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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

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Orgy at the Zoo

(row row row your boat tune)
Fuck fuck fuck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. Sixty nine a porcupine. Orgy at the zoo.

A man walks into a zoo and finds out the only animal in it is a dog. The man yells out:

"What a shihtzu!"

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I went to the zoo today but there was only one animal.

It was a Shitzu

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

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The weirdest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

I saw a baguette at the zoo today

It said bread in captivity

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I went to the zoo and watched the moneys masturating.

Then I went and watched the penguins, still masturbating.

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

At the zoo

I saw a man crying at the zoo and asked him what had happened. He sobbed that the elephant had just died. I asked if he was the keeper and he wailed and said " No, I `m the one what has to bury it "

An Ethiopian fell into an alligator pen at San Diego zoo

He ate 5 before they could get him out.

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I went to the zoo the other day...

And I saw the monkeys wanking...

Then I went to see the giraffes, and I was still wanking.

I tried to open up a flightless bird zoo business.

But it never took off.

I got a new job at the zoo, circumcising elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

I had to dump 3 girls, now I'm dating a girl from the zoo.

I think she's a keeper.

An Englishman was bringing monkeys to the zoo

On his way to the zoo his van breaks down. The monkeys really needed to get to the zoo so the Englishman calls his Irish friend Paddy.

Englishman: 'Paddy, I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the zoo for me'

Paddy: 'Aye not a problem lad, I'll be right there'

So Paddy ...

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

Once upon a time, there was a zoo. The only animal in the zoo was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Why did the chicken go to the zoo?

To get to the otter slide.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

NASA announced today it discovered a petting zoo on Mars

This comes after an accident in which Curiosity killed the cat.

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

If I told you that I lived in the zoo,

would I be lion? (Probably not new, but I thought of it today, and yes, I am a dad.)

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

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An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.

“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman

“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy a...

Who isn't allowed in the zoo's quiz team?

The Cheetah

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

A man visits a zoo

A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants....

I got fired from the zoo today for talking to Dumbo

Apparently I am not allowed to address the elephant in the room

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

What do you call a zoo that only has giraffes in it?

Giraffic Park

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

I’ve just been fired from my job as a zoo keeper at my local zoo....

....all the signs said “Do Not Feed The Animals”

A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo.

They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down.

I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

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A dad and his young son are at the zoo.

They’re at the elephant enclosure and the little boy points to the elephants trunk and says, “Daddy, what is that?”
“That’s the elephants nose son.”
The elephant turns to the side and without warning, it’s massive penis is in full view.
“What’s that daddy?”
The dad, not wanting to deal ...

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

A was approached by an animal rights activist at the zoo. "What separates you from the animals held captive here?" They shouted.

"A fence." I replied.

I was at a zoo with my kids…

and, kids being kids, they begged to go to the petting zoo. When we got there, we went straight to the goats, an animal my children love. When we got there, we did not see any kids for my children to pet. I looked around for a zookeeper and asked about them. She basically said that the goats are...

One day a father took his two children to a zoo.

They were having a great time, until one realized the lion was acting strangely. Almost human like. So the father decides to tell one of the zoo employees. He leans over and says,”our lion died last week, so we hired a replacement”. The father didn’t bother to tell his children and went on with the ...

An elephant escaped from the zoo yesterday.

Police believe it's hiding in a room somewhere. Citizens are requested not to mention it.

What do you get when you cross a Leopoard with a Panda?

Fired from the zoo

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Apparently the answer is "banned from the petting zoo".

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts "Hey are you a caiman?"

"I'm alright, thanks kid" he replies

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The main attraction gorilla at a zoo dies right before the zoo opens for the day.

Many of the zoo’s daily visitors come just to see the gorilla. So, in a desperate move, the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Qui...

Some say I have the heart of a lion

Others say I’m banned from that zoo

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A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend

While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge erection

She whisper to her mother "What is that between his legs?" & her mother whisper back "Oh that is nothing darling."

Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her fat...

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

A man is looking for the infamous boxing lion

It escaped from the zoo early sunday morning, all around jokes ville
He strolled Down clown lane
His friends looked out from the jesters nest
Around the dad pun roundabout
No sight of it.

So, they went on reddit's very own r/jokes

They looked in the title
They looked in ...

Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.

Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and...

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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the da...

