Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

My wife holds grudges over the smallest things. She asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

Even after a few weeks, she's still not speaking to me

The best thing about being a test tube baby...

You get a womb with a view.

I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with super glue

I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

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Two men at an airport

First man says, "I can't find my wife."

Second man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

First man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?"

Second man says, "Fuck her, we'll look for yours."

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Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference"

Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”

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Daddy do you want a STD? NSFW (Kinda)

My son walked up to me yesterday and asked me if I wanted a STD. I asked him where he heard that phrase and he said that he saw it on YouTube, I said sure I would like a STD just to see what in the fuck he was talking about then he casually ran to the pantry, opened the doors and grabbed the donuts ...

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When two people kiss, they create a long tube....

...with a butt hole at each end.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

Is some one dear to you having a suspected stroke, remember, think F.A.S.T.

F. Get on Facebook immediately and search the symptoms from a sympathetic audience.

A. Ask for their thoughts and prayers, this will generate lots of likes.

S. Search for the symptoms on Google or look for helpful YouTube videos.

T. Try a selection of oils, scented candles, he...

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

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Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

“YouTube Red” is a mouthful of a name.

Why not just call it “RedTube”?

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

Boy: Why are girls so much hotter than boys?

Girl: Coz boys have two 5watt bulbs and one 40watt tube, whereas girls have two 500watt bulbs and one 3000watt oven.

Hey y'all, I tried my best to convert this from Hindi to English.

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A tube of toothpaste is a real asshole design.

You can get the stuff out, but you can't get it back in.

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sex joke

a guy wakes up with a ring around his penis. he goes to the doctor to see what's up with it. as he enters the doctors office, he says "doctor, i woke up with a red ring around my penis is there anything i can take to make it go away?"
the doctor handed him a tube and says "here. take this. apply ...

You tube

Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness

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What do you call the world's sexiest test tube baby?

Danny DeVitro

Two men are sitting at a table.

One guy says, "I have ants"

The second guy replies, "Yeah, but my ants are taller than yours."

So the first guy now says 'Well, I have a tube of glue!",

To which the second guy replies, "And... I have an entire tin of it."

Finally, the first guy says "I have bread."
...

A pregnant, middle-aged woman enters a phone store.

She walks to the counter, and the cashier with a smile says, "Hi! How can we help you today?"

"My phones pregnancy app has been playing up recently, and I was wondering if you could fix it."

"We'll take a look at the phone, and see what the problem is," He replies. He takes the phone i...

I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

a graduated cylinder

40 years ago today, Louise Brown became the first test tube baby...

She had a womb with a view.

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My chemist wife sometimes uses a test tube as a dildo

She likes it but I think its fucking vial

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

Patient's last words

A seriously ill patient is lying on a hospital bed with an oxygen mask,

Plug the tube. Suddenly, the patient began to twitch and his mouth was squirming. There seems to be something to say. Upon seeing this, the pastor standing nearby bent down and asked softly Said: "Do you want to say somet...

My wife said she would leave me if i suggested getting her tubes tied again...

But i think she's just ovaryacting.

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.

She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a balle...

Back in time

Stop me if you heard this joke:

Jimmy magically traveled back in time hundreds and hundreds of years.

He walked around the village feeling very superior to these uneducated and backward people. Saw them practicing with bows and arrows, riding horses, etc.

He walked up to the me...

What's the difference between a funny Dutch man and a tube?

one is a hollow cylinder while the other is a silly hollander.

2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates th...

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

What is the difference between baseball players and London Tube drivers?

Baseball players are out after three strikes.

I confused a tube of super glue with a tube of lube

It was horrible. My model airplane kept slipping apart.

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First Time Teacher

Day 1 of home schooling


0800  opened school website to get assignments.


0900  found where assignments were hidden on the website.


0915  called school to have the website explained.


0930  called school again.


0945  Had wife call school ...

A kid asks his dad how much toothpaste is in a tube. He says "i don't know..."

Kid: "it's almost from the bathroom to the kitchen!"

A fire breaks out in the kitchen.

The man rushes over to the emergency station and comes back with a large red tube. He points it at the fire and squeezes the lever. The tube says, “that’s a grease fire!” The man looks closer at what he’s carrying. “Dammit,” he says, “I accidentally bought a fire distinguisher!”

Today I figured out how to make my own lipstick.

That was when I thoughtlessly chewed on a tube of super glue.

I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

COVID-19 didn't kill John Conway. It was the social distancing.

He had fewer than 2 neighbors.

[Credit to "Darren New" on YouTube for this one. Also, if you find this funny, you're an awful person.]

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Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot ...

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So, A man walks into bar with a cat in a pringles tube and an emu...

The bartender asks where he got an emu.

