I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A Tour Guide at a dinosaur museum is guiding around a group of people. Looking at a T-Rex he says

"This fossil is 23,000,011 years old." One of the members of the group asks out of curiosity, "Wow, how'd they find out such a specific number?" the guide replied "Well, it was 23,000,000 when I started 11 years ago."

*Source: Reader's Digest*

A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London.

“This mummy here is over 5,000 years old,” the guide told the group. “It’s possible that Moses saw it.”

​

A tourist raises her hand and asks, “When was Moses ever in London?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

This is my first dad joke post :)

Vandals have committed a terrible attack on the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds!

I went to a museum to feed the animals...

...but they were all stuffed.

A western guy gets a job polishing statues in a natural history museum in India

Before he starts working, some locals warn him of the last man who did this job. "Ve should inform you that the insect exhibit is cursed and the poor man's kid vound up dead after he vas seen cleaning here."

The guy says to them, "sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense!" and proceeds t...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers and elephants.

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the mus...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

A recently-hired Security Guard at a museum was standing guard in front of a Tyrannosaurus Rex's display...

A visitor to the museum asked the Guard, "How old is that skeleton?"

The Guard replied, "That T-Rex is 60 million years, and 37 days old."

"Wow," replied the visitor. "How do they know the age to such a precise amount?"

"Well, when I started here 37 days ago, they told me it ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boyfriend and I had sex in a paleolithic museum

Unfortunately, we're both positive for hepatitis BC, now.

A professor takes his class to a museum

A professor take this class to a museum. He goes on to tell the class about many art sculptures and the meaning behind each and every detail. All of a sudden a janitor appears calls out the professor for being wrong about his whole lecture. Shocked the professor says,
“Well if you think you know ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

What do you call 2 petri dishes enjoying themselves at an art museum?

Cultured

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got banned from the museum for life after smacking the ass of Michalangelo’s David

I think that’s when I really hit rock bottom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the National Air and Space museum today...

Well that was shit, the museum is filled with stuff!

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

​

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was...

A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit.

The display has a sign in front saying “2982 BC.”

One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?”

His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

What's on display at the French War Museum?

Running shoes

The Scrabble museum was robbed last night.

the curators are at a loss for words.

A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away wit...

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

I went to a museum of modern art the other day and saw a cone statue.

I really enjoyed it and would have liked to prolong my visit, but it was truncated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a museum exhibit on feces, but the lighting was awful.

I couldn't see shit.

I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...

It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it sucked.

I took my son to the space museum last weekend.

They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.

Between my friends, museum is code word for Strip Clubs...

... because NO TOUCHING!!

The great thing about the Alzheimers museum is...

No matter how many times you go, it always seems new.

I just got fired from my job in Museum

They said they're not happy with my work here, which is ridiculous, i only worked here for 2 days and already sold 2 picassos.

which rapper can you find at an art museum?

Xzibit

My friend hates his job at the art museum.

He only does it for the Monet.

What's the point of having Hellen Keller's house turned into a museum?

If she never saw it why should I?

Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum?

Too many frames.

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

I tried to visit the contraceptive museum

But they wouldn't let me come inside.

City council wanted to demolish the local clown museum.

They couldn't because it's a hysterical landmark.

The joke about the museum guide

Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"

Guide: "70,000,006 years."

Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?"

Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."


💀🎷💀🎷

[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/...

Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

Air and Space Museum

So a 5 year old boy is walking around in the air and space museum, but he doesn't seem to be having a good time. Naturally, his mom asks him what's bothering him, and he responds: "Mom, it's just too boeing."

Two criminals are trying to get away from an art museum in their getaway van after stealing pieces from 3 artists.

One gets in and turns the key. The van won't start.
The other one turns and asks, "Why aren't we moving?"
"I have no Monet to buy the Gascan to make the Van Gogh."

The dinosaur at the museum

A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.

Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:

- Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?

- It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.

Amazed by his answer, he says:

- Wow!, How can you be so pr...

Two art theives were going about their business at an art museum.

One said to the other, "Grab the Monet and let's Gogh."

The Auschwitz-Birkenau Museum released a PSA that visitors were not allowed to play Pokemon GO!

Because they didn't want people pretending to be Ash

A museum curator obtains a valuable painting called "The Joke"

The painting is put on exhibit, and to celebrate its arrival the museum throws a large party. Everyone there has an amazing time, and leaves very happy. The curator in all his excitement forgets to lock the museum. When he arrives at work the next day, he finds a terrifying sight. The painting is go...

