UPJOKE
respondansweractacceptreactionresistoverreactopposemoverefusebehavereactiveresponseinterveneresponding

React Jokes

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

You shouldn't be surprised at how your wife reacts to your puns. After all...

...she's a groan woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chickens react to Easter Eggs

Some farmer's kids are painting eggs for Easter. One looks up and says, "Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?"

"I don't know," says the other. "Let's find out!"

They go into the chicken coop, steal the fresh eggs and replace them with the colorful eggs. The kids s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reacting to fear. [long]

I was gathering information for my psychology thesis and set out to interview people who have been in dangerous situations and find out how they reacted to extreme fear.

After some inquires I'd discovered there was a gentleman in a nearby assisted care facility that had been a wildlife photog...

I farted in an elevator full of people, but no one reacted

It must have been a noble gas.

How do Hawaiians react to a reposted joke?

A low ha.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Japanese cannibals eat

Rawmen


Edit: Wow my first post is actually doing pretty well.
Thanks for upvotes and comments. I really don't know how to react.

When copper reacts,

....you get lead.

Kids React

[removed]

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:

The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you ...

What did methane say on reacting with oxygen in presence of m2o3?

That's the wrong hole that's the wrong hole



Context: CH4 + O2 ( in presence of Mo2O3)-->hcho(meth-anal)

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

What did Chlorine say upon reacting with Fluorine?

No Bromo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What if the helium goes to the bar?

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve nobles here." Helium does not react.

Starbucks Reacts to Covid-19: Baristas to start wearing masks

Our as they call them, coughee filters.

Why do scientists hate reacting the 1 mol concentration of a carboxyl acid and 1 mil concentration alkane?

They make 1 mol-ester!

How did the blind farmer react when his dog got loose in his cantaloupe patch?

He felt a bit melancholy.

My dad didn't react to my dad joke at all.

Turns out he's been dead all along!

How did the Pepsi CEO react when he was fired?

He got soda pressed that he developed a Coke habit.

My mom didn't react very well to when I told her "If you enter my room, I will hit you"

Because she didn't hear me say "I'm jump roping."

How did people react to the latest happenings in france internationally?

"Notre Damn"

I told my wife I was cheating on her last night, surprisingly, she didn't react at all

I thought that was very noble of her.

How to react to a dad joke.

Dad "makes a dad joke"
Me : oh my god ...
Dad : You called me ?

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

I don't know how my girlfriend will react when she finds out that I sleep with almost everyone I meet.

Guess I'll have to stick around and find out.

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

How does a pyromaniac react when they get flammable Coco cola for Christmas?

He's soda lighted!

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend constantly over-reacts to people's little quirks

And that drives me bat-shit crazy!

A wife gives her husband a cheating test.

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on t...

How did the firefly react when he was stepped on?

He was delighted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you call a nazi that doesn't react?

A neon nazi

I told my friend a chemistry joke. He didn't react...

I wanted to tell my girlfriend, but SHe doesn't exist.

How did the set react when it heard about the Russell Paradox?

It couldn't contain itself.

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

So Julius Caesar has a fencing instructor to teach him swordplay techniques

But what Caesar doesn’t know is that his fencing instructor comes from a tribe of cannibals in a far off land. And eventually, y’know, Caesar’s assassinated and who should happen by his lifeless bloodied body but his old fencing instructor, who gives in to his culinary impulses and starts carving th...

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

What happens when the Queen farts?

Nothing.
As noble gases do not react.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man Vs Gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.
!'<...

I’m just curious

How Johnny Depp reacts when he gets an Amber alert on his phone…🫣

We had an explosion in one of our chemistry labs last week.

Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

On...

I heard this joke sometime ago...

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in a leash...

The bartender says: “Woah, you can’t bring that in here!”

And the man says: “It’s OK, my crocodile is tame... look!”

