Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

My wife said she would leave me if i suggested getting her tubes tied again...

But i think she's just ovaryacting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My chemist wife sometimes uses a test tube as a dildo

She likes it but I think its fucking vial

What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

a graduated cylinder

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
...

I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

A kid asks his dad how much toothpaste is in a tube. He says "i don't know..."

Kid: "it's almost from the bathroom to the kitchen!"

I confused a tube of super glue with a tube of lube

It was horrible. My model airplane kept slipping apart.

What is the difference between baseball players and London Tube drivers?

Baseball players are out after three strikes.

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.

She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a balle...

2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates th...

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?

A room with a view

40 years ago today, Louise Brown became the first test tube baby...

She had a womb with a view.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, A man walks into bar with a cat in a pringles tube and an emu...

The bartender asks where he got an emu.

"I was down in india, doing a bit of vacationing, when I found an oil lamp lying by the side of the road. Naturally, I rubbed it, and a genie popped out! That's how I got these here animals."

"You wished for a cat and an emu?" the bartender a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the worst thing about being a test tube baby?

... knowing your dad's a wanker

I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

NSFW: Sperm 1: God I'm getting tired! How long 'til we reach the fallopian tubes?

Sperm 2: Still a long way to go..........We've only passed the tonsils.

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a tube of glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?

Mother: No honey?

5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch

Hey girl, are you a tube of Pringles?

Because my whole fist is stuck inside of you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"What do you call an educated tube?" and other science jokes!

Q: What DO you call an educated tube?

A:A graduated cylinder

Q:Why did the bear dissolve in water?

A:It was polar

Q: How did the English major define microtome?
A: A small book...

Q: Why can`t you trust atoms?

A: They make up everything!

Q: Why did...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two idiots, Timmy and Tommy, are in a bar discussing how to make babies.

"My wife and me been trying to have a baby, but no luck yet." Says Timmy. "But we're trying everday."

"It doesn't work if you put it in her butt. Sure you doing the sex right?" Tommy asks.

"Yeah, I know how to make sex, I'm not a moron. Ya stick your man stick in her lady hole until y...

What's the difference between a funny Dutch man and a tube?

one is a hollow cylinder while the other is a silly hollander.

I started reading YouTube comments recently

Because cutting myself just wasn't doing the trick anymore.

Why are test tube manufacturers always single?

People just seem to find them vial!

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

Slipped on a tube of toothpaste this morning.

I was crestfallen.

What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman?

One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.


Source (Cause I can't claim fame for Victorian era jokes): http://www.historytoday.com/blog/2011/10/victorian-jokes-best-19th-century-humour

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The thing I love most about this summer weather is the short shorts and tube tops..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

I left a tube of superglue in my pocket when I did laundry yesterday...

...it was a viscous cycle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone...

...making it a weapon of mass reduction.

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

What do you call a London subway train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

If apple made a car

Would it have windows?

I found this on YouTube In comments. Thought it was funny.

Crisis averted?

Over the weekend I was sat next to a person eating a bowlful of those really fat pasta tubes in a tomato sauce. As I watched, one got nearer to the edge of the bowl but I couldn't mention it because the person was deep in conversation. I agonised for a few seconds wondering how I could stop a me...

So there was this alien who came down to earth

An alien came down to earth and wanted to know how to act. He first stopped by a recording studio, where he heard someone singing “me me ME me me me...”
The alien then repeated, sing slightly off-key “me me ME me me me...”
The next place he went to was a fast food place, where he heard the cas...

An accountant is having a bad day

Everything is going wrong, his marriage is going down the tubes, he is about to lose his job, he steps out and looks down
Guy on the street calls the cops and says "Come quick! There's an accountant on the ledger!"

What is the punchline to this joke my daughter's Fozzie Bear toy says?

My daughter has a muppet babies Fozzie Bear talking toy.

He says numerous phrases including singing the muppet babies theme song and who could forget his memorable catch phrase "wakka wakka"

But then, being the jokester he is, says this:

"Did you ever hear the one about the ba...

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, there's this guy, laying in a hospital bed...

No legs, no arms, tube fed, ugly as hell, skin with red and black spots, bad breath, broken teeth and a ridiculous small dick.

Suddenly a gorgeous nurse passes by and he shouts:

HEY NURSE! I LIKE YOUR TITS, BLOW ME!!

A priest, near him said:

*My son, you shouldn't say tho...

What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings?

A complex complex complex

Credit to some guy named Slow Poke on YouTube

Dance like no one's watching!

Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.

A 14 y/o girl decides to try drugs.

So she created a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. She didn't have any cool friends with real drugs so she tried to smoke oregano, but found it hurt her throat. Next she tried black pepper in the bong but it made her sneeze. She experimented with ground Ginger but the smoke made her eyes...

Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat

Quack quack, I'm a duck

First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

TIFU They say you should NEVER meet your heroes and after today I believe it is true.

So I have seen the YouTube videos of celebrities meeting their fans and some stand outs are Taylor Swift meeting young fans and the emotions of these kids see them crying uncontrollably. I always wanted to meet Sting from the Police or Bono from U2 or Ed Sheeran, I mean how cool would it be. Well to...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

The Breathalyzer Test

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'...

If you ever feel like you’ve failed, a lot of people dislike you, and your out of touch with the people who rely on you, just remember one thing:

YouTube Rewind 2018

[OC] A Man's House is on Fire

A Man's house is on fire. He is standing on the front lawn when a firefighter arrives. The man tells the firefighter "My wife and baby are in there!"

The firefighter asks: "If I can't save both, which should I bring back?!"

Man quickly responds "My wife. We can always have more babies"...

Why did the London sperm bank close down?

Because people kept missing the tube.

