To be fair though, you should have knocked Mom.

My friend took my mood ring without my permission.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I can proudly say that I'm the head of the family and whatever decisions I make are final

I even got my wife's permission to say so

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Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

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Somebody once told me to ask for forgiveness, not permission...

Great, now I'll never get anal OR dinner ever again

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

Why did the Satanist Unix Cult never perform executions ?

Because the permissions were 666

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.







(originally posted by Hypochondriac912, got permission to repost on this day because it’s my dad’s death anniversary- been 15 years today)

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A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

The perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous ...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth ...

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Little Johny's mom dies and dad remarries

The stepmom is very loving and caring and always goes the extra mile to make Little Johny feel loved. One day the dad leaves town for a business trip. At night Little Johny has a nightmare and gets scared. So he goes upto his stepmom's room and enquires if he could sleep next to her, and she obliges...

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

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Why doesn't sex with vampires result in pregnancy?

Because vampires can't come inside without permission.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

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“Don’t let COVID dominate you” might be the Trumpiest quote ever

My bitch ass was sitting here letting my cells replicate without even asking my permission.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and me for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.



(Not OC but OP gave permission to repost with corrected title a month after the original post)

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

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My dad's favorite joke that he created

Warning: this joke is not good in any way

Three men go on a walkabout vacation in the outback of Australia. They have never been to the continent, and unknowingly tresspassed on aboriginal grounds.

Towards dusk, they are ambushed and kidnapped by aborigines. They are taken back to thie...

Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.



"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put ...

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

A woman is on her way to church

Wearing a tight leather skirt, she realizes she can’t reach her leg up to the first step of her church’s shuttle bus. Reaching behind her, she pulls the zipper down a little bit then tries again.

She attempts to take a step up, can’t reach, and reaches behind her again to pull down the zippe...

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds her...

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Bobby buys condoms

Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn't find them. He tells the pharmacist "I'm going to need a dozen condoms?". The pharmacist replies "Sure thing. Big night tonight?" With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said "Oh yeah, I'm going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She's a b...

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.

He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church. Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time. At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned. The priest...

A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop.

The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit.

Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, ...

Friend: Dude,i am in pain. I just got my ear operation done and had to get a new one.

Me: HAPPY NEW EAR.






(I am giving you permission to kill me for this *joke*)

Me - "Arab countries are so backward, there most of married girls can't even vote on Soacial Media polls without asking their husbands."

Friend - "That's not the truth, there is no such law Arab countries"
Me - "But you need to have a guardian permission to sign up into Social Media if you are less than 13 years old"

“YOU WILL OBEY ORDERS OR I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME ENSIGN?” The officer demanded.

“SIR YES SIR!” The ensign replied. “REQUESTING PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY SIR!”

“GRANTED.” The officer bellowed.

“DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME, SIR!”

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

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Here is one of my favourite Iranian jokes that I've translated to English for you all, hope you like it

One day there was a king who had the the most beautiful daughter anyone had ever seen.

Everyone wanted to sleep with his daughter so he thought he would make a game of this.

King: "Anyone who can wrestle my lion and kill it will be given permission fuck my daughter"

For days m...

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A girl goes to confession [NSFW]

Girl: Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.


Priest: Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?


Girl: Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission.


Priest: Do you mean like this? (He touches her arm.)


Girl: Yes father.


Pri...

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NSFW A man and a woman are making passionate love...

and the man dies of a heart attack.

The undertaker removes the body and prepares it for burial, the problem being that the erection that the guy had has not gone away, and unless something can be done, the coffin will need something like a periscope to accomodate the protruding organ. They p...

One day at the zoo

One day a man was killing some time at the zoo, and while walking through the large cats exhibit noticed a young child climbing on the fence surrounding the lion. All of a sudden the young child lost his balance and fell inside the cage. The man noticed the lion look over and without thinking jump...

The Ginnie and the Politicians [LONG]

There are three politicians, the Chinese, the Russian and the American, they found a Ginnie and the Ginnie says, I can make 3 wishes, and you are three, so one whish for each one, they agree and the Chinese goes first,

Chinese: I want to make my country one of the richest, give me mountains o...

I was driving in the road and almost hit a fox...

...so I thought it would be a great pet for me.

Placed it over the backseat and continued driving. 2 miles ahead a police officer stopped me and asked me if h could inspect my vehicle due to reports of drug dealers in the area, I agreed, as soon he aproached the back window he saw the fox and...

An American and a Mexican are sitting at the beach when a genie offers both of them one wish.

The American says:

"I'd like a 5-mile-high wall around the US so that no foreigners or illegal Chinese goods can enter without our government's permission." And voilá the wall is built.

The genie then asks the Mexican what he wants:

"Fill it with lava."

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site...

I made a website for orphans as well.

But you need your parents’ permission before going online.

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A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...

When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying co...

When I’m sad I think to myself,

Who signed my permission form for the feels trip

Why could the nordic olympian not finish the race?

He didn't have permission to cross the Finnish line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the...

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Two hunters went hunting for deer...

Bob and Jim went hunting for deer one day.

As polite hunters always do, they stopped by the farmhouse to ask the farmer for permission to hunt. The farmer agreed to let the two hunt, but warned them that he had a very large farm and it would be easy to become disoriented and lost.

The ...

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So there's this incest family...

and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that...

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A young man wants to borrow his dad's car

A young man who had just turned 16 wanted to take his dad's coveted Camaro for his first drive as a licensed adult. He goes to his dad and asks "Dad can I take the Camaro for my first drive?" the Dad says, "Well son, I just have one question: Can you touch your butthole with your dick?" The son, sho...

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

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