I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

Cops gave me a ticket for doing 120 in a 55....

When he asked me why I was going so fast, I told him, "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

My gym membership costs $120 a year.

That’s pretty steep considering it’s $60 a visit

Couple at a Bull Auction

This couple goes to an agriculture show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull produced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in...

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

I was tailgating this guy down the street when he stopped his car and got out.

I gulped as the muscular specimen strode over to my driver's window and said, "Problem, sir?"

I said, "Uh... sure." Scratching my forehead. "What is 120 subtract 42?"

How many cops does it take to tackle a 120 pound female protestor?

All of them

What Has 120 Legs And 41 Teeth?

The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.

You know the scene, balding dude in a convertible with a hot chick.

She peels off her top and says "Faster you go, the more i take off!"

She's down to her socks and he's doing 120 mph when they crash. Dazed and confused she finds the driver pinned in the car and goes for help, but all she can find to cover her bits is his shoe.

Stumbling out into the h...

Do you know when 90 is more than 120?

Just start the microwave already, i dont have time for this.

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

Did you know cats can memorize up to 120 commands?

They just don't want to.

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On any given day, sexual intercourse takes place 120 million times on earth.

Apparently, I live on the moon.

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

The vampire joke

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "di...

Why can't you read the following sentence at 120 words per minute

Because, adding, commas, can, slow, down, the, speed, a, person, normally, reads, at

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A man reads the prices during his first visit to a brothel

20 bucks for a hand job, 40 for a blow job, 120 for intercourse. Everything makes sense until he reaches the end of the list. He asks the proprietor why double penetration is only $20.

“Oh, well because they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

A group of scientists and engineers teamed up to create the best and more responsive set of Breaks and Tires. That's like 120 km/h to 0 km/s in 2 seconds...

... now they need to create the strongest windshield.

Did you hear about the 120-year-old textile worker?

He dyed.

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.

Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

Last pull-over

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice eveningdrive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what wasleft of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red andblue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can ca...

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and sire...

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My Friend Clarence

Hey Clarence, What's up?

My name isn't Clarence anymore. You can call me LUCKY. I met a great woman and now I feel like the Luckiest man in the world.

A few months later I saw Clarence and I said, "Hey Lucky, how is it going?"

Don't call me LUCKY. My new name is LUCKY LUCKY. I w...

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

My wife and I lost 100 lbs combined.

She lost 120 lbs.

R stands for Racing

that's exactly what I thought too before shifting the gear on my car to R at 120 mph

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

Accidentally dropped a 20 dollar bill in a porta potty

Thought “Damn, no way I’m reaching in there for a measly 20”

So I took out a hundred from my wallet and dropped it in.

Now for 120, I’ll definitely go in.

Blind pilots

So i went flying. I entered the airplane looked for my seat and sat down, just as every usual flight.
Suddenly I see the pilots entering. They both are wearing sunglasses and blind sticks.
I asked the stewardess: "sorry, who are these two? They cant be our pilots, can they?"
"those are one ...

A man was driving a sports car

He had just bought it and suddenly he ran out of gas. So he walked to the nearest house and asked the owner if he could have some gas. The owner said yes and after he had the tank full he said ‘it’s getting late I have an extra room if you want to spend the night’. The man was uneasy but accepted be...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car..

A police officer pulls over a speeding
car. The officer says, *‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’*

The driver says, *‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’*

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, *‘Now don’t be sill...

The son of a Saudi price writes to his father.

Dear Father,

I am doing well in school here in London. But I have a feeling of shame due to the fact my friends and professors all ride the train to university, and I have to drive the gold Ferrari....

The father concerned with his son's letter, writes back...

Dear Son,

I...

A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stup...

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

Currency trading

I used to trade currency. this asian guy came in and wanted to exchange 10,000yen - I gave him $120.

a week later he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $105.

a week after that he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $135.

the guy said to me in an annoyed voice...

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New hooker in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".
...

Officer couldn't believe his eyes.

A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar drive...

A man walks by a small store and sees a cat drinking out of a valuable saucer.

He recognizes the saucer's value, and he immediately wants to add it to his collection. However, he is sure that the store owner doesn't know that the saucer is valuable, or else she wouldn't let the cat drink from it, and he doesn't want her to find out and charge him for the full value. So he walk...

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Stomach Pains

A man goes to the doctor with sever pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over and delivers the prognosis.

"Sir. You are infected with a very large tapeworm. It's larger than I've ever seen and I fear traditional medicine will not help you get rid of it. I know how to get rid of it, but ...

A blind date

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When th...

