The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

The pub was pretty wild last night,

Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.

Why should you never mess with a beaver in the wild?

Because it's none of your dam business.

In basketball, what is it called when you lose due to a wildly thrown buzzer-beater?

Defeat-us by yeetus

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Little known fact #376: In Norway they have problems with herds of wild horses destroying the delicate eco systems around their narrow inlets.

They plan to start exporting Fjord Mustangs.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

Why wasn't the wild pig invited to any parties?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

I named my wife's wild mouth after spider man

Peter Parker

I was once with a friend who saw a gecko in the wild and proceeded to take more than 300 pictures of it.

Sadly, the doctor later told him that he had a reptile dysfunction.

What do you get when you crossbreed a horse and a wild pig?

Your neighboar

It was the final of the national poetry competition

There were two finalists - one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West.

They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu.

Up steps the university student and he goes:
"On the lonely desert sands,
Crossed a lo...

Koalas have been dealing with the Chlamydia epidemic and now this wild fire...

at least they’re used to dealing with burning sensations.

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

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WWII was a wild ride

The Japanese were winning in the beginning but then lost Midway.

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A guy goes to the doctor to complain that his voice is too squeaky

... he says ^^"Doctor, ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^very ^^squeaky ^^voice ^^and ^^my ^^wife ^^can't ^^stand ^^it"

The doctor responds: "Drop your pants"

The guy drops his pants and reveals a massive schlong.

The doctor says, "Aha! There's your problem! Your dick is so big that is pulling o...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the ...

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

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Two Florida men are hunting wild boar in the woods...

They come across a boar with it's head stuck in the knothole of a tree. The first Florida man says, "Hey y'all, watch this" and walks over the boar, unzips his pants, and fucks the boar in the ass. When he's done he says "Okay, it's your turn, buddy."

The second Florida man says, "Okay, b...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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A man and a women are outside having sex...

Out of no where a bee flies into the women’s vagina. They both freak out and rush to the hospital.
The man says “Doctor, there’s a bee in my wife’s vagina! Get it out!”
The doctor thinks very quickly about how to deal with the situation. “Alright, I have idea but it might seem unorthodox. No...

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Three friends encounter a genie

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

Day in court

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A ...

I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...

Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.

Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, ne...

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

Money.

Little Timmy went into his grandparent's bedroom.

He found his grandpa and grandma half-naked, fooling around in bed.

He asked his grandpa what they are doing.

Grandpa said: "Your grandma is my wild card"

Little Timmy left the room confused, so he entered his parent's bedroom and found mommy and daddy half-naked, fooling around...

They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days.

Britches be crazy.

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Park Ranger

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there...

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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

My brain is like a jail in the wild West

Just one cell

Why do they name hurricanes after women?

Because when they arrive they are wet and wild but when they leave they take your house and car with them.

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild.

“Are you ready to hear some music??”
“YEAH!!!”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office...

...and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop.
"That desk is going for £2000," says the shopkeeper.
"£2000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah", says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have i...

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

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The average person has sex 54 times a year...

Tomorrow is gonna be wild!

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

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Ancient History

Their usual English teacher was sick, and a substitute wanted to engage the class personally. "Tell me
what you last name is and tell you the story behind it".

Jack Faulkner was first. "Your great-great grand father must have trained falcons for a nobleman, to use in hunting
wild animal...

I was brought up in the wild by a pack of hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce, but we had some great laughs.

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panda

So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.

Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'

So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some b...

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

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On Wild West, an outlaw tells to his buddy

\- Hey, Jack, you see that fellow on a cliff?

\- But there's two of them, - his buddy replies.

\- Well, one on a horse.

\- But they're both are riding, John.

\- One in a hat!

\- They're both in hats!

\- Well shit, - he pulls a pistol and shoots, - Well y...

A bouquet of flowers

A man walks past a flower shop one day and thinks how he never buys flowers for his wife. So he steps in and orders a nice bouquet of flowers.

He comes home, rings the doorbell. His wife opens the door. He hands her the bouquet and she goes wild with excitement! She pulls him in, closes the d...

