UPJOKE
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I had an operation on my penis the other day, they shoved a tube down my shaft.

It was very eye opening.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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My first YouTube video!

I'm starting a YouTube channel! My first video will be a poor edit of my weird opinions on Japanese mushrooms supposedly giving you diarrhea.

"Shit takes of shit takes on Shiitake shit aches"

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

Religious

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes

The first was filled with beer, the second with wine, the third with whiskey, and the last with water.

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

- Worm in beer: dead
- Worm in wine: dead
- Worm in whiskey: dead
- Worm in water: alive

The teacher asks, "Wh...

Does anyone else remember seeing the Annoying Orange on YouTube?

I sure do.

He was in the white house for four years.

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

Dad, do you know how much toothpaste is in one tube?

"No I don't. How much?"

"from the couch to the TV stand and back."

This racist blonde with 3 kids got her tubes tied...

because she read that 1 child in 4 is black.

What Is The Difference Between A Tube And A Foolish Dutchman?

One is a hollow cylinder, and the other a silly Hollander.

Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum

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Okay I'm going to reach back in my memory here and pull out an old Buddy Hackett jokes. If you've never heard of him before I'd suggest that you look him up on YouTube. He was in a few movies. The one I remember was was it's a mad mad mad mad world. I might have missed a mad or two on the title.

So I'm walking down the street one day. Minding my own business. When down the middle of the street. To Hurst came by. One following the other. Behind that, there was a man with the biggest dog I've ever seen in my life. And behind that it was like 97 guys, all with their wallet in their hand. So be...

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

YouTube disabled the dislike counter.

I would say that everyone disliked that, but I honestly can't tell.

What is the benefit of being a test tube baby?

Having a womb with a view.

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

What do chemists like to watch on YouTube?

Reaction videos.

I had a dream (true story) that I was watching YouTube videos on how to turn large animals into cars.

Taxidermy.

my boss thinks I'm an idiot

But he's the idiot. just the other day he told me to go into the front office and to bring him the tube oxes that had just arrived. I wasn't sure what a tube ox was, but I informed him that the plural would be "tube oxen." Worse, all I found was a couple of FedEx packages..

At the tube station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.”

He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.

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What's the difference between your mother, and your father's hamster tube?

One's a fat prostitute and the other's a fat prostate chute.

Two people walk onto a stage, both holding metal tubes. One sings and the other raps. How do you tell which is which before they start performing?

Easy: The singer’s got pipes, and the rapper’s got bars.

How did the man feel when he dropped his tube of toothpaste?

Crest-fallen

What does YouTube and the US Police have in common?

They take people down before they're proven innocent.

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat:

Lychan Sub Scribe

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

What is the most popular tree on YouTube?

A face plant

Found this on YouTube a few years ago

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest b...

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What do YouTube and Small Penis fetishists have in common?

They both only fuck the little guy.

Me strong

One day a tall muscular native American man walked into the doctors office. He had his pregnant wife and three children with him.He said, doctor, me need help. The doctor said well what can I do for you. The Indian man said me strong, wife strong. To many children. The doc said ah I understand. ...

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

My dumbass brother made a YouTube video by firing dad's taser at the camera.

What happened next will shock you.

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

How do you identify a Christian extremist YouTube video without watching it?

It has 665 likes.

One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...

It'll be called YouTwitFace.

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

I keep seeing clips from “An Inconvenient Truth” on my YouTube homepage...

Must just be the Al Gore-ithim

I can only see Jane's Addiction videos on YouTube if I stare straight at them

I must've lost my PerryFerrell vision

Why was princess Zelda sad after watching a bunch of YouTube videos?

She couldn't find the link in the description.

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Most YouTube ads are only unskippable for 5 seconds, so they try to cram something surprising + the brand name in the first 5 seconds of the ad.

Hence you get ads that are basically Samuel L. Jackson screaming "Capital One, mothafucka!"

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

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Purina Dog Food diet

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Chew-Barka, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, and that...

You know what happens when you post a Legend of Zelda song on YouTube...

A copyright strike is imminintendo.

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship

I really dodged a bullet

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Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

“YouTube Red” is a mouthful of a name.

