I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...


“What did you just call it?” I asked.


“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.

A family is at the zoo with their young son

They’re walking into the elephant exhibit and the dad steps away to go get some popcorn. As the son is looking at the elephants, he turns to his mother and asks

“Mom, what’s that hanging down between the elephants legs?”

“Oh that’s his trunk sweetie, it’s kind of like their nose”
...

I went on a first date to the zoo with a nice lass

As we were walking to the entrance I asked her if I could get the tickets but she told me not to worry because she got a staff discount there.

After that she told me about all these incredible animals and I was blown away by the whole experience. Such a beautiful day.

She's a keeper.

Trip to the zoo

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, sleeveless pink spring dress with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one ha...

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

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Which specie is the most in number in a zoo?

Homosapiens

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A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horney.

One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he ...

What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds?

Giraffe Sick Park

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So there's a little girl at the zoo with her parents

The little girl see 2 monkeys fucking right so she asks her mom "What are they doing mommy? " the mom then says "They're baking a cake sweetheart "

Later on there way back home the little girl sees 2 dogs fucking she asks "What are they doing mommy?" Then the mom says " They are baking a cake...

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

Got sacked from my job as a zoo keeper.

But as I said in my disciplinary

"all the signs say DON'T feed the animals"

I thought I was visiting a Zoo in China

Until someone handed me a menu.

2 Tigers At The Bronx Zoo Are Talking

Fred: Hey did you hear what happened to Bob the Tiger?

Larry: Yea, COVID-19. Unbelievable! How could he get a human illness?

Fred: He had a zookeeper for dinner last week.

Larry: That's terrible.

Fred: It gets worse.

Larry: Bob ate a human who gave him Coronavirus,...

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind"...

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

I went to a zoo that only had one animal

It was a shih tzu.

A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"

But t...

A trip to the zoo

Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today, Junior?

Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially when one of the animals came in at twenty-to-one!

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A kid gets back from his field trip to the zoo where his dad is at the school waiting for him

Dad - “hey son how was your trip”

Son - “it was so cool I got chased by a lion”

Dad - “omg son what happened”

Son - “I saw it chasing some so I ran as fast as I could”

Dad - “and then what happened”

Son - “right as it was catching up, it slipped!”

Dad ...

The other day my friend and I saw a dehydrated alligator as we were walking through the zoo,

I said to my friend, “What should we do?”

To which he responded, “Call the vet so she can get it some *Gator-Aid*!”

I have a friend who works in a zoo

My friend works in a zoo, I thought that would be my dream job. I asked him, "hey man, you enjoy your job?".

He said, "no man, I'm not happy at all"

So I asked him, "what do you do at the zoo?"

He told me, "I work as an elephant circumciser. The job is messy, ugly and smelly, bu...

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A zoo has the last gorilla of its kind and their worried that she may die soon

The owner is worried about a species going extinct on their watch but they can't find a compatible mate. They hired a scientist to try to find a compatible mate and finds that humans are the only surviving species that can successfully mate with the gorilla and produce viable offspring. After some t...

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Bear escaped from the zoo

Bear escaped from the zoo. No one can find it.

Finally, grandma calls 911: - Oh, a bear got into my yard and climbed on a tree! Take it away, I'm scared!!

A man comes with a small dog, gives grandma a rifle, points out at the dog and says: - Grandma, this is Biscuit. I'm going to clim...

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Orgy at the Zoo

(row row row your boat tune)
Fuck fuck fuck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. Sixty nine a porcupine. Orgy at the zoo.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

I’ve been dating this girl who works at the zoo.

I’m pretty sure she’s a keeper.

BREAKING: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo

He has taken 6 ostriches

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A man walks into a zoo and the only thing there is a dog...

It’s a shitzu

I went to a children's petting zoo once.

So many angry parents.

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I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking,

then I went to the park... still wanking.

A man was driving down the road

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

...

What do you get when you cross human DNA with a goat?

Arrested and Banned from the petting zoo

A zoo owner is busy at his desk when 3 of his assistants walk in, a blonde, brunette, and redhead.

The brunette steps forward and says, “Sir, we’ve finished our work on those new exhibits you wanted”. The man gets up from his desk and follows the three out of the room down to the exhibit hall.

First the brunette stops and turns and points at here exhibit. “Ah, you finished the gorilla cag...

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My buddy just got a job down at the zoo circumsizing elephants...

He told me the job sucks but the tips are huge

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

I lost my job at the zoo today...

I got sacked from my job at the zoo the other day… It was really unfair… There were signs everywhere saying ‘Don’t Feed the Animals!’….. so I didn’t…

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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

A little boy goes to the zoo for the first time with his parents ....

They go by the elephant pen and the little boy asks his mother, "mommy, what is that thing hanging down?" She replies, "that's his trunk." The little boy says, "no, mommy .... hanging down toward the back!" She quickly replies, "oh, that's the tail." The little boy asks, "noooo, mommy, in front ...

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo.

