I used to work at the zoo, where my job was to circumcise Elephants.

The pay was rubbish, but the tips were huge!

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts

"Hey are you a caiman?"



"I'm alright, thanks kid!" He replies

If a zoo had a half man half horse...

Do you think it would be the centaur of attention?

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

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A man is looking for a job and sees that the local zoo is searching for a zookeeper.

He goes for it but the director has a negative answer: "I'm so sorry but we just hired someone for the job but if you want, I can offer you something else. Our gorilla died this morning and tomorrow is Saturday so I can't get another gorilla that fast. If you want, we have a gorilla costume and if y...

I went to the zoo yesterday, but the only animal there was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

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Me and my family recently went to a zoo

It had bad ratings on websites. When we went there it was completely empty except one small dog

It was a shit zoo

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

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What can you say during sex and at the zoo?

Can I touch it mum?

What are the skimpy bathing suits that people wear at the zoo?

Zucchinis

Did you hear the zoo is hiring someone to perform elephant circumcisions?

The pay's not great, but the tips are pretty big.

The lizard and snake exhibits at our local zoo just closed down.

Turns out they have a reptile dysfunction.

A zoo has the most amazing gorilla specimen, but no mate for her...

They cannot find someone to satisfy this amazing female gorilla but cannot find any gorillas strong enough to withstand her.

Eventually they realize the janitor, Hank, is a very big, strong and hairy man. The zoo owner approaches him and says:
“Hey Hank, you know Lucy the gorilla? Woul...

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A man is being hunted by police on suspicion of bestiality following allegations that he has been engaging in sexual acts at Chester Zoo.

He was last seen ~~getting~~ sliding into a Jaguar.

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

A family is at the zoo with their young son

They’re walking into the elephant exhibit and the dad steps away to go get some popcorn. As the son is looking at the elephants, he turns to his mother and asks

“Mom, what’s that hanging down between the elephants legs?”

“Oh that’s his trunk sweetie, it’s kind of like their nose”
...

It’s 1975 and a zebra from the Bronx zoo dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said "That's a question only God can answer.”

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked "God, please - I must know... am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are.”

The zebra...

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

I met my girlfriend while visiting the zoo. There she was, in her uniform...

straightaway I knew she was a keeper

I went on a first date to the zoo with a nice lass

As we were walking to the entrance I asked her if I could get the tickets but she told me not to worry because she got a staff discount there.

After that she told me about all these incredible animals and I was blown away by the whole experience. Such a beautiful day.

She's a keeper.

A big cat escaped from its enclosure at the zoo yesterday.

Almost made me puma pants.

I was at the zoo the other day when I noticed a baguette in one of the enclosures...

I went up to the zookeeper and asked why there was a baguette in a zoo. He replied "oh that?! It's bread in captivity"

I went to an empty zoo...

All they had was one dog in a cage. I guess you could call it a Shih Tzu

Who is the jazziest zoo animal?

Ella Phantzgerald

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind"...

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A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horney.

One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he ...

Got sacked from my job as a zoo keeper.

But as I said in my disciplinary

"all the signs say DON'T feed the animals"

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”



Jeff replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”



“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.



The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving d...

What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds?

Giraffe Sick Park

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Which specie is the most in number in a zoo?

Homosapiens

I’ve been dating this girl who works at the zoo.

I’m pretty sure she’s a keeper.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Trip to the zoo

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, sleeveless pink spring dress with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one ha...

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

2 Tigers At The Bronx Zoo Are Talking

Fred: Hey did you hear what happened to Bob the Tiger?

Larry: Yea, COVID-19. Unbelievable! How could he get a human illness?

Fred: He had a zookeeper for dinner last week.

Larry: That's terrible.

Fred: It gets worse.

Larry: Bob ate a human who gave him Coronavirus,...