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A family goes to the zoo...

and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals. The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, "Mommy, what's that?!" She tells him that it's a monkey. Soon after he points again, asking "Mommy, what's that?" She tells him that i...

A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next mornin...

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Giovanni from the zoo

One day there was a gorilla stuck in Mrs. Johnson’s tree. She called the zoo and they said they’ll send Giovanni over to get him down. 20 minutes later the doorbell rings. Mrs Johnson opens the door and sees Giovanni standing there with a ladder a feather a pit bull and a shotgun. She asks “what’s a...

Rocky Balboa had the eye of the tiger...

...and a lifetime ban from the Philadelphia zoo.

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A zookeeper was having bother with one of his gorrilas....

A zookeeper was having bother with one of his gorrilas as it was in heat and needed to have sex to calm down. There is no male gorrilas currently fit to do the job.

The zookeeper calls up his friend him on the phone and says "Here Jim I've got a real problem one of my gorrilas is in heat woul...

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A man and his young son were at a zoo.

They stopped at the elephant exhibit, and the boy asked his father, "Dad, what's that?"

The man responded, "That's an elephant, son."

"No, the thing hanging down from the elephant."

"Oh. That's the elephant's trunk."

"No, not the trunk. On the other side."

"Do yo...

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

So in reality, that children's zoo is really overreacting.

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A young couple is walking in the zoo

as they suddenly stop in front of a gorilla figure. The gorilla stares at the young woman and turns to the bars to get a better view. The husband says, "Hey, he seems to be on you."

The young woman laughs and starts to play around with her blouse. The gorilla starts drooling and his DingDong...

A kangaroo keeps escaping his enclosure at the zoo.

In an effort to keep him inside at night, the zookeepers construct a 10-foot fence around his habitat. The next morning, they find the kangaroo wandering around the zoo. The zookeepers construct a 20-foot fence to keep the kangaroo from escaping, but the next day he is loose once again. The zookeepe...

The bear in our local zoo is losing his eyesight, so the zookeeper decided to try some prescription glasses on him.

It’s quite a grizzly spectacle.

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...

Succeeds

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer is concerned and says:

"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A coup...

Someone complimented me that I have a heart of a LION

On an unrelated note... Do they have CCTV cameras in the zoo??

I have the heart of a lion

It's a shame that the zoo won't let me back in though

My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo.

He was feeding them to the lions.

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw the elephant wearing sunglasses?

nothing, he didn’t recognise him

Birthday cake

A little girl is walking to the zoo with her mom when they pass by 2 dogs in a yard screwing.

"Mama! Look at those dogs! What are they doing?"

"Don't worry, sweetie, they're just making a birthday cake."



After they get to the zoo, they go to see the monkeys and sure en...

A man pulls up to a gas station with two penguins in the back seat.

The gas station employee asks him what he's doing with them in his car.

"I'm taking them to the zoo" the man replies.

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea" says the employee.

The next day the man pulls up again with the penguins still in his back seat.

"I thought you were t...

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My trip to the zoo

I just went to this zoo while on a road trip and it was the worst. It only had 1 animal, a normal house dog.



It was a shitzu

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Some nsfw funnies I remembered

1)

There was a dad whose response was very odd to stuff asked by his son.

S: Can I ride my bike to school?

D: Does your dick touch your asshole?

S: No

D: Well there's your answer

So on and so forth, "Can I date girls?", "Can I smoke?", "Can I skip school tod...

A Pony in Striped Pyjama

A zebra lived her whole life in a zoo but was getting on in age, so the zoo decided to let her spend her final years on a farm. The zebra was excited to see a huge pasture with green grass and hills and many strange animals.


She went up to a fat brown thing and said, "I'm a zebra, what ar...

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

There was a highway cop

... and he was sitting in his patrol car on the side of a highway, with his speed gun, doing the same thing he does every day: watching the law abiding citizens drive past obeying the speed limit.

A yellow car goes past.

A red car.

A white van.

A green car.

A black...

Lions eat anything

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he d...

They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could

I got away with the bear minimum

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Husband takes hot wife to the zoo.

They walk around and see the Tiger, then they move on to next cage and see the bears and after they see all the animals they go and see the gorilla, they get really close the cage and the gorilla gets a bit exited about the hot wife, so husband notices that and tells the wife,
"Hey babe lift up ...

I just got banned from the National Zoo for making a parrot giggle...

... its polly tickle correctness gone mad!

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

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