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Panda Jokes

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

What did a panda cook with?

A pan , duh!

Why do panda bears keep buying bamboo?

They just like the stock!

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

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A Panda Walks Into A Bar

A panda walks into a bar and looks around. the bartender greets him enthusiastically asking “what can I get you?”. The panda approaches the bar and orders a small meal. The meal arrives and the panda eats all of it. Once finished, the bartender asks him how the food was. to his surprise, the panda p...

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Panda Definition

A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a
sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating,
the waiter comes over to bring him the check.
When the waiter arrives at the table, he just
starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the
Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gu...

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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

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A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman.

She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.

After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman g...

What do you call a panda fetus?

The bear minimum

What do the ghosts of panda bears eat?

*bamboooooo*

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A panda walks into a restaurant…

A panda walks into a resteraunt. He walks up to the host and the host says “what do you thing this is?” The panda takes out a dictionary and reads “Restaurant, an establishment that serves food.” The host says “fair enough” and takes the panda to a table. The panda orders his food and eats it all an...

I stole all the panda bears' food.

They were bamboozled.

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and waits to be served.

The owner is confused by the presence of the panda, but decides to provide service just like he would any other customer. The panda orders a meal, eats the meal quietly, and then asks for the check.

As the owner prepares the bill, the panda suddenly pulls out a gun, fires a few rounds into t...

Kung Fu Panda's Script

In the first draft for Kung Fu Panda's script the country of origin was written as TH, instead of CHN. However, it was just a Thai Po.

To spell Panda, all you need is

P and A

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

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A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich

After he finishes eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. The bartender is surprised and asks the panda why he did that. The panda pulls out a dictionary and points to the entry on "panda", which reads: "Panda: a large black and white bear-like mammal native to China. Eats shoots an...

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How does a raccoon become a red panda?

By getting hit by a car

The punctuation panda

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual an...

What do you call pandas on April 1st?

Bamboo-zler!

The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare.

He said you're in luck, today's special is panda.

Why did the panda get drunk?

Because it had too much bamboos. (courtesy of my 10 year old).

What do ghost pandas eat?

Bambooo

What do you get when you cross a Leopoard with a Panda?

Fired from the zoo

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The Panda

A panda pulls up to the valet at a nice restaurant, drops his car off, and goes inside. The panda is seated at a table and orders. He calmly eats, pulls out an AK-47 and shoots everyone in the restaurant. He walks outside and gives the valet his ticket. The valet, scared to death, reaches out with a...

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a ...

So a panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders: I'd like one whiskey.......and a coke please

The bartender brings him his drinks and asks:" Here you go, but why the big pause?"

The panda looks down to his hands and says:" I was born with them"

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What's the difference between a panda and a fuckboy on a date?

One eats shoots and leaves. The other eats, shoots and leaves.

A panda bear walks into a resturant..

And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and ...

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So this panda is driving down a road,

And he sees a prostitute standing on the corner, he thinks ' cor im gonna have some of that' and he stops to pick her up. 'Fancy a good time hun?'
'well i would, but im a panda and i dont have a house'
'i know a place' so he lets her in and they drive off. They get back to hers and make their ...

What do you call a male panda?

Amanda!

*^((I know it's not saying much, but this is OC!))*

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I’m a panda

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a beer & a sandwich. As he finishes up his meal, he pulls a gun from his pelt & fires a round right through a Zima advertisement above the bar. He then heads for the door. The bartender shouts, “hey buddy, aren’t you going to pay your tab, & why’d you ...

A panda goes to a restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he takes out a gun and shoots 3 shots at the ceiling. He then exits the restaurant. A guy outside who saw the whole thing asks, “Hey! Why’d you do that?!”

The panda replies, “I’m a panda. Look me up in the dictionary.”

Panda: eats shoots and leaves

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A panda walks into a bar

Goes to the bar and orders some food, then sits down and eats. Once finished he stands up pulls out two pistols and shots the place up.
The barman having ducked behind the bar stands up and says
"Oi panda, what the hell are you doing?"
The panda stops at the door, turns around and says
...

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So a panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar and grabs a seat. The bartender walks over and asks him "What can I get ya?" The panda then orders a bear and a burger. Bartender goes back and soon enough arrives with the panda's burger and a beer. The panda eats all the food and then pulls out a gun and shoots the bartend...

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A panda walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him enthusiastically and says:

« Hey how’s it going? I’ve never had a panda in here before! What can I get you? »

The panda orders a small meal and waits at a table. After a few minutes, the bartender arrives and brings him his food.
The panda eats it and the b...

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A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant. He is shown to his seat and orders some food. When he is done eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. The chef runs out of the kitchen and asks the panda "what did you do!?!?" The panda responds, "I'm a panda, look it up" and walks away. the chef looks on h...

Why do pandas make awful boyfriends?

Because he only eats shoots and leaves.

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What do pandas say on Halloween?

Bam-BOO!

That's the entire joke but this subreddit won't let me post such a short joke, so I'll tell a little story like one of those irritating-as-fuck internet recipe intros that gives WTMI.
My four year old is fascinated by finding the perfect joke. He'll often pick up on jokes from tv ...

What does the ghost of a panda bear eat?

Bambooooo.

Today, I saw twin pandas.

That bears repeating.

What doea a panda call a jumpscare?

bamBOO

Code PANDA!

A rookie Secret Service agent is starting his first day at the White House.