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A young punker gets on a cross-town bus.

He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his ear-rings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, d...

How do you tame wild rice?

With a very small saddle.

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Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly.

Time for chores? Same thing.

Lunch time? Same thing.

Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing.

"Dammit, Boy!" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unl...

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Two friends are talking to eachother the day after getting really drunk

One says to the other "Last night was wild, how well did you sleep?"

He replies "like a baby"

"Really? That well?"

"Not well at all, I woke up to cry a few times and pissed myself"

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

My wife told me she wants something more wild for our anniversary

so i surprised her with a trip to the zoo!

...

it's 12:00AM now, i still don't know why she's in that outfit and upset

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[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in.

Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day?

Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I t...

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After a particularly wild staff Christmas party, a man wakes up with a wicked hangover...

He turns over and groans to his wife, "Oh, God! What the hell happened last night?"

"You got drunk, of course, and made a goddamn fool of yourself in front of your boss!" his wife informs him.

"Piss on that fuckin' guy," the man says.

"You did. And he fired you," his wife answe...

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A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

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Chinese medicine

The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem. His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him. He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine.

"So simple," the sage said. "Rule of nine. Make move ...

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UPS Man

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

Why did Han Solo refuse to eat the wild game?

It was Chewie.

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

What's a Wild redditor called

Predditor

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He's been playing. She's been played.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through th...

Donald duck walks into a bar...

Donald duck walks into a bar to escape the rain and orders a shot of wild Turkey. The bartender hands him his shot and Sparks up a conversation with the duck.
"Hi Mr duck how is your day going," asks the bartender?
"Oh I'm doing good bartender. I'm in and out of puddles all day and living the ...

Do you know how you beat shrines in Zelda: Breath of the Wild?

Trials and errors.

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A preacher in the Wild West, ...

... beloved by his congregation, was famous for never preaching about the same subject twice.

One day he says to his wife, "I've got an idea for my next sermon. I think I'll talk about horseback riding and how it helped America expand west of the Mississippi." His wife says, "If you do, I'm ...

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

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A Native American lad asked his dad how they got their names.

Well son, the morning after a child is born the father leaves the Teepee and the child is names after the first thing he sees. That is how your sisters Wild Flower and Running Deer got their names. And how your brothers Red Cloud and Soaring Eagle got their names. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking...

I was attacked by wild bunnies who bit me 8 times

Luckily the doctor who helped me only charged me for one byte

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A young man goes to confession

He says "Father, I have sinned."

The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?"

The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend"

Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally"

"But Father, that's not the worst of it. They...

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

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A Indian man walked into a grosery store in the wild west

wanting to buy toilet paper. The clerk told him they had one cheap brand with no name and a brand called luxury. The Indian man settled for the no name cheap one.
After two days he came back and told the clerk he had a name for the cheap toilet paper.
You can call it John Wayne. The clerk sai...

I came up with this joke about wild pigs but...

It boars everyone I tell so I’m keeping to myself...

Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore...

She really keeps me grounded.

bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and h...

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a reall...

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

You too can help prevent wild fires.

Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

There was a king he had 10 wild dogs.

He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

So one of the minister’s once gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

So the minister said,
"I served you 10 years and you do t...

When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

What do you call it when you make asian food in the jungle?

Taking a Wok on the wild side.

There’s a road train in the outback and it hits a wild boar

The driver, seeing a lot of meat on it, puts it in one of the compartments to sell at one of the stops. He sells it to the landlord at a hotel he’s staying at. The next he walks down to the dining room and asks for breakfast. The landlord says
“We’ve got roast pork, barbecued pork, pork sausages,...

How many ears does Davy Crockett have?

Three. His right ear and left ear and his wild front-ear.

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[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

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TIL: Daniel Boone wore coon hats because he was born with an ear-shaped growth on his forehead

And that’s why people talk about the Wild Front Ear

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police offic...

You find a large grouping of furries in the wild. What're they called?

A convention.

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When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".

Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartend...

Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.

monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey

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