I had a dream I was in a part of the US that was filled with nothing but museums.

It was State of the Art.

A man and his wife are in an art museum and come across....

A portrait of a beautiful woman covered only in leaves. Wife goes to move on to the next exhibit and husband is still there staring at the portrait she asks what are you waiting for?

Husband says... Fall

I was going to take another trip to the pencil museum

but decided it was pointless.

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

I went to a space museum, because they where having a prize drawing for a car.

I didn't win the car but they gave me a constellation prize.

Why did the cheese go to the museum?

To get cultured

I tried to buy admission to the World-famous Knife Museum...

...but people kept cutting in line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A museum curator was explaining an old gun

'To fire the gun you insert the Flint in the flintlock ; put the ball into the barrel with charge of powder from a powder horn and wad of cotton. The charge is then rammed down the barrel and tapped a few times with ramrod. Then the ramrod is replaced in the holder, the gun is cocked and then it is ...

A children's museum SOUNDS like a good idea...

...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases.

Black Friday at the geology museum was great!

There were so many great shales!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Clara was on a cruise by herself for vacation.

She was at the railings, staring at the ocean, watching the sunset. Then, a man walked down the stairs, watching her. He decided to start talking to Clara.

​

"Maam, you hsve very pretty eyes. Would you like to go eat dinner with me?"

​

Clara blushed ...

A very old German veteran took the bus home after visiting a history museum.

On the bus, he decided to take a quick 10 minute nap.

When he woke up, his shoes were gone.

Surprised, he asked the young lady sitting beside him if she had seen it. She replied in the negative.

After some more minutes of searching around without success, his frustration turned ...

What do museums and girls have in common?

It is always look but don't touch.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken!!

Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the Natural History Museum

and I saw the Neanderthal exhibit. Those guys were buff studs.

no homo

Did you hear about that new wax museum in Arizona.

And... it's gone.

How do you know you're in a modern art museum?

If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.

One day a man dies.

He wakes up and arrives at the gates of Hell, and he’s greeted by Hades with a dramatic entrance.
“Well hello sir and welcome to the underworld where your existence has always, and now forever will mean nothing. I dont have time to learn your name, so we can skip the introductions as you very wel...

I went to a military history exhibit at a museum in Little Italy.

I saw a cool old German submarine. I walked up to a guy and said, "Hey, is that a U-boat?"

He said, "No, it's-a the museum's!"

Did you hear about the Mexicans that robbed the train museum?

I don't know why they did it but they must have had a pretty 'loco' motive.

I was just reminiscing with my friends about our day out at the clock museum...

...good times!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was ind...

A cop sees a man walking a penguin on the street

The cop stops him and says
"Hey, you can't have that animal out here in public! Take it to the zoo where it belongs."
The man says " Sure no problem officer."
The next day the cop is standing on the same spot and sees the same guy walk by with the same penguin. He gets real mad and goes up...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where can you go to learn about the history of masturbation?

The “whacks” museum

A few numbers were on a field trip (dont mind my character choice)....

...when they stopped to admire the view and take a rest for a bit.

Four, being a good painter, decides to spend the break by painting some things. But instead of painting the view, he paints the beautiful pickup truck they have been riding on.

After he finished, he realized how well ma...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Hey Pete

A group of friends go to a crowded museum. A bet is set that anyone who slaps that fat bald guy on the back of the head without getting one in return, will have free lunch. One of them, Cal, accepts the challenge. walks up to the guy. gives him a big fuckoff smack in the head and says "hey Pete, wha...

"I broke a statue"

Museum Administrator : "Sir, that's a 700 year old statue that you just broke"

Visitor : "oh..really ?....thank God...I thought its brand new"

13,700,000,007

A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.

The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, “When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years...

So I rang the tourist office and asked:-

'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?'
'Are you walking or driving?'
'Driving.'
'Well, that would be the quickest way.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple attending an art exhibition...

...Were staring at a painting that had them totally confused. The painting depicted 3 black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. The 2 men siting on the ends had black penises, the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The Curator of the museum realized the couple was confused, so he ...

You know, Hitler must have been a pretty great artist.

There are a ton of museums dedicated to his work, after all.

Dang girl are you the Cross of Coronado?

Because you belong in a museum ;)

Ravens and Crows

A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question.

"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" ...

A self-absorbed man wants to get his bust sculpted.

He believes that one day he'll be very important, so he asks a sculptor to carve his bust out of marble to put into a museum in the future.

The sculptor says, "Sir, I think you're getting a head of yourself."