I was trying to work out how long it would take to watch an entire season of 24

But in the end I had to call it a day

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

How did the constipated Mathematician work out his problem?

With a pencil.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

What does Davy Jones like to work out the most on his body?

His dead man's chest.

When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn’t work out…

So many red flags

Jane couldn't quite work out why she didn't like her husband's new hobby.

But as he grabbed his bait and rod for the fifth day in row, she new it seemed fishy.

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

Why don't spies work out?

because they have an inside job.

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was

He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that

A girl I’m dating works long hours at a bakery. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

Did you hear about the donkey that neglected its kids to go work out every day?

Such a jacked ass

I tried being an Eskimo but it didn't work out

I just wasn't Inuit

I once dated a waitress. It didn't work out..

All she wanted was the tip

What rapper doesn't work out enough?

Tupac.

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

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My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

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No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

Where do elements work out?

The oxygym

I dated a tennis player but it didn't work out.

Love meant nothing to him.

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

A woman on Bumble tried to sell me pics of her toes but it didn't work out.

I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra.

And she's a bitch.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

I can never find time to work out, so I started going to the gym from 9 to 11.

That way I can *Never Forget.*

What do you call someone who comes over uninvited and tries to get you to work out with them?

A Jehovah fitness.

I started dating a communist girl a while ago, but I don't think it'll work out

I can't help but notice the red flags.

(Hope this ain't a repost, I thought about it during shower)

What do you call a dinosaur that likes to work out?

Tricepsaresore

One day my wife told me I should work out more and get a six pack

I asked why do I need a six pack when I already have a gallon jug?

God's plan to use wasps to pollinate didn't work out.

So he had to resort to Plan Bee.

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

Why does the bison work out by himself?

He likes to get buffalone

What do you call a transformer that believes things will work out fine?

Optimist Prime.

Last night my date asked, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?" I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive."

"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?"

"Probably."

What kind of work out do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

Where do Star Trek fans work out?

At the He's Dead Gym.

I helped an old lady at the bank work out her balance

She's still on the floor

Whenever I'm in a bad mood I get drunk and work out.

It really lifts my spirits

With a New Year I have started a new work out routine...

Doing diddly squats morning, noon, and night

I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out.

She was all mi, mi, mi.

I tried being in a relationship with Jesus, but it didn’t work out...

...but kept getting too cross with me

In used to work out a lot in the gym

But I got sick of the long weights

I've been training as a sculptor for months but I'm not very good at it. Just the other day I made an Elk from limestone which I thought was good, but my art teacher Mr Watson couldn't work out what it was.

I said to him surely he could see it was sedimentary, my deer, Watson.

I finally found a machine at the gym that lets older guys date younger women who come to work out!

They just installed an ATM in the lobby.

I went on a seafood diet recently, but it never seems to work out...

I see food, and I eat it.

What does Bruce Lee drink after a hard work out?

Wa-TAH!!

Mi amigo Jesus is a great work out partner but...

He just won't shut up about how he invented *Cross-Fit*

What does a stoner do to work out?

Kush ups

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A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems.

The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common."

The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."

A mother asks her son how things are going with his girlfriend. He replies, "It didn't work out."

"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that," says his mother. "What happened?"

The son looks confused.

"Huh? I just told you. She didn't exercise enough."

How does Spiderman work out?

Peter Parkour

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I knew my wife and I weren't gonna work out...

She's a Sagittarius.
And I'm a cunt.

I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy.

I don't want her getting fat like my wife.

What kind of work out do parrots have on leg day?

SQUAAATS!

...Polly want a cracker.

I work out

So my relationships dont have to

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