UPJOKE
fourteennumber13twelvesixteenseventeencardinalnineteeneighteeneleventwentyfifteentenfortynine

Thirteen Jokes

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen ... "

I was walking past a tall wooden fence the other day, you know the kind you see outside a building site. As I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...

...boys develop them around the age of forty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

2 thirteen year olds competing

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced.

A bit young to get married if you ask me.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant

"Table for twenty-six, please."

"There's only thirteen of you."

"Yes, but we all like to sit on the same side."

Thirteen! Thirteen!

This is how I learned to mind my own business...


I was walking to the mental hospital to visit my mother. Next thing you know I'm hearing a bunch of people on the other side of the fence yelling "thirteen, thirteen"! I finally notice a small hole in the fence and I go to look through to f...

'Son in Iraq i killed thirteen people'

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....

A fibbin' Nazi sequence

Thirteen, fourteen....

Epstein

THIRTEEN!

A guy is walking past the grounds of the state mental hospital. The hospital is surrounded by a tall wooden fence, more for privacy than for security. As he walks past he hears a chorus of excited inmates chanting: "THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!".



Curious about what is going on insi...

A joke for all the old geezers.....

A doctor is sent to a nursing home to test the minds and memories of the residents. To save time, she interviews them in groups of three. The first group she meets with consists of three men.
Turning to the first one, she asks, “What’s nine times thirteen?”
“That would be four hundred and si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have foreskin removed when I was thirteen

My sister was born with no eyelids and the doctor suggested making them out of foreskin.
Worked awesome, she can blink and wink normally. Only thing is that she is a bit cockeyed...

Memory

A tourist was introduced to a Native American Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943? " The Indian answered, "Eggs. " The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "Thirteen ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend's call me a paedophile just because my girlfriend "looks thirteen".

Jokes on them, though. She's actually twelve.

Whats do a ruler and thirteen year old memer have in common?

They are both straight and edgy

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.

The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"

The shy wife

A friend of mine is married to a very shy woman, one who has much difficulty talking about anything related to s-e-x, and her husband was her first and only partner, though she knew he had had some experience prior to their wedding night. It was no surprise, then, that it took her five years to sum...

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another ...

The numbers game

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’ goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s wards.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small cr...

Fibonacci’s day at the fair

One day Fibonacci goes to the fair with his friends: Ms.One, Mr.Five, and Dr.Twenty.


While Fibonacci perused the fairgrounds, his friends decided to enjoy a variety of different competitions and games.


Ms.One thought to try her hand at the ring toss and ball throwing games. S...

Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?

Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?

Mental asylum

Dude walks by the mental asylum and hears a person screaming "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!"

He thinks nothing of it and walks on. Later that same day when he's returning he hears the same voice screaming again "thirteen, thirteen!!!"

Then he sees a small hole in the wall and decid...

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting “twelve, twelve twelve”. As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting “twelve, twelve, twelve” I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hol...

At the old folks' home

A man was walking past a retirement home with a tall wooden fence along the side. He heard voices chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" coming from inside the fence. Curious, he spied a knothole in the fence and put his eye up to it to see what was going on in there. Just as...

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

13

A man is walking down a sidewalk and he walks near a mental institute and he hears a crowd yelling, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” The man wonders why they are chanting thirteen and sees a hole in the fence and sticks his eye through it and something stabs his eye. The crowd yells, “Fourteen! Fourt...

In memory of Meatloaf...

I'm holding a thirteen minute silence

Jesus and the twelve disciples walk into a bar.

"Thirteen large glasses of water, please," says Jesus to the bartender, dropping Peter a wink...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maths is like sex..

.. If they're under thirteen just do them in your head

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne.

Acne waits until you're thirteen to come on your face.

Steps on how to fall down stairs.

Step one:
Step three:
Step seven:
Step nine:
Step thirteen:
Step twenty:
Floor:

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank

The bank gets robbed, and she gets shot three times in the stomach. She goes to the hospital and delivers three sons, everything is fine with them.


Thirteen years go by and her first son comes running up to her shouting, "Mom, mom! I just peed out a bullet!"


She tells him, ...

A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.

He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.

The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.

The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"

Guy says, "I'm wat...

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

Silly superstition

A reporter was on a business trip in Bangkok, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.

After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway," the man asked, as the obvi...

