UPJOKE
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Why couldn’t Yoda work out that |7| = 7?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

I tried playing the drums with my brother. It didn’t work out.

He flinched too much.

"What's your plan B if art doesn't work out, sir?"

"Politics."

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

What do you call someone who invites themselves over, unannounced, and wants to work out with you?

A Jehovah Fitness.

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my first marriage didn't work out because my wife was too messy

Every time I went to piss in the sink she had dishes in it.

Where do monkeys go to work out?

The jungle gym.

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I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

I once dated a tennis player, but it didn't work out...

...it turned out love meant nothing to her.

A psychologist friend of mine just got a grant to work out how mice communicate

Not much money in it though. He can barely eke out a living.

How did the constipated Mathematician work out his problem?

With a pencil.

I was trying to work out how long it would take to watch an entire season of 24

But in the end I had to call it a day

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

What does Davy Jones like to work out the most on his body?

His dead man's chest.

When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn’t work out…

So many red flags

Jane couldn't quite work out why she didn't like her husband's new hobby.

But as he grabbed his bait and rod for the fifth day in row, she new it seemed fishy.

My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was

He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that

A girl I’m dating works long hours at a bakery. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

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My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

I once dated a waitress. It didn't work out..

All she wanted was the tip

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

Why don't spies work out?

because they have an inside job.

What rapper doesn't work out enough?

Tupac.

Did you hear about the donkey that neglected its kids to go work out every day?

Such a jacked ass

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No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

Where do elements work out?

The oxygym

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra.

And she's a bitch.

I like to work out by lifting monitors

240 Hz

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

I can never find time to work out, so I started going to the gym from 9 to 11.

That way I can *Never Forget.*

God's plan to use wasps to pollinate didn't work out.

So he had to resort to Plan Bee.

What do you call a ghost that likes to work out?

A Swoltergeist

What really motivates people to work out in southeast asia?

Eye of the Thai girl.

One day my wife told me I should work out more and get a six pack

I asked why do I need a six pack when I already have a gallon jug?

I started dating a communist girl a while ago, but I don't think it'll work out

I can't help but notice the red flags.

(Hope this ain't a repost, I thought about it during shower)

Where do Star Trek fans work out?

At the He's Dead Gym.

Mi amigo Jesus is a great work out partner but...

He just won't shut up about how he invented *Cross-Fit*

What do you call a transformer that believes things will work out fine?

Optimist Prime.

Last night my date asked, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?" I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive."

"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?"

"Probably."

Why does the bison work out by himself?

He likes to get buffalone

I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out.

She was all mi, mi, mi.

What kind of work out do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

In used to work out a lot in the gym

But I got sick of the long weights

I tried being in a relationship with Jesus, but it didn’t work out...

...but kept getting too cross with me

I helped an old lady at the bank work out her balance

She's still on the floor

I went on a seafood diet recently, but it never seems to work out...

I see food, and I eat it.

What does Bruce Lee drink after a hard work out?

Wa-TAH!!

I finally found a machine at the gym that lets older guys date younger women who come to work out!

They just installed an ATM in the lobby.

I've been training as a sculptor for months but I'm not very good at it. Just the other day I made an Elk from limestone which I thought was good, but my art teacher Mr Watson couldn't work out what it was.

I said to him surely he could see it was sedimentary, my deer, Watson.

I had a friend who studied linguistics at Oxford. To help pay tuition he tried moonlighting as a writer at a nudie mag, but it didn't work out.

He couldn't write a rhotic /r/

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day:

jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

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A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems.

The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common."

The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."

A mother asks her son how things are going with his girlfriend. He replies, "It didn't work out."

"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that," says his mother. "What happened?"

The son looks confused.

"Huh? I just told you. She didn't exercise enough."

I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy.

I don't want her getting fat like my wife.

How does Spiderman work out?

Peter Parkour

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I knew my wife and I weren't gonna work out...

She's a Sagittarius.
And I'm a cunt.

I work out

So my relationships dont have to

What kind of work out do parrots have on leg day?

SQUAAATS!

...Polly want a cracker.

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I was trying to work out which of the Thai girls at a bar was actually a girl, and got it embarrassingly wrong...

...I felt such a dick.

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