UPJOKE
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Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? Th...

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty...

The guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying.

"I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again! Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.

The burglar c...

My art was hanging in the metropolitan museum of art!

But then the security guard took down my post it note. :(

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Why was a used tampon on display at the museum?

It was a period piece.

What’s the difference between a black hole and a Mediterranean museum?

The museum has many Cretian dishes, but the hole only has one accretion disk.

I visited the Air and Space Museum

...but there was nothing there.

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

Why does milk turn into yogurt when you take it to a museum

Because it turns into cultured milk

Why the great pyramids are in Egypt?

Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

I met my wife while we working at the same museum

I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.

A museum tour guide told his visitor group that their T-Rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old.

When one of the visitors asked how they knew the skeleton's age so precisely, he replied that it was 65 million years old when he started working there 23 years ago.

What is something that feels british but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

I went to a Russian Art museum once...

To my surprise, it had another museum inside, just a little bit smaller.

Inside that one, there was another slightly smaller museum.

Then another,

Then another,

Then another...

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I went to the mining museum last Saturday

I was in ore.

Why are geology museums made of glass?

To keep people from throwing the rocks.

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A man comes home late, his wife asks why;

A man comes home late and his wife asks why,

The man says that he was looking at tits and boobies

The woman, clearly infuriated asks him where he was,

The man replies: "at the bird museum"

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

A man walks into a museum.

While wandering, he trips and breaks a vase.
He panicks and picks the pieces up.
But the curator appears and almost has a heart attack.
"What have you done! that vase was 2000 years old." He shrieks.
"Oh thank God." The man sighs in relief. " I thought it was brand new."

When the curator of The British Museum was asked how they felt about exotic & foreign art exhibitions, he replied...

We could take them or leave them

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80,000,011 years ago boner.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at a dinosaur boner. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the boner is?"

The guard replies, "He is 80,000,011 years old, and still stiff."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know h...

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum?

Too many frames.

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

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I heard on the news that someone had robbed the Tokyo Origami Museum in Japan

The reporter said that the story is still unfolding.

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Romance

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaura...

The new director of the Natural History museum wanted to attract more people, so they started giving dinosaur vertebrae away to newcomers.

Everyone was taken aback.

I recently took a trip to learn more about Greek culture and to gain a greater appreciation of their amazing works of art and architecture.

The British museum is a really cool place.

Christopher Museum

I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits.

He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan,

and these boots are made for Walken

The dinosaur at the museum

A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.

Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:

\- Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?

\- It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.

Amazed by his answer, he says:

\- Wow!, How can you be so...

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

The alarm went off when he left the archaeological museum.

Leo, 89, now feels much older...

What’s the least British thing in a British Museum?

The Exhibits

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

France's's National Cheese Museum just blew up

Over five hundred people were injured by de brie

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the mus...

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

TIL: America has more museums than McDonald's

McDonald's only has a few museums

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There’s a painting in a museum

There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis. The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, howe...

Why are fencing players so good at also being guards at museums?

They’re always en garde.

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

I heard this joke at a new museum opening in DC, told by a five year old:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Donut

Donut who?

Donut ask me, it's a secret.

That kid has a bright future of dad jokes ahead of him

Heard police caught a guy trying to steal all the head statues at the museum

Apparently he got busted

A Vincent Van Gogh painting was stolen this weekend from a Dutch Museum.

Now it's Vincent Van Gone.

A man went to an art museum

And, as fate would have it, he happened to be in the Impressionist gallery when an earthquake struck. The walls began to shake, and, instinctively, he stuck out his limbs to try to secure himself. When the dust had settled, he found himself stepping on a painting of several dancers, which was precar...

Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a waxwork of a medieval knight wielding his weapons.

"Tussauds?"

"Nah, he was holding a mace."

A dinosaur dies and wakes up millions of years later being put together in a museum

He was puzzled.

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My boyfriend and I had sex in a paleolithic museum

Unfortunately, we're both positive for hepatitis BC, now.

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

This girl in my museum studies class said she likes touching old things.

I want to make this a good semester for her.

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

A guy one day goes to a museum that has a dinosaur exhibit.

