If Trump succumbs, the first phone call President Pence receives...

...should be from the Mexican government offering to pay for his gravestone.

How do you get 46 out of 25?

Coronavirus.


To explain: The 25th amendment will result in the 46th president if the 45th president succumbs to coronavirus.

Don't succumb to peer pressure. . . .

. . . Remember, none of your friends do.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

Six Assassins Walk into a Bar

The first assassin is killed with a gunshot to the head by the second, who is in turn shot in the neck from the third assassin, who succumbs to a hole in the chest from the fourth, who bleeds out from a gun to the temple from the fifth, who gets executed by the sixth.

"W-what can I do for you...

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

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Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward."

So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, "What is your wife's name?" The guy says, "Her name is Penny."

St. Peter gives a disapproving...

Limerick

There was a young girl named Sapphire


Who succumbed to her lover's desire.


She said, "It's a sin,


But now that it's in,



Could you shove it a few inches higher?

My friends forced me into their orgy last night.

I succumbed to peer pleasure.

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Ha...

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

A glutton, an adulterer, and a stoner are approaching the gates to heaven...

As the sinners stand at the gates, St. Peter addresses them each in turn.

To the glutton he says, "The excess food that you ate could have fed thousands of the poor and starving. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the glutton found h...

Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by. One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street. “Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life!” he exclaims.

After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the s...

Fellowship of the ring

As the fellowship of the ring was being formed Bilbo had been eavisdropping outside of the meeting, not being able to help his curiosity.
He had heard young Frodo take upon himself the burden of the ring, Sam, Merry and Pippin joining him on the foolish quest. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Boromir ...

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A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed

After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.

So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his...

R.I.P Bob

Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killin...

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In light of Trump’s increasing volume of golf: What’s the difference between Hitler and Trump?

It only took Hitler one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

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3 recent college graduates are looking for a job.

They were in the receptionist's office waiting for their interviews. The first one gets called in.
HR manager: "We are a young growing company and we need people with good powers of observation. I want you to make an observation about anything you see in my office and you tell me all about it"...

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Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
...

Little Johnny

One day little Johnny was playing in the sandbox with his crush, Sally. As they are playing, Johnny let's out a little fart causing the smallest little puff of sand. Embarrassed, Johnny starts to apologize. Before he has the chance, Sally interupts him proclaiming "that was amazing, how did you do t...

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[Long] In the midst of World War 3, a fighter pilot is shot down behind enemy lines and taken prisoner.

Upon reaching the prisoner encampment, the pilot notices three tents in front of him before he is approached by the enemy commander.

"Prisoner! We will give you an opportunity to gain your freedom by completing three challenges in the tents behind me, which if successfully completed, you w...

There once was a man named Myas...

One day Myas and his two friends planned a trip to sail across the vast ocean. They rented a ship and when the date came, they set sail. Everything was going accordingly until the third night when a storm happened upon them. Waves buffeted the hull. Gusts of wind enveloped the sails. As the ship roc...

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Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church...

The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile.

"You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin."

The men...

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A 50 year old man enters a confession box and kneels

Man: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."

Priest: "Tell me your sins son. The Lord is generous and knows we all succumb to weakness from time to time."

Man: "I've been carrying on an affair for the last 6 months with a gorgeous 25-year-old blond women. She has a beautiful figure, vo...

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There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred...

Oh Jessica...

A fatal stabbing left a man bleeding to death just outside of an apartment complex, alone. As he started to lose consciousness, the man began writing the name of his killer, Jeffrey, his next door neighbor. The name was left incomplete, as he'd succumbed just after almost finishing the first "F"....

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A pregnant woman gets caught in the crossfire of a bank robbery...

She gets shot, and wakes up in the hospital only to see a doctor standing next to her bed. "Wha-what happened? What's going on?" She says. To which the doctor replies, busy and indifferent, "Well, I have good news and bad news...the good news is your pregnancy is unaffected and you will have your tr...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

Two men in a desert

Two men are wandering the desert. They've been there for days, and can't remember how they got there; the only thing in their minds right now is that they need water to survive another day in this scorching heat.

Midday passes, and the men are succumbing to despair - but wait, what's this? Th...

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice.

The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Veg...

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From Memphis Belle

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base th...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

...because it was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree...because it was tied to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree...because it succumbed to peer pressure.

Why did the little boy fall off of the swing...because he was hit by the 3 fall...

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