I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband takes hot wife to the zoo.

They walk around and see the Tiger, then they move on to next cage and see the bears and after they see all the animals they go and see the gorilla, they get really close the cage and the gorilla gets a bit exited about the hot wife, so husband notices that and tells the wife,
"Hey babe lift up ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The weirdest summer job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage

Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

It's just so sad ....

How often I see zookeepers breaking their own "Don't Feed the Animals" rule.

I got a job at the zoo circumcising Elephants.

The pay sucks but the tips are huge.

They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could

I got away with the bear minimum

What happens when you mix the DNA of a human and a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

There was once a zoo with only a single dog in it

It was a Shih tzu.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My trip to the zoo

I just went to this zoo while on a road trip and it was the worst. It only had 1 animal, a normal house dog.



It was a shitzu

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I just got banned from the National Zoo for making a parrot giggle...

... its polly tickle correctness gone mad!

When i go to the zoo and i tell them i wanna look at my favorite animal you know what they do?

Give me a mirror.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is taking Donald Trump on a private tour of the Moscow Zoo.

While they're passing through the petting zoo section, they see a little lamb who has gotten its head stuck in a fence and is trapped.

Putin, eager to reassert his masculinity after seeing the dancing bears, drops his trousers and proceeds to penetrate the lamb forcefully with his penis, to ...

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers and elephants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

Why don't they play poker in the zoo?

Too many cheetahs!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents

They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?

Mom: That's it's trunk.

Boy: No, further back.

Mom: That's its tail.

Boy: No, in between.

Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along.

The boy i...

How does a black and white horse spell zoo?

With a Z Bruh!

Meanwhile, at the Zoo...

... a gorilla is reading. He's holding a Bible in one hand and a book on evolution in the other.

​

**What are you doing, gorilla?**

​

"I'm trying to decide if I am my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know ...

I got fired form the zoo.

Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

Zoo joke

Visitor: "I like that cage at the end that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just got a mirror in it"
Zookeeper: "Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again"

Some guy is looking for a job.....

.….so he checks the zoo which is the only place left. Desperately, he asks the zookeeper "Sir, are there any job openings available? I'll do anything." So the zookeeper says "Well, our gorilla just died, so we need somebody to put on this gorilla suit until we can finally get a real gorilla to repla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.

After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfort...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

I went to the African exhibit at my local zoo.

I knew it was fake when I saw all of the people walking around with food.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband wife go to the zoo.

They come across a gorilla. The man asks his wife to be a little flirty and blow a kiss to the gorilla. She does and the animal instantly gets excited, eyes wide open and stands up immediately. The wife likes it and so does the husband.

Then he asks her to be a little more daring and show th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a monkey at the zoo who was a fruitiphile.

That dude was fucking bananas.

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed in to London Zoo making random demands.

He has taken six ostriches.

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man ag...

My therapist pleaded with me, “You need to go out more! Take up a hobby! Stop doing weird things!” I replied quietly, “Well, I went to the zoo." The therapist exclaimed proudly, “That’s what I mean! Did you get anything from that?!”

I slowly opened my coat and whispered, “I got this penguin..."

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

A flock of penguins escaped from the zoo.

While searching for them, the Zookeeper spoke to a man who claimed to have run over one of the penguins with his car.

“I didn’t get a good look at it, so I’m not 100% sure that it was a penguin. How big do those guys get?” Asked the man.

“Well most of them are around a foot and a half”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Zoo

A little boy and his sister went to the zoo with their parents. At the zoo, they split up and each parent took a child around for a look at the animals.

When the little boy and his mother got to the gorilla, the boy said “Mommy! What’s that!”

“Well, son, that’s a gorilla.”

Then...

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo....

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little camel asks his mom "Mom, why do we have the two humpbacks?"

"So we can cross the desert and we don't have to drink at all." Says mommy camel

"But why do we have the long lashes?" Ask the little camel

"So the sand doesn't come into our eyes when there is a sandstorm," his mother replies.

"And Mom, why are our feet so wide?"
"So we can...

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.

​

The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy is at the zoo with his parents looking at an elephant NSFW

He looks at the elephant quizzically, turns to his mother and says "Mummy, I know that the long dangly thing at the front is his trunk, and the long dangly thing at the back is his tail, but what is that long dangly thing in between his legs?" Flustered the mother brushes off the question saying "Oh...

Went to the zoo and one of the enclosures just had a load of burger buns on the floor.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A zoo bought a female gorilla

About a week after buying a gorilla the zookeepers noticed the gorilla became extremely aggressive. There was nothing they could do to console the gorilla. After awhile even when they fed the gorilla it would refuse to eat and throw its food against the wall.

After this went on for awhile the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother and daughter were at the zoo...

While they were at they the zoo, they see 2 monkeys having sex. The daughter asks the mother, “Mommy, what are those monkeys doing?” The mother panics and says, “They are making cupcakes”, to which the daughter just replies,”oh ok.”

The next day the daughter goes up to her mother and says, “Y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"My wife got hurt after annoying the marsupials on our trip to a Malaysian zoo."

""Kuala Lumpar?"
"No, a kangaroo kicked her up the arse".

My local zoo finally figured out why they couldn't get the Male alligator to mate with any of the females.

Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction.

My new girlfriend works at the Zoo.

I think she is a keeper.

The other day, my son was kicked out of the zoo,

The security staff found him throwing chocolates and flowers into one of the enclosures. He said he had found 'the love of his life' and just wanted to give her some tokens of his love. Naturally, I was very concerned about this sort of behavior and didn't want to encourage any relationship of t...

Three boys are fighting at the zoo

The zookeeper separates them and says: "Alright, I want each of you to tell me his name and what he's doing here."

The first boy says: "My name is Mitch and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."

The second boy says: "My name is Ali and I was trying to feed peanuts to the goril...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys are working at a zoo's gorilla exhibit...

Three zookeepers are working at the gorilla exhibit and the zoo's twelve year old female gorilla, Chloe, is in heat. Chloe is behaving aggressive towards the other female gorillas and tearing her own enclosure apart. The three zookeepers know they must do something quick to calm her down. They MUST ...

A mime performed at a zoo.

The hours were flexible, and people paid him to act. He figured it was a good gig, so he went along with it. He did it for weeks and weeks, until one day the manager pull him inside. The mime was a bit worried, but he shrugged it off. The manager, looking panicked, said that, recently, the zoo's gre...

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back...

I was at the zoo with my daughter.

She said, "Daddy! Why are the monkeys throwing their poo around?"


I said, "I don't know, honey. I guess it's their way of communicating."


She said, "Well, they're certainly eating their words now."

Animal meeting at the zoo..

Lion: You're late, we said to meet at sunset

Giraffe: I can still see the sun you damn midget

Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.

Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.

So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.

Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family were visiting the Zoo

When their 7 year old daughter who is watching the elephants in their enclosure, sees the elephant’s penis hanging down below the male elephant. She asks her father, “Daddy, what is that hanging down under that elephant over there?” Her father, not ready to have that talk with her says, “I don’t kno...

Ok a man was at the zoo

And was nearing the lion enclosure. When he gets there he watches the lions and sees a litlle girl fall into the enclosure. The heroic man jumps in,punches the lion in its nose, and saves the girl. The parents thank him and the crowd cheers him. The next morning he turns on the news. The news says <...

The Zoo Joke

A man had an uncle who happened to own a zoo. One day, the uncle unfortunately passes away. When the man speaks to his uncle's lawyer, the lawyer offers to give him the zoo. The man willingly agrees. The zoo has an aquarium, a lion cage and a bird cage but it is in horrible condition. The man pays t...

Trip to the Zoo

One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said, "It's such a nice day, I think I'll take Joe to the zoo."


"I wouldn't bother," said father.



"If they want him, let them come and get him!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the doctor who fucked a zoo animal?

He was charged with a HIPPO violation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My uncle was caught having sex with sheep at a petting zoo and he just escaped from prison.

Now he’s on the lam

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

Me and my son we're at the zoo...

And he asked me " those turtles are doing piggy backs" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said " Son those are tortoises"

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?

The Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and its Latin name. The Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Did you hear about the job at the zoo performing Elephant circumcisions?

The Pay is terrible, but the Tips are massive!

A Muslim Couple decided to spend their day at the zoo.

They stopped at the Gorilla enclosure.

The Girlfriend then said, "The baby gorilla is soooo cute, I want to kiss it"

The Boyfriend then said. "No! That is Haram bae!!"

Why did they stop giving tests at the zoo?

It was full of cheetahs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He wal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old Russian joke: One day the bear escaped from the zoo

One day the bear escaped from the zoo and climbed a tree in a residential area. Same day lonely old lady came out in the morning for milk, saw the bear and called the zoo. Half an hour later a rusty old van drove to her house. Hefty bearded man with a shotgun got out of the van followed by little wh...

One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books; On the Origin of Species and the Bible.

Surprised, he asked the orangutan, "Why are you reading both of those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A Muslim man and his Muslim wife were at a zoo

They see a whole group of people attempting to kill a gorilla who was holding a child.

The wife turns to her husband and said "Oh no, this is immoral and horrid!"

The husband then looks at her and said "It's Harambe."

Family zoo trip

The other day I took my family to the local zoo. We walk up to a nearby exhibit and, to our surprise, see a donkey covered in sugar. I turn to my wife and say

"Damn, honey, that's one sweet ass".

Going to the zoo and being able to name only one primate?

That’s a gibbon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a zoo.......

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper expla...

Gave a sales pitch at a petting zoo today

They were eating out the palm of my hand

Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn’t do so.

At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.

Kid 1 : “My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 2 : “My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 3 : “My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the...

A monkey was kicked out of the zoo for taking fruit off of a tree

It was a bananable offense.

A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.

"He was just walking down the road," the man said.

"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gorilla dies at the Zoo...

Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend...

If a zoo had a half man half horse...

Do you think it would be the centaur of attention?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 8 year old girl goes to the zoo with her family...

...and all starts off well until they see the monkeys. The little girl sees two baboons having rough sex, then tugs on her mothers arm and points at the monkeys.

"Mommy, mommy! What are they doing?"

Flabbergasted by this situation, but wanting to spare her daughter's innocence, the mo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Took my girl to the zoo this weekend...

They only had this Chinese dog. It was a shit zoo.