Why not just call it “RedTube”?

After 8 months of trial and error, hundreds of hours of YouTube, losing money, almost giving up, I can finally say I made my first $100 trading stocks

Never mind, I'm in the red again.

What is a pirates favorite YouTube genre?

ASM ARRR!!

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

If you have a child, you can name them “one million subscribers on YouTube”

Then you can tell people you hit one million subscribers on YouTube

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

A gem from the YouTube comment section

"This watch has tremendous sentimental value to me. My father sold it to me on his deathbed." -Woody Allen

My mom is like a YouTube apology video

She never admits she’s wrong

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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Two men at an airport

First man says, "I can't find my wife."

Second man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

First man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?"

Second man says, "Fuck her, we'll look for yours."

I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there

But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!

What is common between YouTube and our government?

Both break their own laws

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Lie detector

Little Johnny's dad buys a lie detector that slaps you when you lie because little Johnny has been lying to him lately. When his detector arrives he's gets excited and wants to try it out. Little Johnny is supposed to be in his room doing his homework. So Johnny's dad takes the detector and walks in...

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with super glue

I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed.

I saw all the people complaining about inappropriate YouTube ads, and at first I thought they were kidding. Then I saw a Trojan condoms ad.

I thought they were horsing around.

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says "How to stop procrasinating”

I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later

Name’s Juan

Names Juan. A few years ago I’d been living with my girlfriend in her apartment. I’ve been into video games since I was a kid and never took a real interest in learning practical things like how to hit a nail with a hammer. Girlfriend and I met in college and since graduating and moving in together ...

My YouTube video with no audio just got taken down.

John Cage gave me a copyright strike.

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"

"Well, I have taller ants than you"

"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"

"Hah, I have an entire tin"

"I got bread!"

"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

What does Jeffery Epstein and me being offered 30 days of YouTube premium have in common?

We both skip the trial.

How do you support a werewolves YouTube channel?

You lycan subscribe.

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference"

Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”

What does 2020, YouTube’s algorithm, and Reddit’s karma calculator, have in common?

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

Most people hate clickbait YouTube titles and thumbnails.

But this clickbait Reddit post is way worse.

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel?

It got demon-itized

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Alright saw this in YouTube but ok

A man, A plan, A canal, Panama.

Spelled backwards is...

You guessed it...

A man, A plan, A canal, Panama.

What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?

Mr Yeast

Did you hear the new Spider-Man movie will be Tom Holland’s last?

He said he will continue the story as a YouTube series. It will be a web spin-off.

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When two people kiss, they create a long tube....

...with a butt hole at each end.

My brother wanted to get a white noise machine

I told him just to look up Karen videos on YouTube

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat

Just hit subscribe.

Why did the black hole stop uploading to his YouTube channel

He was void of ideas

40 years ago today, Louise Brown became the first test tube baby...

She had a womb with a view.

Why will the Moon replace YouTube

It has lots of big craters

This joke brought to you by my girlfriend, you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school .

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YouTube rewind 2019

That's it, the whole fucking joke

I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

YouTube reminds me of your mom

It went down on all of America last night.

What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

a graduated cylinder

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A tube of toothpaste is a real asshole design.

You can get the stuff out, but you can't get it back in.

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

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My chemist wife sometimes uses a test tube as a dildo

She likes it but I think its fucking vial

So a horse is watching YouTube and...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

You tube

Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.

She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a balle...

My wife said she would leave me if i suggested getting her tubes tied again...

But i think she's just ovaryacting.

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What do you call the world's sexiest test tube baby?

Danny DeVitro

When YouTube keeps recommending Iron Man videos after you seen Endgame

“Everywhere I go, I see his face”

A terrible YouTube joke

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Demon."

"Demon who?"

**"DEMONETISATION!"**

2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates th...

What is the difference between baseball players and London Tube drivers?

Baseball players are out after three strikes.

Two friends were comparing their belongings

The first guy goes: 'i have ants'

The second guy : 'well i have taller ants'

The first guy : 'well i got a tube of glue'

The second guy : 'and i have an entire tin of it'

The first guy: 'i got bread as well'

The second guy: 'ugh you win, i can't handle that with my...

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