A trans woman complained about having her makeup done without her consent.

"I told him not to do it but he did anyway!"

But the guy who did her makeup told his side of the story:

"You DID consent. I asked if I could do it and your exact words were 'I'll pass, thanks.'"

What do you call a vampire who doesn’t ask for consent?

A vapist

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

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The voting age should be the same as the age of consent

If the government can fuck me I should be able to vote

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The amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my consent

When i found out, i was fluming!

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The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares y...

Consent is golden. Duct tape is sliver.

And sometimes, you gotta come in second place.

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I made my girlfriend sign a consent form before we had sex.

It was a big deal.

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What does a rapist say when you tell them a joke about consent?

"I don’t get it."

If you eat a banana without it's consent

Does that make it Ripe?

What do you call it when a cow get's milked without consent?

"Moo-lestation"

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What do you call a bunch of swords that go around fucking people without their consent?

Rapiers.

Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent?

Because they contain a lot of fowl language.

Whats the age of consent in Thailand?

50$

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A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill...

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I like sex just like school trips.

With consent.

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My wife hit me with this one last night [NSFW]

Me (jokingly): I need you to fill out a consent form before we have sex

Her: Nah, Alexa records everything so verbal consent will do

In America,

Drinking age is 21

Voting age is 18

R-rated movies start at 17

Age of consent in most states is 16

Adult ticket prices start at 13

Why do people run from the rain while they go willingly under the shower?

Consent

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Thor hasn't had sex in a while...

It's been a long time. Thor decides he needs to get off.

And human chicks are hot.

So he visits Earth. Goes to a bar, meets a girl. With his God of Thunder good looks, his adventurous and supernatural stories, and the confidence of, well, an actual deity, she falls for him instantly....

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With all the sexual impropriety charges happening recently...

I have my hand sign a consent form before I masturbate.

Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

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Steve and Natalia

Steve and world famous super model Natalia are stranded on an uninhabited island after the sinking of their cruise ship. After securing their survival they eventually start having sex and Steve is ecstatic. After about three weeks he gets antsy and asks Natalia, if she could put on one of his shirts...

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

Why does a shower feel good but rain feels bad?

Consent

His Confession

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty." ...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

A man gets tired of the rat race and decides to join a monastery...

...

On his first day the Monsignor tells him, "Brother, to be a monk here you must take a vow of silence that will only allow you to speak two words every 10 years. Do you consent?"

The man agrees and is assigned various duties to perform along with his meditations and such.

Af...

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...

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Honeydicked

A married couple decide to go to a nude beach for their honeymoon.

As they are laying out enjoying the sun a bee flies right up between the wife’s legs. The husband rushes her to the hospital.

He explains to the doctor that his wife is allergic to bees and begs him to help.

S...

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An American man and his son went on vacation to Finland.

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one a...

Want to hear a Cosby joke?

Wait ... I told it wrong. I wasn't supposed to ask for consent.

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

I got in trouble at the swimming pool...

apparently you need consent to do the breast-stroke

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Three men walk into a bar.

The first man looks like he hasn't had any sleep in days. His clothes are ragged and torn, and his face is clammy and unshaven. He sits down on the stool and slumps over in a groggy state.

The second man is in a similar state, but is wearing a suit. His tie is strewn over his shoulders, and h...

The Farmer's Daughters

Farmer Brown had 3 lovely daughters. The daughters announce to their father they are going out on dates that night. Farmer Brown agrees under the condition that he gets to talk to each of the young men first.
The first young man knocks on the door and Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgu...

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I kidnapped this girl last night...

And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a virgin!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.

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Pillsbury Doughboy

So, the Pillsbury Doughboy was walking down the street one day minding his own business when Woody from Toystory happens upon him. The two recognize each other and say hello, and have a little chat. As the pair were saying their good byes, Woody asks "Can I poke your belly." Doughboy says "I would r...

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While explaining sexual orientations to a classmate...

My classmate asks "wait, what's polyamory?"

-

I begin to explain that it's when one person can be involved in many different intimate relationships with the knowledge and consent from all of the parties involved.

When my professor overhears from the front of the class....and eru...

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Topical Jokes for 11/2

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Alabama, a man who robbed a Subway said he did so because he tried the “Subway Diet”, but didn’t lose weight. Police describe the suspect as armed and extremely gullible.

In New York City, a health department wor...

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A trucker was driving down the highway...

... when he came upon a bridge. On the railing was a woman, who appeared as if she was about to jump off. The trucker stopped, ran up to the woman and yelled, "No! Don't do this! It's not worth it!" The woman replied, "You can't stop me! One more step closer and I'm jumping for sure!" The trucker th...

The Portrait Artist

A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.

She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude."

This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a mar...

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What's the difference between raping and rapping?

One's mostly done by criminals in shady neighborhoods, and the other is sex without consent.

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Today I was asked, "What is something you prefer from a sexual partner, but could go without?"

"Consent"

3 Monks

It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique and exotic plant life.

One day, some children where playing behind the shop and were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant.

The parents, needless to say,...

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A man suffering from erectile dysfunction goes to the doctor's...

A man suffering from erectile dysfunction goes to the doctor's.

He asks the doc, "Is there any surgery currently available that can fix me permanently? I'm sick of living like this! I'll do anything!"

The doc says, "Well actually there is an interesting surgery that being pioneered in ...

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bungle in the jungle

a lady journalist tracks down Tarzan , he consents to give her an interview. After a while she spots that he has a hardon. She asks him what he does for sex. He points to a hole in a nearby tree and explains that this is what he uses for sex. She took of her clothes and told him he was in for a trea...

A Photographer Hears About a Ghost Appearance...

It was said to be appearing that night, in an abandoned house. This was said to only happen every one hundred years. So, the photographer packs his equipment and goes to the house. Around midnight, the ghost appears. It turns out to be quite friendly, and consents to have its picture taken. The phot...

A Russian man comes across an old vodka bottle

When he picks it up and opens it, a genie appears.

"Thank you so much for releasing me! Now let me do something for you. How would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?"

The man consents.

All of the sudden, he finds himself on a battlefield facing eight German tanks w...

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