*and he unzips his pants and proceeds to put his d!ck in the crocodiles mouth.
The crocodile doesn’t reac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choosing a Secretary

A businessman decides that it is time to hire a new secretary and has it narrowed down to a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. Unable to choose between the three of them, he decides to conduct an experiment. At the end of the day he places a five dollar bill on the ground in his office to see how ea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister and I went home to Alabama for mothers day to visit and we were out shopping for a gift for mom when a guy walks by and slaps my sister in the ass. I reacted quick and gave him the ol' one two.

Because no one slaps my girls ass but me.

Define pregnancy

An ova reaction to sperm

Aspirations

A young boy one day decided to make his desire to become a big writer.

"I want to write things that the people will read all around the world, something that the people will react with a very high emotional level such as scream, cry, get mad and make them suffer" He said.

Now he works ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt

The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"

And so they went for a run.

After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.

The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go f...

Best labor EVER

The wife was going into labor and the contractions were getting pretty bad.

The doctor tell the couple that their is this new device that can transfer some or all the pain to the father if they wanted to try it.

The Husband agrees to 10% at first
Wife: Thank you baby just taking th...

A shy guy walks into a bar...

... and sees a a beautiful girl. After an hour, he goes to try talking to her:

-Excuse me, can we talk for some minutes?


Afterwards, the girl screams:


-NO! I Don't wanna sleep with you!


Now everyone in the bar looks weird to them. Obviously, the guy, ashame...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident...

A van went off the road and crashed into a tree. Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well.

Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!"

*Reacting, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A spanish family goes to a sports store.

The son picks up a Germany T-shirt for soccer and says to his sister:

"I've decided I'm going to be a Germany fan and I want this T-shirt for my birthday."
The big sister reacts angrily and slaps him in the face.
"Are you stupid, go talk to mom about it."

So the little boy wit...

What do you call it when Shrek gets mad?

Ogre-reacting!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs

Seriously I don't know how to react. I've been his loyal customer for 3 years and I didn't know he was a barber

I am pretty sure helium hates my jokes

Yeah,he pretty much dosent react to any of them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian man, a Mexican man and an American man are all sitting on a steel beam a couple hundred feet in the air.

Working as construction workers they all pull out thier lunches one at a time and the italian man is first to react:

"Damn. Spaghetti and meatballs again. I swear, if my wife makes spaghetti and meatballs for me one more time I'm going to jump off this beam to my death."

The Mexican is...

Argon walks into a bar

The bartender looks up angrily, yelling at him, "Get out! We don't take stuck up snobs like you!"

Argon doesn't react.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Helium

Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your ass out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"

Helium does not react.

I asked one of my students to use the word contagious in a sentence...

He said: “trump should have reacted quicker to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it took the contagious”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Story from the Japanese Embassy in the US

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.


The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fi...

Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four men are talking...

They are talking about how rich their sons are. The first said: "My son is so rich last time he bought his lover a luxurious Mercedes" "That's nothing"- said the second-"mine bought his lover last time a luxurious yacht" "Well thats cute"-responded the third-"Mine bought his lover a luxurious 12000 ...

Washington lives

If George Washington were alive today during the Trump era how would he react?

He would be clawing desperately at his coffin wall.

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

Woman confesses to her husband that she sells her body while he is at work.

Before he can react, she says but look at the money I got for us, $500.25. He says, who gave you the quarter? She says they all did.

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

One of them asks - "How would you react if you recognized your favorite actor or actress in the streets?"

He responds - "I doubt I'd recognize them."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't often look at their face."

I called my cat Photoshop...



...but she reacts only to abbreviation.

Oh, boy! Horsie ride!

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
<...

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away the...

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks into a liquor store...

the owner looks up and says "Well, hello Sister Mary, how can I help you?"
The nun says "I need a fifth of liquor"
The owner reacts with surprise and asks "Why do you want liquor?"
Sister Mary replies "Oh, it's for medicinal purposes"
"Well, in that case" says the owner, and sell her wha...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.