UPJOKE
biblewillscripturetestimonialtestimonyfaithbookcodicilcreednew testamentold testamentbiblicalsacred textgospelhebrew

Testament Jokes

Last will and testament...

David had died. His lawyer is standing before the family, and reads out David's Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and one million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Lexus, and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shriley I leave my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell an old testament polygon?

They are usually circumscribed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the old testament, homosexuality is fine as long as you're high.

Because it states that a man who lays with another man should be stoned.

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament

It should’ve been called a dead giveaway

Did you know baseball was played in the Old Testament?

In the big inning, Adam took one, Eve took one, and the Lord threw them both out.

What will Gene Wilder's last will and testament will say?

YOU GET NOTHING!

Yeah I'm going to hell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last Will and Testament

**Last Will & Testament:**


His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.


When all is ready he begins to speak. "My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't Jews believe in the New Testament?

Because they won't buy a book unless it's 50% off.

Wicked people in the Old Testament didn’t drink milk

We know this because the wicked were always visited with utter destruction.

A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue

He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".

"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."

"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
...

Oldest. Cobbler. Ever.

My Rabbi taught me about the **cobbler** in the Old Testament who was 969 years old.



Me***shoe*****s**elah

Workshop dad joke.

My wife never gets my jokes, so in my last will and testament I left her my arm bone, because I thought it would be humerus.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a movie

The Torah is the first one, the New Testament is the sequel. The Qur'an is a reboot of the second - there's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore.

* Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels.
* Christians like the first two, but the third doesn't count.
* Muslims...

A new pastor in a rural area...

A new pastor in a rural area is ready for his first service, but only one farmer has shown up. The pastor asks the farmer, "If you took a load of hay to feed your cows and when you got there, there was only one cow what would you do?".

"I'd feed it" said the farmer.

So the pastor asks...

After 62 years of being devoted to Judaism, Abraham converts to Christianity

Distraught over this unexpected development, his life-long friend Moshe sends him a message.

Moshe: "Abraham, you schmuck! How could you abandon your faith?"

Abraham: "New Testament, who dis?"

the school system is really flawed

I mean, if I have 562 chocolate bars and eat half, I'm not going to need to know how many chocolate bars are left, I'm gonna need to know how to write a will & testament.

Who says sequels don't work?

Look at the fanbase of the New Testament!

someone tore an entire book out of my bible!

my old testament is ruthless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since The Simpson's just reached the 600 episode milestone, I'd like to take a moment to remember it's importance to american history ...

Its unwaveringly realistic portrayal of the yellow people's disenfranchisement while pursuing the American Dream is a testament to our nation's tolerant spirit.

My Sunday School teacher is so old...

.. when the New Testament came out she said "I don't care for the new curriculum."

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.

He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Excess vs. Surplus

So this is a true story from my Air Force days and I would like to say it is a testament to how things have changed over decades, but this dates to circa 1983. I was a Lieutenant in a role in my squadron responsible for, among many things, materials that we had leftover from different projects we c...

The ultimate gift

Three sons left home and everyone went their own way ...

When they returned home together, they boasted about the gifts they gave to their aging mother.

The first said: "I built a big luxury house for my mother."
The second said: "I sent my mom the latest Mercedes with the driver."<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey Joe, I heard your mother-in-law died!"

"Well yes, that's true, Bob."

"What'd she have?"

"Just a small amount of money and a lot of old books"

"No, I mean, what was wrong?"

"Well, she hadn't written her will and testament yet."

"Not that! I mean, how'd she die?

"Ooh... Well, we were having dinner ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.