I thought I was visiting a Zoo in China

Until someone handed me a menu.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

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A zoo has the last gorilla of its kind and their worried that she may die soon

The owner is worried about a species going extinct on their watch but they can't find a compatible mate. They hired a scientist to try to find a compatible mate and finds that humans are the only surviving species that can successfully mate with the gorilla and produce viable offspring. After some t...

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Bear escaped from the zoo

Bear escaped from the zoo. No one can find it.

Finally, grandma calls 911: - Oh, a bear got into my yard and climbed on a tree! Take it away, I'm scared!!

A man comes with a small dog, gives grandma a rifle, points out at the dog and says: - Grandma, this is Biscuit. I'm going to clim...

A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"

But t...

A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little insquisitive...

"Why do we have two humps," asked the son.
"That's so we can go for days without water. We can store it in the humps."

"Why do we have very long eyelashes?
"That," he was told, "is to protect the eyes from sand in a sand storm."

"And why do we have bulbous looking feet?"
"That...

I have the heart of a lion...

and a lifetime ban at the zoo

A trip to the zoo

Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today, Junior?

Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially when one of the animals came in at twenty-to-one!

What do you get when you mix human and goat dna?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

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A kid gets back from his field trip to the zoo where his dad is at the school waiting for him

Dad - “hey son how was your trip”

Son - “it was so cool I got chased by a lion”

Dad - “omg son what happened”

Son - “I saw it chasing some so I ran as fast as I could”

Dad - “and then what happened”

Son - “right as it was catching up, it slipped!”

Dad ...

I have a friend who works in a zoo

My friend works in a zoo, I thought that would be my dream job. I asked him, "hey man, you enjoy your job?".

He said, "no man, I'm not happy at all"

So I asked him, "what do you do at the zoo?"

He told me, "I work as an elephant circumciser. The job is messy, ugly and smelly, bu...

The other day my friend and I saw a dehydrated alligator as we were walking through the zoo,

I said to my friend, “What should we do?”

To which he responded, “Call the vet so she can get it some *Gator-Aid*!”

A man gets pulled over by a cop for driving with a rhino in his car.

"Sir, are you aware that driving with a rhino in your car is illegal?" The cop said. The man looks bewildered.

"Really? I had no clue!"

"I'll let you off this time, but only if you promise to take it straight to the zoo."

The man agrees and the cop lets him go.

A week lat...

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

A dad decides to take his young son to a zoo for the first time.

He found a poster for a zoo that was opening in town with free entry the first day. So he takes his son down to the zoo, but he finds out that the poster was a ploy.

The only animals there were dogs! It was an animal adoption disguised as a zoo to get people to come in and adopt!

The d...

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I was at the zoo and saw this monkey staring at me while vigorously masturbating. I couldnt figure out why...

But then it came to me

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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

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Orgy at the Zoo

(row row row your boat tune)
Fuck fuck fuck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. Sixty nine a porcupine. Orgy at the zoo.

A zoo owner is busy at his desk when 3 of his assistants walk in, a blonde, brunette, and redhead.

The brunette steps forward and says, “Sir, we’ve finished our work on those new exhibits you wanted”. The man gets up from his desk and follows the three out of the room down to the exhibit hall.

First the brunette stops and turns and points at here exhibit. “Ah, you finished the gorilla cag...

BREAKING: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo

He has taken 6 ostriches

I lost my job at the zoo today...

I got sacked from my job at the zoo the other day… It was really unfair… There were signs everywhere saying ‘Don’t Feed the Animals!’….. so I didn’t…

I went to a children's petting zoo once.

So many angry parents.

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I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking,

then I went to the park... still wanking.

Young Gulls

The dolphin trainers at the state zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young se...

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

A little boy goes to the zoo for the first time with his parents ....

They go by the elephant pen and the little boy asks his mother, "mommy, what is that thing hanging down?" She replies, "that's his trunk." The little boy says, "no, mommy .... hanging down toward the back!" She quickly replies, "oh, that's the tail." The little boy asks, "noooo, mommy, in front ...