As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)

Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?

A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."

^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)

Bono walks into a bar in Tijuana.

He has thirteen of his closest friends with him, and he offers to buy the first round. He walks up to the bartender and orders in Spanish. The bartender comes out a bit later and hands out all the beers.

Bono laughs and says, "I love this place. Every time I come here, I order four drinks, an...

I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees.

When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee".

one day at the mental hospital ...

A guy is walking past a mental hospital when he hears some of the residents, on the grounds, chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
There's a fence blocking his view so he has no idea why they are chanting "Thirteen!" and curiosity gets the better of him. He searches the fence and eventually fi...

A guy walking down the street

A guy walking down the street begins to hear a bunch of people chanting twelve! twelve! twelve!. He finds a hole in the fence next to him to try and see what is going on. When he looks through the hole , he gets poked in the eye. Then he hears thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

A man is walking down the street...

When from behind a fence he hears voices chanting "Twelve, twelve twelve...twelve, twelve, twelve..." He's curious about what's going on, so he looks along the fence until he sees a little hole in it. He leans over and looks through the hole and BINK! Someone pokes him in the eye with their finge...

I told my girlfriend to stop pretending to be 13 because it's creepy and pointless

She'll be thirteen next month anyways

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Where's our son?" asked my wife, as soon as she returned back from holiday.

"Which one?" I asked.

She said, "The one with acne. Where is he?"

I said, "Oh...I, er..."

"You what?"

"I kicked him out."

She yelled, "What the fuck? He's thirteen, why the hell would you kick him out?"

"You said you wanted the house to be spotless when you ...

The new french tank has 14 gears

Thirteen go backwards, one goes forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind

On the other side of the fence, next to my dentist's office, is the courtyard of a mental hospital...

After my appointment, I was walking back to my car when I heard some of the patients on the other side of the fence chanting, "Thirteen...Thirteen..."

I spotted a knothole in the fence, so I bent over to take a look at what was going on.

No sooner had I put my eye up to the knothole wh...

How I learned to mind my own business.

I walked passed a local insane asylum the other day and I could hear a bunch of people yelling, "Thirteen! Thirteen!" I started wondering what the hell they were doing.

About halfway down the wall, I saw a hole. My curiosity got the best of me. I bent down and looked through the hole with one...

A group of prisoners pass the time telling jokes to each other.

Unfortunately their repertoire is limited and they soon know them all by heart; indeed they even start referring to their jokes by number. One prisoner says: "Do you remember number thirteen?" And everyone chuckles. Another says, "That reminds me of joke number six!" Again everyone laughs. "Or numbe...

100% True Story - Funniest Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Not long after my younger son was born I left the Army and, not having a new job to go to and my wife having a great job, I looked after the house and my two boys for some years.

When my older son started school, we would walk home together and discuss what he'd learned and talk about life. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a woman finds herself in an armed robbery at her local bank.

She's pregnant with triplets, and has a hard time getting to the ground then the robbers ask her to get down. In a frenzy, she is shot three times in the stomach, and is rushed to the hospital.



While she's there, the doctors find that the babies are all still okay. But the doctor tell...

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of four sits down to dinner.

The son is fifteen years old and the daughter is thirteen. The mother is a school teacher and the father is an obstetrician. They say a quick prayer, and start eating.

The father starts telling his wife about an interesting new study he was reading about, suggesting a surprisingly strong corr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yet another bar joke

Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*The most messed up jokes you know*

I'll start: What’s worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother’s pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

Better be Good

**Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.**

**Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the tw...

One day a woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank.

As she was at the tellers desk, some men with guns came in to rob the place. As they were leaving they began to shoot the witnesses and the pregnant lady was shot three times in the stomach.

The ambulance arrived in time to save her and all of her three children, two girls and one boy.
...

It's a busy day at the gates of heaven...

... bombings, cancer, shark attacks—the line at the pearly gates is never short. Old St. Peter, fatigued by his endless service, decides to take the afternoon off for some well deserved R&R. However, after shooing the new arrivals off to limbo for the evening, three men remain in line to enter H...

Triplets

One night a woman pregnant with triplets gets mugged for her purse. She fights back and the guy shoots her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors tell her that she'll be fine and so will her unborn daughters and son, but that they couldn't remove the bullets without harming the babi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.