Would Rather Jokes - 34 Hilarious Would Rather Jokes

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

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I would rather cuddle then have sex...

...You'll get it if you are good with grammar

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When I was a kid a genie asked me if I would rather have a long penis or a long memory

I forget what I chose.

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I would rather have Bill Cosby as President than Donald Trump..

because if America is gonna get fucked for 4 years I wanna be asleep when it happens.

I would rather breed mice than crows

Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.

Death has come to collect Beethoven's soul and asked him if he would rather go to heaven or to hell. Beethoven replied:

*What?*

Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.

The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.

The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to...

I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.

Something about five customers being better than one.

I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's

Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.

I would rather die in my sleep like my dad. . .

Instead of kicking and screaming like the three people in the car with him.

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...

I would rather my boss scroll through my reddit feed than my girlfriend

But then again. The reason I'm on reddit is because I'm single and unemployed

The average woman would rather be beautiful, than smart

...because the average man can see better than he can think

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An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...

"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't thi...

A lady goes to the dentist with a sore tooth.

The dentist looks and says "you have a bad tooth we are going to have to pull it"

The lady says "I would rather be pregnant than have a tooth pulled"

The dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair"

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

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My wife asked if I would rather give up cheese or blow jobs for the rest of my life.

Bye filatio!

A man was asked if he would rather have a new circular saw or a ladder...

He chose the latter.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?

I replied I would rather compete against one guy than the whole world

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The Irish Sinner

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with yo...

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Two drunks at a party..

Two guys go to a party and get **very** drunk.

They are sat at a table beside the dance floor, and one of them sets eyes on a lady on the opposite side, sat alone.

"Man, she's really beautiful, I'd like to have a dance with her." says the first guy.

"Which one?" says the second....

Why don’t they build nervous systems on robots?

They would rather give the robot a confident system.

If hard work is the key to success,

most people would rather pick the lock.

If you watch Wall-E backwards

it's about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

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Make more puppies!

Little boy and dad are walking down the street. See 2 dogs fucking.
Kid: what's happening?
Dad: they are making puppies!

Later that night, kid can't sleep. Hears noises from parents' bed room, goes to investigate.

Dad is on top of mom, both naked, grunting.

Kid is shocke...

A member of the Inca Indian tribe was captured by the Spanish....

The captain told his interpreter to say this to the Inca Indian , " Tell him if he doesn't tell us where they have hidden all their gold ,that we will burn his feet ".
Through the interpreter the Inca Indian replied " I would rather die than tell you where the gold is "
The captain threatened...

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I'm absolutely fuming..

My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.

Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone...

Money doesn't buy happiness

But I would rather cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle

A blonde was in a hotel

The waiter knocked on the door and asked if she wanted coffee in bed?

The blonde answered "Well, I would rather have it in a cup"

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Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

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