I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

Thirteen, fourteen....

Epstein

'Son in Iraq i killed thirteen people'

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

A fisherman and his wife have two children

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they de...

Whats do a ruler and thirteen year old memer have in common?

They are both straight and edgy

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...

...boys develop them around the age of forty.

Mental asylum

Dude walks by the mental asylum and hears a person screaming "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!"

He thinks nothing of it and walks on. Later that same day when he's returning he hears the same voice screaming again "thirteen, thirteen!!!"

Then he sees a small hole in the wall and decid...

My friend's call me a paedophile just because my girlfriend "looks thirteen".

Jokes on them, though. She's actually twelve.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen ... "

I was walking past a tall wooden fence the other day, you know the kind you see outside a building site. As I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..."...

At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced.

A bit young to get married if you ask me.

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I had to have foreskin removed when I was thirteen

My sister was born with no eyelids and the doctor suggested making them out of foreskin.
Worked awesome, she can blink and wink normally. Only thing is that she is a bit cockeyed...

Thirteen! Thirteen!

This is how I learned to mind my own business...


I was walking to the mental hospital to visit my mother. Next thing you know I'm hearing a bunch of people on the other side of the fence yelling "thirteen, thirteen"! I finally notice a small hole in the fence and I go to look through to f...

[Favorite joke from Letterman] What goes into thirteen twice?

Roman Polanski.

When I was Young

I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.

He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."

I...

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A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

13

A man is walking down a sidewalk and he walks near a mental institute and he hears a crowd yelling, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” The man wonders why they are chanting thirteen and sees a hole in the fence and sticks his eye through it and something stabs his eye. The crowd yells, “Fourteen! Fourt...

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One day, a woman finds herself in an armed robbery at her local bank.

She's pregnant with triplets, and has a hard time getting to the ground then the robbers ask her to get down. In a frenzy, she is shot three times in the stomach, and is rushed to the hospital.



While she's there, the doctors find that the babies are all still okay. But the doctor tell...

THIRTEEN!

A guy is walking past the grounds of the state mental hospital. The hospital is surrounded by a tall wooden fence, more for privacy than for security. As he walks past he hears a chorus of excited inmates chanting: "THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!".



Curious about what is going on insi...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

I told my girlfriend to stop pretending to be 13 because it's creepy and pointless

She'll be thirteen next month anyways

Memory

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico, who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptically, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?"

The Indian answered, "Eggs."

The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "

T...

Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until after he's thirteen.

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"Where's our son?" asked my wife, as soon as she returned back from holiday.

"Which one?" I asked.

She said, "The one with acne. Where is he?"

I said, "Oh...I, er..."

"You what?"

"I kicked him out."

She yelled, "What the fuck? He's thirteen, why the hell would you kick him out?"

"You said you wanted the house to be spotless when you ...

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another cha...

A group of prisoners pass the time telling jokes to each other.

Unfortunately their repertoire is limited and they soon know them all by heart; indeed they even start referring to their jokes by number. One prisoner says: "Do you remember number thirteen?" And everyone chuckles. Another says, "That reminds me of joke number six!" Again everyone laughs. "Or numbe...

His first words were "I'll be dead in 4 days, mommy will be dead in 7 days and daddy will be dead in 13 days"

Well, the kid was right.

Four days passed and he died, seven days and hia mother died...
His father, knowing he'd be dead soon, spent all his money and sold everything he had.

Thirteen days passed and his neighbor died.

The new french tank has 14 gears

Thirteen go backwards, one goes forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind

How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.

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Three young women at a party

were trying to
impress each other by bragging about their husbands.
The first said: "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera this summer. We're going to hire a yacht and hang out with movie stars."
The second said: "My husband just bought me a new Mercedes."
Unimpressed, the thi...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

One day a woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank.

As she was at the tellers desk, some men with guns came in to rob the place. As they were leaving they began to shoot the witnesses and the pregnant lady was shot three times in the stomach.

The ambulance arrived in time to save her and all of her three children, two girls and one boy.
...

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Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky

Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a hug...

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Dragging a dead frog

A thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog along behind him by a piece of string. He approaches the head mistress and says, "I want the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch you have here." She looks at him bewildered and begins to say that he's a bit too young for this when h...

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*The most messed up jokes you know*

I'll start: What’s worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother’s pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

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A family of four sits down to dinner.

The son is fifteen years old and the daughter is thirteen. The mother is a school teacher and the father is an obstetrician. They say a quick prayer, and start eating.

The father starts telling his wife about an interesting new study he was reading about, suggesting a surprisingly strong corr...

A guy walking down the street

A guy walking down the street begins to hear a bunch of people chanting twelve! twelve! twelve!. He finds a hole in the fence next to him to try and see what is going on. When he looks through the hole , he gets poked in the eye. Then he hears thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

A hot shot East Coast newspaper...

...... reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.

After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the o...

On the other side of the fence, next to my dentist's office, is the courtyard of a mental hospital...

After my appointment, I was walking back to my car when I heard some of the patients on the other side of the fence chanting, "Thirteen...Thirteen..."

I spotted a knothole in the fence, so I bent over to take a look at what was going on.

No sooner had I put my eye up to the knothole wh...

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Yet another bar joke

Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the ...

A man is strolling past an insane asylum when..

When he hears a loud chanting.

“Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” goes the noise form within the mental hospital’s wards.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers...

one day at the mental hospital ...

A guy is walking past a mental hospital when he hears some of the residents, on the grounds, chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
There's a fence blocking his view so he has no idea why they are chanting "Thirteen!" and curiosity gets the better of him. He searches the fence and eventually fi...

It's a busy day at the gates of heaven...

... bombings, cancer, shark attacks—the line at the pearly gates is never short. Old St. Peter, fatigued by his endless service, decides to take the afternoon off for some well deserved R&R. However, after shooing the new arrivals off to limbo for the evening, three men remain in line to enter H...

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of...

A man is walking down the street...

When from behind a fence he hears voices chanting "Twelve, twelve twelve...twelve, twelve, twelve..." He's curious about what's going on, so he looks along the fence until he sees a little hole in it. He leans over and looks through the hole and BINK! Someone pokes him in the eye with their finge...

Twelve.

A man is walking down the street alongside a sizable construction fence. It's at least 8 feet tall, and it runs the whole length of the block.

About 3 steps deep, he hears a quiet voice saying

"Twelve. Twelve. Twelve." He thinks it odd, but continues walking. Almost immediately, he h...

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