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Had my yearly physical exam today.

I was a bit nervous when I found out it was a female Dr. She told me to remove my clothes and get up on the table.

She started at my head, worked her way down my neck to my arm and then said, "I can tell you this much sir, you'll have to stop masturbating."

I asked, "Why?"

"Bec...

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I went to my yearly check up at the hospital...

My doctor asked me, "Did you ever smoke before?"

"Only after sex."

"But it says here that you're a virgin."

I replied, "Exactly."

A man goes to a doctor for his yearly routine physical.

The nurse starts with the basic health questions.



“How much do you weigh?” she asks.



“Oh, about 165 pounds,” he says.



The nurse puts him on the scale and his actual weight is 187.



The nurse then asks, “And how tall are you?”



...

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A woman talks to her husband about her yearly physical

The wife told him, "The doctor said that for a forty-year old I have a twenty-year old's breasts!"

The husband replies, "what about your forty-year old ass?"

The wife answers his question by saying, "I don't think you came up at all in our conversation."

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.



“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were ...

The mental hospital is having the yearly inspection.

The general manager walks with the inspector on the courtyard while telling him about how the new garden creates a quiet and safe space for the patients.
On the distance they see an disheveled old man dragging a toothbrush over the grass, tied with a piece of dental floss.
"What's ailing t...

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So I went in for my yearly physical...

The nurse went through the regular motions. Then it came time for me to drop my pants and turn my head and cough. While she's examining me, she exclaims "You really should quit masturbating". I asked her why, and if something was wrong, and she responded "Yes, I'm trying to give you an exam!"

yearly repost : ducks walks in to a bar

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No mate, this is a bar

Duck: Got any bread ?

Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.

Duck: Got any nails?
<...

I have this yearly fundraising going on...

So, I have this yearly fundraising going on. Every year in november I take 70€ and donate them to a poor game developer. As a little thank you, they give me a shooter game, every year. But throughout the last years, these games became worse and worse. Many of my friends could not understand, why I w...

It was that time again for John's yearly prostate exam.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test at the local hospital, he decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand, where there are beautiful nurses who are more gentle and accommodating.

As usual, he was asked to strip off and lie naked on h...

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical...

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room.

He tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT? What di...

I wish I could see the greenhouse emissions Reddit releases yearly

All the recycling over here at r/jokes must be helpful!

Just got my free yearly car wash

Thanks California!

An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup.

His doctor says, "You're looking good, how do you feel?"

The old man says, "I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"

The doctor says, "That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never ...

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

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At a Sunday family lunch, a daughter, good student aged 20, announces that she is pregnant.

Father drops the fork and knife in shock. Mother looks at her in total disbelief. None of them are able to say a word for couple of seconds, before yelling starts... What was she thinking about? Of course she does not plan to keep it? They invested so much in her education, how could she do this? Wh...

A lawyer and a United Way officer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penn...

The origin of the angel on top of the tree

It must've been the coldest winter ever, with the worst snow storm this world has ever seen brewing in the North Pole on the Eve of Christmas. Santa was bedridden with a nasty stomach bug, and his workshop was short-staffed as many of the elves had contracted ~~herpes from sodomizing each other~~ th...

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When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

A Man is in an Awful Car Accident [Long]

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.



Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it.


...

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A rich billionaire and a poor man meet for Christmas

As their yearly tradition goes, they meet and tell each other what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich man goes first.

" I got my wife a Mercedes-Benz and a ring made from the world's rarest diamonds for my wife for Christmas."

"Why so?" asks the poor man

"Well, I boug...

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A teacher reminds her class for tomorrow's exam

A teacher reminds her class of the yearly test tomorrow.

"And remember class, there is no excuse for missing the test tomorrow, not a hurricane, not a funeral, not a nuclear attack, nothing!"

Little Johnny in the corner then pipes up and says

"What would happen if I came into c...

Visit to the doctor

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. 
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill you...

A German, an American and a Macedonian are on a plane...

A German, an American and a Macedonian are on a plane and all of a sudden, Satan comes and starts sawing a wing off.

Without a doubt, the three men start panicking.

Then, the American pulls out his suitcase, opens it and says "Dear Satan, I offer you $500,000 to stop sawing the wing!"<...

Pun contest

In my town, we have a yearly pun contest. The winner gets the title of Punniest Person Period (kind of lame, but there is a cash prize equal to half of the price of all the entries as well). Being broke, I decided to enter.

I sat up all night trying to think of the best puns that I could come...

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The Silent Debate

Note: This is a joke best told in person by somebody who's not afraid to go all out with gesticulations and accents.

The silent debate was a yearly event that was the Super Bowl of the intellectual world. It was watched live by tens of thousands, and broadcast on countless major networks. Fo...

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Doctor's Office

A man is called into the doctor's office for his yearly checkup. When he enters the office, the doctor tells the man that he needs to stop masturbating.

The man is taken aback. Angrily, he asks the doctor why.

The doctor says "So I can examine you."

The Orphan

A boy was living happily with his brother, mother, father, and dog. His father worked in a factory. The pay was ok, but the work was hard. One day, a man knocked at the door of the family. The man sat them down and informed them that the father had been caught in some machinery and had died. Th...

A man walks into the doctor

A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.

"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."

The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."

The doctor retort...

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A Man Goes to the Doctor . . .

A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup, and the doctor says to him, "Well, I've got some bad news for you. It seems that you've been masturbating too much. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man, shocked to find this out, responds "Wait, what do you mean!? Sto...

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A woman joins a silent order of Nuns...

Where she is only aloud to say one sentence a year. So a year after she joins she goes into the room with the head nun, who says 'Tell me your 1 yearly sentence'
The woman says 'Bland food' and exits the room.
The next year she goes in and says 'Damp beds' and exits the room.
The next yea...

Medical checkup

An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.

The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:

"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"

The man thinks for a moment, then replies:

"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

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So he whipped it out there and then in the office. An older man, but not without his charms....

HUGE it was, biggest I'd ever seen. Asked me where I wanted it, I say I'll take it in the bum, that's how I'm used to it. He sticks it in, does the business. Over before you know it.

Not as bad as I expected, I guess I am used to that sort of thing after all these years but it bled a bit afte...

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