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Wrapped Jokes

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box

it's a gift.

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

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What do call a dick wrapped in Silk?

A Cockoon!

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

Wrapped

For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles. Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. Mike walks through the ki...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we...

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dol...

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Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

What do you call a snowman wrapped in blankets?

A brrrrrrito

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Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

What’s the difference between wrapping paper with tape, and what’s wrapped inside it?

One is some present supplies and the other is a pleasant surprise.

Villain : Why is my calendar wrapped in aluminium?

Superhero : I’ve foiled your plan.

A man wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap is taken to a psychologist for an evaluation

He walks into the office and the first thing the psychologist says is, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

Man goes to the doctor wrapped in Syran Wrap, and asks what's wrong with him?

The doctor says "You're obviously crazy"

"How can you tell?"

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

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A man wakes up in hospital covered in bruises with a golf club wrapped round his neck.

The nurse asks him what happened. 'well, I was teaching my wife to play golf when her ball flew into a field of cows, we went looking for it, and I found it wedged perfectly between a cows arse cheeks. I pointed at it and said hey, this one looks like yours!!!'.

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

I just learned that an octopus’s brain is wrapped around it’s oesophagus.

That’s food for thought.

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

What's wrapped in foil and swings on a bellrope?

The Lunchpack of Notre Dame.

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The subway guy wrapped my sandwich the same way I wrap up my penis before sex.

He didn't.

Tonight after the kids went to bed, the wife and I had some wine, wrapped some presents, and things were getting hot

... until Santa came early.

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed

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I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove ...

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What do you call a penis wrapped around a potato?

A dictator.

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Wanna see an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Yeah? Ok, let me see your driver's license.



(My buddy's grandpa told me this back in high school the first time I met him.)

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

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A man, wrapped from the neck down in saran wrap, walks into his therapist’s office.

Man: Doc, you’ve known me for years. Do you think I’ve gone crazy.

Therapist: Well I can clearly see you’re nuts.

What do you call garbage wrapped in small trash bags?

...dumplings

I saw man and woman wrapped up in a bar code....

...I said "Are you an item?"

What do you call bacon wrapped frog legs?

The Muppets

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

Van Gogh hands a wrapped up box to his girlfriend.

"Vincent, please tell me this isn't another ear."

"What?"

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

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I’m a nurse at a local hospital, and I’ve had the sickening realisation I’ve wrapped more bodies than presents this year...

but hey, a fuck is a fuck, right?

Did anyone lose a roll of twenties wrapped in a rubberband?

I found the rubberband!

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I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

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The worst part about getting caught jerking off at work is having to explain the belt wrapped around your neck to the new intern.

Was too high on nitrous and forgot to lock my office door...

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