UPJOKE
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Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

This is my first dad joke post :)

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum?

Too many frames.

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? Th...

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

I visited the air and space museum today...

There was nothing to see there.

What do you call souvenirs from the wax museum?

Paraffinalia!

I went to the Museum of Miniature Wind Turbines last night.

Not a big fan.

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

What’s the most British thing in the British museum?

The name.

I went to a museum and saw a statue of Genghis Khan holding a spear.

I came back the following week and I saw the same statue, but the spear had gone.

I thought maybe someone had gotten hurt on it and the spear was taken down, but honestly I don't know.

It's just one of my wild Khan's-spear-I-see theories.

The British Museum has allegedly dismissed a member of staff over "stolen" items

Which is ironic..

art museum

as I was leaving the art museum, I got arrested for stealing a painting



I found it strange, because earlier when I asked the guide if I could take a picture, he said, " yes"

A museum tour guide told his visitor group that their T-Rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old.

When one of the visitors asked how they knew the skeleton's age so precisely, he replied that it was 65 million years old when he started working there 23 years ago.

I tried to tell a joke in the British Museum once...

but the sarcophagus gave me a death stare.

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while

I just went to the Air & Space museum.

Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were "Put your clothes on, we're in a museum" but I know what she meant.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

I went to my local art museum to see a Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit

There's something familiar about her art style but I can't put my finger in it...

What’s the difference between a Tottenham Hotspur trophy cabinet and a museum

A museum is actually filled with awards and memorabilia from the past

You can get a tour from the museum director, but...

LPT:
They're cheaper by the docent

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Why was a used tampon on display at the museum?

It was a period piece.

[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.

Why does milk turn into yogurt when you take it to a museum

Because it turns into cultured milk

What’s the difference between a black hole and a Mediterranean museum?

The museum has many Cretian dishes, but the hole only has one accretion disk.

A cat wandered into a museum last night and scratched up one of the impressionist paintings The Water Lilies.

It’s a clawed monet.

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

I met my wife while we working at the same museum

I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.

They put a model of young Darth Vader in the wax museum…

…actually it was Mannequin Skywalker.

My art was hanging in the metropolitan museum of art!

But then the security guard took down my post it note. :(

I just got fired from my job in Museum

They said they're not happy with my work here, which is ridiculous, i only worked here for 2 days and already sold 2 picassos.

A man walks into a museum.

While wandering, he trips and breaks a vase.
He panicks and picks the pieces up.
But the curator appears and almost has a heart attack.
"What have you done! that vase was 2000 years old." He shrieks.
"Oh thank God." The man sighs in relief. " I thought it was brand new."

When the curator of The British Museum was asked how they felt about exotic & foreign art exhibitions, he replied...

We could take them or leave them

The dinosaur at the museum

A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.

Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:

- Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?

- It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.

Amazed by his answer, he says:

- Wow!, How can you be so pr...

What is something that feels british but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

A new museum just opened in New York City, and it's filled with mediocre art.

It's called the "Aw, Frick" Collection

France's's National Cheese Museum just blew up

Over five hundred people were injured by de brie

Christopher Museum

I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits.

He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan,

and these boots are made for Walken

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

The alarm went off when he left the archaeological museum.

Leo, 89, now feels much older...

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the mus...

A man walked into a Star Wars museum

...carrying an old rusted bucket by his side and demanded to know who was in charge.

"What can I help you with today, sir?" asked the confused curator.

"This here is an authentic piece of European history and once belonged to the King of England 1000 years ago."

"But," stutte...

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I heard on the news that someone had robbed the Tokyo Origami Museum in Japan

The reporter said that the story is still unfolding.

The new director of the Natural History museum wanted to attract more people, so they started giving dinosaur vertebrae away to newcomers.

Everyone was taken aback.

The great thing about the Alzheimers museum is...

No matter how many times you go, it always seems new.

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

The joke about the museum guide

Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"

Guide: "70,000,006 years."

Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?"

Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."


💀🎷💀🎷

[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/...

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My boyfriend and I had sex in a paleolithic museum

Unfortunately, we're both positive for hepatitis BC, now.

I heard this joke at a new museum opening in DC, told by a five year old:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Donut

Donut who?

Donut ask me, it's a secret.

That kid has a bright future of dad jokes ahead of him

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There’s a painting in a museum

There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis. The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, howe...

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away wit...