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

A man took his son to the zoo.

They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.

He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them.The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and ...

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

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So there's a little girl at the zoo with her parents

The little girl see 2 monkeys fucking right so she asks her mom "What are they doing mommy? " the mom then says "They're baking a cake sweetheart "

Later on there way back home the little girl sees 2 dogs fucking she asks "What are they doing mommy?" Then the mom says " They are baking a cake...

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The weirdest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo.

They thanked him for returning me.

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The baboon.

The zoo owner is becoming concerned because his star attraction, the baboon, is becoming more and more aggressive. He calls an old buddy of his from college, who happens a to have been a zoology major. The zoo owner explains what has been going on, and asks his friend if there is anything that can b...

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A young camel is walking around with its mother

He says: "Mom, why do we have two humps?" The mom thinks for a second and replies: "Well, my son, we use it to store fat. In the desert food can be quite scarce so the fat in our humps helps us survive."

After a few moments the little camel says: "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" Th...

I had to dump 3 girls, now I'm dating a girl from the zoo.

I think she's a keeper.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

An Englishman was bringing monkeys to the zoo

On his way to the zoo his van breaks down. The monkeys really needed to get to the zoo so the Englishman calls his Irish friend Paddy.

Englishman: 'Paddy, I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the zoo for me'

Paddy: 'Aye not a problem lad, I'll be right there'

So Paddy ...

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

Telling these ones right. The worst Zoo I ever went to...

was overpriced, smelly and almost all the enclosures were empty, the only exhibit worth looking at was some yappy little dog with bug eyes, anyway...It was a Shih Tzu

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I went to the zoo and watched the moneys masturating.

Then I went and watched the penguins, still masturbating.

Why did the chicken go to the zoo?

To get to the otter slide.

I tried to open up a flightless bird zoo business.

But it never took off.

2 Stupid Friends talking.

Ram to Shyam:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Monkeys like you should be in a zoo,
Don't be sad I will be there too,
But not in a cage
Just laughing at you.

Shyam back to Ram:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are,
Once you know ...

An Ethiopian fell into an alligator pen at San Diego zoo

He ate 5 before they could get him out.

At the zoo

I saw a man crying at the zoo and asked him what had happened. He sobbed that the elephant had just died. I asked if he was the keeper and he wailed and said " No, I `m the one what has to bury it "

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

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Bear Retrieval Team

A man wakes in London and looks out his apartment window to see a bear at the top of a tree in Hyde Park. He immediately calls the police who say yeah, we’ve been looking for the bear he recently escaped from the zoo we’ll send the specialist bear retrieval team. Shortly, there’s a knock at his door...

A British man was deliverying a monkey to a zoon when his van broke down...

He rang the repair company but they told him they won't be out to him for another four hours. He began to panic because the monkey had to be delivered in an hour or he wasn't getting paid.

Not two minutes went by before an Irish man was driving by and pulled over to see if the British man nee...

NASA announced today it discovered a petting zoo on Mars

This comes after an accident in which Curiosity killed the cat.

I got fired from the zoo today for talking to Dumbo

Apparently I am not allowed to address the elephant in the room

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In Animal Crossing, Isabelle really has her work cut out for her.

Man, managing a bunch of animals? I guess it really is a shit zoo.

Who isn't allowed in the zoo's quiz team?

The Cheetah

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

Always be closing

Head car salesman Jeff, having just had a heart to heart with bottom performer Larry about how important getting his next sale was to keeping his job, walked back out onto the sales lot and into a sight that nearly caused him to have a coronary.

Larry, considered dim even by using LED bulb wa...

A cop pulls over a old lady for running a stop sign at an intersection.

As he approaches the car he notices 6 penguins in the back seat of her car. She rolls down the window and the cop says "Ma'am I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there, but now that I am here I have to say, you cant just be driving around with these penguins in your car. You shou...

A man visits a zoo

A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants....

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