He spends a few hours wandering around and admiring the skeletons of a variety of dinosaur species. At one point he stops in front of particular exhibit trying to get some sense of its actual size and age of this magnificent creature. He notices not too far from him a museum worker and says to him...

A blind girl walks into a museum and stops at the King Tut display.

She grabs her seeing eye dog and starts swinging him over her head in a circle.
A man tackles her and they both fall to the floor.
Why the hell did you do that? she exclaims...I was just having a look around.

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

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I went to a museum exhibit on feces, but the lighting was awful.

I couldn't see shit.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

I just got fired from my job in Museum

They said they're not happy with my work here, which is ridiculous, i only worked here for 2 days and already sold 2 picassos.

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers and elephants.

The great thing about the Alzheimers museum is...

No matter how many times you go, it always seems new.

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Scientists have discovered that some dinosaurs were homosexual in a recent discovery

Megasaurarse will be coming to a museum near you

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Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

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I went on a tour of the fellatio museum recently

My mind was blown by the experience.

We went to a lumbering museum recently...

The guide, a former lumberjack, described work with a pit saw as very dangerous. "If you don't believe me," he said, "go ask my half brother!"

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

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Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

A Tour Guide at a dinosaur museum is guiding around a group of people. Looking at a T-Rex he says

"This fossil is 23,000,011 years old." One of the members of the group asks out of curiosity, "Wow, how'd they find out such a specific number?" the guide replied "Well, it was 23,000,000 when I started 11 years ago."

*Source: Reader's Digest*

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away wit...

The Scrabble museum was robbed last night.

the curators are at a loss for words.

A western guy gets a job polishing statues in a natural history museum in India

Before he starts working, some locals warn him of the last man who did this job. "Ve should inform you that the insect exhibit is cursed and the poor man's kid vound up dead after he vas seen cleaning here."

The guy says to them, "sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense!" and proceeds t...

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A museum curator walks into an art studio...

...and asks the artists to create some art for the American history wing of the museum.

One artist pipes up

“I’m a great history buff, how would you like a piece about Custer’s last stand?”

The curator is pleased with the idea and agrees to pick up the painting in a few days. ...

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

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A professor takes his class to a museum

A professor take this class to a museum. He goes on to tell the class about many art sculptures and the meaning behind each and every detail. All of a sudden a janitor appears calls out the professor for being wrong about his whole lecture. Shocked the professor says,
“Well if you think you know ...

I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...

It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it sucked.

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Statue

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so...

A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London.

“This mummy here is over 5,000 years old,” the guide told the group. “It’s possible that Moses saw it.”



A tourist raises her hand and asks, “When was Moses ever in London?”

I went to a museum to feed the animals...

...but they were all stuffed.

Between my friends, museum is code word for Strip Clubs...

... because NO TOUCHING!!

I don't trust museums

They have too many skeletons in their closet.

Air and Space Museum

So a 5 year old boy is walking around in the air and space museum, but he doesn't seem to be having a good time. Naturally, his mom asks him what's bothering him, and he responds: "Mom, it's just too boeing."

I went to a museum and I asked if I could take a picture...

The guard was adamant that the pictures stay on the wall.

I took my son to the space museum last weekend.

They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.

The joke about the museum guide

Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"

Guide: "70,000,006 years."

Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?"

Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."


💀🎷💀🎷

[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/...

What's on display at the French War Museum?

Running shoes

What do you call 2 petri dishes enjoying themselves at an art museum?

Cultured

Anti-vaxers want to turn cemeteries into museums

Because they are cure-haters

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An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

What's the point of having Hellen Keller's house turned into a museum?

If she never saw it why should I?

An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away....

A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A man and his wife are in an art museum and come across....

A portrait of a beautiful woman covered only in leaves. Wife goes to move on to the next exhibit and husband is still there staring at the portrait she asks what are you waiting for?

Husband says... Fall

which rapper can you find at an art museum?

Xzibit

I tried to visit the contraceptive museum

But they wouldn't let me come inside.

Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

Two art theives were going about their business at an art museum.

One said to the other, "Grab the Monet and let's Gogh."

City council wanted to demolish the local clown museum.

They couldn't because it's a hysterical landmark.

A children's museum SOUNDS like a good idea...

...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases.

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

Why did the cheese go to the museum?

To get cultured

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