Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium?

Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

What’s the difference between wrapping paper with tape, and what’s wrapped inside it?

One is some present supplies and the other is a pleasant surprise.

I just learned that an octopus’s brain is wrapped around it’s oesophagus.

That’s food for thought.

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box

it's a gift.

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

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I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

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I’m a nurse at a local hospital, and I’ve had the sickening realisation I’ve wrapped more bodies than presents this year...

but hey, a fuck is a fuck, right?

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An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

Bob was in trouble

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and...

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A man walks into his therapists office naked, save for being completely wrapped up in cling film.

The therapist looked up at him, and said:

"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Man goes to the doctor wrapped in Syran Wrap, and asks what's wrong with him?

The doctor says "You're obviously crazy"

"How can you tell?"

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

What do you call gift-wrapped pee?

Urine, for a surprise

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

For Christmas I got my sister a dog.

In hindsight, I should poked some holes in the box.
.
.
.
Then again, I shouldn’t have wrapped it a week early.

A Mexican man was found dead at the bottom of a lake.

He was tied up, had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.

When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, “It is truly the worst damn case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

Back in 2006, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully...

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

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A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.

They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat sc...

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The worst part about getting caught jerking off at work is having to explain the belt wrapped around your neck to the new intern.

Was too high on nitrous and forgot to lock my office door...

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dol...

What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

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Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

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A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor

“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When she went to investigate, I saw the ball in the cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”

“And...

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A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we...

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

A woman leaves her shower

She is wrapped up in her towel and as she walks past her husband who is going into the shower they hear a knock at the door.

"You go get that" her husband says and hops into the shower.

Sighing the woman went to the door still wrapped in her towel. She opens the door expecting the mai...

A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

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The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...

He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.

The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".

The man in Cling wrap turns aroun...

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The subway guy wrapped my sandwich the same way I wrap up my penis before sex.

He didn't.

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What do you call a penis wrapped around a potato?

A dictator.

A New tomb has been unearthed in Eqypt

Archeologists found a mummy wrapped in gold foil and knew they had found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

Ghetto camping terror.....

The year was 2009. My son, one of his friends, and I were ghetto camping.

That's when you pitch a tent in your backyard. Or in my case the neighbors yard.

Telling some really horrible ghost stories, when out of no where, an animal started rustling around by the garbage cans.

M...

I saw man and woman wrapped up in a bar code....

...I said "Are you an item?"

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