A calculus joke:

A 120 pound camera sits atop a tripod. How much force does each leg hold?

Whoops. Meant to type 130. Forgot that the camera adds 10 pounds.

During quarantine - Lonely at home

I am lonely at home quarantined:

Day 1. Oh, that's nice.

Day 3. I read books and rest.

Day 5. I bingwatched "Friends".

Day 7. I talked to the washing machine, but I had worse days.

Day 9. My washing machine is angry. I never had worse days.

Day 11. I'm fine…...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

Old man goes to a doctor...

Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup.

The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says:

"Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar...

An 80-year old man buys a Corvette

He gets it out on the open highway and takes it to 80, then 100, then 120 before he knows it.

He looks in his mirror to see flashing red lights so he pulls over.

The highway patrolman walks up and say, "You know how fast you were going and I know how fast you were going. I've heard eve...

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I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

£20 for a hand job


£50 for a blow job


£80 for sex


And for £120, i'll do anything!


Anything hmmm....


She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.
...

Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.

So he decided to test this out.

He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom b...

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A husband bought his wife a new sex toy for her birthday...

and it was voice operated. It was newest model of Vibro-dick: self-propelled and voice activated.

He brought it home to his from the sex shop in a gift wrapped box with a bow. She unwrapped the box and was surprised.

"Honey, I've never used a sex toy. I don't know if I'll like."
...

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

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Three tourists board a taxi at LAX

One is German, one is Italian, the other is Japanese. En route to their accommodation, a Porsche speeds past the taxi, prompting the German to brag 'Porsche, very fast. Made in Germany'.


A few miles later, a Lamborghini speed past, prompting the Italian to brag 'Lamborghini, very fast. ...

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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capa...

A Mathematician works at a bar.

A loud man walks into the bar and says "I want some drinks!"
And the bartender replies with "How many drinks?"
The man answers "5!"
The bartender took the man's order and gave him 120 drinks.

The drinking age being at 21 seems appropriate

Graduating with $120,000 in debt should be the first reason you need a drink

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The Ferrari and the Moped

A man saves up his entire life to buy a ferrari. He goes to the dealership and chooses a red one. As he pulls out of the parking lot he comes to a red light. As he is waiting for the light to change he sees a fat kid pull up next to him on a moped. The kid grins at him showing his puffy cheeks and s...

A man passes away...

A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notice...

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A man helps his friend out by taking his shift at the dildo store

One customer comes in says, "how much for the red one" he says "50 bucks"
2nd customer comes in says "how much for the big black one with the veins" he says "120 dollars"
Final customer comes in says "how much for the plaid one" he says "500 bucks" the customer says "ok teehee only live once"...

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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

I made my wife upset on her birthday

She had been watching the Formula-1 and she asked me: "I want something that goes from 0 to 120 in less than three seconds." I gave her a scale.

Dad: How many dollars did you ask me, again?

Son: 5!

Dad: You want 120 dollars? You're out of your mind, son.

A man is having a mid-life crisis...

and buys himself a brand new Corvette. He takes it on the highway and immediately gets it up to 100 MPH. Shortly after, he sees a cop in the mirror trying to catch up with him.
The man thinks "I've got a Corvette, there's no way a cop car can catch up to me" so he guns it.
With the cop car fa...

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A blonde walks into a sex shop NSFW

A blonde walks into a sex shop. She asks the store assistant 'How much are these vibrators?'
The store assistant goes: 'Well, we have some for $50, these are $100, $120...'
The blonde then asks: 'What about that big red one?'
'Ooh... we don't sell that one.'
'But why??'
'Because it's ...

Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

Super bowl tickets

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

 

 

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's ...

When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.

"My a-beautiful boy...

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Adam and eve have problems

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a
few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.” The quarrel
continued ...

Putin to seek re-election for President of Russia

He's expected to carry 120% of the vote.

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A boy, two chickens, one donkey, and a maid

A country boy is travelling through the countryside to look for some livestock to purchase. He walks all day and all night until he finally comes across a farm. He walks up to the door and knocks. An old farmer opens the door and greets him.
“Hello, I would like to buy some livestock, preferably...

Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102,

but Diana got up to 120 when she died.

Stinky smell in the car ...

-Sir.. how many horsepower is your car?
- 120 horses
- I am afraid that one of them is Dead.

Man with his blonde wife on a road trip and then a police officer stops them...

"License and registration please!" Says the police officer.

"But why did you stop us," says the husband.

"You've been running over 100 kilometers which is the limit," replies the officer.

