My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

What did methane say on reacting with oxygen in presence of m2o3?

That's the wrong hole that's the wrong hole



Context: CH4 + O2 ( in presence of Mo2O3)-->hcho(meth-anal)

My mom didn't react very well to when I told her "If you enter my room, I will hit you"

Because she didn't hear me say "I'm jump roping."

I heard this joke sometime ago...

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in a leash...

The bartender says: “Woah, you can’t bring that in here!”

And the man says: “It’s OK, my crocodile is tame... look!”

*and he unzips his pants and proceeds to put his d!ck in the crocodiles mouth.
The crocodile doesn’t reac...

Why do scientists hate reacting the 1 mol concentration of a carboxyl acid and 1 mil concentration alkane?

They make 1 mol-ester!

I don't know how my girlfriend will react when she finds out that I sleep with almost everyone I meet.

Guess I'll have to stick around and find out.

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Reacting to fear. [long]

I was gathering information for my psychology thesis and set out to interview people who have been in dangerous situations and find out how they reacted to extreme fear.

After some inquires I'd discovered there was a gentleman in a nearby assisted care facility that had been a wildlife photog...

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My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

How do Hawaiians react to a reposted joke?

A low ha.

How did CNN react to Jeffrey Epstein's death?

Fake noose!

How did the blind farmer react when his dog got loose in his cantaloupe patch?

He felt a bit melancholy.

What happens when the Queen farts?

Nothing.
As noble gases do not react.

We react to a crisis with the utmost decorum.

The shouting and screaming are only coincidental.

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Bar Experiment

One night a guy and some of his friends went to a bar. The guy saw a very sexy woman all by herself. His friends told him to go talk to her. What's the worst that could happen? As he approached the woman he said, "Hi my name is Jeff" with a big smile. Out of nowhere, the woman yelled out, "NO I WON'...

What did the sodium hydride said when asked if want to react?

NaH.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

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One day at a busy airport

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is ...

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

Starbucks Reacts to Covid-19: Baristas to start wearing masks

Our as they call them, coughee filters.

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

ZERO equals ONE

A boy comes home from middle school and his father asks what he learned in school today, to which the boy responds, "ZERO equals ONE" yelling it practically. The father looks at him and says, "Son, zero is zero and one is one." But the boy continues yelling, annoyingly now, "ZERO equal ONE, ZERO e...

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.

For example, if a police K9 is bitting him, he may not be ideal.

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My sister and I went home to Alabama for mothers day to visit and we were out shopping for a gift for mom when a guy walks by and slaps my sister in the ass. I reacted quick and gave him the ol' one two.

Because no one slaps my girls ass but me.

What did Chlorine say upon reacting with Fluorine?

No Bromo

How did the Pepsi CEO react when he was fired?

He got soda pressed that he developed a Coke habit.

My dad didn't react to my dad joke at all.

Turns out he's been dead all along!

When copper reacts,

....you get lead.

How did people react to the latest happenings in france internationally?

"Notre Damn"

What do you call it when Shrek gets mad?

Ogre-reacting!

How do you react when an anti vaxxer wants to speak to you?

You give them a shot.

A young man goes into a confessional booth and confesses to the priest that he used the Lord's name in vain.

"Tell me what happened my child, so we may begin the path of forgiveness." Said the priest behind the curtain.

"I was golfing," began the man. "And my first shot went deep into the rough."

"Ah, and that is where you misused the Lord's name is it?" Replied the priest.

"No father,...

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Chickens react to Easter Eggs

Some farmer's kids are painting eggs for Easter. One looks up and says, "Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?"

"I don't know," says the other. "Let's find out!"

They go into the chicken coop, steal the fresh eggs and replace them with the colorful eggs. The kids s...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

Helium walks into a bar

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender turns around and says: "We don't serve noble gases."
Helium does not react.

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "...

How did the prison guard react when the inmate arrived on the elevator?

Very condescending.

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K-9 Super Dog

My dog, Enforcer, has extremely sensitive olfactory receptors. I have trained him to be able to detect everything from bombs and drugs to cancer.

We do a lot of training for the police and the process can be very annoying. There is always at least one officer that doesn't believe a dog can d...

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My friend constantly over-reacts to people's little quirks

And that drives me bat-shit crazy!

Kids React

[removed]

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs

Seriously I don't know how to react. I've been his loyal customer for 3 years and I didn't know he was a barber

How to react to a dad joke.

Dad "makes a dad joke"
Me : oh my god ...
Dad : You called me ?

We had an explosion in one of our chemistry labs last week.

Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

On...

Why didn't anyone react when the king farted?

Because it was a noble gas

An aspiring writer once said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.

How did the firefly react when he was stepped on?

He was delighted.

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

How did the set react when it heard about the Russell Paradox?

It couldn't contain itself.

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How do you call a nazi that doesn't react?

A neon nazi

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

the owner looks up and says "Well, hello Sister Mary, how can I help you?"
The nun says "I need a fifth of liquor"
The owner reacts with surprise and asks "Why do you want liquor?"
Sister Mary replies "Oh, it's for medicinal purposes"
"Well, in that case" says the owner, and sell her wha...

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

The Potato

A man went to the beach in hopes of meeting a pretty girl, but he couldn't attract attention no matter what he did.

He noticed another man in a speedo and a cowboy hat. All the girls at the beach were flocking around him, flirting and smiling. The man walked up to the guy in the cowboy hat an...