They thanked him for returning me.

A man took his son to the zoo.

They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.

He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them.The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and ...

Telling these ones right. The worst Zoo I ever went to...

was overpriced, smelly and almost all the enclosures were empty, the only exhibit worth looking at was some yappy little dog with bug eyes, anyway...It was a Shih Tzu

A cop pulls over a old lady for running a stop sign at an intersection.

As he approaches the car he notices 6 penguins in the back seat of her car. She rolls down the window and the cop says "Ma'am I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there, but now that I am here I have to say, you cant just be driving around with these penguins in your car. You shou...

I tried to open up a flightless bird zoo business.

But it never took off.

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

An Englishman was bringing monkeys to the zoo

On his way to the zoo his van breaks down. The monkeys really needed to get to the zoo so the Englishman calls his Irish friend Paddy.

Englishman: 'Paddy, I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the zoo for me'

Paddy: 'Aye not a problem lad, I'll be right there'

So Paddy ...

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The weirdest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

I had to dump 3 girls, now I'm dating a girl from the zoo.

I think she's a keeper.

An Ethiopian fell into an alligator pen at San Diego zoo

He ate 5 before they could get him out.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

A classic by my grandpa.

It was funnier because he spoke broken English and cracked himself up every time.

Two Czechoslovakian friends were visiting the zoo. One leaned over the edge of the polar bear pit and fell in. He was quickly gobbled up. The zoo keeper came over mortified and asked the crowd what happened. On...

Why did the chicken go to the zoo?

To get to the otter slide.

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I went to the zoo and watched the moneys masturating.

Then I went and watched the penguins, still masturbating.

At the zoo

I saw a man crying at the zoo and asked him what had happened. He sobbed that the elephant had just died. I asked if he was the keeper and he wailed and said " No, I `m the one what has to bury it "

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

My grandfather had the heart of a tiger

And a lifetime ban at the zoo

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An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.

“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman

“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy a...

NASA announced today it discovered a petting zoo on Mars

This comes after an accident in which Curiosity killed the cat.

I got fired from the zoo today for talking to Dumbo

Apparently I am not allowed to address the elephant in the room

Who isn't allowed in the zoo's quiz team?

The Cheetah

If I told you that I lived in the zoo,

would I be lion? (Probably not new, but I thought of it today, and yes, I am a dad.)

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

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An Englishman's got a vanload of monkeys

So an Englishman's got a vanload of monkeys; he's taking them to the zoo. About half way there his van breaks down, so he pulls over. Anyway, he looks in his rear-view mirror and he sees Paddy comming up behind him with an empty van, so he pulls him over. The Englishman says "Paddy, if I give you 50...

A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:


“It’s no...

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I told my teacher "what dat ass do?"

She sighed heavily and said,

Donkeys work as pack animals, in vineyards, agriculture, and petting zoos. They can carry equipment and supplies for day trips or overnight camping expeditions.

Furthermore, some pull carts or plow small fields for farmers. In many countries, donkeys are ...

A man visits a zoo

A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants....

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts "Hey are you a caiman?"

"I'm alright, thanks kid" he replies

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

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The main attraction gorilla at a zoo dies right before the zoo opens for the day.

Many of the zoo’s daily visitors come just to see the gorilla. So, in a desperate move, the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Qui...

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

I got to bang a 10/10 cougar after a night at the club

Now I'm banned from the local zoo..

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

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panda

So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.

Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'

So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some b...

What dessert do you eat at a zoo?

Tirami-zoo





I want to die

One day a father took his two children to a zoo.

They were having a great time, until one realized the lion was acting strangely. Almost human like. So the father decides to tell one of the zoo employees. He leans over and says,”our lion died last week, so we hired a replacement”. The father didn’t bother to tell his children and went on with the ...

A was approached by an animal rights activist at the zoo. "What separates you from the animals held captive here?" They shouted.

"A fence." I replied.

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A dad and his young son are at the zoo.

They’re at the elephant enclosure and the little boy points to the elephants trunk and says, “Daddy, what is that?”
“That’s the elephants nose son.”
The elephant turns to the side and without warning, it’s massive penis is in full view.
“What’s that daddy?”
The dad, not wanting to deal ...

A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo.

They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down.

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back...

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully ...

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Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know ...

Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...

Succeeds

My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo.

He was feeding them to the lions.

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A family goes to the zoo...

and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals. The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, "Mommy, what's that?!" She tells him that it's a monkey. Soon after he points again, asking "Mommy, what's that?" She tells him that i...

A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next mornin...

An elephant escaped from the zoo yesterday.

Police believe it's hiding in a room somewhere. Citizens are requested not to mention it.

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Husband takes hot wife to the zoo.

They walk around and see the Tiger, then they move on to next cage and see the bears and after they see all the animals they go and see the gorilla, they get really close the cage and the gorilla gets a bit exited about the hot wife, so husband notices that and tells the wife,
"Hey babe lift up ...

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

I got fired form the zoo.

Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

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