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What's the difference between a cub scout stuck in the woods and a vaginal blister?

One's not a happy camper, the other's not a jolly rancher.

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first Brownie.

What do you call a baby cub before it starts teething?

A gummy bear

What's the similarity between a Cubs fan and a daily commuter?

They both take the L.

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

What do cubs fans do after they win the world series?

They turn off their Xbox.

Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the cub scouts?

He was up to a pack a day...

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A Polar Bear Cub

Walks up to its mother

"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?"

"No dear"

"Am I part Black Bear?"

"No dear, your all Polar Bear"

"Grizzly? Panda?"

"No why?!"

"Because I'm fucking freezing!"

A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees.

He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?"

The animal replys
" well, I am a tiger"

The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure? You don't look like a tiger."

The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat...

Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series...

I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.

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A polar bear cub nervously approaches his mother...

The mother was feasting on a seal, and the young fellow finally had the nerve to interrupt her.

"Mom? Mom?"

"Yes dear?"

"Are...are you sure I'm a polar bear?"

The mother lifts her snout and says, "Goodness, of course you are."

"But...but how do you know? For sure?"...

I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series.

108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.

Two lion cubs were born. They were brothers.

Two lion cubs were born. They were brothers. While they will still very young, one lion was sent to a zoo in Australia and one was sent to a zoo in Italy.

Years later, the brothers meet again and discuss their lives.

The Australian brother says:

"These guys've been good to me, m...

No wonder hell finally froze over for the Cubs...

...because the devil left to be President

To the Chicago Cubs

Thanks, you've doomed us all.

They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win...

It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.

Why was the lion cub sent to jail?

It was a child predator.

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?

They're used to disappointment.

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

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A leopard cub gets in trouble at school

So this leopard cub, at cat school, gets in trouble for getting answers on another cat's papers during a test. The principal calls his mother and lets her know what happened and that he wasn't honest about it when they asked him if he did it or not.

So the leopard gets home and the mother ca...

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A mother polar bear and her cub are crossing the tundra...

"Mom," says the little cub, "Was daddy a polar bear?"

"Yes," says the mother, "Your father was a polar bear."

"Was he a hundred percent polar bear?" asked the cub.

"Yes, he was one hundred percent polar bear" the mother replied.

"And mom," says the cub, "Are you a polar b...

My trusty .22

People hate on a .22 all the time saying it's not enough power or not man enough. My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire .22 short. I've carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave home without it in my back pocket.

I remember one time while hik...

So the Chicago Cubs have a new mascot...

... and you can find Clark's bio [here]( While it talks about Clakr's "great-grandbear Joa" it doesn't mention any of his other family members, nor the real reason why he is the new mascot.

At a regular checkup, a zoo member noticed some b...

In love and war.

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too...

What does a mama bear on birth control have in common with the world series?

No cubs

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A Hunter goes Hunting

A hunter heads to the woods to hunt bears. After 2 long weeks, he did not see any. So when a cubs appear in is sight, he says "fuck it"


Cub drops dead.

"tap tap tap" somethings taps on his shoulder.

He turns around and see a big black bear. The bear says :


I was hiking once with my girlfriend

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they ...

A bear walks into a bar.

He sits down, and motions over the bartender.

Bartender says “hey, man, what’ll ya have?”

Bear says “I would like”

“Sure. But why the long pause?”

“I don’t know, I’ve had them since I was a cub.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, an elementary teacher in Chicago is on her first day at the job...

To get to know her students, she asks "Hey, which of you guys love the White Sox?" and everyone but one of her students exitedly raises their hands.

So she asks the single student why he doesn't love the White Sox. And the kid replies "Uh, I dunno... my mother was a cheerleader for the Cubs, ...

A Native American child asks his father how they choose children's names.

Father - "After you are born, we open the tepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. Like your eldest brother, Soaring Eagle, your sister, Falling Leaves, and your little brother, Grizzly Cub. Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?"


where Leiceister City defies the odds of 3000/1 to win the league title, Cubs win the world series, and Donald Trump is elected as the president of the United States

I'm still in a state of total shock

I mean the Cubs won the World Series

A lion offspring asked his dad "What is a world series?"

"I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub"

If The Jungle Book were written by George R.R. Martin...

Bagheera would have died saving Mowgli from the snake, Kaa. Mowgli would have fallen while fetching honey for Baloo and become paralyzed. Kaa would have been beheaded by a bitter rival from House Anaconda. Raksha, sending her cubs to seek refuge in the jungle, dies at the hands (paws) of Shere Khan....

What's blue and gold and comes in brownies?

Cub Scouts.

A hunter walks into the woods.

A Hunter walks into the woods. While on the hunt, he sees a mother bear and her cubs. he thinks to himself, "Let me see if I can kill them." So he puts his sights on her and the cubs, when suddenly, he gets a little tap on his shoulder.

It's the father bear. He says, in a deep low voice, "Dro...

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Little Johnny Joke

Little Johnny once got into a bus and sat right next to the bus driver. As the bus moved along he started to sing: "If my mom was a female elephant and my dad was an elephant then id be a baby elephant... If my dad was a tiger and my mom was a tigress then id be a tiger cub..." and so on. Soon the b...

An Icebear baby comes to his parents...

An Icebear cub comes to his parents.

"Momma bear, poppa bear, are you sure I am an Icebear?", he asks.

The mother replies: "Sure son, your father is an Icebear, your mother is an Icebear so you are an Icebear"

Next day the cub comes again "are you really sure I am an Icebear?", ...

Why are the bears such a bad football team?

Because when they were little, they were cubs.

I'm so sorry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."

2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

UNBELIEVABLE!!! Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol !

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us...