"I was down in india, doing a bit of vacationing, when I found an oil lamp lying by the side of the road. Naturally, I rubbed it, and a genie popped out! That's how I got these here animals."

"You wished for a cat and an emu?" the bartender a...

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A man was in a horrible car accident

A man wakes up in the ICU with a nurse standing over him. He has tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and he's in terrible pain.
He asks the nurse "What happened?".
The nurse give him a serious, deep look, straight into his ey...

NSFW: Sperm 1: God I'm getting tired! How long 'til we reach the fallopian tubes?

Sperm 2: Still a long way to go..........We've only passed the tonsils.

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What's the worst thing about being a test tube baby?

... knowing your dad's a wanker

5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?

Mother: No honey?

5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch

If you don't get first place in someone's heart

just remember that you got first place in someone's fallopian tube.

Hey girl, are you a tube of Pringles?

Because my whole fist is stuck inside of you

John was on his deathbed

and his family was gathered near. Then his best friend Jim arrived and stood close to him. John's condition rapidly deteriorated and he motioned to something to write with. When offered, he quickly scribbled something and gave it to Jim. Out of respect, Jim placed it in his pocket as the nurses desp...

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Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight ...

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Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to ...

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"What do you call an educated tube?" and other science jokes!

Q: What DO you call an educated tube?

A:A graduated cylinder

Q:Why did the bear dissolve in water?

A:It was polar

Q: How did the English major define microtome?
A: A small book...

Q: Why can`t you trust atoms?

A: They make up everything!

Q: Why did...

A man is driving down a road, swerving every now and then, so he’s pulled over by a cop, believing him to be drunk...

The cop then takes out a breathalyzer, and asks the driver to breath into it, the driver says he cannot, the cop asks why, and the driver tells him he has asthma.

The cop then walks back to his car and takes out a tube, he then returns to the driver and asks him for a urine test. The driver t...

Why are test tube manufacturers always single?

People just seem to find them vial!

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed.

The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But bef...

Slipped on a tube of toothpaste this morning.

I was crestfallen.

Two blondes were tubing down a river...

Two blondes were tubing down a river when they got pulled into the rapids. Their tubes capsized and floated off without them and they ended up on opposite sides of the river.

One yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"

The other yells back, "You're on the other side!"

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The thing I love most about this summer weather is the short shorts and tube tops..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

If you have a child, you can name them “one million subscribers on YouTube”

Then you can tell people you hit one million subscribers on YouTube

As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone...

...making it a weapon of mass reduction.

What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman?

One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.


Source (Cause I can't claim fame for Victorian era jokes): http://www.historytoday.com/blog/2011/10/victorian-jokes-best-19th-century-humour

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Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. ...

I left a tube of superglue in my pocket when I did laundry yesterday...

...it was a viscous cycle.

The guy is in the hospital on the verge of death,

full of tubes to keep him alive as long as possible. The family calls the priest to give him the final rites. When the priest sits at the head of the dying man, his condition seems to deteriorate rapidly, and he frantically gestures for something to write. The priest gives him a pad and a pen, and t...

Where do King James Version Only churches post videos of their sermon?

ThouTube

Dr. Feelgood

I was using this new telemed procedure with my General Practitioner this morning and he wanted to give me a routine physical. Everything was going just fine and dandy until he showed me how to test my reflexes by tapping on his knee with a little hammer.

Unfortunately, I only had a 15-pound s...

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

Wanna hear a joke?

YouTube premium

A teacher asks her class,

"If there are 14 birds on the fence and you shoot 2 of them off. How many are left?"

One little boy says, "None, because the shotgun scared them all off."

The teacher says, "that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think."

The boy then asks the teacher, "...

Vote for Gaben for president.

There will be no World War 3.


(stolen from a 4 year old comment on a portal 2 e3 2010 YouTube video).

What does the smartphone say to the pipe?

iPhone, YouTube, WeChat.

(Sorry, is this taken?)

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

LPT: Forgot the name of a song but know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

Deadpool interviewing superman after that mustache cover up in Justice League

"Hey, blue spandex, excuse me but I moustache ask you a question or should I shave it for later?"

Credit : YouTube comment by Zyle Williams.

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NSFW. What do u call a virgin vagina?

A noob tube

I blasted the Soviet Union anthem in my private school

It's now a public school







Credit to a YouTube comment

Hey pretty lady, are you a chemist?

Because I'd really like to test your tubes.

Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?

Benedict Arnold Palmer

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

How did the virus introduce itself?

Hi, I'm an influenza, check out my YouTube page!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is walking out of the store after grocery shopping...

The bag boy offers to help her to her car with the many bags she has. As they're walking through the parking lot, she drops a bag and a tube of Vagisil falls out. Embarrassed and red-faced, she explains "Um...I have an itchy coochee..."

The bag boy says "Look lady, you'll have to point your c...

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