"You picked a hell of a first day!" says his boss. "The President is moving out today, and we don't know how he's going to take it. If he starts munching down cheeseburgers, killing members of staff, and then walks ou...

A panda walked into the restaurant where I work as a server.

He came in, found a table and sat down. Hesitantly, I approached and took his order. He ordered sooo much food. He ordered at least one of every entree. I faithfully took notes and read them back to him. Satisfied, he sent me away to give the orders to the kitchen staff.
I took a detour to ask m...

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A panda walks into a bar,

and orders a burger. The bartender is intrigued by the panda but does not want to pester his customer with questions. Everyone in the bar is startled, however, when the panda finishes his meal, pulls out a gun and fires straight through the ceiling of the building. He then puts the gun away and inst...

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A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.

The panda bear asks, “What do you want?”
The bartender replies...

There was a panda

The panda liked to eat alone. So the panda walked into this restaurant and ordered something to eat. The waiter brings it to him and he eats it. When the waiter comes back the panda is finished and asks him if he’s ready to pay. The panda then brings out a gun and shoots the water. The panda then le...

A guy and his panda

A guy is driving his pick-up truck through a small town, and he's got a panda in the front seat with him.  The guy spots a police officer, pulls over, and tells the officer he found a panda just walking along the road.  Now the guy is wondering what to do with the panda.  The police officer says, "W...

Why are Pandas untrustworthy?

They bamboozle you.

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panda

So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.

Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'

So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some b...

Panda's Day Out

A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.

After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a pistol and shoots him. The waiter dies ...

Pandas

What does it sound like when Pandas make love?

Panda-moanium.

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A panda walks into a Chinese’s shop

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special

The waiter says “Wong tong soup”

The panda says “I’ll have 2”

The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out

The waiter comes running up and says “you can do ...

How do you confuse a panda?

You bamboo-zle it.

What do pandas drink?

Bambooze

We don't serve pandas in here...

A panda walked into a restaurant and ordered a meal. After the panda ate, he shot the waiter and left. They called the police and the cop said, “I guess the waiter hadn’t looked up the definition of a panda”. The restaurant owner looked up the definition and it said “panda, an animal that eats shoot...

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So a panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar one day and orders a sandwich. The server brings it over to him, and he eats it quietly. The panda then pulls out a gun, and shoots the server. The bartender stands up in shock and ask him just what the hell he thinks he's doing. The panda simply replies, "I'm a panda, dumba...

A man takes a panda skydiving.

On the day of the jump, he follows the bear out of the plane and down they plummet.

When it comes time, he reaches for his cord but can't find it. He starts panicking for his life.

The panda sees what's happening and produces two pieces of bamboo. After careful coaxing, it gets the man...

Sweet jeebus, this panda is hurt! Quick call the

bamboolance.

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A Panda Bear wins a free trip to NYC....

This Giant Panda boards his flight from China and after a long flight he arrives in New York. He decides to do some tourist stuff and go sightseeing. As he is walking down the crowded and busy streets of NYC, so many people are taking photos and selfies with him. The panda is feeling like a rocksta...

A panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a salad and drink. The food arrives, he eats it, pays for his meal and tips the barkeep. Then he pulls a pistol, fires a round into the air, and just walks out of the bar as though this were the most normal thing in the world.

A customer looks at the bar keep and says...

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The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and sits on the stool. the bartender thinks it's a bid odd, a panda walking into a bar, but he approaches it regardless. The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it, and points to a cheeseburger. The bartender is impressed, and decides to make the ch...

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him?

Shoots him 8 times in the black.

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food...

He eats his food, and then whips out a pistol and shoots the waitress in the head. As he exits the bar, the manager rushes up to him and says

“Hey, you can’t leave! You haven’t even payed the bill yet, and you also just shot one of my employees in the face. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”<...

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Panda Dinner Etiquette

A Panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal and eats it.

After politely paying for his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. He immediately walks out the door.

"Why did you do that?" hollered the confused waitress.

Looking back over his shoulder the panda...

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A giant panda walks into a restaurant...

He orders some food, which is promptly brought to him by the waiter. The panda finishes his meal, gets up from the table, and pulls out a gun. He shoots the waiter and without saying a word, exits the restaurant.
The waiter, still bleeding, runs after the panda. He catches up with the panda and ...

What happens when you let a panda eat some NH4+?

Pandamonium!

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A panda walks into a restaurant

The panda sits down and orders bamboo. The waiter, completely confused tells the panda that they don’t serve bamboo. The panda gets very angry and demands that they serve him bamboo. The waiter, again, tells the panda that they don’t serve bamboo. The panda points to a decorative bamboo plant near t...

Why is a panda the opposite of a redneck?

Because he’s a vegetarian and refuses to breed.

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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.


The robot slaps the son.


Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda


The robot slaps t...

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Panda Joke

A panda walks into a brothel and is looking for a girl to have sex with, he looks through all the people and eventually picks one. The panda and the woman go upstairs and do what brothels are meant for, but when they finish the panda runs away as fast as he can This happens several times until the o...

Pandas are to Bears what Vegans are to Humans

Adorably unfit to survive

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A panda walks into a bar...

Panda sits down and starts eating some peanuts out of a dish on the bar. A few minutes later, he pulls out an uzi and starts firing at all the customers. Panda gets up, and lumbers out of the bar.

A few days later, the same panda walks back into the same bar. He sits at the bar and starts hav...

What common enemy do the Hulk and Kung Fu Panda share?

>!stairs!<

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

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