UPJOKE
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A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

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Travelling salesman

There was a travelling salesmen who had the job since he was he was seventeen so was constantly on the road, and had only ever slept with prostitutes his whole life. Due to this fact he had never went down on a woman for fear of where they might have been, although it was something he always desired...

If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?



one to issue the requisition form LB24, one to sign the work order DF69, three to consult with management and reject both forms as not applicable to maintenance as per regulations. Seventeen to form a fact finding committee to discuss the overuse of LB24,after ten months of debate, there wi...

What has sixty feet, three teeth & seventeen dollars?

The front row at a Insane Clown Posse concert

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked the Redditor. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." answered the one known as Dan.

He continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."

If you overthrow the government in exactly seventeen syllables...

... is it a Hai-coup?

Technically a bilingual pun, hope that's not violating rule 8...

Late for school

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has to tell a big lie explaining why.

The teacher tells the headmaster that she is fed up with his exaggerations.

The headmaster tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he turns up late.

He'll t...

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A man walks into a casino with some friends

He places some bets on the roulette but can't win a single one. After all the unfortunate bets, he's about to leave but sees how one of his friends comes after him with loads of chips.

-Man, I won big time!

-I can see! -says the man- Tell me, how did you do it? I've not won...

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A man was golfing at a course he'd never been to and got lost.

He sees a woman ahead of him, so he approaches her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I've never played here before and I'm a little lost. Can you tell me what hole you're on, so I can figure out my place?"

"Sure! I'm on nine and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on eight!"...

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the ...

farmer: how many cows got out?

**me:** seventeen

**farmer:** round 'em up

**me:** ok twenty

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

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I was walking by the lake when suddenly a frog started speaking to me...

'hello' said they frog 'in reality I am a beautiful princess that is under a curse'

'let me guess, I have to kiss you to turn you back'

'I am afraid my curse is far more advanced, in order to break it, you have to let me give you a blowjob'

so reluctantly I agreed, and after a w...

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A Texan buys a round of drinks...

.. for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How mu...

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A man is riding through the desert...

Suddenly, he hears a voice, coming from nowhere.

"Get off your horse."

"What?", the man asks.

"Get off your horse."

The man, slightly irritated, does as the voice commands.

"Dig a hole."

"You want me to... dig a hole? Right here in the desert?"
...

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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A man is driving to work

A man is driving to work. While he’s waiting at a red light he hears a voice say; “Sell your car and your house and bring all your money to Vegas”. The man is a bit perplexed but decides to ignore it and carry on with his day.

The next day while driving to work he again hears the voice; “Sell...

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More an anecdote than a joke, but still telling....

As Japan invaded Manchuria, the Chinese general called in his aide for daily reports.

On day one, the aide said, "Not good. More than 2000 Chinese dead, just seventeen Japanese dead."

The general dismissed him without a word.

Next day, the aide somberly reported, "1700 Chinese ...

Two old men sitting on a park bench discussing their junk

First one says, “I’ll bet you mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

Second one says, “That’s ridiculous. I’ve known you my whole life. Never have you, _or your wife_, bragged of such a thing.”

“Fifty bucks says mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

“You’re on. How long is ...

Guy walks into a bar...

...and the place is packed. Fortunately, someone was just leaving, so he takes the stool and orders a beer. Someone further in stands up and yells "Twenty-three!" eliciting a round of laughter. Guy shrugs it off and drinks his beer.

Another patron stands and yells "Hundred-thirty-two!" and a...

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A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

A: No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it.



A: Two hundred and twenty.



One to hold the bulb

Two to turn the ladder

Seventeen on the guest list.

200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.

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Two students were complaining about math class.

"I hate math. Well, I really just hate numbers." "What do you mean?" "Take seventeen, for instance. I hate seventeen. There's nothing good about seventeen." "What's so bad about seventeen?" "Nothing really. It's just a prime example."

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be ab...

My mother asked if I knew what I was gonna do next year.

I told her that I didn't have any clue due to the debilitating state of my eyesight. Ever since I was four years old, I have had severe astigmatism and the diametric measurement of my foveal avalascular zone. When I was seventeen, I was told of the very real possibility of being blind and the age of...

Two Old Seniors are sitting on a bench Outside a Nursing Home

They both take sips of their drinks, rocking back and forth slowly. One looks at the other and asks, “How’s your weekend been, George?”

George looks at him. “It’s been amazing. I was taking a walk down the street and I come to a railroad crossing, low-and-behold, a girl was tied up on the tra...

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

The farmer had three daughters..

They were sixteen, seventeen and eighteen. One day he was out front of the farmhouse when a car pulled up the driveway and a young man approached the house.
"who are you?" The old farmer asked him.
"hello Sir, I'm Eddie, here to pick up Betty, we're going out for Spaghetti"
"oh" the Farmer ...

I purchased a bottle of whiskey and then got worried that should I fall off my bicycle, the bottle would break.

Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home.

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Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.

Poor Tom.

When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.

When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but ...

A feghoot by Isaac Asimov.

"Feghoot watched with interest as a husband and wife were brought in, charged with disturbing the peace. During a religious observation, when for twenty minutes the congregation was supposed to maintain silence, while concentrating on their sins and visualizing them as melting away, the woman had su...

Thank god

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of in...

Federer vs. Nadal

Goodmonson:
Seventeen Grand Slams. You can't argue with that. Federer's the greatest of all time.

Harry Harryman:
You can't be the greatest if you always lose to the guy who's supposed to be the second greatest. Federer's great but Nadal is the greatest.

Steve Bytheway:
There'...

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