Heard police caught a guy trying to steal all the head statues at the museum

Apparently he got busted

A man went to an art museum

And, as fate would have it, he happened to be in the Impressionist gallery when an earthquake struck. The walls began to shake, and, instinctively, he stuck out his limbs to try to secure himself. When the dust had settled, he found himself stepping on a painting of several dancers, which was precar...

A Vincent Van Gogh painting was stolen this weekend from a Dutch Museum.

Now it's Vincent Van Gone.

A dinosaur dies and wakes up millions of years later being put together in a museum

He was puzzled.

Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a waxwork of a medieval knight wielding his weapons.

"Tussauds?"

"Nah, he was holding a mace."

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

What song is played in museums?

U Can’t Touch This

This girl in my museum studies class said she likes touching old things.

I want to make this a good semester for her.

A guy one day goes to a museum that has a dinosaur exhibit.

He spends a few hours wandering around and admiring the skeletons of a variety of dinosaur species. At one point he stops in front of particular exhibit trying to get some sense of its actual size and age of this magnificent creature. He notices not too far from him a museum worker and says to him...

A blind girl walks into a museum and stops at the King Tut display.

She grabs her seeing eye dog and starts swinging him over her head in a circle.
A man tackles her and they both fall to the floor.
Why the hell did you do that? she exclaims...I was just having a look around.

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

What did the arts museum acquisitions director say to the cultural benefactor and collector of early Renaissance paintings?

S3ND NUD3S

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers and elephants.

We went to a lumbering museum recently...

The guide, a former lumberjack, described work with a pit saw as very dangerous. "If you don't believe me," he said, "go ask my half brother!"

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I went on a tour of the fellatio museum recently

My mind was blown by the experience.

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

The Scrabble museum was robbed last night.

the curators are at a loss for words.

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

A Tour Guide at a dinosaur museum is guiding around a group of people. Looking at a T-Rex he says

"This fossil is 23,000,011 years old." One of the members of the group asks out of curiosity, "Wow, how'd they find out such a specific number?" the guide replied "Well, it was 23,000,000 when I started 11 years ago."

*Source: Reader's Digest*

A western guy gets a job polishing statues in a natural history museum in India

Before he starts working, some locals warn him of the last man who did this job. "Ve should inform you that the insect exhibit is cursed and the poor man's kid vound up dead after he vas seen cleaning here."

The guy says to them, "sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense!" and proceeds t...

I went to a museum to feed the animals...

...but they were all stuffed.

A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London.

“This mummy here is over 5,000 years old,” the guide told the group. “It’s possible that Moses saw it.”



A tourist raises her hand and asks, “When was Moses ever in London?”

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A museum curator walks into an art studio...

...and asks the artists to create some art for the American history wing of the museum.

One artist pipes up

“I’m a great history buff, how would you like a piece about Custer’s last stand?”

The curator is pleased with the idea and agrees to pick up the painting in a few days. ...

Air and Space Museum

So a 5 year old boy is walking around in the air and space museum, but he doesn't seem to be having a good time. Naturally, his mom asks him what's bothering him, and he responds: "Mom, it's just too boeing."

I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...

It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it sucked.

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

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A professor takes his class to a museum

A professor take this class to a museum. He goes on to tell the class about many art sculptures and the meaning behind each and every detail. All of a sudden a janitor appears calls out the professor for being wrong about his whole lecture. Shocked the professor says,
“Well if you think you know ...

I took my son to the space museum last weekend.

They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.

What do you call 2 petri dishes enjoying themselves at an art museum?

Cultured

Between my friends, museum is code word for Strip Clubs...

... because NO TOUCHING!!

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An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

What's the point of having Hellen Keller's house turned into a museum?

If she never saw it why should I?

A children's museum SOUNDS like a good idea...

...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases.

An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away....

A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

which rapper can you find at an art museum?

Xzibit

What's on display at the French War Museum?

Running shoes

I tried to visit the contraceptive museum

But they wouldn't let me come inside.

I went to a museum of modern art the other day and saw a cone statue.

I really enjoyed it and would have liked to prolong my visit, but it was truncated.

City council wanted to demolish the local clown museum.

They couldn't because it's a hysterical landmark.

I went to a museum and I asked if I could take a picture...

The guard was adamant that the pictures stay on the wall.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

Two art theives were going about their business at an art museum.

One said to the other, "Grab the Monet and let's Gogh."

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