This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

What happened when Thanos had a wild night at a local bar on Titan

He got infinity-stoned

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A preacher in the Wild West, ...

... beloved by his congregation, was famous for never preaching about the same subject twice.

One day he says to his wife, "I've got an idea for my next sermon. I think I'll talk about horseback riding and how it helped America expand west of the Mississippi." His wife says, "If you do, I'm ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

Do you know how you beat shrines in Zelda: Breath of the Wild?

Trials and errors.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Indian man walked into a grosery store in the wild west

wanting to buy toilet paper. The clerk told him they had one cheap brand with no name and a brand called luxury. The Indian man settled for the no name cheap one.
After two days he came back and told the clerk he had a name for the cheap toilet paper.
You can call it John Wayne. The clerk sai...

You too can help prevent wild fires.

Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

I think that a lot of conflict in the wild west could of been avoided...

If the cowboy architects just made their towns big enough for everyone.

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gay Couple on a Plane

A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Jeremiah stands up and ask...

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild?

A $100 bill

A fat guy, a drunk and a US Marine are lost in the wilds of the jungle

They are captured by natives who tell the men of their plans to kill them, skin them and use their flesh to make canoes. The Cheif of the tribe explains they will first be grated a single gesture or item out of compassion.

The fat guy says that he has been lost in the jungle for weeks and has...

I was attacked by wild bunnies who bit me 8 times

Luckily the doctor who helped me only charged me for one byte

I came up with this joke about wild pigs but...

It boars everyone I tell so I’m keeping to myself...

I finally realise why it's called a wild goose chase

You're taking a gander somewhere you shouldn't.

There’s a road train in the outback and it hits a wild boar

The driver, seeing a lot of meat on it, puts it in one of the compartments to sell at one of the stops. He sells it to the landlord at a hotel he’s staying at. The next he walks down to the dining room and asks for breakfast. The landlord says
“We’ve got roast pork, barbecued pork, pork sausages,...

Two elephants in the wild come across a naked man.

After a bit of thinking one elephant turns to the other and says "How the hell is he supposed to eat with THAT?!"

Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore...

She really keeps me grounded.

You find a large grouping of furries in the wild. What're they called?

A convention.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".

Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartend...

Why did the wild Australian dog have no answer when he was asked if the party was good?

Because he dingo.

Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.

monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey

Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong

They're much better roasted.

Now that the Wild Boars are all safe...

...Thailand maintains its reputation of happy endings.

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

There was a king he had 10 wild dogs.

He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

So one of the minister’s once gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

So the minister said,
"I served you 10 years and you do t...

Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. B...

High Noon!

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police offic...

Wild Boar Crossing

I was driving down the highway when I spotted a sign that said "Wild Boar Crossing, $500 fine". Shortly after, wouldn't you know, a little boar ran right out into my lane. I swerved but couldn't react in time and hit the poor guy with my car. I stopped to look around and get my bearings. Lucky f...

I'm like a wild animal in bed.

More afraid of you than you are of me.

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild...

What do you call a group of platypus in the Wild West?

A plata-posse

The 90s must have sucked for Wild Cards fans

From 1995 to 2002 George R. R. Martin was busy publishing another series and no new Wild Cards books were released. I can't imagine being in that situation, waiting years and years for the next book in a series by GRRM that I've come to love.

All wild animals should be arrested.

They're all naked and won't stop urinating in public.

Derek, David, and Danny went out for a wild night on the town.

When they got back to the hotel, they found out that the elevator was out of service and that they were going to have to walk up 150 flights of stairs to reach their penthouse suite.

To pass the time, they decided Derek would tell jokes for the first 50 flights, David would tell happy storie...

What do you call a pack of wild dogs that enjoy listening to Mozart?

a Wolfgang

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

I'm watching the horrific pictures of the US Wild Fires in Bel-Air.

They believe it was started by an Arsonist.

They are dusting for fresh prints.
.
.
.
.
Too soon???????

I bet the way a young lady earns a "Girls Gone Wild" shirt is very similar to

the way a young man earns a Penn State sweatshirt.