I told my friend a chemistry joke. He didn't react...

I wanted to tell my girlfriend, but SHe doesn't exist.

Oh, boy! Horsie ride!

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
<...

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Choosing a Secretary

A businessman decides that it is time to hire a new secretary and has it narrowed down to a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. Unable to choose between the three of them, he decides to conduct an experiment. At the end of the day he places a five dollar bill on the ground in his office to see how ea...

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

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EAT! [OC]

One day ,a guy comes from work,his wife offers him something to eat.Buy the guy rejects her offer kindly, because he ate the same thing for lunch.The wife starts reacting like crazy and yells “GET THE FUCK OUT, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN”.After the guy leaves,he goes to his friend and starts expl...

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You are strolling through the forest with a friend...

When you hear a bear nearby. Your friend, who's quicker than you, climbs a tree nearby and leaves you behind.

The bear appears, horny as hell, looks at you and fucks you in the ass before going on his way. Your friend comes down, has a good laugh, then carries you back home.

The next d...

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

I asked one of my students to use the word contagious in a sentence...

He said: “trump should have reacted quicker to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it took the contagious”

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

Walks into a bar chemistry jokes

Silver walks into a bar
He sees gold in the distance and yell’s,
“AU! Get outa here!”

Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says,
“Sorry we don’t serve noble gases here”
Helium doesn’t react

Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon and argon walk into a bar.

The bartender shouts at them: "GET OUT!"

They didn't react.

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English training before he visited Washington to meet president Barack Obama

The instructor told Prime Minister Mori, '"When you shake hands with President Obama, please ask 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama will say, 'I am fine and you?'. Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards, we translators, will do the work for you."

It looked quite simple but when Mori met Obama,...

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

A Proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar...

A proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar and order three beers.
The bartender appears with three beers in hand and asks the proton, “Are you sure you are above 21?”
The proton replies, “I’m positive.” The bartender then gives the proton his beer.
He then says to neutron while giving ...

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

A senior citizen is pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

The trooper says, “If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman replies, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” The trooper frowns. “That’s a repost, sir. You’re under arrest. I’m afraid I...

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:

The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you ...

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

One of them asks - "How would you react if you recognized your favorite actor or actress in the streets?"

He responds - "I doubt I'd recognize them."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't often look at their face."

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

A shy guy walks into a bar...

... and sees a a beautiful girl. After an hour, he goes to try talking to her:

-Excuse me, can we talk for some minutes?

Afterwards, the girl screams:

-NO! I Don't wanna sleep with you!

Now everyone in the bar looks weird to them. Obviously, the guy, ashamed, goes back to...

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What do Japanese cannibals eat

Rawmen


Edit: Wow my first post is actually doing pretty well.
Thanks for upvotes and comments. I really don't know how to react.

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

I am pretty sure helium hates my jokes

Yeah,he pretty much dosent react to any of them

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Man Vs Gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.
!'<...

I called my cat Photoshop...



...but she reacts only to abbreviation.

A guy is sitting next to a beautiful girl on a train

A guy is sitting next to a beautiful girl on a train. During the journey the train goes through a tunnel so the whole train car turns dark. At the end of the tunnel, the girl stands up and starts screaming at the guy: "Get away from me, you pig! I wonder what your mom or your sister would think if t...

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Jim and bob are working

Jim and bob are working for the same big international company. They get underpaid and the workload is huge. At some point during the friday lunch Jim just has enough and goes "That's it! I'm going to quit and I'll show them who's boss."

He stands up and like a mad bull rages towards the CEO ...

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

A drunk man walks into a music store...

...and slurs: "I want to buy the trumpet and the accordion there".
The seller replies: "Sorry, I'm not selling those".

The drunk man starts grunting and leaves the store.
The next day he comes back and says: I want to buy the instruments there!
The seller reacts annoyed: Not. for. sa...

There's a group of people who say they for years they've adored these three sunflowers growing together...

...and then three sunflowers which looked the same and just as beautiful were planted next to them but did not grow very tall. Purely because of this, the people insisted and raged that the new sunflowers were an abomination that totally destroyed the beauty and awe of the three tall sunflowers perm...

A wife gives her husband a cheating test.

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on t...

Woman confesses to her husband that she sells her body while he is at work.

Before he can react, she says but look at the money I got for us, $500.25. He says, who gave you the quarter? She says they all did.

Washington lives

If George Washington were alive today during the Trump era how would he react?

He would be clawing desperately at his coffin wall.

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

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A horny American man gets sent to the desert for a job

The desert has a total population of 50 people. After a couple months of his "dry-spell", the man seeks to find out if there's a way to "get the job done" somewhere in the desert.

He asks the locals around and they guide him to the "PIMP with the Camel". He immediately runs up to the PIMP and...

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I was siting at the bar trying to forget a bad day...

I was siting at the bar trying to forget a bad day when the barman asked me if I knew the Great Pedro. Well barman, let me tell you about my day first.

I was riding my donkey towards the town, minding my own business, when this huge fella coming in the other direction gestured me to stop.
...

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

There was a woman with a hundred children

There was a woman with a hundred children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them, so she just named them 1 through 100.

Eventually, through a series of misfortunes, 99 of the children died. Only the one named 90 survived. 90 grew up healthy, thankfully. She found a man and fell in lo...

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