"Did you make a mistake?" Says the husband, "I am sure i wasn't going over the limit".
<...

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Getting lost in the woods

A crew from a television channel wanted to interview the world's oldest living person for their next show. After weeks of searching they learn about a man in a remote Russian village who is 120 years old. So then they go to the village and start interviewing the old man. They ask him "Can you tell u...

A farmer dies and goes to hell

While down there the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy.

The farmer says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like plowing my fie...

Ice Cream...Maybe

A penguin went to get his car fixed on a 120 degree day, he was so hot, the mechanic said, "hey, this is going to take a while, you should go next door and cool off with some ice cream."

The penguin goes next door orders ice cream, the waitress asks, "would you like a spoon?" The penguin says...

Two mathematicians were chatting online...

1st mathematician: Gimme 5!
2nd mathematician: 120

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A Police Officer Pulls Over An Eldery Couple

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple and says, "You were doing 120 in a 90 zone. The lady asks, "What; what did he say!?", to which her husband replies, "You were doing 120 in a 90 zone."
The officer then asks for the lady's licence and registration. The old lady asks, "What; what did he...

Funny Jewish Joke - Clean!

The four Katz brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented the first automobile air-conditioner. On August 15, 1951, the temperature in Detroit was 92 degrees.The four brothers walked into Henry Ford’s office and convinced him to come out to the parking lot to their car. They got him to get in...

A man ends up in prison and makes friends with his cellmate.

After a couple months of being harassed and bothered as it par for the course in a minimal security prison, he's sitting in his cell with his cell mate. From a floor down he hears someone yell, "NUMBER 37." Everyone within earshot is dying of laughter. His cellmate yelled out, "NUMBER 52!!" Everyone...

Jane goes to buy a car...

Jane went to buy a new car that she saw advertised for a certain price. After telling the salesman which car she wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed Jane the bill, and she declared, “This isn’t the price I saw!”

The salesman went on to tell Jane how she was getting ...

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The Pope's cross-country tour

So the Pope arrives in LA for a cross-country tour, and the driver picks him up at the airport. After a few days together and a few stops, the driver and the pope start to get along.

One morning, the pope sleeps through his alarms, and they're 30 minutes late getting on the road to the next ...

Back in WWII, the Marine Corps used Navajo speakers as "code talkers"...

The other Marines were always impressed with the enigmatic skills the Navajos had in predicting weather, where to find water, and tracking ability.

One day on a patrol, a Navajo Marine on point came across a footprint ostensibly left by the enemy.

"The man who left this footprint is an...

Student and Teacher conversations

Teacher: John, give me a sentence starting with " I ".
John: I is...
Teacher: No, John. Always say, "I am."
John: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
John: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
John: Mayb...

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

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A deaf married couple are on their honeymoon...

They were both inexperienced sexually and were having a bit of trouble communicating with the lights off. Finally the wife turns on the lights and signs:

"If you are horny, squeeze my tits once, If you are not, squeeze twice."

The husband thought about this and signed back:

"I...

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Taxi driver and the tourist

One day, A taxi driver picked up a tourist in a airport and the tourist told the driver to drive him to the hotel. While on the way to the hotel the tourist started bragging about his stuff he owns.

Tourist: you see this camera? It can take 120 frames per second video, very fast!

The...

A traffic officer stopped a car on a highway.

The windows rolled down and he saw a very old lady on the driver's seat. He said "Ma'am why are you moving so slowly; you are jamming the whole highway". To this she replied, "But officer the sign mentions the speed limit as 40". The officer looks at the sign, laughs and says, "That's not the speed ...

A man sits at the bar drinking and looking upset.

The bartender asks him what's wrong. The man looks up and says

"I lost it all playing the ponies. A million dollars. I had it and I lost it all."

The bartender is taken aback. "If you don't mind me prying, a million dollars is a lot of money. How'd you end up losing it?"

The ...

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Lemon drops

So a man walks into a bar and sees a big tough guy standing next to a glass and some lemons.

"What's with the lemons?" he asks.

"Its a challenge." replied the bartender. "This here is the strongest man in the world. He will squeeze as much juice from half a lemon into the glass as he...

Air Traffic Control

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircr...

So a frog walks into a bank...

So a frog walks into this bank to apply for a bank loan. He approaches the tell and notices her name tag says Patricia Whack. He walks up to her and says, "Miss Whack I'm here to apply for a bank loan. I need $30,000 to go on my dream vacation." Patty is a little thrown off by this unusual request a...

How does Big Boss store his photos?

On a Solid Snake Drive 120 gb

sorry :\

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