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mayans sacrificed a man raised by wild dogs.

It's ok, he's a heartless son of a bitch.

How to drive your wife wild in the bedroom.

Leave all of the dresser drawers slightly ajar with a little piece of clothing sticking out.

My wife and I think about wild cats all the time.

But I don't think they think about ocelot.

How long could a Kardashian survive in the wild?

Forever. Plastic is not biodegradable.

Two blondes are sitting on a couch and are watching a movie about the wild-west....

.... The first blonde says: "I bet you 50 bucks that the cowboy is not going to walk into the trap." The second blonde agrees.
After a few seconds the cowboy walks into the trap and dies. The second blonde says: "You can keep your money, I already watched the movie and know that he was going to ...

A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon

He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

LPT: Remember, besides blueberries, anything blue in the wild is poisonous and not fit for consumption....

The same rule applies to video game cartridges.

There are three species of hyena in the wild

But every time one is seen they become a spotted hyena

Throwback to elementary school:

Three people were on a game show where there were 100 stairs. On each stair, they were told a joke. If they could get through all of the stairs without laughing, they would win a million dollars.

The three contestants were a Brilliant scientist, a successful lawyer, and an ordinary person who...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Holmes and Watson are out on a camping trip

Finally away from work, Dr Watson and Sherlock Holmes decide to spend there time off the great outsiders They set up their camp, get a fire roaring, put up their tent and get ready for the evening in the wild. After a nice meal, the two detectives decide it’s time to head on to bed. They both crawl ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is a ghost's favorite type of porn?

Boo-kkake

Alternative punchline: Ghouls Gone Wild

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you catch a wild bra?

Set a booby trap.

There’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight. …

The parents aren’t home.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a fairly wild life, Dave dies and goes to hell....

... He arrives into a huge room full of people eating lovely steaks. He looks very surprised and another resident looks at him and asks "Do you like eating steak?"
"I sure do" says Dave.
'Oh man - you are going to love Mondays - every Monday is steak night here'
"Wow" Says Dave.
'Do ...

On a cruise ship

A man is standing on deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is ye...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A king enrolled his donkey in a race...

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won.

Local papers read:
'KING's ASS WON'

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The king fainted....
Queen sold the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The party

Dan, a city man, decides to move to a small cabin in the mountains.

After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.

He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help...

"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" [long]

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men have been captured by a wild tribe

Three men: a richman, a gay and a jew, have been captured by a wild tribe.

The headman of the tribe said: "We will let out those of you who will either eat 10 kg of salt, let us fuck his ass or pay us $1m. Otherwise we're going to eat you."

The richman said" "Fuck that shit, take my ...

One day, in the Wild West, a rapist and con artist get caught.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

A two ropes walk into a bar...

*twist on old joke*

As they order bartender shakes his head, "Can't you read?" as he gestures to a sign that says ,"We don't like dopes and don't serve Ropes!"

The rope is floored, but his mother warned him that some people didnt like ropes. So he and his buddy left.

Outside his...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lost in the -wild- NSFW

Man and the woman were getting down to business.. he slides the fingers, eventually then the hand, the arm and next thing you know he is all the way inside!

He is wandering around marvelling at this turn of events and finds himself lost when he spies another man looking very bedraggled and wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Favorite Wild West Joke

A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and ...

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and it turns ou there aren't enough rooms, so they have no choice but to share a bed...

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

An elderly couple are about to have breakfast.

She looks out of the window and says: "Oh what a beautiful summer morning! The sun is shining, the birds are singing! Don't you find it beautiful, Herbert?"




"Yes, darling, beautiful."




"Do you remember the wild 70s, when we used to get naked and sit in the su...

How come Hurricanes are usually named after women?

At first they are wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house, your car, and sometimes your kids

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

At a college graduation party the valedictorian is giving a speech

The valedictorian: I want to thank everyone that has supported me during my journey. It has been a wild roller coaster and no matter how hard it got I never lost my

Father of the valedictorian *yells*: Virginity.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs...

One says to the other "should we stop and outnumber them?"

...

 


"keep running you fool we're brothers!!"

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they spe...