The Pepper Farm

A man was driving through the countryside when he happened upon a sprawling farm, covered as far as the eye could see in brightly colored variants of peppers. Astounded at the vastness and variety, the man turned up the driveway and made his way to the pepper stand where stood an older woman, presum...

A man visits his Chinese friend in a hospital.

"Li kai yang qi guan," says the Chinese friend. The man doesn't understand a single word and becomes desperate about what to say next. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as his face becomes red. After a few weeks, the man goes on a business tour of China. There he learns the meaning of "Li kai...

Anatomically correct

So, these two sperm are swimming along, side by side, when one of the sperm turns to the other and says:

“damn, how much farther is it to the Fallopian tubes, I am getting tired!”

The second sperm replies:

“Oh, we have a long ways to go yet, those were her tonsils that we just ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My best friend invited me to join a threesome

I've never been one for Male, Male, female threesomes because it's basically gay sex with a witness. However, my best friend who has been my best friend all my life, told me he had this smokin' hot chick coming over who wanted another guy. Being my best friend I felt like I couldn't say no. I show ...

Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise

Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.

He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wif...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Father Was An Inventor

When I was a kid he would invent the most amazing things, and I was fascinated with every thing he invented. He would start a new project at the beginning of every month, and it would always be done at the end of the month, and I would always be the first to see his new invention.

One year th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer takes his donkey to a vet

A farmer takes his donkey to a vet, as the donkey hasn't been keeping well. The vet gives some pills to the farmer and tells him.

"Take a hollow tube. Put two pills in the tube and blow the pills into the donkey's throat".

Next day, the farmer returns to the vet, all itchy and red blo...

I found this joke pretty funny:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, it’s up to the bulb to decide whether it wants to change or not.

(This joke was found via a YouTube comment section.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man buys a motorcycle

The salesman hands over a tube of vaseline. "If it starts raining, coat your seat with it. It will protect the leather from water damage."

The man decides to take his new motorcycle down some country roads in the middle of nowhere. Several hours from the nearest big city, his new ride breaks ...

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the navy

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, loo...

A man gets pulled over by a cop

The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.

"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."

"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."

"Alright, then just come down to ...

A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to...

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
That ther...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets a call from a doctor...

...who informs him that he needs to get to the hospital ASAP as his wife has been involved in a very serious traffic collision. The man gets to the hospital and is met at the doors by the Doctor. "Don't tell me she's dead, doc", says the man, "I don't think I could live without my wife, I can't thin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is desperately looking for a husband, but she happens to stumble upon a stores that sells men.

The woman can't believe her luck, and runs inside. On the first floor, there is a sign that reads:

"Welcome to the Husband Store! There are 9 floors in all, but be warned: once you go past a floor, you're not allowed to go back down. You either make a purchase, or leave empty handed."

...

A duck walks into a store

A duck walks into a store, picks up a tube of Chapstick and places it on the counter. The clerk asks him, "Will that be cash or credit?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Cross eyed Cow

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow’s butt, and blew into the tube until the cow’s eyes str...

Bob went to see his friend, Hank, who was dying in the hospital.

As Bob stood by the bed, Hank’s condition grew worse. He frantically reached toward his friend and gestured for something to write with and something to write on.

Bob hurriedly gave his friend a pen and paper and watched as Hank used the last ounce of his strength to scribble down his final,...

2 sperms are swimming side by side

sperm 1: do you know how much longer 'til the fallopian tube?

sperm 2: fallopian tube? we aren't even past the esophagus yet!

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

last letter

A very ill man was in the hospital, in critical condition.

the doctor brought in the priest. the priest administered the last rites and... the man woke up! He pointed to a piece of paper and a pen on the stand next to his bed, so the priest gave it to him.

he wrote down a message and h...

The shooter at YouTube...

Was removed because her content violated YouTube's terms of service.

Sorry about that

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

I buy chapstick..

in order to make the tube of chapstick I lost appear in my pocket when stuffing the receipt for it in there while walking out of the store.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

My Chinese friend got really sick one day!!

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day.
He just kept whispering “yang qi guan” over and over and then died.
I was very sad and Googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube...

This woman, who has never shaved her armpits, is sitting in a bar...

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so, as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every twenty minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.

This goes on all night. The ot...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump, Logan Paul and Hitler are having a discussion.

Hitler: “Which one of us do you guys think is the most hated?”

Logan: “I’ve ruined vine and YouTube and made an ass out of not only myself but my fans as well!”

Trump: “I’ve trolled an entire nation to get to this place and now only half of America loves me!”

Hitler: “Alright wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a big Labrador Retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Walmart for him, a woman behind me in the checkout line asked if it was for a dog. (duh)
On impulse, I told her no. I explained that I was starting the Purina diet again, although I probably shouldn't be...

A police officer pulls a man over who was driving erratically.

The officer walks up to the man's window and asks him.

"Sir, you are all over the road! I need you to blow into this breathalyzer to determine if you have been drinking."

The driver of the car shakes his head vehemently and says to the officer.

"Oh, I can't do that, officer! I...

A woman goes to a pet shop...

To buy a pet to make up for her husband ignoring her for sports. Shopkeep suggests a parrot named Crunchy.

She asked "Why Crunchy?"

He says because Crunchy has a special ability. He puts Crunchy in his cage on the counter and opens the cage and says "Crunchy, the cage".

I'm seco...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

[Long] A scientist is giving keynote speech about dissolvable food for babies

"Imagine if we lived in a world where you no longer had to worry about your children eating and getting food stuck in their airways...'

Gasps of amazement come from the crowd

"Imagine if they could still enjoy all of their favourite foods without any danger and don't need to be constan...

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One after a few YouTube tutorials

Woops sorry about that

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight,...

Where is my wife

A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She h...